Monday, November 20, 2006
so hafiz's lunch today..i went expecting the worst...lets juz say it was kinda good..well definitely a brk frm the usual fcked life..but smehow my mind was smewhr else..
another totally random thing......
1.u must be stupid..
2.u haf such a big heart tt u CANNOT bear to tell IT off..
3.u dun believe IT but u juz dun give a fuck..
4.u dun believe IT but u actually let tt be known..
take ur pick..n wen u figure it out do lemme kno aites??oh by the way my 15 yr old and 12 yr old bros take 4..which is so OBVIOUSLY the smartest choice..
so i wana run away...why???..really praveena why do u wana do tt?..the utmost bottomline is i juz need a brk frm these ppl...frm family mainly..maybe i dun wana run away..but i juz wana be away temporarily..i cannot take seeing my brothers being put thru smewad the same shit i was put thru..even tho they are handling it WAY better..they dun seem to hate my mum..but i think ttz cuz they got my dad to tok to..i feel lyk its a prison whr im living in..i cannot watch the tv wen my parents are back frm work cuz they hog the tv..at night i cant slp n smetimes i cant use the com cuz my bro needs it..in the day i haf hsewrk n othr stuff to do..now since its the As its juz studying..but after tt im juz gona haf NOTHING to do..im lyk living without a purpose la...its juz shitty..u kno wen u juz haf nothing to do at all it can drive u crazy u kno..sitting thr n juz stoning..i think its driving me crazy bit by bit..
n trust me i SOOOOO need a brk frm PEOPLE in general..gosh...honestly as im becoming older im meeting weirder n weirder ppl...its so tiring to make compromises for evrybody n deal wid them..really..i lyk try to make compromises for ppl cuz i kno thr r ppl out thr who make compromises for me...but gosh smetimes ppl juz push u to ur limits..i juz wana be away frm those ppl who make me feel lyk i haf no worth..i wana be away frm ppl who are an INSULT to MY existence [oh n thr r PLENTY]...
And that’s all. Life, human existence ultimately amounts to one big NOTHING; this is the nothingness of human existence. This is nihilism. Life perceived and understood in this way is no longer meaningful. Instead life viewed in this way seems absurd, so pointless, so meaningless.If this is all there is to life, then what is the point of it all. Not being able to see any rhyme or reason to life inevitably makes life seem absurd. the urge to pick up bharatha natyam again is bloody strong..i juz wish my mum wld encourage me a bit more n be happier tt i wana take it up..in any case im doing it soon..maybe this sat..go thr n sign up..
n anyway hearing my mum LIE thru her teeth smetimes hurts me..she juz says a lot of crap abt me..n it juz bring my self esteem lower...i think now its in the negative millions..i juz feel so completely stupid..she keeps drilling it into my head tt im ugly n tt i DUN behave lyk a girl..k the ugly part forget it cuz wen i TRIED to prove to her tt im not she managed to pick out MANY flaws..BUT how dya want me to prove to you tt i really am a girl??n tt i do behave lyk a girl?..gosh smeone pls tell me i dun behave lyk a girl?..sat RIGHT after family gathering she gave me hell..she started shouting n scolding n putting othr sort of rubbish ideas in my head..n even wen my relatives were thr she kept saying tt i duno how to pick out sari colours..i felt so exasperated..cuz i KNOW she hates black n i NEVER do pick any black saris wen i go out wid her..n she kept saying tt i do..i mean why?..why does she lie till lyk tt?..n i feel SO completely stupid for sitting here,typing this n crying at the same time..i feel so goddamn helpless..
n thr was this pnt in time wen i told her she shld watch munna bhai 2 cuz its abt ghandhi's teachings..she told me straight in my face tt i shld go learn n change myself first..omg mum do u even realise tt ur more screwed up than me?..do u ever haf moments wen ur TRULY GENUINELY happy?..haf u come to realise tt money ISNT evrything?..i can answer both for u..NO and NO..im so sick of having to deal wid you..i TRY to help u realise but u dun want to..im so....at wits end...
n she keeps reminding me tt i once said tt i dun give a damn abt wad othrs say...true i dun..u kno why cuz they happen to say 'good' stuff abt me..nothing,never ever tt puts me down..whereas u do...my frens ALL happen to say stuff to heighten my self confidence but do u kno u DUN?..u juz say all the WORST UNIMAGINABLE stuff abt me tt i feel pretty disgusted wid myself..k maybe ttz another reason why i wana die..
my own mother..my birth mother..my mother..the ONE being who supposedly comes BEFORE God..she hates me for me..she juz doesnt lyk me..perhaps in a certain sense she sees sme of herself in me..n ttz why she hates me..god i duno..i really dun..n wad to do?i hate myself too..
