Friday, February 24, 2006
ive been riting a lot of letters to God recently...small notes..long letters...hate n love...evrything la...juz feeling so down n upset lately..CTs r next wk...am staying back evryday n mugging lyk nobody's business...i deserve to at least pass my damned maths n lit...
firstly...right now the only ques tt has been in my mind for a vry long time is 'do you really exist God?'...really do u?..cuz its difficult for me to believe tt u do..n believe or haf faith in u..i really duno how my faith started backsliding...but it juz did...so terribly...n it has come to the pnt whr i doubt u ALOT..i really duno God...i duno how to connect wid u or tok to u or approach u...i swear i duno...right now im lyk praying for a near death experience whr You would come n tell me smth..or juz show urself to me..so tt id believe...cuz i think not believing tt God exists is the WORST thing tt cld ever happen in life...n also its a bit mad to belive in God n yet believe at the same time He only hates U n ONLY U..
n i think i kno y ive stopped believing in u..u shld kno tt deep down inside i miss priya n her sisters ALOT...last yr wen life felt so empty n desolate priya filled up the gap...she suddenly became the sis i never had...the bestest fren anyone cld ever ask for...she became almost evrything to me...n wen we suddenly stopped toking for i duno wad reason, God ttz wen i HATED u n believed tt u HATED me...n ttz wen i tol myself YOU DIDN'T EXIST..tt was when i STOPPED believing...wen i let sush udaya n nives read tt letter i rote to u,they all pretty much said the same thing...tt u exist n tt u lyk playing games wid us..n blah blah..n then i tol sara tt u hated me n he said tt God doesnt hate anyone...but u hate me..i kno u do...
really God uve put me in sucha terrible turmoil these past few days..its upsetted me so badly...im confused...i feel lyk im back to square one...stupid dumb empty lifeless stone hearted n wad nots...i hate it God i really hate it...u kno God suddenly evrything is screwed up again...toked to sara abt priya n all n as a result been thinking abt her a lot lately...n it doesnt help tt her 2 sisters tell me tt they miss me...cuz wen they did i juz cried n cried non stop...old memories juz resurface...went to the art fren at sunshine plaza today n got reminded of priya...while coming up wid nicknames for me 'PARNA' came up n i got reminded of priya again..evry small thing reminds me of her...n dya kno how much it hurts?...i hope u do God...evrytime i tok abt this i get butterflies in my stomach cuz im scared...scared of rejection...scared of getting hurt again...scared of trusting smeone again...scared God juz scared tt smth will happen n it wld affect me again...cuz it ALWAYS does..cuz u hurt me..
ppl say tt wen u take away smth frm us its always to give us smth better...so wad r u gona give me in return for priya?...who u gona give me rather..for the record i wldnt wana give her up for anything...i juz wish all this shit hadnt happened in the 1st place n tt we were toking fine... being fine wid each othr..it hurts evrytime i think abt her or her sisters...evrybody tells me to juz tok to her...dya kno how difficult it is for me cuz i DUNO wad to expect...i duno wad my reaction is gona be...i duno wad we r gona tok abt...i duno wad the consequences r gona be...i juz duno wad to expect...i really duno wad to say abt this God...r u listening?
wen sara tol me tt the prob wid me is tt i get overly attached to things i really wanted to cry cuz i felt so stupid for being lyk tt..but i really cant help it...i juz cant...maybe cuz i kno wad the feeling of being unloved is lyk,ttz y i lyk loving ppl...i lyk being nice to ppl i lyk..i lyk being ard them...i lyk making them happy n doing stuff for them...but isit my fault tt i haf the capacity to love evrybody i meet?...im sorry if im OVERLY attached to things but really im juz lyk tt..
anyways...sara din come today n the day felt so empty smehow...his presence is juz......comfy....very comfy...n we ALL missed him!!!!!...so sad..but he will be there tmw...n then i prolly wun be going for night study...haha...juz wana get smetime to tok to him first...i had GREAT fun wid udaya during brk n sushma n all after sch...n night study was a bit distracting cuz Sara wasnt thr to motivate us...but i did get A BIT of work done..n i think by teaching ppl how to do the maths ive learned how to do it myself...
the dance in AJ went GREAT...i think i had great fun on tt day..i mean yea we were all tense nervous scared n wad nots...not it was fun...now juz crossing fingers n praying we get in..sadly we din get to take much fotos...cuz we were all too fricking busy practising lyk nobodys business...i juz gotta thanks SUSH n SARA for being thr for us almost all the time...n i thank God for sara..man he was really super encouraging n understanding the whole time...n his advice was really so helpful..i owe him a BIG BIG thank u..n Sush,she was always thr for dance prac even tho she wasnt dancing...helping us n encouraging us as well...n thanks to udaya n shals who choreographed most of the dance...
