im a lil butterfly (:

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

im not supposed to be here really..im supposed to be mugging lyk crap for my econs paper..but obviously im not..maybe ive juz given up..im kidding myself u kno wen is ay i can do it..

its a fucked up day today..i mean i was so happy in sch for sme weird reason..actually i kno y cuz i was gona go back to IJ..it helped me pull thru today...then i went back n saw my favouritestest teachers n was so happy...juz to come back n get my mood spoiled..fought wid prasaanth..well it was juz me beating him up...i duno..wen im pissed n my anger takes control of me i get scared of myself...n after tt i REFUSED to do any hsewrk..i juz showered n locked myself in the room for 4 hrs..n i fell aslp crying...i woke up n am feeling so lost...all this cuz my bro refused to wash the mop....dun ask....

i got so much of fuck to do ok....so much..i juz wish my mum wld hire a temporary maid or smth to help clean the hse till deepavali is over cuz thrs SO much to do...n i gotta mug lyk shit for tamil..my table's a MESS...how am i to clean it over the wk end??...n i wil die if i start cleaning it on mon afternoon..cuz then i will prolly take lyk 10938423 hrs to clean it up....UGGGGGGGGGGHHHHSSSSSS!!!.....n i dun even kno if ppl r confirm coming to my hse..

been doing too much of UNNECESSARY thinking these past few days all cuz of stupid econs..u kno rite now im juz holding a lot of anger in my heart...at a lot of ppl..who disrupted lessons..esp the econs lessons...its juz so sudden..dun ask...evrybody whom i happen to be OK wid in my class is being promoted..n i haf a vry high chance of NOT being promoted..so wad options r thr for me if i retain?...i dun wana leave CJ n go elsewhr cuz the arts programme here is damn good..but at the same time if i do retain shld i juz leave n go aussie??...i feel so sad..i found one really good fren in my class...michele..n i kno y God made her my fren..i also kno y i was put in this class n now we r all gona be separated??....y?...i dun wana go n make frens all over again cuz i dun wana..im an anti social person...evrybody in class is telling me i CAN do it..but i keep thinking i cant..n heck if i continue wid this thought DUH i will never make it rite...n u see ah i kno it u kno but i juz dun follow it...i really wana be promoted n keep this class...n graduate wid them..but y do i keep feeling it wun happen?

my mum still isnt toking to me...n i feel so fcking depressed...cuz i haf NO ONE to tok to in the hse....its scary/sad to kno tt i got nobody to tok to...i feel so pathetic..its really so stupid..i really think it is...n i swear i think my family hates me...

i //young of the butterfly// you 10:12 PM

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

u kno wad sucks??...tt ash stays all the way in fricking buona vista..i was juz going thru all my testis on frenster n i juz realised how badly i miss her...i mean we've been promising to haf a dinner since lyk wen n we never do it...n its so diff to meet up cuz its quite troublesome for her to come here oso..n vice versa..gosh..i really do miss her a lot..n since im not much of a phone person i dun really call her except for smetimes..n then we realise we got TOO much to tok abt over the fone n tt we shld meet up n then it never happens..it sux k..hais...i cant wait for PW to be over n my damn econs supp paper which i WILL pass for all the frens who believe in me n for myself...n im gona make sure we meet up as often as possible..n we will haf a tuition gathering soon k guys..after ur Os....n then we will enjoy a bit...

i //young of the butterfly// you 8:06 PM

Monday, October 24, 2005

been thinking abt my econs results the whole day..been juz thinking abt econs econs econs...n then kinda shouted at my tamil teacher in class..i mean i din mean to ok..i was suddenly feeling so mood..dun even kno how me n sara started tt dumbass topic so i tol him n after tt i was juz damn mood out...n then i almost cried again..i swear its so fucked up...i mean after i lyk shouted at my tamil tecaher i juz felt so guilty...but tt was seriously a wrong time to bug me...ughs..maybe i shld go say sorry..