thoughts of suicide..something i still do have..i dun care if u call me a fucking coward cuz u think im not brave enuff to go jump off the building..really dun give a damn..maybe to a certain extent i am..definitely..it takes ALOT to actually do it..today in hafiz's hse smth lyk this happened la the whole talking abt suicide thing..in a sense its quite funny..but then again wad makes u think i dun actually do othr stuff to myself?..i was juz thinking..ive actually tried othr shit so many times juz for the fun of it..i find the whole thing SO funny..ive even contemplated juz spoiling my life...u kno lyk going into prostitution or joining a gang..or doing smth REALLY stupid..but fortunately or maybe even unfortunately i only haf thots of it la..not really wana do it..maybe this is one of those things tt distracts me frm my alrdy fcked life..
ultimately i think my life is juz a complete joke..i DUN want ppl to feel sorry or whatever for me..but pls seriously feel free to laugh at my life...
n i think i sound lyk a complete psycho..
i //young of the butterfly// you 12:11 AM
Saturday, November 18, 2006
will someone or anyone
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get me the ONE TREE HILL SEASON 1-4 DVDs or VCDs?
i //young of the butterfly// you 2:19 AM
Thursday, November 16, 2006
And Hansel said to Gretel, let us drop these breadcrumbs so that together we find our way home. Because losing our way would be the most cruel of things. This year I lost my way.
And losing your way on a journey is unfortunate. But losing your reason for the journey is a fate more cruel.
The journey lasted eight months. Sometimes I travelled alone. Sometimes, there were others
who took the wheel and took my heart. But when the destination was reached...it wasn't me who arrived. It wasn't me at all.
And once you lose yourself, you have two choices: find the person you used to be...or...lose that person completely.
Because, sometimes, you have to step outside of the person you've been. And remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be.
There are two tragedies in life: one is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it.
I lost myself this year. And what I did, I lost the people I truly care about.
Suddenly, it felt wrong that you weren't there.
I realise now that when your heart breaks, you gotta fight like hell to make sure you're still alive. Because you are, and that pain you feel...it's life. The confusion and fear...that's there to remind you that somewhere out there is something better. And that something is worth fighting for.
As we strain to grasp the things we desire. The things we think will make our lives better...money, popularity, fame. We ignore what truly matters...the simple things like friendship, family, love. The things we probably already had.
Yeah, losing your heart's desire is tragic. But gaining your heart's desire...It's all you can hope for. This year, I wished for love. To immerse myself in someone else and to wake a heart long afraid to feel. My wish was granted. And if having that is tragic...then give me tragedy. Because I wouldn't give it back for the world.
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im learning a lot of things as e yr comes to an end..it really opens up my eyes to a lot of things..initially this yr i thot i was matured..i wld be able to defend myself from anything..but unfortunately LIL MISS DEFENSIVE was juz wrong..i realise tt i may have made MANY foolish mistakes this yr..but i wonder were they really mistakes or blessings in disguise?cuz wen i think abt it more n more i feel they're all actually blessings..
then everthing hits me again..how STUPID ive been this past yr..happiness...its smth tt belongs to evrybody..nobody has a right to deprive ppl of their happiness..but very unfortunately in this cruel world ppl do tt all the time..so all this while ive been letting ppl deprive me of my happiness..making me think they're all impt..but im learning tt after all they arent..learning it the real hard way..not ALL are worth ur happiness n love..zana told me tt i easily let ppl deprive me of my happiness..so i make a promise to find at least 10 minutes in a day to be happy..10 minutes out of 1440 minutes are a day..i will..n niva says they'll learn the hard way..well i guess karma works its way into evrybody's live as well huh?
i dun lyk being a fake..i dun lyk being a hypocrite..but i kno n believe tt evrybody has their good n bad pnts..n in a way evrybody's a hypocrite,fake n what nots as well..but i try my best to not show tt side of me..n i dun lyk doing things wen i dun do it whole heartedly..really dun lyk it..n im not exactly MISS SOCIAL BUTTERFLY either..n perhaps u guys haven noticed but my social circle nowadays has really shrunk a lot..smehow it doesnt matter to me..as long as i still got myself i think i shld be ok..n wen i dun lyk a person i duno if i actually show it but if i do im sorry..but well i juz cant hide it..
n this yr ive 'lost' [well in a sense] a few ppl..those whom ive held dearly to my heart..but right now..wen i think of those ppl..ive got no feelings..maybe i juz live in the moment..if u happen to be thr in the moment - good..if u dun happen to be thr in the moment - take it whatever way u want to cuz i aint gona say bad...but i duno..maybe deep down inside it all hurts a lot..i juz haven let it out yet..i kno i haven..n wen i break i juz hope its not in front of ppl or not at ppl..
