Sunday, October 28, 2007
3 years 8 months and 12 days.i love you to death.i love you so much.i just love you.
God for the past few days or rather weeks i have asked you for only one thing.2 things for this weekend actually.but once my brother comes back safely from sarawak you know i still have that only one prayer.and God please just fulfill this prayer of mine.you know how much i have cried and prayed and cried and prayed.please help me this once God.
it has only been 2 days and it is unbearable for me really.my brother also feels it.my brothers says we should go check it out next tuesday once my brother is home.i think ultimately i just will.
and throughout this period i really needed my friends.but then again as usual they all just go missing.i didn't need you telling me to just cry OR to just let go OR it is ok.because when you tell me to just cry it feels like an obligation.because when you tell me to just let go you so don't know what you are saying.because when you tell me it is ok it totally isn't.it is not!what you could have done was come over on thursday and just stayed with me till it was done.and then after that just mourn with me or let me mourn till i am fine.what scares me is that no one here seems to be mourning or crying whereas i keep tearing and crying every time i think about it.
right now i really do want to move away from my family.if i had my own house,car and my own dogs,things would be fine.
and God i always thought people would think i am crazy if i ever said that i just want a hug only from you.from up above.but God i don't care anymore.i need it really.
can someone along the way of his/her life lose the capacity to love?i mean seriously?because i am 100% sure my mum has lost it.
i know i will cry again tonight.and i will cry until my wounds are healed and i find that i have got someone behind me once again.i have lost hope.i am disgusted by my mother.i feel loneliness.i feel my heart wrenching every time i think of him.i just want him back.to give him one more hug and one more kiss.actually i want him back for good.
God really take away the pain,worry and guilt.please God.
i //young of the butterfly// you 12:31 AM
Sunday, October 21, 2007
i asked for it.i want thursday to come and go as fast as possible.i hope i don't cry.i hope i don't go mad.i hope nothing happens.of course if i could i would ask somebody to be here for me but everyone has disappeared.so i will deal with it.
this whole things about friends is wearing me out big time.never trust people who call themselves your friends really.in fact just don't ever trust anybody.no point.
last night i studied maths and statistics.AND i learned how to light a cigarette.how fascinating.
friday was a VERY messy day.and because i was PMSing so badly,i was tearing and wanting to kill someone at every small thing.i figure that if i am to continue PMSing this badly for the rest of my life,my husband will divorce me within 5 years of marriage.and my kids will run away as soon as they know that they can do it.or as suta put it they will leave with their father.
what you don't understand about friday is that i was NOT the one showing my attitude.nobody tells me anything.and most of all you can NEVER rely/trust my mother to tell me anything.because she doesn't talk to me.she ignores me.and talks to me only when she feels like it which is...seldom.we don't even have proper conversations.it has reached the point where i just take pocket money from them and live my life the way i want to.the 'parents' don't matter in life anymore.ok i am way off track.back to friday.i am pretty sure everybody would have been saying that i was as usual showing my attitude.whatever.everybody plans everything without me and leave me out always.and the two supposed cousins whom i don't know what to say about.they didn't even mention anything to me.how about not assuming and actually asking?would that have hurt?just don't blame me for something that was EVERYBODY'S fault.i was so mad at everybody that i was tearing during lecture after lecture.came home also i wanted to cry.so i decided to just take panadol and sleep.or not i would have gone made during the day.slept from 12+-7+.it was a GOOD sleep but of course when i woke up the anger was still there.it was fucked up.
i //young of the butterfly// you 9:01 PM
Monday, October 08, 2007
i don't usually say this.but i will say it anyway.i am fucking fucking fucking shagged.i don't even know why.
it has been a HORRIBLE sleepless night weekend.and even though i got like 9 hours of sleep on sunday night i felt SO grouchy this morning.i didn't go for my afternoon tutorials.and something is just so wrong because i feel VERY angry.at apparently nothing?SO ANNOYING!i keep like cursing and swearing.then i stop midway and like think what the bloody hell am i cursing at.then i realise NOTHING.it is very irritating man.
today on the way to school i was standing-sleeping in the train.then when i reached i couldn't absorb anything for econs so i left and came home.i was SO tired but suta forced me to accompany her.so i went and i realised the stupid meeting was SHIT pointless ok.i am so annoyed.because i could have SLEPT!and gotten like another 9 freaking hours of sleep.
met jan after her work and took the bus home with her.priceless.just priceless.well i am glad that at least one thing turned out good.and i can't wait to meet clareeeee tomorrow.haha.lunch with her. (: YAYNESS.
