Tuesday, October 31, 2006
1. QUIT WORRYING:
Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit
and worry. Have you forgotten that I am here
to take all your burdens and carry them for you?
Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little
thing that comes your way?
2. PUT IT ON THE LIST:
Something needs done or taken care of. Put it
on the list. No, not YOUR list. Put it on MY
to-do-list. Let ME be the one to take care
of the problem. I can't help you until you turn
it over to Me. And al though My to-do-list
is long, I am after all... God. I can take care
of anything you put into My hands. In fact,
if the truth were ever really known, I take
care of a lot of things for you that you never
even realize.
3. TRUST ME:
Once you've given your burdens to Me,
quit trying to take them back. Trust in
Me. Have the faith that I will take care of
all your needs, your problems and your trials.
Problems with the kids? Put them on My list.
Problem with finances? Put it on My list.
Problems with your emotional roller coaster?
For My sake, put it on My list. I want to
help you. All you have to do is ask.
4. LEAVE IT ALONE:
Don't wake up one morning and say,
"Well, I'm feeling much stronger now, I think
I can handle it from here." Why do you think
you are feeling stronger now? It's simple.
You gave Me your burdens and I'm taking
care of them. I also renew your strength
and cover you in my peace. Don't you
know that if I give you these problems back,
you will be right back where you started?
Leave them with Me and forget about
them. Just let Me do my job.
5. TALK TO ME:
I want you to forget a lot of things.
Forget what was making you crazy.
Forget the worry and the fretting because
you know I'm in control. But there's one
thing I pray you never forget. Please, don't
forget to talk to Me - OFTEN! I love YOU!
I want to hear your voice. I want you to
include Me in on the things going on in your life.
I want to hear you talk about your friends
and family. Prayer is simply you having
a conversation with Me. I want to be your
dearest friend.
6. HAVE FAITH:
I see a lot of things from up here that you
can't see from where you are. Have faith in
Me that I know what I'm doing. Trust Me;
you wouldn't want the view from My eyes.
I will continue to care for you, watch over you,
and meet your needs. You only have to trust Me.
Although I have a much bigger task than you,
it seems as if you have so much trouble just
doing your simple part. How hard can trust be?
7. SHARE:
You were taught to share when you were
only two years old. When did you forget?
That rule still applies. Share with those who are
less fortunate than you. Share your joy with
those who need encouragement. Share your
laughter with those who haven't heard any in
such a long time. Share your tears with those
who have forgotten how to cry. Share your faith
with those who have none.
8. BE PATIENT:
I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime
you could have so many diverse experiences.
You grow from a child to an adult, have children,
change jobs many times, learn many trades,
travel to so many places, meet thousands
of people, and experience so much. How can
you be so impatient then when it takes Me
a little longer than you expect to handle
something on My to-do-list? Trust in My
timing, for My timing is perfect. Just
because I created the entire universe in
only six days, everyone thinks I should
always rush, rush, rush.
9. BE KIND:
Be kind to others, for I love them just
as much as I love you. They may not dress
like you, or talk like you, or live the same way
you do, but I still love you all. Please try
to get along, for My sake. I created each
of you different in some way. It would be
too boring if you were all identical.
Please, know I love each of your differences.
10. LOVE YOURSELF:
As much as I love you, how can you not
love yourself? You were created by me for
one reason only -- to be loved, and to love
in return. I am a God of Love. Love Me.
Love your neighbors. But also love yourself.
It makes My heart ache when I see you
so angry with yourself when things go
wrong. You are very precious to me.