guys..they're complex creatures..juz lyk how they think girls r complex..yea well..in a certain sense i'll never understand guys..cuz of a lot of reasons..n im starting to think maybe guys not being perceptive enuff is a gd thing cuz then they get along wid ppl pretty well...lyk smebody once said 'guys can BOND over a soccer ball'..in a sense its gd i think..but recently its got me wondering abt lotsa stuff..e guys ive met..all range frm bastardly fuckers[literally] to real precious gems..but im confused cuz even the precious gems seem a bit not 'gem-mish'..a bit off..i duno..im not blaming them..i still think they're precious gems..but its juz tt when my perception n their perception dun match it kinda ruins/hurts/complicates the frenship..n thing is im not one who talks it out esp wid guys..so its difficult for me..n ive decided tt i will let it go..i will..eventually..n i guess after As wld be a gd time..
i //young of the butterfly// you 2:36 AM
Monday, November 13, 2006
i need smth to calm me down cuz im freaking out big time..for econs..on tues..well lets count the amount of dates i plan to haf after the As..
1.JAN!!!!!!!!! - its been TOO FUCKING long..n we shall go for a pedicureeee kaes..wid chris..n u two better dun fight all..aiyoh..n jan rem I LOVE U.. (: smile..im always here for u kaes...2.ASH!!!!!!!! - in a sense its also been TOOOOOO FUCKING long..last time we saw each othr was at AJ in feb..whr we ran n hugged each othr than ran to the toilet changed n went back to our rooms n never saw each othr after tt..god i miss u nut..n i dun care..im meeting u..as many time as i can after As..n i think wen u fly off to Aussie to see ur sis i'll also be flying over..so YAY..missed u lyk shit babe..3.SATHESH!! - technically we dun go out on dates..but family gatherings rather..my dearestest cousin whom i haven had a chance to tok to in AGES..n ive got TRUCKLOADS to tell u..so we're meeting or staying over smwhr n toking ok..4.CHRISTINA - how can i forget my beloved darling?..she's gona follow me get my stuff for prom..n a few more piercings if i feel lyk it.. (: n clubbing..if we do decide to go tt is..I CANT WAIT TO SEE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!5.CHITRA - lets make this date happen at least..maybe a movie or smth..kaes..n we so totally need to catch up..LOVE YOU (:6.ZANA N VASAN - see now i need to go zana hse n sleep whilst vasan entertains her..or rather we both juz irritate the HELL out of zana.. (: WOOOHOOO cannot wait..7.MEL - am gona stayover one day..n i cant wait..cuz i miss talking to you in person..hais..missing u so much mel..but thanks for toking to me almost every night on msn even tho u haf PLENTY of work to do im sure..LOVE YOU TOO.. (:8.MR POOSAAMY - my beloved husband..the love of my life..singapore'e next top model..miss sexy...OUR CLUBBING DATE!!!!..im so excited...n dun worry u can get drunk/high wid me around cuz i'll definitely take care of you.. (:9.JOLENE HUANG - my secret sharer,my confidante...maybe we shld do tt ECP thing again lyk we did the prev time...n talk this time round instead of studying for A Math..remember?..haha..we shall go out more kaes..10. DENESH AND KOHILA - yes..u guys are not my frens juz for this one yr..i love u guys so much n we will last k..dinner/lunch..anything juz as long as we meet n tok..i owe u guys SO much cuz of wad u all did for me..you both made sch WORTH attending..you both made me LOVE coming to sch..so thanks so much..so we'll meet k..n I LOVE YOU GUYS..11.lastly PRAVEENA - yes a date wid myself..wanted to go to the beach..write in my diary..reflect on my life..n come home wid a clearer mind,heart,conscience..not bad ah..10 dates.. (:
technically 1.5 days to bro coming back..FASTERRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!
i think my mum's angry wid me for smth i said to her..but oh well..she had to know..n i din exactly brk it out to her vry gently..i feel rotten really..juz hope tt she understands..
n i realised its been majorly long since i talked abt driving..hehe..THANK GOD..but i gotta strt in dec again..my practices..n then practically everyday frm jan onwards..hope i get my license the first time round..so less than a mth more n u guys can read my bitching abt driving.. (:
i //young of the butterfly// you 2:56 AM
Friday, November 10, 2006
guys so totally amuse me...n they never fail to crack me up man...they're juz damn funny..
n im missing my brooooo..4 more days till he's back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cannot waitttttt (:
i //young of the butterfly// you 9:53 PM
Sunday, November 05, 2006
suta n logita the 2 biggest liars ive known my entire life..n sad to say they're my cousins n i actually thot they were trustworthy..