AND boyfriends irritate the fucking hell out of me i swear.so screw all boyfriends.oh wait fuck them all damn it.your relationship.its YOURS.i stay away from all my friends' boyfriends.i intend to do that till they stop irritating the fuck out of me ok?so meanwhile don't expect me to socialise with them.
actually then again at least 95% of the bloody male species suck.so really fuck them all.
i //young of the butterfly// you 11:42 PM
Sunday, October 07, 2007
the last damn thing you want to do when you come home after two nights in a row of
not being home is to shout at your brother just because you feel 'mood-out'.
which is just what exactly i did.screw me.
it amuses me to know that i actually danced with a primary school sinda friend after a whole decade.he was my primary 3 sinda friend.i remember how me n uma pretty much tortured the hell out of him.or was it the other way round?we 3 just used to irritate the hell out of each other.then after 7 years he got attached to one of my friends.that didn't last and now he met janani on friendster.so me jan and his ex-gf all decided to club together.he had no clue that his ex was going to be there with jan.but it was funny.i saw him like telling jan that clare was his ex and he looked freaked.very funny i tell you.and then all three of us danced with him for a few songs.it was funny.i mean 10 years of not even talking and suddenly one night of clubbing and we actually update each other?weird and funny.
i hope that when you are re-incarnated,you are re-incarnated as a dog.i hope that your owners cage you up day and night.i hope they don't show you any love.i hope they don't ever go near you.BUT i want them to buy you and STILL keep you because i want you to feel it.you bloody motherfucking bitch.or maybe in your old age,i should cage you up.and not ever go near you and don't give two flying fucks about you.when i break finally i will call the SPCA with or without your bloody fucking permission.i cannot tolerate it anymore.you,you fucking mother,you cannot even fucking love your children so obviously how will you love a dog?you can just go and fuck and die for all i fucking care.just fuck and die motherfucking bitch.i realised after all this time i cannot look my aunties in their face or eyes and talk because i feel guilty and ashamed and restricted.i am trying my best not to feel anything.but i cannot.i am not strong enough.after 3 months things are pretty much scattered around.and i guess what we all need is just a small miracle.or perhaps a change of my mother's heart would do the trick.everytime i meet my relatives memories flood my mind and love floods my heart.i cannot control my emotions when it comes to them because i love them all so much.meeting suse auntie in the mornings is fine because it is just a 30-40minutes journey.perhaps why i keep putting off meeting sathesh is because i know spending that time with him is going to leave me with wanting more and for all i know there will be another 3 months gap before i get to see him again.overnight studying with suta and logita just left me wanting to cry because whether they accept it or not i
have grown apart from them.but we still want to study together again next weekend.i don't want them coming here because i cannot deal with the attitude my mother is going to show them.i just hope that next weekend i will be fine.
people misinterpret me a lot and it is funny when that happens.
i //young of the butterfly// you 12:37 PM
Thursday, October 04, 2007
dearest little love.i am not going to publish your name here but you know who you are.decided to do this since you were really too tired to talk.there wasn't much said i know.but i need you to know that i am here for you.well firstly you asked me how far would i trust someone.a lot.i trust zana,you and chris with my life.totally.the 3 of you have done too much for me.i tell you anything and everything and you know that.in these few months i have opened up so much to you and you mean hell a lot to me now.when i trust,i trust that person to no end.because it makes me feel secured and loved knowing that there is someone i can trust and someone who trusts me back.i just trust the person with everything.as for why you bother so much and cannot stay firm with him.i don't have the answer to that.because between you and him you know its purely friendship.as for me and him you know there was more to it.whether he did anything or not i was willing to forgive him because i really liked him.in your case i really don't know why you can't just chuck him away because i have done that to all the guys who took me for granted as a friend.and you know how i just chuck people away.i know how much he has hurt you and i don't want to see you go through that pain again even though you think he has changed.i never did trust that fellow and i don't think i ever will.but seeing you do so much for him and him not appreciating it is what makes me feel for you.being stone hearted and one mother hell of a bitch is something i expertise in.haha.which is why i easily put people out of my life.it is not a problem for me.i mean think about that stupid gang from CJ.how within these few months i just completely let go of them?and honestly after telling thad everything,we haven't kept in touch.if you really want to push him out of your life you just got to be strong and ignore everything of his/him.you just need to really let go.perhaps there is a small part of you that still cannot let go which is why you are a bit stuck.i know that i sometimes say 'let us give things/people a chance'.but knowing what he has put you through and everything i really don't think it is a good idea.and another thing is he tried to come back in your life when the wounds are probably fresh.you haven't fully healed and recovered from the things that happened which is why you get that funny/weird feeling.same thing for me here.i saw him after 1year and 2months.after that long time.enough of a healing period.what did i do after that?call zana and laugh.and to think that all this time i was so afraid.and thing is even though i still like him i will not let him back in my life.same thing for you girl.you need the time to heal and think things out properly.and sometimes some people just aren't meant to be in your life.and girl like you said yourself you don't feel good about anything and you hardly ever feel like that.obviously that spells trouble.trust yourself.because you know yourself best.your perception that every time he is nice,something bad happens.it isn't wrong of you to have that perception.there have been times when a lot of shit happened which is why you feel that way.it comes from the experience.it has happened before and it possibly could happen again.everybody has a fear like that.it is not irrational or stupid.it is human to have that fear darling.and now to be completely honest with you.i was actually very surprised when you told me that you thought he was changed.i do not know why.but when you were talking about him you let it seem like you were back to normal.i was actually wondering how come it just happened you know.but now i know that you are still unsure and everything.and also i was trying to figure how you could make that out from just a phone call.well maybe it is because you know him well i guess.if it were me i still would not trust what he was saying over the phone.but then again i never really clarified this with you so i don't quite know.perhaps you also didn't trust him.you are a person with just about the biggest heart ever.that i know for a fact.and that heart might tell you to give him a chance or still have that soft spot for him.it will happen.could have happened.but eventually you will know what to do.but i don't want to see you end up hurt again.i don't want you to live through that again.just know that no matter what you have got my shoulder to lean on or cry on if anything ever happens.because i really do love you a lot.i always say i love you when i don't know how to express myself.it's like this.i somehow know the pain of it.it is slightly similar.i know that pain and hurt and anger and hatred and everything else that comes from it.it is not easy to deal with and i don't want to see you struggling with it.but if it ever happens you have to deal with it to learn from it.but throughout the journey i am going to be there beside you,walking with you.know that.
