Tuesday, July 18, 2006
honestly dya think its my bloody fault tt i cant fcking slp at night..does anybody haf ANY idea how tired n exhausted my MIND n BODY are?...they're goddamn fcking tired..but evrytime i go to bed i CANT slp till lyk a few hrs lata..its no fcking joke ok..n im not joking abt it or wadsoever..i kno its bad..but i really cant help it..cuz i duno wad to do..or how to help myself..evrytime i try to slp i start to panic cuz i feel lyk i shld use tt time n study instead of slping..thrs lyk almost no time to study..im panicking big time..today in class im sorry i fell aslp during econs..but i swear i cldnt take it..my body was so bloody exhausted i dozed off..n my wonderful teacher wasnt at all happy wid me..i haf no rights to be pissed at her but i still am..i duno..to me she is NOONE to be commenting abt my slping patterns whatsoever...really i cant care less..but then again she is right..i need to start slping properly n treating my body well..but DO NOT ask me to slp more or slp early or BLAH BLAH BLAH!..cuz ive heard enuff of it..i FUCKING cant slp at night ok..i bloody cant..smeone asked me if it was the fear of slping...i cldnt ans tt ques..cuz i myself really duno the ans..if i fear slping then i shldnt be slping during the day or in classes..but i am..so maybe it aint fear..i juz duno wad it is...but DUN tok to me abt slping habits..really im alrdy feeling lyk shit nowadays..toking abt tt is only gona irritate,piss me off,hurt me further...
after all tis ranting ALL i feel lyk doing is juz crying so badly..to let evrything out..cuz im juz feeling too much again n feeling hurt for i duno wad..i really duno wad im feeling but i kno im finding for relief vry badly..
i //young of the butterfly// you 11:31 PM
Monday, July 17, 2006
drivings been getting funner n funner..haha..im quite enjoying myself..finally practised the circuit slope MANY times the prev lesson..which was really good..cuz now it means i wun haf probs wid my slopes no more...hopefully i dun stall engines no more..n i realise tt a tighter clutch pedal is MUCH easier to control..
n met michael at SSDC tt day..it was quite a pleasant surprise...n he is damn funny..haha..anyway toked a bit then had to leave alrdy..hope i'll be seeing more of him at SSDC..(:
schs been ok..juz tt this racial harmony day thing is kinda getting to me..i really dun lyk seeing ppl im close to getting hurt..n i dun lyk the fact tt its happening to denesh..n i mean if we as J2 dun wana help the J1s then how?..im gona give the J1s my full support cuz i got no heart to juz leave them lyk tt..n i kno its VERY diffcult esp since out of the whole cohort of the J1 indians only lyk 4 are really serious abt helping out..its quite annoying n disappointing u kno..i juz duno wad to do or say..but i hope denesh knows im behind her all the way.. (:
had another meaningful talk wid someone on the night of 16th jul..another LONG talk..i really treasure these talks...its juz vry precious smehow..n i really treasured it..well im looking forward to more.. (:
i //young of the butterfly// you 8:52 PM
Sunday, July 09, 2006
u see right now im left all alone..so wad do i hafta do?..defend myself all by myself..which i am doing..n actually succeeding a bit..so in this past wk ive grown SLIGHTLY more independent..not fully independent yet but i will be reaching after many more successful attempts..
i haf finally let go of one..am not bothered anymore..which is vry good cuz bothering wld haf exhausted me alot..n as it is im alrdy exhausted by a lot of other shit..
well on fri we had our first PE lesson wid Mr Isaac Lim...n i almost died..firstly im TERRIFIED of insects/spider/any tiny thing tt crawls/flies...secondly im also VERY scared of the dark..NEVER EVER think of leaving me in a room with no light/windows...n thirdly i start to get claustrophobic wen im scared n in an enclosed place...so imagine my feelings wen half walking/half crawling the bloody fucking drain in sch for PE..thr were so many cobwebs stuck in my hair..my thighs were cramping...i was so fucking freaked out...then after tt we had to do sme othr shit stuff lyk push ups[in a position such tt we were lying over the drain?]..climbing a slope ourselves..n i think ttz abt it..so yea..used words tt ive never used n DISLIKE using..bloody dog..right after tt i went to shower..n i almost went hysterical in the toilet..cuz i DIDNT DARE touch the fucking cobwebs in my hair..MARIANNE MY GF THANK U SO MUCH FOR COMING TO MY RESCUE..she went to class to get my comb..n i combed them fucking cobwewbs out of my hair..n i was crying frm the time i stepped into the toilet till the time i shampooed my hair..sorry i kno im a freak but ttz how scared i am of those shitty things..n i DID see a dead spider drop frm my hair...so yea..well im so sorry tt everybody had to bear wid me but really i thank everybody who helped me frm the bottom of my heart..n ESPECIALLY marianne..THANKS MARIANNE..