after tt went out for high tea..thank God Jay decided to come in the end..n she looked so pretty in her skirt n top....so we went to meridien...ate like PIGS...n can u believe it after eating i fell aslp right thr on the table..yea slept n then woke up ate smemore n took many many photos..jay im so sorry abt sleeping kaes...juz tt i was so super fricking tired..
well the day before AJ comp we all stayed over at udaya's hse...sme at sang's sme at udaya's la...Mr Crush came down for dance pracs these few days..haha..but really had no time to look at him all la...the sleepover was kinda fun la...really enjoyed my time wid those 2 ppl udaya n sush...sadly we only took one foto...we practised the dance thruout the whole night...n in the morn while sush was putting make up for me i slept..its damn funny la..haha..but i was super tired...on sat after tt i felt really tired most of the time.. all in all i had a great time.. (:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR ASH N JEFF
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU......
haha..miss them..tmw cant go mr muthu hse again...hais..sucks...but i shall go nxt wk i promise promise promise promise..
really freaked out for dance...really really no kidding...i really hope we can get into finals...i juz wana get it..PLEASE let us get in...im gona make sure i MASTER the bharatha natyam n rock the fricking stage la...for tt part alone i mean...hais......juz lemme do my parts well PLEASE...juz wana get in for finals...
tmw got so much stuff to pack n bring...damn wad la...hais..dun even kno wad to wear...n i need to ready the stuff for the high tea now oso...or not im screwed...ah shit shit shit....my mum is gona kill me i swear...
i juz went to pierce my ears cuz i was under stress...felt a bit better after doing it..duno y tho...
had a great day today...14th feb...felt so good giving ppl gifts...i think this is lyk the first yr i bothered to do smth...me n michelle were planning lyk the day before...haha...quite cool man..but we still managed to do smth nice for evrybody...(:..haha...loved the gifts i got in return too...mostly chocs...n SUSHMA's chain...OMG...i LOVE IT....been finding for smth nice n cld never get it...n i got a lil bling bling star...(:
spent time wid fran today during block period...went to meet udaya oso...but had to leave halfway...SORRY GIRL...after tt wen grandstand wid fran n juz enjoyed each other's company...first time in 2 yrs doing tt...a bit of a sad case rite?..anyways udaya had seizure/fits again donating blood...was kinda worried wen i left her..was damn worried wen i found out abt it oso...thank God sush was thr wid her n tt she is ok now...well u cant blame the girl for having sucha big heart rite? (:
after PE had dance prac..n today's dance prac was GREAT...i duno y...but it was so fun having evrybody around....esp sara...my god...his facial expression wen udaya did the dance was lyk damn funny la...i think it will juz stay on my mind forever...been really fun n comfy having him around during pracs..n me him udaya n hafiz trying to get tt smooth walk thingie....man evrybody got it except ME!!!!!....cld kill them all...am gona practise n practise n get it soon..
after dance stayed back for night study...did my driving theory first...thank God sushma cleared up the mess in the my head abt the driving shit...then after tt lit notes...n we talked abt sme really freaky stuff..coincidence?fate?destiny?premonition?...juz freaky tho..
well dance is coming up quite ok...cant wait for Mr Crush to come down...haha...a bit excited...been a bit high the whole day n yest night..i think sush knows...well well...im a bit of a mad case... (: ..juz hope i dun get distracted by him again....we will be staying over in udaya's hse on fri night to practise n haf a bit of a bonding session wid da makkals (as sangeetha started calling us)....gona be really great i guess...
well ppl as u can see im really so happy...i got to spend time wid ppl im comfy n happy wid...had a great day...of course the most specialestestestest part of the day was wen i got to spend PRECIOUS time wid JO PINKS N FRAN.....I LOVE U JO...I LOVE U PINKS...I LOVE U FRAN...it was great i swear..
and FAITH MELODY ZACCHEUS....i really wish u cld haf been thr to complete my day but nonetheless talking to u online made me happy too... LOVE U GIRL (:
tmw i hafta go for my theory class whether im ok or not...its so shitty...but luckily im not going to sch in the day cuz then i will prolly slp thru the class...n am only gona be back at lyk 11+...really so screwed...scheduled the practicals for march....well hopefully i can complete it BY those 20lessons...dun wana leave a big brk before i go for the rest...n i hope i clear the final exam the first time itself...
din go sch today cuz of my asthma...kinda suspected it was a mild attack...well its been happening quite frequently these few mths...i really gotta take care...plenty...or not it cld be really serious...n this is sucha shit yr i swear..
suddenly ive got so much stuff on..firstly THAT...then after tt econs tuition for which i gotta pair up wid somebody i dun even kno n GO elsewhr for the fricking tuition..dumbass shit..then i wanted to take up bharatanatyam again..i guess this time my plans for natyam is spoilt again..cuz my mum aint letting me taking it up..saying its gona cause too much stress...its really shitty..
