im a lil butterfly (:

ALL U NEED TO KNO IS
SEXY BANANA (:
17011988
tall dark n drop dead gorgeous (:

THE LOVED ONES

chitra*
janani*
priya*

THE RANTS AND THE RAVES


Flashbacks.

March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008
Tuesday, May 31, 2005

yipin is leaving in 16 days..the thought of it is freaking me out..

i changed skin as u can see..can u guys PLSSSSSSS guess who tt girl is??..but i duno..im juz not happy wid the skin..i wana do a skin myself..but i duno how to..

din go for make up lesson today.. i duno woke up at 7 n felt lyk i din wana go..so i din..n my nose is getting frm bad to worst..ARGHS..n wen i woke up i was sooooo surprised to see mum at hme..cuz wen i woke up earlier i recall seeing her go to work..turns out tt she took leave..duno y but seemed gd to haf her hme..but she went out duno whr..u kno i remember those times wen we had a maid..it was gd then cuz lyk thr was someone caring for us..but we juz dun haf anyone..n wen my mum comes back she is juz too occupied wid hsewrk..nvm nvm..

tmw got sch frm 8-12..hais..do i look lyk i even wana go??no..but i hafta drag my bloody self outta bed tmw n GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...hais..im hating school..im gona email ani auntie now n ask her abt the uni thing..i dun care..im doing it..


i //young of the butterfly// you 10:08 PM
Monday, May 30, 2005

ok...im craving for

ok so u see..this is bad..actually no its BAD..terrible..how??????..ok nvm..i duno y im hungry also..i juz am..maybe cuz dinner was juz tuna sandwich..ive been craving for lotsa food lately..

make up lesson today SUCKED..basically cuz i din get to see Jo n Pinks..i mean lyk on any othr sch day seeing them will juz cheer me up la..n then today..mood was damn shitty..din tok to anybody othr than michelle,jy n laureen..hais..u kno smetimes i juz wonder if ppl lyk michelle n jy werent in my class i dun tink i wld haf had the strength to go on..hais..aiya..nvm..

met lene today..i was juz so happy to meet her..haha..n i love disturbing tt babe..yeas well..i miss her..im glad tt i met her today..i hope we go out for a clique dinner wen she comes back..maybe on a fri or smth..hais..i really wana meet them..everybody...esp mel..n she is going to LONDON..leneeeeeee...take care of urself aight??..hais y did we hafta be separated??tis sux..


i //young of the butterfly// you 11:23 PM


randomness


i //young of the butterfly// you 1:19 AM
Sunday, May 29, 2005

i HATE the fucking hairdresser who cut my hair..fucking bitch..she CHOPPED off HALF my hair....n my mum thinks its FINE..im NEVER going to her again..im so pissed off..n the only consolation my mum n aunties cld gimme was 'its ok..it will grow'..fuck u..it will grow n become SO FUCKING UGLY...bloody fuck..i swear she is a bloody illiterate ok..i said i want V not a fucking U..bloody fck..i wanted lyk a 30 or 20 degrees V but she gave me more lyk a 140 degrees V..n its LOOKS round..its ugly..i take pride in my hair cuz i happen to love my hair..n this fucking bitch comes along n spoils it..i SWEAR im never gona let her touch my hair again..n all she does, the bloody hairdresser, is complain abt how the colouring spoilt my hair..yes fucker i kno..i fucking kno ok..i fucking kno...n its cuz tt bitch of a mother REFUSED to gimme money for my prom ttz y i dyed it myself...ok?..i dun regret it a single bit cuz i think its looks fine..if u DUN lyk it i CANT help u..anyway who the fuck r u to tok abt my hair??..leave me alone la bloody fuck..UGHSSSSS..so irritating..i cut my hair on sat but i wasnt angry till i came hme n found out she cut my hair WRONGLY.....WRONGLY...fuck fuck fuck..n u kno wad i sat down juz now n cried n juz threw a tantrum cuz i was so angry..u see..im going mad..fuck it..i fucking hate the hair now..fucking bitch..i feel lyk going back to her shop n smashing her face into the glass door..she deserves a goddamn slap..y the fuck is she a hairdresser if she CANT understand wad her customers want..my mum has got nice hair so no matter how u cut it looks nice..my hair..evrytime u cut it it curls up n she gave me a fucking fringe..n i din even realise it till i got hme..n the fringe fucking CURLS up..dya haf any idea how UGLY it looks..i officially look ugly..i hope my mum is happy cuz she NEVER gives me a chance to feel good abt myself..NEVER..bitch..i hate the bloody hairdresser..im NEVER going to her..my hair loooks DISGUSTING..im gona cry again..for nothing..


i //young of the butterfly// you 1:37 PM
Thursday, May 26, 2005

i am NOT PMS-ing lyk wad u think ok??..i kno i PMS 24/7 but u kno wad..this time im not..surprising??..NO..fuck it..cuz im really pissed wid a lot of things..so i suggest u dun read this entry if u dun wana see a lot of fucks again..yeas..n i kno wad u will think after reading this entry..'yea tell me wen is she ever happy??she's always sad or depressed or angry.n wen doesnt she ever use fuck??'..get tt fcking thot out of ur mind..u haf NO fcking rights to think of me lyk tt..no fcking rights ok??..i can feel whatever i want to cuz i haf MY rights..i dun give a damn if u hate me..i dun..so u juz dun give a damn if i hate u too..ok??..wait its not me asking u nicely its me ORDERING u..WHATEVER..

ok yeas..we haf distanced..im sure of it..very very sure..maybe im the one putting the distance..i duno..no actually i dun think i am the one..*'s the one putting the distance between us..i kno it..its * not me..ive been trying so hard all this while..but really thrs nothing..nothing at all..i fcking wana cry cuz i feel lyk ive lost yet anothr person..actually its not juz the both of us..thr r many more also..whom ive lost touch wid..

my hp is spoilt..terribly spoilt..i duno wad to do..i dun wana be untrustworthy n juz draw money frm my bank acct n get a new one..i want a job..so i can work for it or smth..im shit depressed ok..

