Thursday, September 27, 2007
i think my fears are that..
i will never find a man who will love me for me.
i will become the mother that my mum is and my kids are going to end up hating me.
nobody in my family as in my parents and brothers are ever going to love me.
i fear having a family.because i am scared that i am going to be like my mother.and that my kids are going to feel as incomplete as i am.i am scared that the father of these kids will one day stop talking to his daughters like what happened between me and my dad and that my daughters will feel that i am not there for them.i am scared that my sons won't love me sincerely and get scared of me because i nag.i am scared that when my kids get older they will think of abandoning me.i am scared that when i return home form work everyday i will nag.there are many more but i can't find the words.
if you think these fears are irrational then fuck off.and i mean it.just fuck off ok.
i wonder if my mum ever feels guilty for nagging.i wonder if my dad ever feels guilty for not talking to me.i wonder if my brothers ever feel guilty when they don't stand up for me.i wonder if my brothers really do love me.but actually i know the answer to this particular question.they don't.
i have yet to write a 'last wishes' letter.and in the future i intend to write a letter to the 'future husband'.and also a letter to the 'future kids'.
i thought i was stronger.maybe i am to a certain extent.but i still cannot find the explanation as to why i cry.
right now i could do with my own apartment properly furnished.i could do with my own car.and i could do without a family to hold me back.i need my privacy.everytime i cry in my room i feel like somebody is watching me and that my parents and brothers can hear my sobs in the other rooms.everytime i want to talk about certain things over the phone i feel like they are eavesdropping.i feel like i am invading my parents' privacy whenever i sit in the hall watching tv with them.
god i don't know.i am trying not to hate life.i am trying to love God.i am trying to believe.i am trying a lot of things.but knowing that you are on the losing end makes things a whole lot difficult.it is difficult when you don't know who to turn to.when i turn to God i really wish he would somehow maybe send me a hug from up above or something because i really could do with one.but just because he doesn't do that doesn't mean i am going to dismiss His existence.
[i just lost track of what i was going to say]
A:are you happy with ur family?B:i amA:how do they show their love to you?how would you show your love to them?B:me showing love is very simple.i always say i love u.i always give it.i make them happy whenever can.be it even in the simplest ways like going to get things for them.them showing love is when they are there for me i guess.i know my parents always provide for me.always listen to me.support me psychologically and financially.my siblings i know they cant bear to see me hurt.when i cry they will be there.my sis will always bring tissue.my bro will come and tell me not to cry.they will basically ask and find out wad's wrong i guess.
i cannot even assure myself that my parents have been there for me through the times i needed them the most.my mother was the brilliant one who managed to put a monetary value for the hurt i put them through with my A levels results.$50000.my brothers say this 'u girls are all so childish.everything also cry'.which is why if i am hurt i don't cry till just before i sleep.but usually when i get hurt i feel this huge wave of..hurt?..like something just heaves in me.and sometimes i cannot hold back the tears.and when i tell or rather demand/command myself not to cry it lasts for maybe about 10 minutes maximum.why i am saying this i still don't know.my father once said that i should just get out of the house.it was said in the heat of the moment.in anger.oh that hurt.like a lot.i was showering in the toilet when he said that.he didn't realise that i was the one in the shower.and i just started crying and crying and i know i didn't come out for like quite long.i shouldn't take it to heart.but he did say it didn't he?
i guess maybe i am still trying to figure out what i want from my family.some people say be happy that you have all your family members alive and there.but i say...they may be alive and here.but what about being there for each other?like how a family should?things don't feel quite right.
about half of this post doesn't even make sense to me.i am not looking for pity or whatsoever from anyone.i am just trying to sort things out and learn things for myself.
i //young of the butterfly// you 11:41 PM
Sunday, September 16, 2007
my period is late late late.and it isn't helping a single bit because i am just getting more and more depressed.PLEASE let me get my period by tuesday because i want to be able to enjoy my time with clare and NOT think of anything else.
it started out on friday when me and niva had planned to meet.i was overcome with so much of guilt because i choose to spend the day with her and not my brothers since they were home.i managed to forget about it when i got down to doing maths.then came home around 4 plus and i was so glad to just be there with my brothers.