AJ comp coming up n i haven practised the dance properly...orientation is also coming up...dun even kno if i got the facil thing...smehow my mind n heart is half-half...still gotta practise for the dola re dance...hais hope i seriously dun screw it up again this time...though im vry liable to do so...
i wana meet the devil n congratulate him on how much of a hold he has over my life..i wana meet God n thank Him for being thr whenever He was...which wasnt much but nonetheless deserves the thanks...
right now im lost in life...wid no sense of purpose whatsoever n i really dun care anymore...ive adopted this fuckcare attitude...or maybe its been wid me all along...today i realised how much of hatred thr is in me..i realised maybe i will NEVER learn to love...i realised im juz not wad evrybody makes me out to be...
i see the same thing happening this yr again juz lyk last...well i duno...i expected things to be much better...but after 2005 things dun seem to be good AT ALL...well its not in my hands i guess..duno whose hands its in..but yea wonder wen thr'll be a turning pnt..maybe thr wun be one..
suse auntie thinks thrs smth seriously wrong wid me for hating life at sucha young age.....i think so too...but i dun wana get help...i need to go see a counsellor/psychiatrist...i kno...but i dun wana...well lemme do smth drastic first before i realise how fricking bad the situation is ok...
i really feel so shitty..jays gona be leaving soon n almost evryday after sch i haf practice for dance n for the impersonation shit...its so tiring man...hais...dance is starting tmw...n tis means i will prolly not haf enuff time to spend wid her...as it is i dun even haf the energy to stay awake during sch...
18 more days for Jay to leave.....
ive been riting a lot of letters to God recently...small notes..long letters...hate n love...evrything la...juz feeling so down n upset lately..CTs r next wk...am staying back evryday n mugging lyk nobody's business...i deserve to at least pass my damned maths n lit...
firstly...right now the only ques tt has been in my mind for a vry long time is 'do you really exist God?'...really do u?..cuz its difficult for me to believe tt u do..n believe or haf faith in u..i really duno how my faith started backsliding...but it juz did...so terribly...n it has come to the pnt whr i doubt u ALOT..i really duno God...i duno how to connect wid u or tok to u or approach u...i swear i duno...right now im lyk praying for a near death experience whr You would come n tell me smth..or juz show urself to me..so tt id believe...cuz i think not believing tt God exists is the WORST thing tt cld ever happen in life...n also its a bit mad to belive in God n yet believe at the same time He only hates U n ONLY U..
n i think i kno y ive stopped believing in u..u shld kno tt deep down inside i miss priya n her sisters ALOT...last yr wen life felt so empty n desolate priya filled up the gap...she suddenly became the sis i never had...the bestest fren anyone cld ever ask for...she became almost evrything to me...n wen we suddenly stopped toking for i duno wad reason, God ttz wen i HATED u n believed tt u HATED me...n ttz wen i tol myself YOU DIDN'T EXIST..tt was when i STOPPED believing...wen i let sush udaya n nives read tt letter i rote to u,they all pretty much said the same thing...tt u exist n tt u lyk playing games wid us..n blah blah..n then i tol sara tt u hated me n he said tt God doesnt hate anyone...but u hate me..i kno u do...
really God uve put me in sucha terrible turmoil these past few days..its upsetted me so badly...im confused...i feel lyk im back to square one...stupid dumb empty lifeless stone hearted n wad nots...i hate it God i really hate it...u kno God suddenly evrything is screwed up again...toked to sara abt priya n all n as a result been thinking abt her a lot lately...n it doesnt help tt her 2 sisters tell me tt they miss me...cuz wen they did i juz cried n cried non stop...old memories juz resurface...went to the art fren at sunshine plaza today n got reminded of priya...while coming up wid nicknames for me 'PARNA' came up n i got reminded of priya again..evry small thing reminds me of her...n dya kno how much it hurts?...i hope u do God...evrytime i tok abt this i get butterflies in my stomach cuz im scared...scared of rejection...scared of getting hurt again...scared of trusting smeone again...scared God juz scared tt smth will happen n it wld affect me again...cuz it ALWAYS does..cuz u hurt me..