evrybody keeps saying i can do it..but i think othrwise...evryone's lyk STUDY STUDY...how do i do tt wen i dun even kno whr to start frm??..whoa i really need help la..DIVINE INTERVENTION....

changed my skin tho the tagboard's a bit screwy..i think im gona try reverse psychology..nvm..no one knows wad im toking abt..

k im a bit upset wid my mum so i shall juz go off now........

i //young of the butterfly// you 7:48 PM

Sunday, October 23, 2005

omg...i din realise its alrdy the end of nov..n jo's bday is coming soon..n deepavali is coming soon n i haven done a SINGLE thing yet...this is wen i start feeling sad again...

PRIYA : ur not a tag flooder...well seeing ur tags make me happy so its a good thing..juz continue tagging aite...my tagboard LOVESSSSS u...

MEL : hey mel..well yea we can tok...i dun mind i guess.. (: ...hey mel cld u email me the brownie recipe if possible oso?...an ultimate chocolaty one...thanks...

got the deepavali clothes sorted out..i NEED to go BAKING in my cousin's hse lyk soon cuz if i dun my mum is gona die on deepavali..i think im gona bake my brownies..on fri..in suta's hse n stay over..n then bake MORE...cuz my mum hasnt done lyk anything...i wanted to help but i cant...n i need to invite people...n sort out a way to fetch them..

anyways yea for ppl who were wondering abt my outburst in the prev post..im fine now...perfectly ok... (:

i //young of the butterfly// you 7:49 PM

Thursday, October 20, 2005

does anyone UNDERSTAND and i mean UNDERSTAND wad im going thru??dya kno how much of confusion, anger, hurt, stupidity, fear im feeling??...does anybody fucking know??..yea evrybody is supportive of me..encouraging me...but dya understand????understand why im feeling all this why im so scared why im so upset why im so sad??

NO NO NO!!!!!!...i dun think anyone besides chris n priya understands...

i fucking failed my econs Jay..this is the FIRST time in my life im failing a subject n getting BELOW a 30 for it..and getting an F...how dya think tt makes me feel??..FINE?OK?...no...i duno y we keep quarrelling...y we keep juz MISUNDERSTANDING each othr..but im bloody sick of it ok...

im considered the smartest in my family..the first one amongst the cousins to have completed her Os n actually done VERY well in their eyes...the only one who will ever go to a JC n make it..ttz wad they all believe...dya haf any idea how much GUILT im feeling??...GUILT cuz wen i tol my mum i failed my econs she din shout she din scream..she DIN do ANYTHING...she wasnt angry...no she wasnt...she was juz DISAPPOINTED...u kno how bad tt made me feel?...ive been crying myself to slp evry night cuz of this guilt..she juz keeps telling me to study really hard for the supp paper n juz do my best...n she made a vow to do this 108 round thingy at the temple evryday till i do my exam or smth along those lines..dya kno how i felt???...dya kno HOW fucked up how guilty i feel??...does anyone fucking know??...god u guys dun understand n then assume im pissed wid u guys or im juz giving u guys attitude or tt im juz accepting my fate of retaining..

i DUNO whr to start studying frm..i DUNO how to study...i DUNO wads the best/most effective way of studying so tt i will get promoted...i DUNO...im confused..im scared...n y do u guys immediately assume im accepting my fate...NO i REFUSE to accept tt i will ever retain..i wana study..i wana do well.but i duno HOW and WHR to start from..ttz my problem..

i blew up at ash last night..fought wid jay juz while ago....god i duno wad to say...

