im a lil butterfly (:

Sunday, January 21, 2007

i lyk had the best birthday ever..haha..i shall say this evry yr..well i hafta thank God for blessing me wid such wonderful great angels in my life..im so glad tt these ppl r in my life..well im 19 this yr..its so old but i dun feel grown up at all..tho evrybody else says im one of the matured few tt they kno i dun see how im actually matured..but they've got their judgements so yea..

anyways so..

hafiz thad n udaya surprised me at seoul garden on tt day..nives knew abt it..n she hid it VERY well id say..i juz kinda got a shock wen i saw thad in thr..i enjoyed myself thr..tho they stuffed me..n then udaya baked me a HELLO PANDA cake..SOOOOOO cute..haha..then i got a big stuffed bear frm them..then played pool wid them after tt..i FINALLY learnt how to play it n i guess i had the 2 nicest teachers ever..i tried to irrtate the hell out of them..din work..after tt went to lene's hse..

i had the BEST SURPRISE EVER thr..it was meant to be a pyjama-dinner thingie..k it was kinda funny..cuz i actually saw them but then i thot they were a different bunch of ppl since lene n pinks were shouting frm elsewhr..n they kinda brought me one big round so i thot id seen the wrong ppl n tt my bday was only gona be wid lene n pinks..but no..EVERYBODY WAS THR!!!!!!!omg i was SO happy..i juz cannot describe it but i was REALLY VERY VERY VERY happy..had dinner wid them..pinks cooked..spaghetti..niceeeeee..then i had my cake..which was so cute cuz they baked many cupcake brownies n piled them on top of one another..n then i had 2 candles..n u kno it was SO romantic cuz thr were candles..so pretty n ROMANTIC..hais..it was juz pure bliss wid them..stayed in lene's hse till lyk 1+ cuz i really wanted to juz spend time wid them..ttz how much ive missed u guys..n lene i really wld haf stayed if i din haf sch the nxt day..i love u ppl for doing this for me..really i love u guys so much..

i got the BEST present frm jo..it was our:mel's jo's n my diary frm sec 3 n sec 4 days..we 3 used to rite in one diary to update each othr on our lives..n i REALLY completely forgot abt it until i got it..gosh i came hme..read evrything n teared..how much i fricking miss sec sch days..esp the clique..n mel n jo..we juz dun meet up tt often anymore..

really guys i had the BEST bday..n im SO glad u guys r my friends..i really duno wad to say..i hope tt i can make u guys feel the same way i did on ur bdays..thank you so VERY much..n i totally wished the day was MUCH longer so i cld haf spent more time wid the indian ppl n my IJ ppl oso..all i can say guys THANK YOU SO MUCH n I LOVE YOU SO MUCH as well..
well i received some pretty touching msgs as well on my bday..it meant alot to me..n its quite funny tt the 3 ppl i love the most msged me at around the same time..

ZANA
PERHAPS I HAVE NEVER EXPRESSED HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME DARLING BUT I HOPE YOU DO KNOW THAT YOU ARE MORE THAN A FRIEND TO ME AND THAT I SINCERELY CARE FOR YOUR WELLBEING DEAR.I PRAY FOR THIS YEAR TO BE A BETTER YEAR FOR YOU DESPITE WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR THAT AND THAT YOU ATTAIN THE GREATEST HEIGHTS YOU WANT TO IN LIFE.GIRL I TREASURE YOU AND OUR FRIENDSHIP A LOT.NO MATTER WHAT PEOPLE SAY,I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU.AND IF I DIE BEFORE YOU, I WILL TURN INTO YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL I PROMISE.DEAR NOW YOU HAVE STEPPED INTO THE LAST YEAR OF YOUR TEENAGE YEARS.I AM SURE YOU WILL HAVE FOND MEMORIES TO HOLD ON TO NEXT YEAR.I LOVE YOU MY DARLING AND I HOPE YOU HAVE A MAGNIFICENT BIRTHDAY.OH AND I FEEL LIKE SAYING THIS 'IF I HAVE EVER SAID SOMETHING OR HURT YOU UNKNOWINGLY PLEASE FORGIVE ME'.REMEMBER THERE IS A REASON WHY YOU WERE BORN IN THIS WORLD.PERHAPS YOU JUST DUN KNOW THE REASON YET.TILL THEN DO NOT CURSE YOUR BIRTH OR REGRET YOUR BIRTH.THINK LIKE THIS,IF YOU WERE NOT BORN,YOU WOULD NOT HAVE MET A GREAT FRIEND LIKE ME.JUZ KIDDING.SO HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY.LOVE YOU TONS TONS TONS.
after reading this i was juz so shocked..i din cry but i was really so touched to know that she
loves me this much..