ppl say tt wen u take away smth frm us its always to give us smth better...so wad r u gona give me in return for priya?...who u gona give me rather..for the record i wldnt wana give her up for anything...i juz wish all this shit hadnt happened in the 1st place n tt we were toking fine... being fine wid each othr..it hurts evrytime i think abt her or her sisters...evrybody tells me to juz tok to her...dya kno how difficult it is for me cuz i DUNO wad to expect...i duno wad my reaction is gona be...i duno wad we r gona tok abt...i duno wad the consequences r gona be...i juz duno wad to expect...i really duno wad to say abt this God...r u listening?
wen sara tol me tt the prob wid me is tt i get overly attached to things i really wanted to cry cuz i felt so stupid for being lyk tt..but i really cant help it...i juz cant...maybe cuz i kno wad the feeling of being unloved is lyk,ttz y i lyk loving ppl...i lyk being nice to ppl i lyk..i lyk being ard them...i lyk making them happy n doing stuff for them...but isit my fault tt i haf the capacity to love evrybody i meet?...im sorry if im OVERLY attached to things but really im juz lyk tt..
anyways...sara din come today n the day felt so empty smehow...his presence is juz......comfy....very comfy...n we ALL missed him!!!!!...so sad..but he will be there tmw...n then i prolly wun be going for night study...haha...juz wana get smetime to tok to him first...i had GREAT fun wid udaya during brk n sushma n all after sch...n night study was a bit distracting cuz Sara wasnt thr to motivate us...but i did get A BIT of work done..n i think by teaching ppl how to do the maths ive learned how to do it myself...
i //young of the butterfly// you 1:16 AM
Sunday, February 19, 2006
the dance in AJ went GREAT...i think i had great fun on tt day..i mean yea we were all tense nervous scared n wad nots...not it was fun...now juz crossing fingers n praying we get in..sadly we din get to take much fotos...cuz we were all too fricking busy practising lyk nobodys business...i juz gotta thanks SUSH n SARA for being thr for us almost all the time...n i thank God for sara..man he was really super encouraging n understanding the whole time...n his advice was really so helpful..i owe him a BIG BIG thank u..n Sush,she was always thr for dance prac even tho she wasnt dancing...helping us n encouraging us as well...n thanks to udaya n shals who choreographed most of the dance...
after tt went out for high tea..thank God Jay decided to come in the end..n she looked so pretty in her skirt n top....so we went to meridien...ate like PIGS...n can u believe it after eating i fell aslp right thr on the table..yea slept n then woke up ate smemore n took many many photos..jay im so sorry abt sleeping kaes...juz tt i was so super fricking tired..
well the day before AJ comp we all stayed over at udaya's hse...sme at sang's sme at udaya's la...Mr Crush came down for dance pracs these few days..haha..but really had no time to look at him all la...the sleepover was kinda fun la...really enjoyed my time wid those 2 ppl udaya n sush...sadly we only took one foto...we practised the dance thruout the whole night...n in the morn while sush was putting make up for me i slept..its damn funny la..haha..but i was super tired...on sat after tt i felt really tired most of the time.. all in all i had a great time.. (:
i //young of the butterfly// you 9:53 PM
Thursday, February 16, 2006
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR ASH N JEFF
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU......
haha..miss them..tmw cant go mr muthu hse again...hais..sucks...but i shall go nxt wk i promise promise promise promise..
really freaked out for dance...really really no kidding...i really hope we can get into finals...i juz wana get it..PLEASE let us get in...im gona make sure i MASTER the bharatha natyam n rock the fricking stage la...for tt part alone i mean...hais......juz lemme do my parts well PLEASE...juz wana get in for finals...
tmw got so much stuff to pack n bring...damn wad la...hais..dun even kno wad to wear...n i need to ready the stuff for the high tea now oso...or not im screwed...ah shit shit shit....my mum is gona kill me i swear...
i juz went to pierce my ears cuz i was under stress...felt a bit better after doing it..duno y tho...