im juz so scared tt now if i take the supp paper if thr is even gona be one i will fail it...n i will retain..im scared...yea i can study n mug n memorise n practise n do whatever....but wad if i fail again???....im really desperate u kno..i am...im gona go for tuition again tis sat...collect notes frm santhi aunti tis sat...i juz need ppl to be patient enough to listen to me...not get angry wid me wen im angry too...cuz now my mood/feeling r really super unpredictable..i smetimes dun even kno wad im feeling..all i kno is tt im really snappy cuz of this whole thing..i wana be promoted..i wana be..i mean evrybody else i kno is gona be promoted..except me..it makes me feel so stupid...i wana continue in a JC..i wana move on..i dun wana do a whole new syllabus...i dun want to ok...im on the verge of breaking down again....i juz want u guys to understand this....

i //young of the butterfly// you 8:26 PM

Monday, October 17, 2005

Your Ideal Relationship is Serious Dating

You're not ready to go walking down the aisle.But you may be ready in a couple of years.You prefer to date one on one, with a commitment.And while chemistry is important, so is compatibility.

What's" Your Ideal Relationship?

serious dating yes...VERY VERY serious...marriage...still thinking...

You are a Believer

You believe in God and your chosen religion.Whether you're Christian, Muslim, Jewish, or Hindu..Your convictions are strong and unwavering.You think your religion is the one true way, for everyone.

What's" Your Religious Philosophy?

believer yes..but my rtshp wid God is not really vry good..but i love God n God loves me...(:

Your Hidden Talent

You have the natural talent of rocking the boat, thwarting the system.And while this may not seem big, it can be.It's people like you who serve as the catalysts to major cultural changes.You're just a bit behind the scenes, so no one really notices.

What's" Your Hidden Talent?

tis i swear seems lyk a joke to me..

You Are 30% Boyish and 70% Girlish

Even if you're not a girl, you're very feminine.You're in touch with your feelings, and your heart rules you.A bit of a emotional roller coaster, one moment you're up and the next you're down.But no matter what, you try to be as cute and perky as possible.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

hmmmmmm...girly.....

Your Power Color Is Red-Orange

At Your Highest:
You are warm, sensitive, and focused on your personal growth.
At Your Lowest:
You become defensive and critical if you feel attacked.
In Love:
You are loyal - but you demand the respect you deserve.
How You're Attractive:
You are very affectionate and inspire trust.
Your Eternal Question:
"Am I Respected?"

What's" Your Power Color?

seems quite true...

You Are 40% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird...But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

tis is funny..

Slow and Steady

Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy.

They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder.

It'd really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment.

They expect you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then usually decide against it.

How Do People See You?

wad the hell...

Your Career Type: Investigative

You are precise, scientific, and intellectual.Your talents lie in understanding and solving math and science problems.
You would make an excellent:
Architect - Biologist - ChemistDentist - Electrical Technician - MathematicianMedical Technician - Meteorologist - PharmacistPhysician - Surveyor - Veterinarian The worst career options for your are enterprising careers, like lawyer or real estate agent.

What's" Your Ideal Career?

whrs GYNAECOLOGIST?????

Your Personality Profile

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant.Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle.You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs.
For you, comfort and calm are very important.You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection.You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

cool huh??

You're a Romantic Kisser

For you, kissing is all about feeling the romanceYou love to kiss under the stars or by the seaThe perfect kiss involves the perfect moodIt's pretty common for kisses to sweep you off your feet

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

hmmmmmm...romantic....

depressed being...im depressed...

i //young of the butterfly// you 9:41 PM

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

OMGGGGG im actually fricking SUNBURNT in my 17 yrs of life...all for my class.....OMG OMG OMG...MY FACE IS PEELINGGGGGG........OMG......IM DYING..ITS NOT NORMAL......IM GONA CRY.....PEELING....SANDPAPER FACE NOW I FRICKING KNOW HOW IT FEELSSSS....TAKE IT AWAY....I DUN LIKEEEEEEE...........THIS IS ME PANICKING LYK SHIT....OMGGGGGG.......FREAK...MY FACE IS GONA DROP OFF......................................HELP!

right now im so so so so fucking pissed at kotti...whr the f does he put his brains??in his arse??....gawd...shit man..tmw ive gotta cancel my PW meeting cuz of him..shit im so bloody pissed now...i cant NOT do my PW work..n i CANT not be thr....f la..arghsssssssssss.....