Don't ever forget......
i //young of the butterfly// you 3:45 PM
Sunday, October 29, 2006
suta u wanted an update..here goes..
today..29th oct 2006..today was the 2nd time i recall tt i cldnt control my hatred n anger..i felt lyk an enraged beast wanting to tear smeone apart..n it all started wid my bro spitting in my face..i wanted to tell him..not scold..tell him its wrong..he ran away n threw a cushion at me..in the process he knocked down the choc pudding cointainers n spilt the juice on the floor..he also knocked down a drink..on top of all this he REFUSED to clean it up..n then i got up to grab him n he ran to the kitchen toilet..n spilt the dog's water all over..wad does my mum do?..shout at me..she told me to get lost..then she shouted more angrily 2nd time round..n i got damn fucking pissed at her..so i went to my room locked myself up..n wad did she do?she started throwing her bloody fucking tantrum..she started shouting..then she banged on my door..i opened it n she threw my shoes into my face..
this was wad happened..smehow i wished my father had been smewhr ard n tt he had juz taken my head n rammed it into the rock wall..get my head split open n lemme die...or rubbed my face on the wall n get me disfigured n lemme bleed to death..i went to my room..i wanted to cut myself..but i din i duno why..i started hitting myself instead..i wanted to fucking die..i wanted to get an asthma attack thr n then n juz died..i wanted to take as many panadols as i cld..but i din haf any in my room..i juz wanted to die..
why shld i even be in this family when my mum has called me a fucking bitch?
why shld i even be in this family when my mum threw shoes into my face?
why shld i even be in this family when my mum regards me a stranger?
why shld i even be in this family when my mum and dad dun even talk to me?
why shld i even be in this family when my mum says she picked me up frm the dustbin?
why shld i even be in this family when my mum calls me black?
why shld i even be in this family when my mum says im ugly?
why shld i even be in this family when my mum tells me tt ALL my relatives hate me for who i am?
why shld i even be in this family when my mum says i haf a stone for a heart?
why shld i even be in this family when my mum fucking hates me?
i really wana die..i cannot take this anymore..after today i kno for sure my whole family hates me..im juz nothing to them..i dun mean anything to anybody..i kno for sure tt i haf no purpose in this world..i also kno for sure tt God doesnt care abt me juz lyk my mother doesnt..i kno tt my mum hates me so much..i saw the hatred in her face..
i cldnt even bring myself to call chris or zana to clear my heart..i duno wad to say abt tt..
i contemplated running away tonight..i oso contemplated dropping out of sch..or juz not turning up for the A levels..i contemplated giving myself up for prostitution if i cldnt find a job..i contemplated dying..i wanted to brk the windows n run away..i wanted to do smth so drastic..but i ended up lying on the floor for a few hrs..i dun even kno wad was running thru my mind..or whether i slept..
i juz wonder why my mum hates me so much..wad did i do to make her hate me?..i mean..i juz dun understand why she treats me lyk i dun exist..why she treats me lyk a stranger..
i cannot take this anymore..im really at a loss as to wad to do..i really wish id die soon..juz wana die..its no use trying to psyche myself into thinking tt all this is normal or tt all this happens in every family..ive been trying to find a purpose in life..n i cant..the only words tt can really express wad i feel right now is i juz wana die..
i //young of the butterfly// you 9:23 PM
Thursday, October 12, 2006
lemme juz say a few things tt ive been thinking abt these past few days..a lot has been happening..i haven got the chance to tok to ppl n maybe i juz dun wish to..i dun even tok to zana or chris much anymore so dun expect me to tok to othrs much..