i //young of the butterfly// you 11:53 PM
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
had a great day today...14th feb...felt so good giving ppl gifts...i think this is lyk the first yr i bothered to do smth...me n michelle were planning lyk the day before...haha...quite cool man..but we still managed to do smth nice for evrybody...(:..haha...loved the gifts i got in return too...mostly chocs...n SUSHMA's chain...OMG...i LOVE IT....been finding for smth nice n cld never get it...n i got a lil bling bling star...(:
spent time wid fran today during block period...went to meet udaya oso...but had to leave halfway...SORRY GIRL...after tt wen grandstand wid fran n juz enjoyed each other's company...first time in 2 yrs doing tt...a bit of a sad case rite?..anyways udaya had seizure/fits again donating blood...was kinda worried wen i left her..was damn worried wen i found out abt it oso...thank God sush was thr wid her n tt she is ok now...well u cant blame the girl for having sucha big heart rite? (:
after PE had dance prac..n today's dance prac was GREAT...i duno y...but it was so fun having evrybody around....esp sara...my god...his facial expression wen udaya did the dance was lyk damn funny la...i think it will juz stay on my mind forever...been really fun n comfy having him around during pracs..n me him udaya n hafiz trying to get tt smooth walk thingie....man evrybody got it except ME!!!!!....cld kill them all...am gona practise n practise n get it soon..
after dance stayed back for night study...did my driving theory first...thank God sushma cleared up the mess in the my head abt the driving shit...then after tt lit notes...n we talked abt sme really freaky stuff..coincidence?fate?destiny?premonition?...juz freaky tho..
well dance is coming up quite ok...cant wait for Mr Crush to come down...haha...a bit excited...been a bit high the whole day n yest night..i think sush knows...well well...im a bit of a mad case... (: ..juz hope i dun get distracted by him again....we will be staying over in udaya's hse on fri night to practise n haf a bit of a bonding session wid da makkals (as sangeetha started calling us)....gona be really great i guess...
well ppl as u can see im really so happy...i got to spend time wid ppl im comfy n happy wid...had a great day...of course the most specialestestestest part of the day was wen i got to spend PRECIOUS time wid JO PINKS N FRAN.....I LOVE U JO...I LOVE U PINKS...I LOVE U FRAN...it was great i swear..
and FAITH MELODY ZACCHEUS....i really wish u cld haf been thr to complete my day but nonetheless talking to u online made me happy too... LOVE U GIRL (:
i //young of the butterfly// you 12:06 AM
Monday, February 06, 2006
tmw i hafta go for my theory class whether im ok or not...its so shitty...but luckily im not going to sch in the day cuz then i will prolly slp thru the class...n am only gona be back at lyk 11+...really so screwed...scheduled the practicals for march....well hopefully i can complete it BY those 20lessons...dun wana leave a big brk before i go for the rest...n i hope i clear the final exam the first time itself...
din go sch today cuz of my asthma...kinda suspected it was a mild attack...well its been happening quite frequently these few mths...i really gotta take care...plenty...or not it cld be really serious...n this is sucha shit yr i swear..
suddenly ive got so much stuff on..firstly THAT...then after tt econs tuition for which i gotta pair up wid somebody i dun even kno n GO elsewhr for the fricking tuition..dumbass shit..then i wanted to take up bharatanatyam again..i guess this time my plans for natyam is spoilt again..cuz my mum aint letting me taking it up..saying its gona cause too much stress...its really shitty..
AJ comp coming up n i haven practised the dance properly...orientation is also coming up...dun even kno if i got the facil thing...smehow my mind n heart is half-half...still gotta practise for the dola re dance...hais hope i seriously dun screw it up again this time...though im vry liable to do so...
i //young of the butterfly// you 8:45 PM
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
i wana meet the devil n congratulate him on how much of a hold he has over my life..i wana meet God n thank Him for being thr whenever He was...which wasnt much but nonetheless deserves the thanks...
right now im lost in life...wid no sense of purpose whatsoever n i really dun care anymore...ive adopted this fuckcare attitude...or maybe its been wid me all along...today i realised how much of hatred thr is in me..i realised maybe i will NEVER learn to love...i realised im juz not wad evrybody makes me out to be...
i see the same thing happening this yr again juz lyk last...well i duno...i expected things to be much better...but after 2005 things dun seem to be good AT ALL...well its not in my hands i guess..duno whose hands its in..but yea wonder wen thr'll be a turning pnt..maybe thr wun be one..
suse auntie thinks thrs smth seriously wrong wid me for hating life at sucha young age.....i think so too...but i dun wana get help...i need to go see a counsellor/psychiatrist...i kno...but i dun wana...well lemme do smth drastic first before i realise how fricking bad the situation is ok...
i really feel so shitty..jays gona be leaving soon n almost evryday after sch i haf practice for dance n for the impersonation shit...its so tiring man...hais...dance is starting tmw...n tis means i will prolly not haf enuff time to spend wid her...as it is i dun even haf the energy to stay awake during sch...
18 more days for Jay to leave.....
i //young of the butterfly// you 8:05 PM