CHRIS
HEY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!ENJOY YOUR DAY AND HAVE FUN.DESPITE EVRYTHING I STILL LOVE YOU ALL THE SAME.GOD BLESS.
i wish we cld still be the same like before..but doesnt seem lyk it..hais..one person ive loved so much that it huts so much..i love you chris so much..too much in fact..

*
HEY GIRL HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY.WOW A FULLY GROWN AND MATURED WOMAN OF SOCIETY YOU HAVE BECOME.AND EQUIPPED WITH A DRIVING LICENSE.MAY LAUGHTER AND JOY FILL YOUR LIFE AHEAD. (:
you never fail to put a smile on my face..though the msg made me laugh cuz i beg to differ wid the matured n fully grown part but it makes me glad tt smeone thinks of me this way..

thinking of such stuff makes me very very emotional..juz saying im happy isnt exactly good enough..but i really duno how to express myself..i love u guys so much..

i //young of the butterfly// you 8:48 PM

Sunday, January 14, 2007

i've 85% cleaned my room..YAY me!!..finally got down to it..now i juz gotta wipe,sweep n mop..n then i will be able to SLEEP in my blessed room..next job..painting it white..n finding sme space to paint ARIEL on it.. (: ..n hopefully a graffiti wall behind my door..evrybody can scribble stuff on it wen they come on deepavali..or after ive set aside space for tt wall u can drop in anytime n graffiti the wall (: ..

its a gd thing i haven got a car actually..cuz then this whole wkend i wld haf driven myself AWAY frm home..away frm evrybody..esp on sun..but then again i think my dad wldnt ever trust me wid the car..so thr goes ALL my escapades if we ever get a car..

but then i suddenly feel so powerful having the license..weeeeeee.. (: the dream of owning a PINK or PEACOCK GREEN jaguar one day keeps me happy..n evrytime i see a jaguar on the roads i feel lyk im nearer to actually owning one.. (:

k erm today..i accidentally let it slip to my mum wad my auntie said to me..which i WASNT at all supposed to tell my mum..my mum isnt at all happy wid my cousin's ROM/dinner date..which is the eve eve of cny or smth..n e worst shit is tt we hafta go msia for the dinner..my mum doesnt wana go for both cuz she says its too difficult to apply leave..but then my pnt is this..if u dun go for the ROM/dinner wld u be ok if they oso dun turn up for my ROM/dinner..this is my mum AND dad's ans:YEA WE'D BE OK...u guys can go make ANY judgement u want abt my mum but NOT abt my dad..so thr i sat in shock..by the way this was going on at roughly close to ten in the morn..my mum said tt its so unfair for my cousin to haf fixed this on such an inconvenient date/day..ARGHSSSS..my pnt is tt my mum THINKS im BAD for talkin to my aunties 'behind her back'..n then she says stuff lyk 'oh yea of course now im the villain'..'now obviously id be bad to evrybody cuz i dun wana go..im lyk tt wad'..wad dya call this??.her trying to make me feel guilty..i duno if it is but yes it is making me feel COMPLETELY guilty..for wad?..cuz my aunties do seem to think she is bad for not wanting to attend the first wedding among all the cousins..cuz my aunties do seem to think she is bad for not being willing enuff to take leave on tt day..cuz evrybody seems to think tt way..n she feels lyk she is at the losing end..its at times lyk this i realise whr I get MY thinking frm..my beloved crazy mum..its VERY frustrating..cuz i actually do wana go for the ROM n dinner cuz i want to..n partially cuz i DUN want my relatives not turning up at my ROM or wedding dinner..hell no..but i duno how to make my mum see reason..n wads worse my darling brothers taking my mum's side in all of this..shit shit shit..n wads worse-er than worse?...my darling dad is also on my mum's side...so im left all alone..to try n get my pnt across..which my mum still isnt accepting..hais..