i really wonder wad it wld be lyk to haf suse auntie or santhi auntie or radha auntie as a mum..well suse auntie n radha auntie is cuz they treat their kids lyk their own frens..they share a MOTHER-DAUGHTER relationship..they tell each othr stuff..they go out wid each othr..the mums dun mind going out wid their kids n vice versa...whereas my mum refuses to go out wid me..nags whenever i suggests it or juz point blank refuses to go out...n santhi auntie i duno she is juz nice to her daughters...she talks to them..she doesnt come home n throw a bloody tantrum..but then again my cousins wld say tt they wld prefer my mum..cuz they look at her as being nice to me oso..the pnt of this entry is not to show ppl tt my mum is a freak or anything but to sort things out in my head..i kno my mum is good hearted n nice..i really appreciate her n all the stuff she has done for me..cuz i kno tt in my family i was/still am/will be the most difficult to handle..i am juz very unpredictable..i appreciate her..but wad i really want from/in her is a fren..whom i really can rely on n tok to..a real fren who isnt gona backstab me or treat me lyk dirt or make me feel lyk shit...but i cant get tt frm her no matter how hard i try..i mean i kno thr may be othr mothers out thr who dun give a damn abt their kids or abandon them or whatever shit..im thankful tt my mum hasnt done tt to me...but really it hurts wen u realise u cant even find a gd fren in ur own family..not in ur brothers or parents..its bad u kno..i kno ive been scarred by this..im really trying to repair it..im not wallowing in self pity or depression here..im talking to my bros evryday in the hope tt one day they will realise tt i do love them alot..n im doing my best wid my parents..trying to help them as much as possible..n talking to them even though they dun usually talk to me..u kno i try so hard..but really thrs a limit for me..i haf reached my limit..lyk a long time ago..but im still trying my utmost best n its so futile..its tiring to continue..its hurting as well..n i mean who will actually understand this?my mum got a new job this wk..n she has started to come home wid her temper..so evrytime she comes home she juz shouts n shouts n nags..she need not be shouting at me but i juz feel weird wen she shouts..i duno how to explain it..i duno if its fear or anger at her..i juz duno how to explain it..n yea we haven spoken to each othr at all this whole wk..how cool is tt huh?..n wen she quit frm her job she told my auntie not to tell me anything..why not?..am i a stranger to u?..am i an outsider?..am i NOT supposed to be a part of this family?...why do u not tell me stuff?..why isit tt u hide stuff frm ur children?..it hurts me really it does..but after awhile i really gave up on finding out wad was going on in her life..i gave up cuz she wldnt tell me no matter wad..n u kno its cuz of all this wen my aunties try to be nice to me i shy away frm them..im scared to tok to them too much or let them into my life cuz im afraid tt i will start to turn to them for a motherly figure..i rem wen i found tt zana's mum calls me her daughter n really treats me lyk one i was really so touched..cuz she really treats me lyk one unlike my own mother...but after all this i juz cannot hate my mother..i cannot alrdy..i haf no energy left to hate..n besides i dun want to..i also know tt on the outside evrything looks fine n good..it seems as if we both haf a perfect rtshp but trust me we dun..n i also understand tt ttz e same for the rest of the ppl...on the outside things look good but i kno on the inside smetimes thrs shit n all tt...so yea..smehow it seems lyk wad i was thinking of n this post so do not tally wid each othr..if onyl i cld type as fast as i think..
n well tmw..oct 13th..marks my end in CJ..will i miss it?i duno..but one thing i kno is im sure as hell happy to be out of the damn sch...it made me go thru so much of shit..wid myself..my classmates..n my 'frens'..evrytime i go back to mr muthu's i realise tt i made the biggest mistake by going CJ..i actually wanted to go CJ cuz i wanted to be wid ym IJ frens..but i will say this one thing..none of them did stick by me..none..well ive learnt a lot of stuff though..who can be trusted n who cant be...who r juz users..no doubt all my IJ frens did let me down..niva..fran..pinks..jo...all let me down..but tt was last yr..n im alrdy over it..ive had enuff on depending on othrs..ttz y tis yr i din give a damn abt being alone or whatsoever..this yr i came to the pnt whr i cant be bothered if im sitting alone or walking alone or being alone..juz cldnt be bothered..n this yr i met quite an interesting bunch of ppl..the indian ppl..i really cant be bothered if u guys read tis or whatsoever..hafiz was the one person who made a huge impact on my life the way zana did..its amazing..since i appreciated him in this short time tt i knew him whereas it took me quite long to appreciate zana..but back to the pnt..these ppl..once again they taught me a lot of things..zana said one day id be thankful for them in my life...n this is the day..where im thankful i HAD them in my life..after i learnt the truth abt one of them i pulled myself away cuz i din wana get involved..i din wana go around lyk a blind bat..i din wana let them bring me down..n after a few more mths i pretty much distanced myself frm them..n im glad tt e end of sch is finally here cuz i really had enuff in CJ..n after this i dun think i will be continuing any of my friendships wid these ppl..maybe my classmates..but othrs no..being in CJ was really a majorly tough time for me..but im thankful schs done wid...juz the As to go..after tt im off..