my PW grp is ok..juz tt wen i go for meeting they leave me n her out..but its not so bad so she din need to go back since the meeting was in her hse..but i had to go back wid them..n they really really made me feel so left out..i felt lyk complete shit..n yea i WAS sulking cuz i WAS angry..wid u guys ok..ANGRY..i looked fierce cuz i AM fierce..bloody FUCK..enuff of comments abt my fucked up face alrdy ok??..enuff..i KNO for a fact my face is fucked up..shut ur fucking mouth abt it can??FUCK..

n mr muthu bday..evrything is a SCREW up..cuz evrybody fucking cancelled on me last min..i din spend 60bucks for nothing u kno u fucking assholes..n now chris tells me 2kg cake is for a whole class..fuck..im pissed ok..really pissed..cuz evrything is a mess..im so fcking broke..jay cant join us for dinner..jeff isnt even coming..n some bastard in tuition wants to go tok to him[not jeff]..yea tok..fuck u la assholes..motherfucking fuckers..u two esp..fuckers fuckers fuckers..

n SHE..u kno wad??if she aint gona tok to me properly then i got no wish to tok to her properly also..she is blowing evrything up..ok??..ur blowing it up??u hear me?..to u its fine but to others it ISNT..accept tt..u understand??..thr ur bloody bro bugs me..n now he wants to approach him..WHATEVER ok??..naturally siblings take each othrs side..DUH!!!!to ur bro wad u did wasnt wrong..but u kno wad??to othrs it was..i dun give a FUCK anymore..cuz im so so so so damn fucking pissed at the 2 of u..fuck u guys la..

oh yea n THEY suck too..fuckers..the more i see u guys the more i get disgusted n angry wid u..

n my class..u guys haf made me FUCKING miserable since i started in CJ..save a few..but most of u..n i hate u guys..i swear on the last day of sch i will put HATE notes on ur desk..FUCKERS..n i HOPE i leave CJ n go to aussie..i dun care if im gona miss mel or jo or priya or most of my frens..u kno y??cuz i juz wana fucking get out of CJ..its a fcking shithole..esp wid my class..i fcking hate all of u cowards..


i //young of the butterfly// you 9:59 PM
Monday, May 23, 2005

erm ok..stuff happened..

yeas..the highlight was obviously jay's sis wedding reception..i din attend the wedding cuz of sme reasons la..so yea..but the wedding reception was GREAT...met jay's dad n many of the family members..actually danced during dancefloor..well not dance..but shaked ok??..haha..but yea was great..but i only sat wid jay after the dinner..so sad..haha..but at least i was wid jan so not so bad right..yeas..then jan nanthu dhanya her bro n jay had to go up on stage to tok abt their sis..aiyoh..was so so so fricking touching..my god..was so sweet k..imagine ur cousin whom ur so damn close to..n then she's getting married AND migrating..shit..dun wana imagine it mans..joanna'll prolly get married first or smth..shucks..but i wana be her bridesmaid..haha..i asked her..haha..sorry find it damn funny..but its really fun to be part of a wedding..i mean yeas..its hardwork n stuff..wid all the prep..stuff u gotta buy n all..so much shit la..but i mean for evrything ur gona be having a PERFECT night..n im sure jay's sis n her husband did..the whole thing was juz so beautiful..but i wasnt moved to tears..mayb cuz she isnt so close to me..but im sure if i ever get married n they get ppl to come up to tok abt me, the min those ppl step on stage i wil prolly juz cry..omg..im an emo freak i swear..n i wore chris's beautiful blue n green sari..im in love wid it..its SOOOOOOOOOOOO beautiful i swear..took fotos..haha..haf them on shutterfly..juz duno how to get the link..will link it up soon..I LOVE SARIS cuz i think i look nice in them..u kno how i feel ugly all the time..well saris are the only things tt make me feel nice n good abt myself..haha..n by the way jay's uncle flirted wid me..ok..i honestly thot he was juz joking n stuff..but he really gave me his card..i swear i FREAKED OUT..thank god jay was protecting me..how wonderful to haf a fren lyk her so protective of me n all..i was so touched i swear..but wen i was dancing wid him the convo went lyk this....

him: so ur in CJ rite?
me: yea
him: teacher right??
me: stands shocked..then starts shaking head vehemently...NOOOO..im a student
him: now he stands in shock..really?
me:yea..im in year 1..student..NOT teacher
him: u look so mature

OH FUCK..thanks a lot man..i get LOADS of tt wen i wear any trad indian costumes..BUT i dun care im still gona wear them cuz i feel good in them..haha..but i was so scared of him la..aiyoh n the best part is tt he is married..WITH kids..n his wife was on the dancefloor too..arghs..n it seems a lot of their relatives noticed tt he was flirting wid me..shit..i feel so so so so embarassed..freak..this is bad la..bad..ARGHS..well lets not think abt tt anymore..jay jan nanthu n me stayed over..we had a whole room to ourselves n yea we had fun too..eating tissue prata at night..was damn nice la..then toking abt ghost stuff..experience n all tt shit la..was quite ok..i mean we din freak ourselves out or anything..haha..we slept at abt 4+..then woke up at 10+..showered..n checked out..then we went for lunch at LJS..n its ture..LJS service SUX..but the food is gd..haha..yeas..came hm..slacked n watched manmadhan..gona study lata..anyways BHANGRA ROCKS MY SOCKS!!!!!..hahahahahahahahahahahahaha..

oh yea..my hp is spoilt again..cant be charged..n it happened cuz of my anger..which is getting out of hand..terribly out of hand..on sun wen i got angry i juz shouted out in my room 'fucking bitch'..n i smehow stepped on the charger wire while it was charging my hp n the charger thing on the hp came out..im fucking shit sad..cuz im seriously starting to think im a JINX..n i swear i AM one...aiyah..its a fucking 628 bucks fone ok..n i haf NO fcking money to go replace it..n speaking abt money..i haf NO money i swear..not at all..to get priya's present..to get chris's present..to get clare's present..n to get zana's present...i duno how..i duno wad im gona do either..im juz screwed..yea back to the hp..well i can still do EVERYTHING wid the fone but juz cant charge it..so im trying to conserve the batt energy by NOT using it n juz switching it off..hais..am freaking sad la..haha..it juz had to happen to me right??wid evrything im going thru..


