Tuesday, November 13, 2007
i have a fucked up day everyday that i have school.as if it is not enough my brother asks me to go get his application form from santhi auntie's house.i had my fucking 3 hours long break today and spent it drawing and writing a letter to jay at starbucks.spent 3 fucking hours in POA lecture and tutorial having NO ONE to talk to.even to lighten up my mood.then at 1745 i took the fucking 190.got caught in jam till 1830.then reached suta's house at 1845.then my uncle comes home early and decides that he will put the application forms back in the house.so i had to wait there till 1915-1930 until suta gets home.then i take the 171.in which there was no place to sit.then i took the 811 home.and because of the lack of sugar i almost flew to the other end of the bus when the fucking bus driver brakes so suddenly.
and i think i got frostbite.like a very slight bit.my finger tips looked very slightly blue and i felt like a 1000 needles were poking into them.my toes were totally numb.i could feel goosebumps because of the cold.basically i was freezing from fucking 1400 all the fucking way to 2000++ hours.
and to top it all off when i came home,NO ONE said hello to me.no one said ANYTHING to me.i went straight to my room,collapsed on the floor and cried.i was still freezing.i was so tired.i just wanted somebody to talk to and NO ONE does.my brother didn't even ask about the form.neither did he thank me for taking it.FUCK YOU ASSHOLE.FUCK ALL OF YOU living in my house.FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.
edit
i am sorry.i just hate life.for a long time i stopped thinking of suicide and dying.but it is back again.no point in life anymore.handsome's not here anymore.he is probably up there with God.so might as well i go join him.and then i can be with ALL the other animals that have been put to sleep.i will be with all the different breeds of dogs.i can meet God.i can meet my 2 grandfathers.i can meet so many people.Thomas Edison.Elvis Presley.some other random fucker.
since my mother also doesn't feel a thing,wouldn't it make things easier if i just leave[for good] now?no hassle.there's enough money in my account to cover for the funeral expenses.not like i want some royal send-off.my parents wouldn't feel a thing.as far as my brothers are concerned their 'account' would just be frozen permanently.i have grown apart from everybody else.so they just won't feel a thing.
zana how i wish i could talk to you.but somehow..well at least for now i just cannot go back to normal with you.because when i needed you the most you weren't there.not at all.and i am not angry with you.i am angry with myself for trusting you so much and letting myself down ultimately.but for the record i don't blame you for anything because i understand that you have work and that is your utmost priority.so just go ahead.and when you decide you miss me then let me know.but then again you have already let me know.it is just up to me to actually reply you.we'll see how long it takes
life without handsome really sucks shit.its fucking hell.i swear.i would gladly give up my life if God would assure me that i can spend the rest of eternity with handsome.that would be enough for me.just enough.
i //young of the butterfly// you 10:51 PM
Friday, November 09, 2007
i cried.cried till my eyes are puffy.cried till my face feels swollen.cried till i am having a real bad headache.and i can still cry.
because of the guilt i am going to carry with me.
i know that time heals all wounds but when you're living in the moment,trying to pass that 'time',what you go through is hell.something i am going through now.
i ask God to give me strength to pull through this but since 25th of October i have just lost faith in You.i cannot believe you will help me anymore.
i now know for sure that he has been put to sleep.i don't know what to feel about it anymore.relief?guilt?sad?angry?
i just feel so heartbroken.my heart just aches so badly.it feels like life has no more meaning to it.it feels like i have been torn apart and each piece shredded to its finest.i don't know how long more it will take for me to stop crying whenever i think of him.
everything really is my fault.i cannot bring myself to put it in simple words what actually happened.because there is a whole long story behind it and you probably won't understand.
i //young of the butterfly// you 1:09 AM
Thursday, November 01, 2007
when my brother told me what my dad said last thursday it only confirmed one thing.that man HAS feelings while my mother doesn't.
you know prakash you got to understand that daddy WASN'T scolding you.he was merely echoing what i wrote in my diary.and in any case he is more lenient than mummy.
you see everybody has been upset about the dog leaving.well at least everybody except my mother.we've all been sad.the house has felt so empty and depressing.my fucking mother though acts like everything is fine.everything is normal.which is why i curse her over and over again.i hate that bitch.
the past few days i have been doing things under the impression that handsome is still home.painful because the minute i realise he isn't anymore my heart just hurts.i have a very strong feeling he has been put to sleep but i cannot do anything about it because i cannot take him back.neither can i bring him back to life.
i don't know what i want.for the handful who have been trying their very best to make me feel better.trust me i know how genuine some of you are and i appreciate it.and janani really thanks a lot.and clare too.i know you cannot really understand my pain but i appreciate the fact that you are trying.that is all i need.to know that someone bothers.
i //young of the butterfly// you 11:02 PM