n i woke up to hearing my mum on the fone wid HER mum..n both of them arguing i think..or perhaps juz having a 'heated' discussion..in the morn at abt 9+ again i think..its VERY annoying cuz my grandma was SO obviously complaining abt me..more specifically my disgusting dirty pig sty of a room..i wish i could actually tell this to EVERYBODY who dares comment on my prev dirty room..'i wish evry single one of u wld fuck[or to be nicer SOD] off..cuz i live in the fucking room..NOT u..so why dya hafta fucking comment?..no one is asking u to live in it either..n besides its not as if ur concerned abt my health or smth..u juz DUN lyk the sight of my room cuz its dirty..juz shut up n piss off'..yes fucking hell..its my room why does anybody else bother dammit?..my grandma was complaining abt my room to my mum while she was in BUKIT PANJANG at tt precise time..wad the bloody fucking fuck?...i was so annoyed i wish i cld haf shouted at my grandma..n the best part she wasnt even toking to me..why oh why did she hafta bring up the subject of my room?..it is VERY annoying..it juz pisses me off..its been pissing me off cuz almost EVERYBODY nags me abt my room.u wana kno the goddamn fucking truth..lemme tell u the goddamn fucking truth..the state of my room ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS reflects my mind..the only reason why i was ok enuff to clean up the room this wkend was BECAUSE i had smth to genuinely be happy abt..i felt happy n not messed up or once..because id got my license..because i got it in one attempt..because i can laugh at EVERYBODY who said tt i drive at 20km/h or EVERYBODY who said tt i wun pass it the first time around..my room is always in a bloody fucking mess wen i feel fucking messed up..ALWAYS..i noticed..zana noticed..chris noticed..ttz more than enuff so shut ur traps all those who wana comment on my room..god..the room has been lyk a pig sty eversince the start of the As..n it remained lyk tt all the way till this wkend..n trust me if i hadnt gotten my license i wldnt haf bothered..well yea juz had to get tt anger out..n then yea my grandma comments on our dressing n our hairstyles..n she practically cries wen she sees my hair cuz its so fucking thin..wad can i do?..she makes noise even wen we spend money..i duno how long im gona be able to keep my trap shut n not say anything against her..cuz really a lot of things abt the family is wearing me out..

oh yea n the highlight of the day was wen i told my mum how she is exactly lyk her mum n my mum COMPLETELY denied..i laughed in her face n told her in my best cracked up voice possible 'wad a joke'..wad a total fucking joke..obsession wid money?..her GRUMPINESS?..her moodswings?..her CONSTANT nagging?..please tell me again tt u r NOT at all lyk ur mum..accept the fact tt ur at least 75% lyk ur mum dammit..at least i accept it..in fact im ALMOST 100% lyk u..i WAS in denial but wad the hell..its fucking true man..k i shall not force a woman who is going thru menopause to believe tt she is exactly lyk her mum cuz she prolly has issues wid her mum juz lyk how i do..'

its 9 on sun...im going to sch tmw wid 15 grammar ws n 80 summaries to greet me..GREAT..n ive got abt 12 grammar ws here to mark..n i haven marked them..n i haven planned my wkly lessons..n i haven picked out wad to wear tmw..cuz all my pants r too ugly..im waiting to taper them..

i haven written in my diary for a long time..i almost feel guilty for giving my blog more attention than i do to my diary..im weird i kno..

my mum brought up the topic of my A level results for the first time this yr..n for the first time this yr i got reminded tt i haf yet to receive the results..ive kinda been on cloud 9 since fri n this brought me down to cloud 7..hopefully my bday will push it up to cloud 9 again...k anyway i told my mum of my plans of not going to collect the results n asking my teacher to msg my mum..my mum told me not to give her diarrhea whilst she is working..k anyway thrs this nagging feeling tt if i do manage to get into a uni i will never be able to fit in properly..it scares me..im not even matured or smart enuff to get into a uni..but say i do?..then how..im juz really really scared..u kno my 1st yr in CJ was hell cuz i was so alone..i guess im juz scared tt it will happen again wen i enter uni..n thrs othr stuff which i got totally no guts to say here..i shall juz keep it all in for awhile..