to everybody else.hello.well well.quite a few things have happened these past few days.
tuesdays with janani and christina.haha.fun fun fun times infinity.jan is so funny with her addiction to her munchy donuts.she had 4 donuts for herself people.and she doesn't put on weight.i swear she has a secret weight losing formula.maybe we got to get you drunk and get it out of you jan?haha.
anyway so on the way home in the feeder bus i think we saw monan.he was waiting at that bus stop.and to be completely honest my heart just stopped.and so i looked away.my heart was beating really fast and i couldn't quite think straight.the effect he still has on me.but after everything the whole situation seemed pretty funny to me.i called zana,talked and really laughed like a lot.and jan and i are still trying to figure out who that girl was.haha.jan i am telling you it is either the sleeping partner or spare tyre.haha.after 1 year and 2 months.after this long long long time i thought i would be freaked out and scared and panic when i saw him.it wasn't much of a panic attack or freaking out or getting scared when i saw him,it was heart stopping and then really funny.it didn't leave me with any bad feelings.don't worry.i am fine.i know you don't get why it is funny but it is.and to think that was the place that we both were at during the very very very last time.how we were sitting.everything is funny.dark humour?and don't get me wrong.i know i am still not completely over him and i thank God for putting me in the bus and him at the bus stop.i thank God for not letting me get off at that bus stop earlier and walking home because i WOULD have met him somewhere along the way home.i thank God that he did not get on that same bus as me.i would personally like to believe that this is the last i am ever going to see him and that this is the final healing of whatever i went through.or if it is meant to be a 'sneak preview' for something bigger then i trust that God will bring me through.
university is becoming way way way more than what i asked for.i am having a lot of problems with a lot of my work.i just need to put myself in that studying mode like pretty soon.i have got 8 weeks to my mocks.and 8 weeks to study 6 completely HEAVY modules.
and friends i know you mean well when you ask me to do something to change the way my life is.i have tried.i tried enough.and for now i am really sick of trying.i appreciate your worry and concern but don't.just be there when i need to cry or talk.that is all i ask of you.janani and priya thank you very very much for caring.but i have tried.maybe just not enough.but i don't want to do anything for now.university is taking up a lot of my life and i am glad for it.i don't even see my mother or dad much.come home and i only talk to my brothers.but all has been fine and sane so far.
zana interpreted another dream the other day.surprising how she managed to interpret it spot on.it was exactly what was happening in my life.putting the distance between myself and suse auntie/sathesh is very very painful.not telling my mother that i have been meeting suse auntie every morning when i go to school is another thing i fear my mother will find out one day.telling suse auntie not to say anything makes me feel like a complete bitch.but i cannot help it.and not seeing sathesh for so damn bloody long makes life so..empty..the only other guy i would trust my life with besides my father.i just hope that one day i get my ass down to seeing them.and when i do that once again i have to lie to my mother.because if she knows the truth she won't be happy.it has been happening for sometime.this whole lying to my mother when i meet my aunties and stuff but lately it has just got me wondering and very confused.but i don't want to trouble myself further.as long as she doesn't know anything,she can remain that way for a long long time.
ok all.i am dead tired.the above italicised post applies to only one person and if it doesn't concern you don't think too much ok?and janani you asked for an update.haha.this is for you.and jay what happened to you becoming a PR on this blog?you want to be exiled from land of the little child of God?i am going crazy.it is 3.30 in the morning.so don't blame me. (:
i //young of the butterfly// you 2:28 AM