Friday, December 30, 2005
OH MY LORD!...30th of DEC..funny..it feels lyk the yr is not gona end smehow...hais...
gona sit down n think abt the yr so far..dun wana spend new yrs alone...duno wad to do..still wondering if i shld go church...
dance....coming along fine...juz think tt im gona bring down the standard of the dance..udaya's juz perfect...she dances so beautifully...but not me...guess i really am a bamboostick dancing..juz hope i dun screw up wid 400 ppl watching me...frm left right centre n TOP....good Lord help me...
seriously i think the only thing tt makes me wana stay in CJ is doing this ICS stuff..i haf half a mind to fail my As...i hate CJ tt much...it was seriously the biggest mistake of my life..the only reason y im looking forward to sch is the whole dance n Ruthra show...i hate my life so much..gona be seeing dumbass mrs sng again...bitch...n my class is prolly gona be split...not looking forward to tt...dun wana do any hw or tutorials tho i haf to...will prolly sit down on mon night n try to finish it...
praveena has got no sense of self discipline or time management...she ought to shoot her fricking self...wth is she doing in a damn JC?...she herself has no idea...trust me she has no idea...she wishes tt she cld do 2005 all over again...prolly go back to the very first day...n change evrything frm then...
im so scared tt nxt yr will be lyk 2005 all screwed up...its gona be 2006 in one day time...n im not at all prepared or ready...fear and what nots step in...i will be 18 in a few days time...n then i will haf more responsibility...my parents grow older so do i...n evrything changes....evrything...
i //young of the butterfly// you 9:30 PM
Monday, December 26, 2005
christmassss is overrrrrr!!!...it was sucha boring christmas this yr..i think its cuz thr was no dinner in chris's hse...its the only thing i look forward to every yr...
anyways sat night went to chris's church...this yr felt much better smehow..din go last yr...but tis yr was quite different..took loads of pics..logita n suta followed me...liked the whole miming thing...n the CAROLS...before the service i was lyk asking radha auntie 'r we gona sing hark the herald??'...then she was lyk so sorry i din check..the min i stepped into the sanctuary n saw the number thr i cld haf leapt for joy...hahaha...then when pastor asked to stand to sing the song chris n radha aunty turned to look at me....haha..i juz love tt song...a bit hyper now...then went to suse auntie hse..stayed over...as usual all of us stayed up late toked crap...loved it...was surprised wid 2 calls in the night....
morn din go church......din really regret it tho....went hm cleaned up n then headed for jurong swimming complex....swam had more n more fun...im swimming after lyk i duno how many yrs...yea after tt headed hm...was supposed to go stay in suta's hse but thr was way too much to do at hm...so many cards to rite...n then presents to wrap...need to do it all by mon...today tt is...n besides my mum is taking a whole wk's leave..i need to spend more time wid her...nothing makes me happier than waking up to a hse wid at least a parent in it..
but yea christmas was kinda dead...i think cuz thr was no dinner..since sec one my christmas eve n christmas was always lyk this..christmas eve service in chris's church..then after tt carolling..then slping at 5 or 6 am...then waking up at 2..rushing hm...once at hm getting ready to go back to chris's hse for dinner...then go for dinner n after tt stayover thr for another few more days..was really fun....evryone was lyk asking how come no dinner...well nvm nxt yr we'll haf even more fun...
yr is coming to an end soon...sham chech wants me to join in sunday sch teaching wid her nxt yr if i do decide to come to their church..kinda big....duno la..haven really thot abt anything yet...so yea...
i //young of the butterfly// you 1:49 AM
Saturday, December 24, 2005
past 2 days haf been going carolling...juz wrote zana a long email abt wad happened n it disappeared smehow..
i enjoyed singing the carols and i absolutely LOVE singing these carols...i LOVE christmas...but generally on the whole i din enjoy myself..mainly cuz i felt so left out n redundant...its the same thing tt is happening to me as it was in chris's church..n the best part is tt tis is the reason tt drove me to leave chris's church..but i trust tt God has given me enough maturity to not make me do the same thing..cuz it wld be dumb to leave for sucha crap reason...