then at about 6 or 7pm my brothers mention a suicide.in my family.and i was bloody shocked when i realised who it was.i mean i was not close to her or anything.besides she is like a really distant cousin so i was not sad.but shocked.and when i learnt the reason:love failure,i was really confused.
and that carried on to saturday.and i was just feeling very alone.i don't know why.and then i started crying during meditation for no reason.i am still trying to figure out why the hell i cried.
that carried on to sunday as well.and sunday evening another call from my ammuma.someone else passed away.i don't know that uncle's name but i probably know his face.so i am pretty sure i know him.but i am not going for the funeral.don't think i can deal with it.daddy will probably be back early tomorrow because of that.i hope i don't see any signs of him crying.i will end up crying my day and night away.
death is something i have been trying to understand since my grandaunt passed away in february.actually since priya's grandfather.i was sad both times.the question is why do people have to die?why do we have to go through the loss of our loved ones?it is just too painful to deal with.i am actually terrified because i have 3 grandmothers and many loved ones.i cannot deal with another loss anytime soon.i know i cannot.and i cannot face an indian funeral where everybody cries and wails at the body.i cannot.seeing that happen at my grandaunt's funeral was bad.really bad.seeing people cry at the body.i cannot.my heart will shatter over and over again.seeing it happen the 2nd time in my family and actually KNOWING what is happening is scary.i really don't want to face any funerals for the next few years God.or possibly even the rest of my life.i cannot God.you know i can't.
and another thing i was trying to figure out.why do people commit suicide because of love failure?it really does not make sense to me.and love failure sounds so cliched to me.there has been so many suicide cases with the reason love failure.it is kind of scary to hear it you know.i know i have wanted to commit suicide.in secondary school it was because of plain immaturity.then in JC for awhile it was committing suicide because the idea of it seemed really funny.like you jump down and then get caught in the trees and DON'T die and a particular someone asking to do the honours for me.it really was funny.then it changed to running away.either way you are still not facing the problem i know.committing suicide is just taking it a bit too far.and for love failure.how on earth at 18 or 21 do you know it IS the love of your life when he/she leaves you?what about things like 'the right one would never do something like that to you'.'the right one would never make you cry'.and some other things i cannot remember.what about God?where is He in this picture?no faith?no belief?i maybe no one to talk about God but i am beginning to believe in Him and i see how much He has blessed me.just one relationship and you kill yourself.it may be stupid.but at this point in time it seems more painful than stupid to me.i am not condemning people or anything.but do spare a thought for the people who love you?like your parents and your family.friends?how painful it would be for them?what you are putting them through?i don't know.perhaps i am not good with words.but the suicide really shocked me even though i don't know her very well.but i sure know her parents and extended family.i feel sorry that no one had helped that girl or maybe someone did but it was not enough?i feel sorry that she did what she did.i feel sad that her family is going through so much of pain.i feel sad that the family had to experience 2 funerals this year.and apparently a 3rd one.i am sad.really.i wish God made this world such that no one had to die.really.as much as i want to believe she is with God in a better place.i wish she was here on earth with her loved ones.
i only ask from my friends that if i ever die please do let my parents know the kind of person/friend i was to you.let them know how much i loved them.let my daddy know i loved him more than anything on this earth till the very last of my breath.let my parents know anything and everything.let them know i want a christian send off.let them know i want NO ONE crying and wailing over my body.and zana since you know my last wishes,please let them know everything.and i want you to be there for everything zana.because before my soul leaves i want a last glimpse of you and everybody else.
and if anybody ever goes before me,my dearest friends please be there for me because i know i will need a shoulder to lie on or somebody to cry to because i cannot deal with deaths.i know i will be there for anytime.you just need to give me the green light.
the movie padaiyappa brings back good yet bad memories for me.the whole time i watched the movie just now i could only think of sathesh and how much i miss him.i feel so empty.i knew if he was there we would never be quiet during this particular movie.we would be making fun of everything.we would be imitating their every moves.we would be laughing at every fight scene.we just do that for every rajinikanth's movie. (: in other words we would be enjoying each other's company and having plain old fun.i really miss him.very very badly.i haven't spend time with him properly since his birthday.the twice he came over to do his hair don't count because i didn't get to spend enough time with him at all.it sucks when you feel empty and miss someone like that.