dun tell me to juz sit here n see u both ROT n SPOIL cuz i kno the shit ttz happening wid the both of u..i read one prev convo between the both of u tt was enuff to let me kno tt whatever i tell
suta,
suta goes n tells logita..rem tt time wen i told u[
suta] abt tt STUPID JAPPI calling me back n chris seeing logita at wid KATTAI at vista pnt..i KNOW for a fact tt u went to tell her[logita]..n logita i kno u called me a cheebye..i dun care..u wana hate me hate me openly..dun go around being a hypocrite..n logita u said this 'if they dun care they will die ah'..no we wun..but as u can see u seem to be one person in the family who is really spoiling urself..u NEED someone to guide u..but if u dun want anybody then fine..i cant be bothered..n its not as if i am so nosey to go n poke my nose into things..its PEOPLE who come n tell me they see u doing this and tt..not tt i wana go around poking my nose into ur business..n
suta if ur gona help her cover things up..go ahead..but after this i DUN wana haf anything to do wid both of u anymore..u both go cover things up for each othr..continue calling me a bitch n a cheebye behind my back..i dun really care anymore..
n
suta im sure u actually kno abt logita's 'bf'..u kno the crap tt she does..whatever u kno if u still try to cover up for her u r pretty dumb..cuz these kinda things vry easily spoil a person..n ur alrdy 16..i think u SHOULD haf some sense of maturity..but it doesnt seem lyk it since ur covering up for her..well i juz duno wad to say to u..juz tt im utterly disappointed wid the both of u..but i told myself its ok its for the sake of family n love..but oh wells..now i realised i was SO stupid..
after reading tt convo i was shocked n utterly disgusted..i so make myself a joke..n logita u wana call me a cheebye call me tt in my face ok..dun go n tok to suta behind my back n say such stuff..
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i really am quite a joke..u kno since the day logita stepped into sec sch A LOT of things told me NEVER EVER trust her..joke ard wid her laugh wid her go out wid her BUT never let her into my life..same goes for
suta..i mean i was always ok wid her..but i juz had this strong feeling tt i shld never let them kno wad was going on in my life..BUT i never paid attn to tt cuz my mum n all my aunties always told me treat my cousins as my own siblings n so i did..i loved them a lot..i told myself to be patient wid them as they go thru their teenage phase..i told myself to try..i did..but i came across their convo today..n i was hurt,disgusted n disappointed..i mean to think tt i actually wasted my time caring for them n loving them..it so is a waste of my time n efforts..n i mean poking my nose into othr people's business..i dun do tt u kno..its people who come n tell me shit abt them..u dun expect me to sit around n do nothing rite?..well i guess its tt teenage age whr u juz DUN want ppl toking shit abt u or poking their nose into ur business..im sorry if ive infringed in ur lives in anyway..but juz kno this one thing...u wana hate me,call me names call me those names straight in my damned face..dun do it behind my back ok?..
n well i never shld haf let myself get close to them in the firt place cuz i knew our maturity levels never clicked..but cuz of wad happened wid
suta last yr i told myself to get over it n try my best to be a fren to them...well it doesnt really help does it?..i mean im still called a 'cheebye' after all..im ashamed to haf even thot tt
suta n logita cld perhaps become lyk a christina on my mum's side..well how stupid i was..
i guess the one thing i cld learn out of this whole thing is NEVER EVER to trust them n perhaps not even tok to them again..another thing i still CANNOT handle teenagers n shldnt try anymore..n after all this im stupid enuff to actually feel hurt..i guess its another one of those instance wen the ppl i love actually betrayed me..it ALWAYS happens to me..
i //young of the butterfly// you 4:07 PM
Saturday, November 04, 2006
MEL: its been quite long..promise we'll meet up after As k..n it was nice chatting wid u.. (:JAN:thanks for being the absolutely retarded fren i haf..who can actually try to convince me out of suicide wid crazy reasons...well in any case sorry for neglecting u these past few mths..promise to meet up after As..n go on our 811 rounds k..n ive really really miss u LOADS.. :(-i guess things wid zana is getting back on track..cuz things seem better now..smehow..
-last night wen i chatted wid jan n hafiz..i realised my worth..i duno..smehow it feels as though lyk even if my family doesnt want me my frens still do n i think for now ttz enuff to make me wana live on..n anyway lyk i admitted last night i wana live...but not in this hse..but i dun think i'll ever leave..in a sense,to me,i feel lyk im living in a trap..in a prison..but i dun wana complain anymore..lets leave it alright..anymore wads the pnt in complaining..shared sorrow is sorrow halved..doesnt quite apply for me..
i //young of the butterfly// you 10:18 PM