i also earned myself the name of bein a hot tempered girl...i duno wad to say to this...evrytime i try to change a bit of myself the past juz comes back..only i n my pri sch mates kno how hot temepered i really was in pri sch..n now is nothing compared to wad i was then..yea maybe the whole time during carolling i was so mood out n upset..i wasnt smiling n stuff...but it was only cuz i was feeling so left out..waddya expect me to do?..smile to myself?...tok to myself?...laugh to myself?...or rather i shld be laughing at myself..i kno this is juz not me...im not the kind of person whos always upset n moody...i can be talkative..i can be funny..i can laugh..i can tok..provided thr is smeone thr...but thru out the whole time of carolling i felt so alone so i juz kept quiet...
the whole time i was juz controlling my tears...i was on the verge of crying a few times..but thank God jay kept me going on...the minute i stepped out of the car i juz let evrything out..i din open my gate n go in till a gd half hr lata...i cried n let evrything out...came hm n this is whr i ended up...was actually typing an email to zana but it got deleted so posted it up here instead...maybe my excuse of being tired n moody fooled evryone...i even tried to force myself to believe tt i was tired..but heck i din believe it..im fully alive n not lethargic or tired..
after the first day of carolling n feeling so left out...i actually tol my mum evrything..i tol her how i was feeling...how left out i felt n all...n she said smth which i thot was so true...i wun say it here..but jay n i kno wad she said...n even jay says its true...n part of me believes tt...but wad she said hurt me a lot oso...but i juz tried my best to overlook tt..
this yr started off on a really bad note...literally bad...n consequently bad things juz kept happening...but thr were sme blessings frm God i believe...so much happened...n i feel lyk im a different person...totally different frm wad i was last yr..maybe juz maybe i haf forgotten how to smile..how to laugh..how to joke..how to be happy...i duno..i juz duno how to genuinely do all this anymore..i can smile but not frm the heart...i can laugh but not frm the heart..i can joke but not frm the heart...my heart has juz become stone maybe...after years of wad my mum has been telling me tt ive got a heart of stone..i think this yr it finally came true...im stone hearted...
smehow yr end isnt very good oso..doesnt feel right..i juz hope 2006 will be a gd yr..i hope myself will also change...i haf to..i really haf to...
evrybody shared at the end of the carolling in moses uncle's hse..wad jeremy said abt his father really touched me alot..it juz reminded me of how many yrs its been since ive spoken to my father..how yrs its been since we had a decent proper conversation...im gona be 18 soon n tt makes it 5 yrs..no one knows how much i love my father...its been so difficult for me to not haf my father's love even tho he is thr...n evrytime i see other fathers i feel so envious cuz i feel lyk im deprived of a father's love..maybe ttz y i shy away frm uncles n in general male figures..i duno....i wish i cld tell my dad tt im so proud of him n tt i love him so much..my dad doesnt need to be the head of the music team or a choir to earn my pride or love...he juz has to be himself n i love him so much for tt...but its reached the pnt for me whr i juz duno wad to go n tok abt to him...i duno wad to say..i duno wad to do..smetimes seeing him itself makes me tear..hearing his voice makes me tear...when i was a child,at family gatherings i never used to go to anyone but my dad....n now at family gatherings we avoid each othr as much as possible....it hurts me deep down inside..n perhaps this is the root for all the sorrow n worry i feel...
ive updated lyk u ppl wanted me to...its a bit too much but i had to get it all out..
i //young of the butterfly// you 4:28 AM
Monday, December 19, 2005
recording is over...church drama is over...orchard thingie is over...
feels lyk evrything is over...but carolling isnt over..evrythings tiring me so badly...n at hm sitting down n trying to come up wid dance steps...trying to think abt my J2 yr..trying to sit down n attempt my hw...but never doing anything....n instead unnecessary thoughts crop up...worries and sorrows...