i //young of the butterfly// you 9:08 PM
Friday, May 20, 2005

EDIT at 1.10 am

ok right now im feeling so fucking fucking fucking pissed..i kno for a fact its cuz of my period..evrytime i get im juz in sucha crappy mood..n of all times he chose to add her to the convo..thanks a lot..im in no mood to fucking tok to her whatsoever..i dun even fucking kno her..fuck..im pissed..seriously pissed..n she was so fucking rude..bitch..it took evry bit of niceness i had in me to be a bit nice to her..fuck u..ok fuck u..i need to vent my frustration on smth but i duno wad..n no one wants to tok abt it..so im gona ramble here..yes im a bitch a loser..evrything ok..i think im dying cuz ive been having my period evry wk..im fucking worried here..cuz i haf this terrible feeling smth bad has happened..im worried..fcking worried..n guess wad??nobody gives a damn..even my mum doesnt care..lemme die..better still..more money to spend on my bros..whatever ok..i feel lyk shit..im not gona teach tuition anymore..ive been given the sack yes..n im worried abt how im gona pay my mum back..n wad dya guys say??..no need la..she will forget..fuck..u kno i haf a fucking conscience??..i do..being the fucking bitch,asshole,loser i am i haf a goddamn fucking conscience ok...i wana pay her back..but i cant..im fucking worried abt so many things...i cant tok to anybody now..its PAST mindnight..gona be PAST one am..actually it is..n wad am i doing??..feeling pissed for NO reason..i swear thrs no goddamn reason to be pissed..i juz am..im pissed wid him wid sch wid me getting the sack...ughs..evrything..evrything is bringin me down..i wana sit here n cry..im sick of being alone..i hate ervrything..i feel lyk running away..been a long time since i said tt..


+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +


today had sports carnival shit..was fine la..cuz i was wid fran,michelle n jy most of the time..din feel bonded wid the class or anything..n i was itching to play fcking netball k..u kno i wasnt informed abt tis whole shit..i mean i din even kno we were getting a class shirt n tt thr was a design..nothing la..n i din even kno the sports we were taking part in..n they din even ask me to play..i juz so badly wanted to play..u haf no idea..smehow netball juz connects me to IJ n tt was y i so badly wanted to play ok..but nobody asked..i almost cried la..hais..it sux..u kno i think the class is better cuz i can be more myself around them..but im juz still keeping the barrier between us cuz i smehow DUN wana let myself get involved them..i kno its my prob alrdy la now..its either i juz mix wid them n feel happier or dun n feel worse..i really duno..they still leave ppl out yes..during recess the class is damn separated..ttz y i HATE going for brks..n wen i dun go i feel bad for leaving mich n jy alone..i only look forward to certain brks only cuz jo's class or nives's class is thr..but then again they sit together as a class n i feel lyk a fucking intruder la..it sux u kno..i mean now i tok more in class n all..i feel happier n stuff..lyk i look forward to going to class n sitting wid laureen n cephas but wen it comes to brk.................[go infer urself frm the punctuation]...dot dot dot..hais..im sucha pathetic asshole..but u kno wad??..i cant blame the class or anybody else for it..cuz actually its only my fault..right??..hais..im sucha shit..

saw karthini tis morn..was quite happy..haha..she met sara n fran..hope to see her again soon..mr muthu's mug is done..went to get it today..looks nice..our hansome baby..haha..i hope he doesnt mind us nxt fri..need to remind ash to get the cake..met priya also today..n met jay..felt sooooo good..cuz i cld be MYSELF..tho priya wasnt in a really gd mood..but still felt happy to see her..n jay..omg..haha..we did so much of rubbish today..OUR CHOCO-CRAPUCINO..haha..u dun wana kno wad shit we did..but i miss u jay..hais..its fucking sad cuz she is being terrorised by sharon martha lesbian charles..n jay is scared la..haha..warned jay abt her..haha..gosh leave my alone la..ass...sun am prolly gona stayover in sme hotel wid jay cuz of her sis wedding reception..wow..my mum actually allowed it..haha..cuz its jay....haha..but yea i will be going..juz tt i duno wad to wear for the reception..

told my mum abt my period..its lyk the only thing ive confided in her..she's gona bring me to doctor..duno wen la..aiyoh..feel so troubled n disturbed..i think ttz the main reason y ive been feeling so weak..n craving for weird things n eating so much..aiyah wen i tol her also she din really seem lyk she bothered..duno la..heck her anyway..today went to get card wid her n u kno after making it she juz left herself..n left me to go hm myself..lyk hello???..we stay in the same fucking hse la..i was so hurt..juz took a bus back myself..ughs..i was damn hurt la.ARGHS..was so hurt..y does she do this to me??..confided in mich abt my family also..mich is a great person..ttz wad i think..she is really nice n she can make anybody feel better..

the wound is getting bad..i seem to have problems bending my knee n smetimes even walking cuz i gotta limp...sux man..MEL HAF YA SEEN MY WOUND??..

tmw gona study econs wid jay n then go out wid edrea..needing to get priya's bday present..n we r prolly gona go down on wed to collect our cert n then celebrate for priya also la..get a cake or smth..hope she wil be in a gd mood..n i need to beg my mum so tt she'll allow me to stayover on sat..


i //young of the butterfly// you 9:58 PM
Wednesday, May 18, 2005

the skin i was toking abt isnt this one..it was the prev one i had which was black n purple..i think i will go wid white for the time being..im PMS-ing agian confirm..feeling depressed n angry frm time to time..the wound is getting WORST..i swear its gona become infected n then i hafta go amputate my leg..OMG!!!...HOW HOW HOW??..n i only wana watch star wars cuz of anakin..cephas went for the preview thingie today..he laureen n duno who else la..dun wana bother oso..bleahs..went for tuition today..OMG the fricking highlight of the day was WEN I SAW JEFFREYYYYYYY n then went FOR TUITION..omg..i swear i was so happy..n mr muthu was so nice..i hope he isnt angry wid me for not giving him back his foto yet..i MISS tuition..hais sadia tol fran tt she cried over the phone..i swear i suck ok..i mean i cldnt even tell whether she was crying or not..arghs..i hate this la..she called today i din pick up..hais..thr r so many things on my mind..
-coping wid lit
-coping wid ECONS
-coping wid maths
-coping wid FUCKING GP
-coping wid FUCKING tamil
-planning mr muthu's bday
-planning priya's bday
-worrying abt my mid yrs
-worrying abt promos
-hating CJ in general
-feeling awkward wid so many ppl

MELO:can u lyk fricking NOT go to fricking poly..fucking hell..i sooo dun want u to go..we're not gona haf time for each othr anymore la..i wana CRY..im gona misssss u so bad..in fact i alrdy do..u piece of shit..arghssssss.....i misssss uuuuuuuuuuuuuuu...