deepavali's ard the corner..excited n not excited at the same time..im inviting a big bunch of ppl this yr n im wondering how im gona entertain all of them..ttz lyk the main worry on my mind..n sitting/seating space...thrs absolutely no space..in my room..im ok wid u guys crashing my bed n all..but i dun think EVERYBODY can squeeze on e bed so yea...n also this yr a lot more relatives will be coming in the evening..hais..i hope things go well..n i hope i find smth to wear..
the fear of losing chris to monan is back in me again..im not ashamed to admit this insecurity cuz chris is smeone i love vry much n one of the 2 who has the top priorities in my life..n well tt asshole is back..n i haven heard frm her in a vry long time..cuz ive been busy wid the bloody books so yea..im juz scared..of wad i duno...n i dun think chris will lyk put him over me but looking at it frm my POV,my vry insecure POV, it definitely seems lyk it may happen..n im SO hoping smehow they DUN go to the same uni as each othr..im sorry chris..but im praying so hard tt ur not going anywhr he is going..n im praying tt u will juz get into NUS..so tt i will meet u thr..n hopefully i go thr oso..
yest i was reading this book my cousin gave me a few yrs back..i read it before but it didnt really make an impact on me..but yest it made me think...thr was this title on 'WHEN YOU NEED LOVE'..i happened to turn to tt page cuz i was curious..n thr were MANY verses...telling me how love is truly evrything n the greatest power of all..i was thinking for quite smetime ive been telling ppl tt i lack love..zana agreed wid me..i was a bit taken aback..but yea..i feel i do lack love cuz all those i trust n love so much eventually let me down or hurt me...but then im wondering HOW wld u define love?...isit wen a parent buys things for a child?..in a way its material love maybe?..isit wen parents shouts at a child wen they do smth wrong?..isit wen parents give u too much of trust,space n freedom tt it almost seems lyk they forget tt u actually exist?..isit wen a fren shares her innermost feelings wid u?..i thot ttz trust?..n here im assuming tt trust comes wid love or vice versa?..isit wen a fren calls u once in awhile to go to sch wid u cuz she doesnt haf anybody?..i thot ttz using?..thr r so many examples i cld give...but then it wld lyk im starting to blame ppl..i duno..i juz never understood wad love is..n wad im trying to understand is FAMILY and FRIENDS love..dun even bother abt bringing in the boyfriend's love part..i so dun believe in tt bullshit yet...hell no..not even wen ppl ard me r together for a yr or more than 3 yrs..love maybe i do understand a bit of it..cuz then i was young..i knew tt my dad loved me n i loved my dad..i still do..i love my dad fiercely strongly n whateverly..but smetime back my mum told me im not his favourite anymore..i knew i was so upset..tt i teared...n came home n cried so badly..it was one morn wen we went for brkfast..but after we stopped talking i knew ttz wen evrything went downhill for me..but then love then to me was so simple..to me this was love:
1.he wld evryday after work,come to my room,sit down n talk to me..EVERY SINGLE DAY..
2.me waiting for him to come back wen he was OTing..even if it meant waiting all by myself in the hall n falling aslp till i hear him opening the door..n then him carrying me n tucking me into bed..
3.me holding his hands evrywhr we went.
4.me kissing him evrytime we parted..