UNDRESSING STYLE!!
1) If you throw your clothes all over the place, you are a friendly, life-of-the-party type. You are free with your thoughts and opinions, not caring much about what others think of you. Your parents might think your room looks like a cyclone hit it? but it actually represents your happy, individualistic nature!
2) If you remove each piece of clothing and put it away carefully, you are a serious person who likes her life to be very calm. You are comfortable with routine, and you believe that the best way to deal with life's problems is to prevent them in the first place. You are a perfectionist. By nature you are quite shy. You are bservant and you know more about some people than they think, just because you've watched them. You are dependable and sometimes intense. You think carefully before making decisions. You go about your tasks methodically, with concentration. You know how to pay attention.
3) If you take off the shirt, and ten minutes later get around to the pants, you are an extremely self-confident person. You are naturally bright and intellectual. You are also a deep thinker who loves to ask questions and ponder the meaning of things. You hate being rushed and you do not like to be hassled. Usually you like a lot of free time for yourself.
4) If you get out of your clothes as quickly as possible, you are concerned about others and what they expect from you, but you're worried about your own needs. You are family-oriented, and stay extremely busy. You often feel stressed, but most of those heavy expectations come from your own head! Give yourself a break; you don't have to be perfect.
5) If you take off your rings, earrings, necklace, watch, etcetera before anything else, you are a warm and sensitive person. You are considerate and thoughtful, and you give good advice to your friends. You are a natural born romantic.
6) If you don't have an undressing routine and you never do it the same way twice, you are a very curious and interesting person. You enjoy a broad range of activities. You take risks and enjoy fun and adventure. You are very social.

i //young of the butterfly// you 6:55 PM

Monday, October 10, 2005

20 FACTS THINGIE

1.im emotional
2.hates CJ
3.am sunburnt [u cant see it on me but i can feel it]
4.thinks touch rugby is quite fun actually
5.wana be a doctor..a gynae to be precise.
6.wishing for money/scholarship/grant/whatever to go to aussie n study
7.i want mum to not work on wkends..feel vry insecure without her at hme.
8.am missing TUITION BABIES..esp ash n jefffffffffffff.....
9.am determined to shed off the extra FATS in my arms n thighs
10.am worried abt promos results
11.im lyk gona be priya's bridesmaid...(: (: (:
12.am planning my deepavali invitation list...hehe.. (:
13.likes one tree hill n gilmore girls
14.thinks tt oprah is the greatest woman alive
15.am feeling very troubled [i haven tol u stuff yet priya]
16.missing a lot of ppl..chris..ash..jeff..ANDDDDDDDDD IJ
17.am worried for priya for her art
18.thinks the world or rather Singapore is REALLY small..evrybody knows evrybody
19.am a pretty weird person..n ppl dun really understand me..
20. the best for the last....IM PRAVEENAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

haha...today was a GREAT day..our class girls showed a lot of team spirit..haha..touch rug was FUNNNNNNN...n its all thanks to william tt we did quite well actually....since we learned the game in sucha short time..pretty sweet of him to send us all tt sms n defend us all the time...haha...i had great fun today..n michelle actually reminded me the last time we came to CCAB we were both in the toilet bitching abt our class...n since then we haf come a LONG way....i mean tis time we were WITH the class..unlike the prev time...think its quite good la...juz ignoring SMEONE in class..cuz i HATE him....jerk......well got sunburnt today..feel it on my face..really bad...then after the whole thing SMELLY SMELLY me went to priya's hse to help her do her art...tmw we better complete the paper cut..feeling so worried...tmw i think will be going back to IJ...then go hme wid priya n do her stuff....come home sleep early n gotta go sch on wed i think...suckssssssssssssss......