and friends i am very sorry for a lot of things.i don't avoid people for no reason.around the 10th-20th of the month i am usually at my most depressed state.and i really don't wish to bring people down with me or bug them with my thoughts and problems.which is why during this time i really avoid a lot of people.i know i owe niva big time for being a real bore on fri when i was unusually quiet.i feel bad for not doing anything on jan's birthday when the whole time i was just home feeling sad and thinking about so many things.i suddenly miss so many people.zana,vasan,chris,niva,denesh,jan,jay,priya and all my cousins and aunties.it is really indescribable having this feeling.it's like we don't get enough time at all.zana,vasan,chris are all working.irregular times.zana has shifts and i don't want to trouble her during her work because work is being a bitch to her.vasan only gets to places at like 7pm and i really don't like going out in the evenings unless it is to something really fun like club or sheesha or spend the night at the beach or something.chris is working and i guess i have never really made the effort to meet up with her.but i miss her so much as well.denesh is having her As and i don't want to disturb her unless she lets me know she is free.i will cancel anything just to spend time with that little one.niva has started school and she is majorly stressed and i don't want to keep sms-ing or disturbing her.i only want the best for her and i feel like i am pulling myself away for no reason.i don't want to hurt her.jay is all the way in aussie and that sucks really.i just want to meet her and give her a big hug and catch up on so many things.jan i really wish i wasn't so lazy to go and meet her sometimes.and jan i promise you that i am going to meet you more often because i really love you loads too.and priya i don't know.we haven't met in the past 1+ years.or is it 2?i miss her so much but i am not good with confrontations or talking.it scares me and makes me want to cry because opening up that much is not something i do at one go.i don't want to feel that what happened will happen again.besides priya i really do not want to be the cause of your distraction for your As this year.i just want you to study hard and do your best and perhaps we should leave the talking to after that.and you will get an email from me when i finally figure out what i want to say.and whenever i think of her i think of how on a saturday evening she stopped whatever she was doing and came over bringing dinner for me while i was just being plain bitchy and sad that night.and asked me to stay over at her place so that i would not feel so sad anymore.i remember we talked A LOT that night about A LOT of things even though there was church the next day.i just miss everybody for no reason.and i have been wanting to cook lunch for everybody and get all these people to come over but i am too scared to suggest this to my mum because she will make noise.and i don't want to upset her or myself.
i miss my family probably the most.suse auntie.sathesh.santhi auntie.suta and logita.i stopped talking to them for a reason.and lately i found out the sisters are not exactly on very good terms.apparently[and as usual]it all starts out with me and my behaviour.my mum is jealous of the way i behave with suse auntie and sathesh.but you see i cannot do anything to love.love just happens even it is cousin for a cousin or a niece for her auntie.it is not a sick perverted love.but i honestly with my heart love suse auntie and sathesh.the most painful thing for me to do has been to pull away from them because my mother isn't happy.who do i please?them?my mother?me?i chose my mother over everything.damaged myself and them.but i rather that happen than i damage my mother.because i at least have people to lean on.it is sad when suse auntie calls me and tells me she feel so lonely.sometime i want to cry when i her that because i wish i had a car and could go over as and when i like just to please her and make her happy.i want to cry when she calls me just to check on me.my friends are there constantly but if any were to call me out of the blue just to check on me i would cry as well.same for suse auntie.whenever i see her calling i know it is going to be a girl talk because that is how she is.and to know that i was the one who put this distance kills me but i really cannot help it because my mother is jealous.and i don't want my father to hate me because he gets the impression that i love my auntie more than my mother.i am majorly confused which is why i am currently living only for the family.it is painful and maybe hellish living like this.but dealing with it for the past month or two has been working its effects on me i guess.it just that at moments like this i miss everybody and realise how much i love all of them so much.my capacity to love is A LOT i know.it is really so much that i don't know how to channel it really.i can only say i love them all but i wish i could do something better.there is nothing that could possibly beat spending time with all of them.basking in that love and bliss.how i wish i could do that again without feeling the slightest bit guilty or whatsoever.
i am sorry people.i am really in the most depressed of moods.
i //young of the butterfly// you 11:47 PM