driving on sat went pretty smoothly..tho i screwed up my slope...but i managed to do it e second time round..e 3rd time i went to the wrong lane but nonetheless i did it..othr than tt i did evrything well..i even used the 4th gear without him telling me..i felt MUCH MORE confident driving this time around..i duno y..ok maybe i kno y..its partly cuz i committed tis lesson to God..n it is by God's grace n mercy tt i did much better than prev times n din feel so scared..i cld do my right turns PROPERLY..i cld use the proper gears for different turns..so im giving me a pat on my back..n my instructor's being real nice..he says he's gona try combine lessons for me so i can save money..God bless his heart.. (: n ive alrdy completed HALF of my driving course..which means tt ive got the other HALF to go..n im gona do it...so hoepfully by next feb i'll be getting my damned license..YAY..
things tt made me smile tis week-jolene's letter-zana-compliments frm wonderful ppl (:-toking to CHITRA (: (: (: (: (: (:
i //young of the butterfly// you 11:24 PM
Sunday, July 02, 2006
OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG...LIKE I FINALLY SPOKE TO
ASIAH ON MSN LIKE AFTER A GAZILLION YEARS!!!...its so enlightening..i mean ive missed her like SO much..LOADS N HEAPS...n then suddenly she was on today...n we talked SO MUCH...gosh i miss her lyk LOADS...its been too long..n she was asking if i rem our childhood together..unfortunately i dun except tt day wen we went to her hse n tt one day tt they came over..n she says she has photos of us wen we were really TINY...i want i want...i miss asiah..hais..its been really too long man..well we promised to sen pics to each othr n i hope we do keep tt promise..we will we will..haha..
anyways i kno its been super long since i blogged but i really haf no time..n i dun haf a com anymore..which is good cuz no com=no distraction..need to strt mugging for the bloody As..mid yrs alrdy was BAD enough..esp the maths paper..
anyway ive been having a lot of shit happen in my life..aint easy to cope wid but im trying..family relatives sch n evrything..hais..the process of growing up is juz so troublesome..
ive had enough of this shit of ppl telling me tt i haf no respect for othrs..lemme juz say smth here ok..if i meet the person n the person makes a good first impression i will ALWAYS respect tt person HIGHLY ok..n if u make a shitty first impression u can go piss off really...n i mean if ive known u for long n i realise tt ur actually truly quite a screwed up person who doesnt give me the respect I deserve y the hell shld i even give u back one ounce of tt respect?...tell me...really dun come n tell me tt i dun repsect u..its cuz i really dun think u deserve it..so juz leave me alone alright..i have enough shit to deal wid without u coming n adding on to it..
MARIANNE:hey dearie..well schs going back to normal nxt wk..shall be seeing more of u n toking to u more kaes..cant wait..love u part time gf.. (:
paternal grandma got discharged alrdy..i had no courage left after tt day to go visit her again in hospital..still haven seen her since then..im juz scared to..n anwyay my maternal grandma is giving so much of probs..im vyr sick of being dragged into things for no rhyme or reason..really upset...
my mum bought me a sari for the ROM..kinda upset wid it..dun ask y..vry upset wid it..i juz need to go sew my blouse now..soon..really gotta do it..n i haven seen the sari..but its pink..not a vry nice shade of pink tho..n i hope i'll look nice on tt day..
haven gone for driving for more than a month alrdy..im fcking screwed...cuz im juz fucking screwed..had to cancel one lesson today cuz of uncle's hsewarming...then nxt wk only the nxt lesson..im bloody dead la really...duno how things r gona go..n if im gona rem things..
FINALLY saw alex's baby..n i realised ive found the one person whom i think is REALLY beautiful inside-out..alex's wife,nary...well may God bless them richly...hope baby Eden grows up to be a pretty n great kid...she alrdy looks lyk her mum..n she is lyk so small n so cute...i din dare carry her tt day though...im bad wid babies..rather im scared of them..duno why..haha..but yea she is cute..suba n michael came oso..been a long time since i saw n spoke to suba..quite fun toking abt CJ n suba has tis really FUNNY way of putting things..she is hilarious...n michael n alex started teasing me again abt monan...hais..it'll never stop rite??..now i kno whr i got the shyness frm..
anyways yea..fri after sch went to NP to meet chris..was fun man..after tt went town..gosh the crap tt we did..rather THEY did..i was INNOCENT..anyways yea..it was fun though..really fun..felt so much enlightened after tt really...then stayed over in chris's hse n as usual stayed up toking A LOT...we talked abt EVERYTHING..haha..n i really think im not gona get married...n i wore sleeveless for the first time ever on fri..random i kno but yea..going NP again tmw..slack one last time before i start sch proper..
well this is my long entry..i shall not be updating for sme time i think..bye ppl.. (: ..anything msg me..
i //young of the butterfly// you 9:02 PM