cant wait to see ASHHHH BABYYYY tis sat....faster faster faster...jay we all need to go out soon oso k...so after ur promos we shall HAVOCCCCCCC.....

i //young of the butterfly// you 9:23 PM

Thursday, October 06, 2005

forgiveness...wad isit???...isit tt once i forgive a person i HAFTA return back to normal wid tt person or do i juz be nice to tt person??...isit tt once i forgive a person i am freeing myself frm tt bitterness/anger/hatred/whatever i haf for tt person??..so is forgiveness for myself or for tt person??..im confused...i duno...was watching oprah today n i was kinda wondering abt it...but oprah said tt to her forgiveness is the 2nd one...it doesnt necessarily mean u need to be nice to tt person or go back to normal...it wld be so muhc better if i can free myself frm tt hatred n hurt..i want to...but i duno how to go abt doing it..n i think God has been really gracious to me..after i lifted up all those rtshps to Him never once have i been irritated/bugged by those ppl...n i think its so gd...cuz i feel a bit freer now..

bought my bag today..designed the bangles..met teacher after a LOOOOONG time..kart is super smart..feel so dumb nxt to her...n sadly she wun be coming CJ nxt yr...n i bet she WILL go to VJ la...open hse tis sat..gona be wearing a damned sari..n no one i kno is coming...sad sad...n i think i'll be stuck in the hall...well its a gd thing since im gona be wearing a sari....n im gona be alone...

n priya im not deprived all k..all i want is a date wid my diary..duwan wid ppl all...

i //young of the butterfly// you 9:12 PM

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

PROMOS R OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!....................................................

went out today twice wid jay n priya n then lata on wid vasan..tmw going sadia hse to do the souvenir for open house...am not really looking forward to it,the open house i mean, cuz seems lyk no one i kno is coming so yea...i found my bag in bishan...im sure it has been thr for a damn long time...n no one wants it so hopefully no one in sch will haf the same bag...dun wana go around carrying the same adidas/puma bag evryone is carrying...

i wana keep myself free on fri n stay hm n ROT...n sleep n watch all that n oprah n totally spies n OTH n raven..YAY....omg!!!!!can u believe tis...im maddddddddddddddddd.....

n did i mention i bought two new tops today...am super happy...now i still want a whole lot more of stuff....but no cash n i shall be patient n save n not ask my mum for money...cuz i feel lyk the world's most horriblest daughter..n if anyone can find me a good paying job pls pls OH pls do inform me....n i cant wait for deepavali....money money money!!....but sadly ttz for christmas presents.....hais....

am missing chris..haven met her for a super long time la..k fine i met her on mon....but before tt..din meet her for so long..miss her n besides wid her work now she oso aint free...sad....maybe shld go n stayover tis fri or smth..toked ALOT wen we met on mon..met up for macs brkfast..pigged out lyk nobody's business..n talked abt EVERYTHING....funnnnnnn....then went clothes seeing...i need to bring her to see the shoes tt i lyk...n i saw this pumps in bata which i kinda lyk..they look so cute...n pointeds ive decided r so me.....well im all about CLASS...kk kidding kidding....priya u can read this n roll ur eyes n jay will prolly laugh or smth...

need to make a date wid my diary....a long sexy intimate one...

i //young of the butterfly// you 10:39 PM

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

right now i duno wad to think..im in shock..a lot..my cousin's got a job transfer to canada...n well if it was my dad's side i prolly wldnt bother cuz im only close to a few of them...but it's my mum's side...and i juz duno wad to say....none of us r gona send her off...we aint gona haf a gathering...wtf.....im pissed...i may not be vry close to her but my mum's side is really small n close..we r all close..n she is leaving...for god knows how long since she has to train the staff thr which wld prolly take sme time n the fing restaurant has to be built oso..god...wtf man wtf..

i //young of the butterfly// you 8:52 PM