YIPIN:i swear i duno wen we r gona meet but it better be soon..ur gona go in lyk less than 30days i think..im gona cry lyk hell wen u go..shucks man..we hafta meet up soon k..im gona miss u lyk crazy i swear..hais..

i fucking miss monan so much la..cldnt catch him online at all...hais..im fucking sad..


i //young of the butterfly// you 9:18 PM
Tuesday, May 17, 2005

the more i look at the skin the mor ei get irritated..i duno y..cuz i was TRYING to find for a damned pink skin but fucking cldnt find one..i want frontpage so i can do my OWN skin..bloody shit..i dun lyk this skin..it occupies only lyk half the pg..n i put it here cuz it was the nicest i cld find ok??...

anyways ponned sch today..i fucking broke down last night cuz of stress..blooody CJC..fuck u..n fuck evrything..


i //young of the butterfly// you 7:36 PM
Monday, May 16, 2005

ok lemme start from last wk..

FRIDAY
was a gd day cuz i met mel n jooooooo..hehe..but jo came only for a short while n she had to rush hme..we must meet a few times b4 mel's sch starts k..hais..so sad..then me n mel went to wtach KOH..ok fine..im a stupid girl k i din really understand the movie n i din even kno it was orlando bloom until lyk 10 or 15 mins into the movie..then i asked mel 'is this orlando bloom?'..i swear if the theatre was lit the look on mel's face wld be one of horror..i think she was horrified by my ques..juz tt i cldnt see it..hehe..sorry mel..yeas..he is fucking hot k..n he's ALL mine...haha..the last battle scene rocked..n then after tt took neos wid mel..must show jo..then lata met vasan n had dinner wid her..went hme pretty late too..

SATURDAY
saturday was quite fun..we went to east coast for ics meeting..i had fun la..was ok not so bad..i still feel a bit uncomfy ard our J1 guys..heard tt thr r only 8 J1 indian guys in CJ..i dun think my 2yrs in Cj is gona be gd la..smehow i haf a bad feeling..haha..nvm nvm..i happen to not haf a proper CCA..im lyk ONLY in ics whereas evrybody else has 2 CCAs..nvm..yeas sat..i fell down during dog n bone..nvm..it always happen wen i play DnB..damn painful tho the wound..scraped my knee on sand..sux man..got pus..DISGUSTING..hehe..after tt played captain's ball wid them..n MORE ppl know abt russell peters..haha..sorry find it damn amusing...after tt followed sadia hme..then met chris su naren ish n his bro..haha was fun la..im really amused by the stuff tt they do n say..haha..they r fun ppl la..crappy too..went hme wid su n naren..reached hmw late..n missed pradhana vizha..

SUNDAY
brought jay out for her bday to pastamania..haha..i had my lasagne..BEEF..OMG..haha..was damn gd la..n then got jay a cake too...was trying to make it not so obvious..haha..but yeas we had fun..then after tt followed chris to orchard for her job application..gona disturb her once she starts working..yeas ttz pretty much for sunday..pics down thr..i duno how to link it up properly..pinks jo can u guys help me pls??

http://share.shutterfly.com/action/share/view?i=EeAuWjVq3bOHBQ&open=1&x=1&sm=1&sl=0

MONDAY
i think its the shittiest day ever..hais..got so much i wana say but am not gona say it..smehow i feel sorry for sadia..i duno..maybe i sympathise too much??..she n sara probs between them now..was fucking scared of him juz now..duno wad to say la..i think both were unreasonable..both..duno la..got lit n maths n econs to complete..duno how im gona manage..prolly gona mug thru the night..toked to jolene finally..am a happy girl..hope i get my letter soon..toked to monan also juz now..OMG n i saw joshua too..in the train..haha..was damn funny..cuz he saw me then smsed me..then he used the SECRET CODE to tell me whr he was..luckily monan taught me the code the prev time he was here..haha..or not i wld haf seemed lyk sucha stupid idiot..HAHA..but yeas toked to joshua a bit la..anyways got mr muthu's mug done n i need to go collect it on fri..bose juz confused me terribly..i duno wad he's toking abt..i swear..im confused..dun feel lyk going sch tmw..im gona stay up will 3 or 4 to complete my hw..


i //young of the butterfly// you 8:15 PM
Sunday, May 15, 2005

fucking hell..i swear i forgot abt old sng'sbloody hmewrk ok..i totally forgot evrything n was enjoying myself on sat n sun..TOTALLY..sat ICS outing then went to meet chris n frens..then on sun celebrated Jay's bday..fuck fuck fuck..THANK god cephas reminded me..I HOPE N PRAY old sng bitch doesnt come tmw..ARGHS..im damn fucking worried right now..


i //young of the butterfly// you 8:46 PM
Thursday, May 12, 2005

Never seek to tell thy love,
Love that never told can be;
For the gentle wind does move
Silently, invisibly.

I told my love, I told my love,
I told her all my heart;
Trembling, cold, in ghastly fears,
Ah! she doth depart.

Soon as she was gone from me,
A traveller came by,
Silently, invisibly:
He took her with a sigh.