n smehow rite now i feel lyk crying..not cuz of this..but smth else..thanks a lot man..

i //young of the butterfly// you 8:20 PM

Friday, January 12, 2007

ppl do forget me vry easily..or maybe they juz dun care..well its ok..only zana vasan n nives actually wished me luck for my driving..well ppl thanks..n ur prayers helped TREMENDOUSLY..cuz even tho the weather the WHOLE day SUCKED BIG TIME..during the time of my test it was drizzling once i got on to the road.. (: n well i passed so technically ive got my license.. (: n nobody seems to be happy for me even wen i tell them..besides zana vasan n nives once again..

n once again it struck me tt IF i was still on talking terms wid chris she prolly wld haf followed me today..n she prolly wld haf gone out wid me after tt..n celebrated wid me..she din even wish me..

i had no one to celebrate wid actually..i felt kinda sad..but thrs no pnt feeling tt way rite..so yea..juz came hme..ate lunch watched TV n then i came here...quite sad tt i haf no life..

oh by the way i lied to my mum tt i told chris alrdy..was kinda shocked tt my mum actually asked me if i told her..blatantly outrightly lied to her..oh wells..

ive been wanting to tok to a particular someone for smetime..since i miss tt person quite a lot..but i haf absolutely no courage to initiate even an MSN convo..so i will juz sit here n miss tt person..

i forgot to meet nives today to get my work..the pile of work i hafta mark...thrs a lot..3 classes..im gona die on mon..n ive gotta PLAN lessons hais..

ppl really dun care rite?..its vry upsetting..but on the brightside thrs at least one thing to be happy abt..ive got my license.. (:

i //young of the butterfly// you 8:53 PM

Thursday, January 11, 2007

im sitting here blogging..only cuz i gotta clear my head..

currently the whole of praveena is a bundle of nerves..cuz if anyone cares ive got my TP test tmw..u kno wads tt?..yea my driving test to get my license..so those who read my blog tonight..pls do decide to pray for gd weather for me tmw n tt i will pass the test..cuz all i want is my license..ive been suffering enuff for almost a yr now..juz lemme get the license..juz lemme pass the test once n lemme prove it to those jackasses who think i cannot drive..

i had my last driving revision today..quite a bit of a prob cuz i was kinda tensed n cldnt drive properly initially..after tt it became better i guess..but seriously if tmw i can drive lyk how i drove on sat..it wld be perfect...hais..i really juz hope n pray i get my license..hais..

now ive come to realise tt teaching is really fucking tiring..it practically SUCKS ur energy..not the teaching part..the students suck ur energy..i so wonder how the real teachers do it..n its gona suck if im gona be feeling the same way on my bday..lyk hello??..i dun wana come home after sch n then slp the rest of the day..only to wake up watch certain shows plan lessons n fall back asleep again..bloody hell..u think i want tt?..nooooooooooooooooooooo...smeone pls be nice n decide to book me on my bday.. (:

i am so needing to do smth to my hair..feel lyk doing smth drastic..u kno cut it real short..juz smth different for once..cuz i look so old wid long hair..besides my students thot i was 25..n then wen i said younger they din even go below 23..god do i really look tt old??quite bad rite..n wad sucks is the fact tt i cant even let down my hair without looking messy..hais..

by the way as an afterthought..everybody seems to haf forgotten tt i haf my tp test tmw..hais..sad..sad..

i promise..cross my heart n hope to die..to clear my room by this wkend..i will do it on sat n sun..PLEASE God lemme had the willpower n determination to do it..cuz im so sick of seeing my room so messed up..well ive cleared up the bed at least..so ttz ok rite...but lemme juz PLEASE clean up the room by this wkend..n PLEASE lemme pass my tp test tmw..PLEASE PLEASE PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE....

i //young of the butterfly// you 8:42 PM

Sunday, January 07, 2007

dya kno wad it feels lyk to haf hatred and fucking rage coursing thru ur veins instead of blood?u dun?juz be me for one day n live wid my mum..juz one day..it'll be enuff to leave u wid hatred n rage flowing thru u for ur entire life n maybe 7 generations after tt..

