Sunday, December 30, 2007
it is not fair of me to ask you to understand me when i cannot do the same for you.
relationships/dating is one thing i know i am never going to understand.i have got no patience and i really cannot be bothered with it.so if you have a boyfriend i will probably move away from you.because somehow i believe people prefer spending time with their bf/gf.i am not saying it is true for all.but with my friends,it has happened.i am shocked,hurt.but after a while the whole situation seems funny?ironic?i don't know what word to use to describe it.but really ultimately if that other person is going to be more important,i respect your wishes.so goodbye.trust me it is difficult for me to share you with somebody else.i am,to a LARGE extent,very selfish.it is very difficult for me.because when i get involved with you,i love you unconditionally.and then suddenly i am there giving and giving and you are either receiving it or just not there to receive it.most of the time it is the latter.so goodbye.but anytime you need me i am going to be there.that is all you need to know.
the relationship with my family[extended family] still looks very very superficial to me.i don't know what has happened.but the dynamics suck.but then again maybe it IS my fault for always having preferred the guys from young.or maybe it is just that i am always stuck with the guys because 2 of them are my brothers.i know i need a break.i need to get away for maybe 5 years or something.i really hate the situation i am stuck in.
religion is a HUGE issue to me.it really is.i don't know why.i don't know how to put it into words.but it just is important.and i feel very very very affected when people ask me to revert back to my original religion.trust me on this ok i will never ever do it.never.i can follow you to temple,for prayers,for whatever you need me for.but when i pray i do it my way.i pray in Jesus's name.this is how i have been praying since i was 12.i am not about to change it for anybody.because doing it this way is what makes me happy.and i am not about to make any man on earth MY God.no way.i give thanks to the God who is omnipresent.not him.and don't laugh in my face when i say i am a christian.it is not funny.seriously.when you did that i almost wanted to slap you in your bloody shitface seriously.really with this issue about religion,you can trust that i took the correct decision.don't come and try to change my mind or thinking.
and i think i have decided i DO hate my mother after all.and i have also concluded my father doesn't really like me anymore.
right now i think if i died,i would gladly accept it though i am scared of death.my heart feels full somehow.if my family cannot love me i know one person who truly does.and knowing that is more than enough.besides this christmas has given me so much more happiness and satisfaction than i could have asked for.i wouldn't say i am happy.but rather my heart feels full enough.i know that i CAN love.i also know that one person loves me.i don't know if that was what i was looking for in life.probably not.but i am fine enough now.it feels good to know i haven't felt sadness in a bit.i think since a few days before christmas.22nd to be precise.it is like a very very different ride for me.this time it is the 'HAPPY' rollercoaster.different levels of happiness.somehow i have never felt so blessed and happy before.it is nice.so i guess this year is going to end on a really happy note.i SHOULD be going for service tomorrow.i hope i do eventually.
zana.christina.denesh.niva.priya.janani.jay.sathesh.vasan.thank you is never going to be enough for all that you have done for me.and don't worry i am in the right state of mind.i promise you.
i //young of the butterfly// you 8:53 PM