\\ william blake \\ never.seek.to.tell.thy.love

beautiful..i like it..class was really funny today..talked to evrybody..evryone was nice today..n things r happening..hais..well nvm..i shall not let it affect me anymore..U KNO WAD????..i met JAY today..was so fricking happy..went starbucks..haha..OUR FAV PLACEEEEEE!!!..had our caramel n coffee eclair which made us SICK..soooo sa-weet..haha..anyways yeas n i bought stationery...SO EXCITING!!!..hee hee..im happy..n tmw im gona meet MEL n VASAN!!!..MY GAWDDDD..how gd can life get???...ARGH..hehes..im happy..much happy..n JAY'S bday coming..im feeling oh so happy now..bye for now..


i //young of the butterfly// you 7:25 PM
Wednesday, May 11, 2005

im still wondering IF i was in CJ for first three mths wld i still be posted to t09??..i duno..im feeling lyk shit once again..i dun wana complain to anybody cuz i dun wany anybody to juz blow up at me saying 'IM SICK OF U N OF U COMPLAINING ABT UR CLASS.STICK WID IT BITCH!'..ttz scary..i swear i HATE n DETEST myself for not being able to bond wid the class or at least tok to them..i think ive been giving them plain shit attitude..my mum keeps avoiding the subject of aussie..u kno wad??i dun wana go to aussie i wana go to UK..n u kno wad my mum will say..tt she has to sell the hse n live on the streets then..it makes me feel guilty..fuck me i swear..kno wad??..im juz vry screwed up..i cant adapt..to changes,new surroundings..to evrything k..to evrything..I DUNO HOW TO FEEL HAPPY ANYMORE..N IF I DO FEEL HAPPY I FUCKING CANT SHOW IT..i cant tok to anybody anymore..haha as usual i tok shit..i dun make sense anymore..my teacher makes me feel stupid..not tt i need to feel anyway i AM..y am i being SUCH AN IDIOT??y y y y y y y y y??my mum refuses to tok to me nicely..my dad doesnt tok to me..my bros dun give two shits abt me..OIIII...who am i suposed to tok to at hme???..i NEED smebody to tok to..i think my family hates me..i dun think they'd notice even if i die...so mayb i shld die..


i //young of the butterfly// you 10:34 PM


The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.
In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?


i //young of the butterfly// you 10:06 PM
Tuesday, May 10, 2005

FUCK STRESSED.. i swear he is sucha dickhead..i swear..UGHS..not lyk we wanted him in our grp anyway..ARGHS..

i juz cant wait for fri..at least i will be wid sane ppl..


i //young of the butterfly// you 9:12 PM
Monday, May 09, 2005

edrea : i really duno dearie..im vry vry confused..im so sorry..really cant give u a definite ans till mayb jul or after tt??

sch today..the only thing tt pulled me thru was the fact tt thr was ICS after sch..sara attended ICS again..but this time i was way too tired to crap wid him..hais but again he crapped a lot..hais..if he stops coming i will be left alone..hais..went for tuition after sch to see baby muthu..arghs..was so freaking happy..he was happy to see us im sure..haha..bugged him for a while..n then me n sadia kept teasing each othr..haha..n we tol him abt the skirt issue n my econs tests n maths test..haha..i also need to tok to him abt loads of stuff..hais..anyways hope he appreciates the surprise we're gona give him..:) :)..haha..i felt so happy wen i saw him..went to teach rasheed after tt..blew ten bucks on the cab..hais..was feeling so tired..almost slept..but thank God the coffee got me going..im still awake now..

im feeling so disturbed abt the whole leaving thing..i was so fricking scared wen ani auntie asked for my results n cert..but i had to give it to her..i wonder wads happening now..i half wana leave half dun wana leave..fran gave a totally out of the world reaction cuz she teared..duno y...im not even leaving man..n shucks i haven tol priya..arghs..duno la..im messed up rite now..

wana kill lene..she hasnt replied any of my smses..i wonder wen she is gona be done wid my letta cuz once again i got so fricking much to tell her..lene i hope u read this..can u PLS sen me my letta..

im not a strong person..im a coward..a real coward..n im really weak..i cant handle stuff lyk tis..i so cant..im not strong enuff ok?..today almost the whole back row din tok to me..or mayb i din give them a chance to?..i duno..u kno i juz felt lyk crap wen fran tol me she gets bad vibes frm my class..i dun blame her..but i duno..i was kinda affected by it..i saw the looks on my classmates faces wen i juz grabbed my bag n went to t08 w/o even lyk greeting them..i duno..i think they were pissed??..i duno la..i duno..right now i think the class is pure shit again..pure fucking shit ok..smetimes wen im wid my frens i juz feel lyk crying but smehow the situation doesnt permit it..not at all..i juz cant..

i really wana cry..cry till i can cry no more..my eyes are red swollen puffy n itchy..i wana cry lyk tt every single day..everybody says i look lyk crap..wid my sunken eyes n terrible eyebags/dark rings..evryone says its so obvious smth's bothering me..n zana warned me tt im showing signs of slipping into depression again..i hate this..i absolutely hate this..im not getting enuff slp..im so worried abt my studies..i HAFTA do well for my mid yrs n promos..n this time its not on my own accord..its cuz it will help in my application for aussie uni..he is also on my mind..studies..frens..family..class..so many things..i cant concentrate..cant focus..cant discipline myself..i failed my three econs test..feeling so low right now..morale desperately needs a boost..

him..received his sms on sat night..teared wen i saw the msg..smehow i cldnt bring myself to reply the sms..not at all..dun ask y cuz i myself duno..im feeling lyk shit n i wish he was here..i want him back..i lyk feeling secure..i juz lyk knowing tt i will be receiving a silly call frm him to brighten up my day..lyk knowing tt he will listen wen i want him to..i kno its all repeated but i cant help it..i juz feel this way..i miss him so much..

this mth got lyk 3 bdays..money's really gona go down the drain..duno wad to get for jay n priya..duno wad to do for jay..duno wads the plan for priya..mr muthu's one...things r a bit messy at the moment..hais..im equally messed up..then nxt mth got clare,zana n chris bday...n somemore two of them turning 18..gotta be special..hais..im so broke..im so so so terribly broke..

wana watch star wars..cephas has tix for gala premiere..SOOOOOOOO cool..haha..he n laureen going i think..i wana go but dun wana be an extra..hehe..but its on wed..haha..after sch sadia sara n me were eating..n i duno how me n sara took out our water bottles n started pretending we were in star wars..hehe..him the green light saber..n mine the nike light saber..eh..isit even called a light saber??..or isit laser??..MEL JO??????....i forgot..haha..but i remember PRAVANAKIN clearly..haha..tol cephas too..haha..STAR WARS!!!....omg..sorry..im high now..haha..actually today was fun cuz i was wid jo n pinks in the morn..n i got van's pink strip..i LOVE pink*..hehe..n then after sch was crapping wid sara n sadia..after tt ICS again crapping wid him n sadia..then after tt went hme wid them n fran..then saw MR MUTHU..hehe..ok..im not high anymore..