feel my self esteem oozing out of me evryday...feel myself juz worrying n worrying abt evrything...feel so unwanted n useless....i duno y..feel lyk using the fing penknife again...
mum has been giving me a lot of attitude lately n i duno how to deal wid it...i think im going nuts...with the way i juz keep things to myself...am dreading going back to tt bloody CJ...the place which i fing hate so damn bloody much...
the Fs r prolly back frm today onwards....
i //young of the butterfly// you 11:53 PM
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
juz got a testi frm PRIYA....glad to kno tt im not forgotten....anyway glad tt the recording is done..God..after weeks and days of practice....am really so happy..now its juz the drama..ttz even more stressful..n its this Sat n thrs still so much to do...
my cousin was juz singing the vasool raja song to the yesu rajan tune..Oh God how do i help her?...loanshark n God??
i //young of the butterfly// you 12:49 AM
Monday, December 12, 2005
its lyk 13th of dec...so much has happened n yet i juz cant/dun wana blog it...its all too personal..but thrs juz this one thing
the problem lies with this thing called PRAVEENA..these 8 alphabets make up a name which in turn makes up a person..n ttz none other than me..n if this person doesnt change or at least try to change her character she is really not gona go anywhr...n ive given much thought to this...i need to change my character..im not saying it for fun or anything...its a fact...its smth which ive been thinking abt since the start of 2005...n its gona be the end soon...ive seen sme changes..mostly negative...hardening myself...smetimes believing n smetimes not....i cant think of others rite now...but i really wish ppl wld smetimes look beyond all this..thr might be a nice me underneath evrything u kno...n my really good fren tol me tt i had a heart of stone..i dun disagree nor agree...its a half half..i do think tt smetimes my heart is so hard tt i can be feelingless n not give a thot abt others...but at othr times my heart is so soft and i feel evrything...n i mean it..im the kinda person who wen loves,loves whole heartedly and wen hates,hates whole heartedly..im lyk tt...n i cant help it...but thrs a few problems wid me...n wen i talked to my fren abt it...both of us understood the problem[PRAVEENA] n we kno the solution...but im not letting myself change..or rather i dun wana...id rather juz remain who i am so tt whoever wants to hate me can hate me...n whoever wants to love me can love me...but ttz not gona get me anywhr...im gona be the quiet person ard ppl i duno n be MYSELF ard the ppl i kno..this is juz me but so many ppl haf tol me i need to change this...
only zana knows wad im talking abt...i juz felt i had to rite this down cuz i haf no time wid my diary...
i //young of the butterfly// you 1:45 AM
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
someone called me immune yest..n tt really hurt me so much..i was juz controlling my anger n hurt n sadness at being called immune..i juz duno how to express it but really..i wish i cld haf shouted at the person or slapped him or did smth..i hate it wen ppl say tt im immune or haf no feelings cuz i do..u ur self used sme pretty disgusting language on me...even wen my own FRENS say anything nasty abt me seriously i scold them....n u who are not even my fren has the bloody goddamn nevre to use such language on me....so instead of showing my anger i kept quiet n ignored u..n then u call me immune..tt so pissed me off..i mean wad is wrong wid u guys??...seriously i expected JC guys to be much more mature but they all seem to be bloody immature n childish...i duno wad to say..im so pissed cuz U r juz so childish and immature and seriously irritating..the word immune has been ringing in my mind for these two days...immune...wad the SHIT were u thinking u BLOODY DOG??
relatives r coming back tmw..juz cant wait for them..
went sushma hse juz now..watched 3 HINDI movies...i loved them all..i think i need to start a collection of HINDI movies oso..they seem much better than tamil movies...had a lot of fun in her hse...
been spending too much time outside hse...haven seen my mum in a long time even tho we live under the same roof..it sux n its affecting me...i duno wad to say anymore la...i cant do anything abt it oso anyway..
my com is a gone case..cannot play VCD..cannot play CD..cannot play the songs..i CANT even surf the bloody net..i cant do anything wid this DUMB shit bloody com...
i //young of the butterfly// you 10:11 PM