NOW..wad she does..is..tell me..she doesnt want..me n my bros..to attend..my cousins ROM!..fucking shit..BITCH..BITCH..BITCH..my auntie told me to come cuz apparently all the cousins r gona go..u DO NOT COME N FUCKING TELL ME NOT TO ATTEND THE ROM!!!!..bitch..how many fucking times u gona fucking do this?the first time my grandauntie fell ill u called me n FUCKING SCOLDED me for WANTING to go visit her..n the only reason why u let us go tt day was cuz evrybody said she was gona die tt night..bitch wad the bloody fuck is wrong wid u..seriously?..how abt this k..if all the aunties told their children NOT to come for my ROM?..ud obviously be happier cuz then the fucking money tt u saved wldnt fucking go to waste..then how abt this..wen YOU are dying i DUN allow my children to see u?..how wld u feel?..nice feeling huh?..this is how much i bloody hate u..

why the fuck are u trying to drive me crazy?..u want me fucking out of the hse..lemme fucking kno..i will leave..gosh..dya kno ur seriously torturing me in evry serious way possible..i feel lyk im seriously going MAD..actually i dun even kno mad's the word for it..evrytime u shout or nag i feel lyk taking u n juz throwing u against the wall so tt u'd shut up FOREVER...evrytime u tell me NOT to do smth i wish i had the fucking courage to tell u to shut ur fucking trap..

actually i juz wish i had the courage to tell u how i feel abt living in this hse..i wish i had the courage to tell u shld lessen ur naggings cuz its driving me crazy bit by bit..

ARGHSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSssss..i wish id die..so tt i will stop cursing her..cuz as long as i live i will be hating her n cursing her..n i wana stop it..

now i wonder whr this hatred came frm..wen 2 or 3 yrs ago i realised tt i loved her..i duno how the love juz turned into hatred..i kno this is bad cuz im hating her lyk how i used to hate her in sec2..which was juz plain bad..instead of wishing her to die,now id rather i die..cuz if i die nobody wld care..my family wldnt even realise someone's missing..whereas if she died..the family prolly wldnt run n my dad wld e extremely hurt..so i juz wish long lives for them..for all of them..n i wish i wld die soon enuff..car accident..suicide..fire..drown..whatever..let me fucking juz die ok..

sunday morning..the Holy Sabbath Day..ppl r supposed to be holy..im trying to change..praying..n reading the teens bible evryday..im trying to get God back into my life..but i think Satan seriously has a hold over me alrdy..n at 1109 hrs im sitting at the com..cursing n swearing at my mum..half the fucking day isnt even over yet..God is so putting me in the lowest most bottom level of hell..n burning me so badly for eternity..

i //young of the butterfly// you 10:48 AM

Friday, January 05, 2007

FUCK the new yr..the mother spoiled my first day of the new yr..she did evrything possible to wreck it..she did evrything possible for me to feel evrything frm rage to sadness to hurt...haf had enuff of her..

its a gd thing thrs work to take my mind off things..ive been numbed for these 2 days tt i had work..which is a GREAT thing..