i //young of the butterfly// you 11:26 PM


TAG REPLIES

jo : jo lau its not meant to be cute..haha..crazy woman..

mel : haha..i will be stocking up on cornflakes..dun worry..n i miss u too..dun worry..we rmeeting for KOH..haha..

yipin : i duno wad happen to u..i wish i cld make u feel better girl..but u relax k..n u must tell me wads wrong soon ok??..love u girl..

chew : ARGHS!!omg omg omg..u read my blog?..haha i miss u so much..i cant access ur blog u kno..i duno y..girl..how haf u been?..i miss u so much..i'll take care..u tc too k..i will try to meet u kaes..love u girl..


i //young of the butterfly// you 12:15 AM
Saturday, May 07, 2005

i hope pinks n jo are reading this..im thankful for u both in CJ..i may not show it..i may not say it..but i really am..i duno wad i wld do if u guys werent thr at all..im also thankful our classes are really near each othr cuz its really convenient for me to meet up wid u guys..n evrytime i walk past ur class or u walk past my class, seeing u guys juz never fails to put a smile on my face..never..it really makes me happy..i swear to u guys ok..n evry morn wen i go to ur class or go for morn walks wid u guys it really makes my day..evrytime i see u both my heart juz does this silly dance cuz i kno u guys r thr..r always thr..i dun need u guys to be beside me all the time cuz i kno tt the times i need u guys the most u guys r thr..thank u for making my life at CJ a bit more bearable..thank u so much..i really appreciate it..the advice u guys haf give me..the comforting words u've shared wid me..thank u so much k..u haf no idea how grateful i am tt u guys r in CJ wid me..thank u two so much..


im in a VERY bad mood..n if u dun wana read an entry wid a whole load of fucks/othr swear words/cursing..i suggest u move on to anothr blog..ok??..MOVE it!!

on fri we went to OCS...it was seriously the second worst outing in the yr..first was sentosa..second was this..the class is seriously so fucking clique-ish n exclusive..i fucking hate them..fuck all of u fucking bastards n bitches..i hope u guys fucking die a slow death n fucking rot in fucking hell..u piss me off so much..n wad made things worse??we were paired up wid t20..a class whr none of my frens r..how does CJ fucking pair the classes up??r they tt free to go fucking draw lots or smth??fuck fuck fuck.im still boiling wid anger..u haf NO idea..NO goddamn fucking idea..yea n he was so lucky cuz he had his frens..UGHS..i was so angry yest..ARGHS..after tt wanted to meet chris..she din tell me tt shit was coming along..but i juz kept quiet most of the time..after tt went hme n had the best slp for the whole wk..11hrs..

today..woke up late..did hsewrk..did a bit of econs n then went for tuition..am hungry..i din eat my dinner..n im feeling so irritated right now..im craving for ice cream,caramel frap,pringles,briyani,pandan cake,chicken,milkshake...ughs..im feeling so shitty rite now..i dun even kno why..

mum sent all my particulars to ani auntie..i think she wants to send me to aussie at the end of the yr..i really duno how serious she is abt doing it..but she sent all my particulars n results n stuff over..auntie is taking care of admin stuff..arghs i duno..i wana leave cuz i hate my CJ class..but i dun wana leave cuz all my frens r here..i duno..

still got econs n GP project to do..FUCK projects..fuck PW also..im hating my grp except for one person..i so dun wana go orchard lib tmw..cuz i dun even kno how to get thr..

suse auntie sent me an email titled 'food medicine'..n it seems if u eat cornflakes u can 'cure' PMS..im gona try it..cuz i PMS EVERY SINGLE DAY ok??..so im gona buy cornflakes n eat it for brkfast evryday..n see how..mayb it will make me go sch in a happier mood n a happier face..


i //young of the butterfly// you 10:12 PM
Wednesday, May 04, 2005

REPLIES TO TAGS

CHRIS : HAHA IRRITATE ME AS MUCH AS U WANT..I NEED IT TO KEEP ME SANE..N TRUST ME U CANT IRRITATE ME THE WAY HE DOES..HAHA..N U HAFTA HAF THE TOLERANCE N PATIENCE CUZ I WILL SCOLD U LYK SHIT BEFORE I END UP LAUGHING..HAHA I THINK IVE ABUSED U SO MUCH TT UR PROLLY IMMUNE TO IT..

MEL : FLOOD MY BOARD AS MUCH AS U WANT..IN FACT MORE WILL BE BETTER BETTER BETTER..HAHA..YEAS WE CAN GO WATCH..JUZ INFORM ME LA..SO I WILL KNO..TOOK PANADOL FOR MY HEADACHE ALRDY..NOT TO WORRY..AS FOR IN THR THE ONLY MEDICINE I NEED IS TIME..

YIPIN : SAT I WILL SEE HOW K..WILL SMS U ON TT DAY ITSELF..CUZ I HAFTA GO FOR TUITION IN THE MORN OR EVENING..I DUNO..N ALSO I PROLLY HAFTA COMPLETE MY ECONS PROJECT..SO WILL SMS U ON FRI IF POSSIBLE K..

evrybody's running for council..i was soo sad k the min i entered sch n evrybody was putting up posters n hanging stuff..arghs..i felt so sad..then after tt i went to class evryone was lyk 'u not running ah?'..whoa i felt lyk shit can...then bose comes into class 'praveena whrs ur posters n banners?i was finding for them la..walking ard sch..whr u put them?i wana see'...whoa bose i WISH i cld tell u i put it up smewhr but fucking hell im not even running..bleahs..then i tol him n he was lyk 'shit i got extra votes now'...ARGHS..i swear ive felt lyk shit the whole day la..mich was really nice today..she is nice evryday la..during PW i felt so angry i duno y..i juz duno ok..i feel really xtra in the grp..but thank god jy is thr..i mean imagine if i was stuck wid anothr of their clique members..sux man..n tim is suddenly becoming so nice to the girls..its scary u kno..really..i cant help but feel scared of him..cuz im so scared he'll do smth to me..arghs..but i must be nice to evrybody..

came to sch wid sadia oso today..she called me juz now n tol me stuff..feel really sad for her..hais..duno la..its not childish of her definitely..not at all..but i pity her la..wish i cld help her..i offered to help a bit but she say dun want..nvm..will support her as much as i can..

i need sports bras..desperately..