..the memories r alrdy fading..they are..but this was love to me..my dad was/is/will always be my one true love..i kno it..n i kno strongly tt the day i fix my rtshp wid him will be the day i change my perceptions[misjudged/wrong] about guys in general..trust me..u guys reading this may scorn at tis or laugh at this..but only id kno the truth right..
i //young of the butterfly// you 4:57 PM
Friday, October 06, 2006
wads e purpose of havin a party in a club when u get drunk quarter way?
wads e purpose of having a boy/girlfriend if u r gonna break up eventually?
wads e purpose of studying when ur gonna fail anyway?
wads e purpose of love when it hurts always?
wads e purpose of pleasure when u have to pay for it?
wads e purpose of friendship when it makes use of u only?
wads e purpose of being nice when its never reciprocated?
wads e purpose of future when the present is nothing but torture?
wads e purpose of being female when ur undermined n subjugated always?
wads e purpose of being a feminist when ur the epitomy of slut?
wads e purpose of havin a mothertougue when u dunt speak it at all?
wads e purpose of putting up a front when the one ur lying to is urself?
wads e purpose of being a mother/father when ur own children cant find a reason to love u?
wads e purpose of being nice when ur not being genuine?
wads e purpose of life when u have to die?do u understand my pnt yet?..i juz dun see a purpose in anything..not at all..maybe ttz y m super fucked up or smth..
i //young of the butterfly// you 9:12 PM
Thursday, October 05, 2006
looks lyk im not keeping true to my words..whatever la..
im halfway to cancelling my whole deepavali..n running away for tt day to smewhr else n juz study thr or smth..i SERIOUSLY haf nothing to wear n my mum isnt doing anything abt it..then once again as usual i will end up looking the ugliest amongst all the cousins as i haf the past few yrs..n then i will sit n cry for the nxt few wks cuz i'll feel disgusted wid myself..[IM FUCKING BEING WHINY N CHILDISH HERE.JUZ LEMME DO IT CUZ IM UPSET]..i DUN wana look ugly this yr n my mum doesnt understand tt..she never will anyway cuz she has PLENTY of saris in her wardrobe which she can use..whereas i dun..n she is juz either too lazy to bring me shopping or too stingy to bring me shopping..n yes childish me is upset abt tt..n if ur thinking y i cant go myself its cuz my mum wun be happy abt tt n she HATES my taste so she believes tt whatever i buy will be ugly n disgusting..so thr goes my idea of a happy n looking nice deepavali..fuck evrything ok really..im gona be in fucking shorts n t shirt..n i will so cry cuz im a baby..
n evrything is tiring me out so badly..seeing faces i dun wana see..talking to assholes i dun wana talk to..i really cant wait for 13th oct...after tt im done wid CJ..after As i wil be REALLY done wid CJ..really really done..had enough wid the bloody ppl who caused me lot of shit in my life n at the same time taught me the TRUTHS abt life..im really really worn out..
n him..he is back..for good..this time really really for good apparently..im really dreading this..i kinda think he is avoiding me also which is a good thing..but wad if i meet him outside smewhr..wad am i supposed/gona do?i really duno..to smile?to say hi?to ignore n walk off?..i so duno..n he can go n die for wanting to go to the same uni as chris cuz IM going same uni as her..piss off u kno seriously..piss off..the fact tt he is gona be here forever is alrdy so fucked up..i dun need to kno tt he has intentions of going to the same uni as chris..n i secretly..oh so secretly hope tt he DOESNT get into the same uni as chris..asshole..
n i kno why im lyk tt...its gona be tt time of the month..
i //young of the butterfly// you 10:55 PM
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
my yrs in CJ r coming to an end n im still wondering if im gona miss it lyk how i miss IJ or will i even miss CJ a slight bit?i duno..
im in no mood to blog..been really upset tired n sour lately..n i dun think i'll be blogging anytime soon..like maybe till after As or smth..anything pls sms me..a few last words..
MEL:i hope ur doing ok..i always forget to sms u n ask u how ur doing..i will really try to rem nxt time kaes..love u..
CHITZ:hey girl..i hope u doing great..im super busy now wid As..n so sorry for not calling u wen i went IJ tt day..really forget tt u live thr only..wen i go thr again or after my As i'll call u then kaes..sorry dear..love u too.. (:
and lastly FUCK LIFE!
i //young of the butterfly// you 5:15 PM