i wish for a few things rite now..
i wish i cld juz punch my mum n make her shut the fuck up.
i wish i cld record her bloody fucking naggings n let her listen to it.n then make her bloody fucking realise how it can seriously drive a person CRAZY.
i wish i cld fucking torture her.
i wish i cld fucking hurt her the way she hurts me to ler her know HOW fucked up it feels.
she takes away evrything tt makes me happy..she deprives me of anything tt makes me feel good..JUZ BECAUSE SHE CANNOT GET IT..
i DUN CARE if my room's a BIG FUCKING mess alright..i DUN CARE..u fucking throw away ANYTHING u see bitch wad i fucking do to u..ive had enuff of ur crap..enuff..im going MAD..hearing ur constant naggings..ttz why i try to come home late evryday..or once YOU come home i lock myself in my room..cuz im SO damn fucking sick of u..
im sick of feeling guilty..juz cuz we go out n u spend $300 on me DOESNT FUCKING MEAN A FUCKING THING..cuz u OUGHT TO!!!!i used to feel guilty tt uve done such a thing n make me think tt i shld juz forgive u..but not this time i swear..i wun feel guilty..
its cuz of you FOUR FUCKING times ive hurt myself in a terrible fit of rage..i wish i cld haf maybe juz punched u or hit u or smth...but instead i do it all to myself..n then ppl fucking question me..ONE MORE THING PPL WHETHER I CUT MYSELF OR DRINK GLUE OR TAKE A WHOLE BOX OF PANADOL IS NONE OF YOUR BLOODY FUCKING CONCERN[this goes out to evrybody except zana of course]..i totally regret hurting myself..cuz the most recent scars r the 2nd ugliest shit ive ever seen..im disgusted to see it evryday..i wish i cld hide it but wads the goddamn fucking damn pnt wen ive alrdy done it..ive gotta live wid it rite..FUCK...
I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!

thr ive let it out..till the PMS clears which it will after i start to leak..DUN try to fucking piss me off..DUN..i swear..

now tt ive let out the rage..lemme let out the fear..after having such HATRED n ANGER for my mum..i happen to be VERY scared to haf a child of my own..in the fear tt she may hate me lyk how i hate my mum..in the fear tt she may turn out exactly lyk me..someone wid low self esteem..someone who isnt strong at all..someone who turns to hurting herself to let out her inside pain/for the fun of it..someone who is so screwed up..someone who hates herself for wad she is even tho ppl happen to love her..in the fear tt she may not get enuff love frm me..in the fear tt she may sit down at a com one day n type this exact same things..i also fear tt i may really start hating my mum..cuz im sure i dun..im juz vry angry at her for taking away things tt make me happy..i fear tt we will never ever ever fix the rtshp..

right now wad i need is a PLACE..a PLACE whr i can be by myself..a PLACE whr i can find peace..i juz need a peace of mind rite now..i really juz need to be away..frm things..frm ppl..i duno wad to do to get rid of all these fucked up feelings..

thrs no pnt in complaining abt chris anymore..i haven thot much of her since after seeing her at my grandauntie's place..duno if i forgot or wad..but the more i realise how much she has been in the same situations wid her frens as wad happened between the both of us..she still can make allowances for her frens..not me..makes me realise tt i definitely wasnt a priority in her life..it hurts to kno tt smeone u love so much cannot love u tt much in return..well i duno if im coping wid it..n id be lying if i said im completely ok..lets juz say i dun wana see her face anymore cuz i wun be able to bear it..it sucks to kno tt this happened between us..but i guess sooner or later we'll juz become surface frens lyk wad happened wid priya..i duno wen i finally got over the hurt of losing priya's frenship..i duno wen i finally got over the hurt of losing jay's frenship..thing is i dun even kno if ive gotten over it..i duno wen i will get over the hurt of losing chris..but i juz hope n pray it be soon..it wld be convenient if i juz forgot her rite..but dya realise its fucking hard to do it cuz she happens to be cousin..whom i will be seeing at evry family gathering..n the best part is tt her sis thinks she is right n tt im in the wrong..hais..wad happened to the matured mentalities of 24yr olds huh?..

i also see anothr thing..ppl cannot accept my temper/moodswings..well ppl u haf no damn idea how difficult it is for me to change it..really u dun understand..n u wldnt..i kno tt ppl i meet along the way arent gona last cuz we'll fight or drift lyk wad happens wid all the ppl i meet or end up loving..i wish id stop trusting ppl..i will..i hope..chris hates me for my FUCKING attitude..anybody else who hates me for it PLEASE lemme kno..i can compile a list..it wld keep me entertained for some time..besides it wld interesting to kno how many ppl hate me..

n ppl in case u dun realise thrs such a thing called the PHONE or SMS if u dun feel lyk hearing my voice..not only MSN or blogs exist ok..

n the person who said he wants to do the grand honours for my death..do u wana kill me?..cuz if u want to im open to the invitation now..juz make me die..as long as i die..

i //young of the butterfly// you 9:46 PM