EDITS

tried doing maths..cldnt do a thing at all..trigo is driving me crazy..i will juz die if i dun get a fucking A for mid yrs at least..n econs mans..today i think she was pissed wid the class..no one wants to pay attn la..fucking selfish k..bloody shits..n lit..arghs..BNW we only had ONE fricking tutorial..n williamblake..i swear mdm damo pisses me off to the max..she comes to class wid a fucking stone expression..i HATE her..y din miss chok teach us??..fuck it la..im really vry vyr angry..n its all cuz i cant do one trigo ques..it juz brings me down k..


i //young of the butterfly// you 6:06 PM
Tuesday, May 03, 2005

MELODAYE 12th MAY IS FINE WID MAYE..ASK JO TO COME TOO..THEN WAYE CAN GO TOGETHER N MAKE ALOT OF NOISE LYK TROYYYYYYYY..ACTUALLAYE IT WAS JUZ MAYE MAKING NOISE DURING THE MOVAYE..THINK TWICE ABT GOING WID MAYE K??LUBX U..I WANA TOK TO U AGAIN..I MISS U..SOBX..IM SUCH A LOSER..REPLY ON UR BLOG KAYE..WILL VISIT IT SINCE FUCKING[MAJOR MAJOR CAPS] TAGBAORD REFUSES TO CO-OPERATE WID ME..SCREW U TAGBOARD WE GOT BLOGS..HAHA..STUPID SHIT..

RANDOM THOUGHTS

-tagboard's fucked up n pissing me off...stupid shit
-failed as a GP rep..disappointd in myself..juz wasnt bothered to do the essay outline..n the whol class takes me as a role model in GP cuz im the rep..im supposed to haf done ALL my GP work..im sorry miss chok..hais..it sux..
-fricking looks nicer spelt this way than freaking..
-russell peters ROXORSMYSOXORS..anybody else kno who is??
-ran 2.4 in 14.37..duno whether to be happy or sad?..was expecting better..din push myself..
-jo's amused by morning walks..i love it cuz it gives me a chance to catch up wid my babes
-SARA n PRIYA actually KNO who russell peters is..
-met edrea this morn..was so so so so SUPER DUPER happy..hehe..

okies..now sch wasnt sucha bitch today except tt in the morn ian freaked me out by not smiling at me at all..so kinda thot he was angry..but lata i found out he wasnt..cephas said in a vry sincere manner 'u shld haf come for the bbq'..vry vry sincere..tim was being fucking disgusting..melvyn reminds me of monan..haha..monan n his sick ways..but dun worry i will NEVER fall for melvyn..talked wid michelle quite a bit today..she the only othr sane person in the class..my class gets along better wid HER frens..fuck u..PE was ok..except for the guys..i think thr was a mess for bose's rounds..hope its ok..cuz now he is only getting a silver n he needs a gold..ok ttz not ok..melvyn's being nice..i mean he is perverted but at least i kno he is making the effort to 'include' me so to speak..tmw got PW..am i happy?..i duno...feel so miserable for GP..gona be getting private tuition frm miss chia for maths..cant stand mr chai's teaching..fuck him la..asshole..prolly gona take an hr to complete hlf a ques..either tt..or do one ques in 10secs..UGHS..so irritating..drowning in the amt of econs hw..am really really tired..body aches..mind is constantly occupied wid incline pull ups n SBJ..mite juz cry if i dun get it..
ive been thinking abt the class recently..maybe i shld give them a chance cuz i can see a few of them are making the effort to include me n stuff la..i can see tt..but on my part i think im not allowing it..as in i refuse their 'help'..u get it..i duno..i can see melvyn ian audrey n william making quite a bit of effort to lyk make me feel more in..but im not sure..i mite juz be interpreting it wrongly..mel's lyk toking to me more..will also..ian keeps lyk making funny gestures cuz im EASILY amused..audrey asks me to join them for lunch/dinner/movies whatever..i duno..i really duno..smehow deep down inside i fele guilty cuz i kno thr r ppl who arent invited n i dun want them to feel hurt wen they find out abt it la..today mich accidentally went to tell pearl abt the bbq..pearl immediately lyk knew tt she was one of those who wasnt invited..it was bad la..cuz i oso felt vyr rotten cuz jy also wasnt invited..i duno whether she was hurt by it but i think pearl mite haf been..i may lyk go out wid the rest for lunch n movies n stuff but u kno thrs juz this tiny voice in my head going 'prav thr othrs who r still left out'..n i feel its my duty to speak up for them la..no matter how bitchy/irritating the 'leftovers' may be...we are stuck wid them for 2yrs..n it is our duty to juz bond as a class n overlook all this negative attitudes cuz each of us posses them..am i making sense??i juz feel tt i need to speak up for the 'leftovers' k..i dun exactly lyk a few of them too..got my reasons...but i dun show it alrdy la..wid vanessa i really toned down..really..i really duno wen i will be able to go out for a class outing happily n not lyk complain or be angry wid them for not inviting the othrs..make the effort ppl..dun say u wana CONFRONT them..thrs nothing to confront juz overlook it n make the effort..ttz wad im doing..n it took me sme time to do it u kno..really..but i am making the effort..i hope God brings me thru this..

she seemed abit pissed today..shld shut my mouth n not tok so much..but i cant help it...hehe..me n my big mouth..maybe i shld control..

sch was bearable today..only cuz i saw jo n pinks many times..hehe..n met edrea in the morn..n went for morn walks wid fran..n saw CLARE...omg..haha..clare's gona be my eye candy frm today onwards..hehe..amstill bugged by the fact tt he aint here..but i tried not to think abt it..tried my best to get it out of my mind..succeeded a bit..but by the end of the day my mind was on him alrdy..esp during 2.4 run..hais..

ciaos for now..gotta complete my fucking econs..i swear im having a damned fucking migrane now..my heads feels lyk its gona burst n wen it try to massage it its lyk i got blue blacks all over so its damn painful to press..my head feels lyk its tightening..OMG..brain tumour..shit..its fucking pain..


i //young of the butterfly// you 10:03 PM
Monday, May 02, 2005

he is gone..gone..called before leaving..came home n cried lyk shit..was fucking hurt..i din even get to meet him..i really duno how to get over this..i dun..the convo we had last night..was too much for me to handle..i cant..as i said im not as strong on the inside as i look on the outside..i kno i tried ur best to help me but really its juz not ez..im so confused n hurt n messed up even if u gimme ur advice i dun think id follow it..n now tt ur gone who's gona make me feel better again?who's gona gimme silly calls at 1am in the morn asking me wad im doing n then say u dun wana disturb n put down?who's gona force me to come over?who's gona sen me silly smses tt always make me happy?who's gona make me smile?who's gona make me happy??who who who??y did u hafta leave??y?u juz duno the emtions u evoke in me..u dun..im smehow incomplete w/o u..im really a mess..

sch tmw..not looking forward to it at all..duno y suddenly the queasy feeling is back..the hatred is back..evrything is back..sch's gona be a bitch now tt ur not here anymore..i wun be looking forward to anything after sch..cuz thr wun be anything to look forward to..nothing..it hurts..it hurts me to realise tt i wun haf anyone to help me get thru the day..

watched sukran juz now..nice movie once again..keyboard's being screwy..pinks is running for council..so is almost evrybody i kno..shucks..i feel lyk total crap right now..i may haf stood a chance right??..ughs..dun wana think abt it anymore..

things wid her aint going smooth..cuz im fucking pissed wid her..y isit tt im always the one who gives in in our frenship??y me?fuck it..evrything she says i gotta do or i gotta listen..fuck u..fuck seriously..i dun wish to listen to u or give in to u anymore..i dun give a damn whether it cuz of ur family or cuz of ur wadever FUCK ok?..fuck u..seriously..im so angry wid u tt i dun regret my bitchy behaviour towards u these 2 days..not at all..not at all..i think u deserve worst..u expect me to give u evrything but i get nothing in return??is tt wad it is??..well im not prepared to give u evrything n not get anything in return cuz im SICK of tt feeling..totally sick of it..im a vry angry,hateful,spiteful,jealous person..of course if im giving u evrything i expect u to give me at least a bit in return..but no u fucking dun even do tt..i hafta do evrything for u..ok..im sick of it..u always MAKE me do it..lyk u hiding the keys wen i wana leave..dya kno how much of shit ive gone thru juz cuz i came hme late cuz of u?..n u forcing me to follow u wherever u wana go..dya kno i always sacrifice othr meetings for u??but u kno wad??wen i ask u to follow me smewhr u say no..straight into my fucking face..this frenship is tiring me really..i cant take it anymore..i cant..n tt day wen u called me up n tol me 'ur following me for the show tonight k.im paying for ur tix..meet me blah blah blah'..fucking hell i swear i wld haf blasted ur fucking head off..thank ur lucky stars my mum was thr so i shut up..n today u wanted me to follow u watch tt movie n pay for it myself..hello???????...fuck u again..firstly ive alrdy watched tt movie..secondly i need to save up cuz i got two impt birthdays this mth..i dun need to listen to whatever u hafta say ok??..heard me..stop pissing me off.FUCKING SHIT..

im in a vry pms-ey,angry mood..cuz he aint here anymore..ok..so think twice before fucking ard wid me..im not happy..im juz sad,angry n hurt..n if ur here to irritate me i suggest u piss off..ARGHSSSSSSSSSS..i fucking need to scream..i need to cry..i need to write..im drowning in tt humongous pile of hw..im dying seriously dying..n the things im going thru..im so so so so so unprepared/lost/confused..i duno wad to do..God i really really need ur guidance..i really do..


i //young of the butterfly// you 9:26 PM


lyk wad priya said u can never juz stop liking a person..on my part i never did..i haf always liked him..always..never once has my feelings for him faltered..each time they juz grew stronger n stronger..it has never lessened..never..no matter wad i may say i haf always liked him..he has never done ANYTHING to go against me..nothing..he always supported me,stood by my side,did evrything for me..everything i cld possibly ask for..except one thing..to like me back in return..i still hold my grounds tt isnt the worst feeling cuz i kno i will find smeone else..but for now i really truly do like u..i half wish ud find out n half wish u wun..im confused..u really put me in a spot..i juz duno wad to do..i juz wish u wld gimme a chance to right things for u..juz one chance..n now ur gone..juz gone lyk tt..w/o even wanting to meet me..y do u hurt me so?..u thank me for spending time wid u..but i feel lyk it isnt enuff..i need u here..always..not by my side..but here in spore..i wish u'd come back forever..so i wun feel so shitty..for tt period u were in spore evrything was GREAT..i din worry abt anything cuz waiting for ur phonecalls made me happy,knowing tt im gona meet u soon made me happy,knowing tt u will definitely do smth to cheer me up made me happy..but boy how am i to fall in love wid u if ur not thr to catch me?[quoted frm smeone's blog]..im a mess..a fucking mess..

class having bbq tmw..am not gona go..going out wid yipin n nives n hopefully mel..join us for dinner babe..feeling ever so close to my IJ frens rite now..

edrea:i am alrdy going for the IJ thing..my fren bought tix for me..go k..JO MEL CLARE LETS GO TOO..will ask lene..

watched chandramukhi on sat..it was a FUCKING good movie..fucking gd i swear..am gona gte the vcd..after promos gona watch it repeatedly lyk for lyk a wk..it was sucha gd storyline i think..n even if the storyline wasnt gd the acting really made the movie a BIG hit..jyothika's acting=PERFECT..she was PERFECT for the role..cuz she lks retarded..haha..but her acting was gd..n rajini reminds me of my granduncle..teared upon realising it..bleahs stupid of me..but yea liked tt movie..they played main hoon na on sat..I LOVE TT MOVIE too..sadly jo cldnt watch it..mel did watch bits of it..haha will get the vcd k..n we never got ard to having our movie marathon..sad sad..


i //young of the butterfly// you 1:32 AM