Thursday, May 31, 2007
i am so fucked up.i spent the WHOLE day out with BELOVED people.people who seriously make me DAMN happy and all.and yet after i came home and saw my mother,she just made me want to cry the rest of the night away.what the hell is she man?may i fucking know WHEN this relationship turned SO DAMN sour that i cannot even approach her or talk to her.my emotions are at such a low right now.
i seriously think me and my mother SO need to start from scratch.i am so fucking sick of this.i seriously am.my own mother cannot even understand me.
honestly DUH i am jealous of niva who seems to have such a good relationship with her parents.both her mother and father who care for her.and working with her for 5 months has definitely showed me how much they care for her.whereas my parents over here they just chuck me in this super majorly fucked up world and expect me to survive WITHOUT even the slightest help.
fuck it.you bitch about EVERYBODY ELSE'S parents to me.then fucking be a damn parent to me before you fucking bitch dammit.what do you even know about my life to begin with?all you can say about me is these few things
1.i am ugly - you remind me about this EVERYTIME you can get or whenever i dress up.
2.i am hot tempered - what the damn fuck about you?
3.i got a lot of moodswings - hey fucking check yourself first ok??
i really want to just sit down and pull out all the hair from my head,scream,ram myself SO DAMN hard into the wall.i so bloody want to just do something to vent my anger damn it.
i am 19 and in these 19 years of fucking life i have managed to screw up my relationship with BOTH my parents.OMFG!i am so damn fucked up man.so damn fucked up.
i //young of the butterfly// you 12:13 AM
Monday, May 28, 2007
right about now.i cannot feel anything.i feel like a rollercoaster of emotions are running through me over and over again.aptly put i feel my whole body going up and down and up and down and up and down.i feel like i am about to throw up and cry and laugh and fucking hit something all at the same time.
i am in no mood to work tomorrow although it is going to be my first day.
i am in no mood to talk to my mum because i know she would never ever understand.
i am in no mood to face my family because they happen to think i am a fucking disgrace.
i still wish i had the courage to kill myself and actually SUCCEED in it.
i wish the throbbing pain in my right arm would go away just for a few hours.
i wish i could have made my parents proud of me forever.
i wish my parents never ever had to suffer.
i wish i could die and rid them of one burden.
my dad and mum both hate me and wish they had never given birth to me.
i wish that both my dad and mum had never given birth to me.
i wish that God had thought a HUNDRED times before making me their daughter.
i am the BIGGEST disgrace in my family.
i feel so ashamed of myself.
i feel like going back two years and doing it all over again.
i feel like dying.
i feel like the BIGGEST failure.
i feel like i have nothing left in the world.
i feel like i have nothing to fall back on.
i feel like i am fucked.
finally i just want to cry to my parents and tell them how sorry i am for failing them so badly.i want to cry to them and tell them that no matter what i do i would still take care of them and love them.but alas my mother would NEVER EVER understand how i am feeling.she would never understand that i feel this way.she would never understand.she thinks i think that everything is a big joke.they would never see the other side of me and congratulate me for that or praise or encourage me for that.they will never.
i am just a failure.nothing but a failure.
i //young of the butterfly// you 8:58 PM
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Come stop your crying
It will be all right
Just take my hand
Hold it tight
I will protect you
from all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry
For one so small,
you seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry
Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart,
always
Why can't they understand
the way we feel
They just don't trust
what they can't explain
I know we're different but,
deep in side us
We're not that different at all
And you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
Don't listen to them
Cause what do they know
We need each other,
to have, to hold
They'll see in time
I know
When destiny calls you
You must be strong
I may not be with you
But you've got to hold on
They'll see in time
I know
We'll show them together
Cause you'll be in my heart
Believe me, you'll be in my heart
I'll be there from this day on
Now and forever more
Oh, you'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart, always
Always
I'll be with you
I'll be there for you always
Always and always
Just look over your shoulder
Just look over your shoulder
Just look over your shoulder
I'll be there
Always
YOU'LL BE IN MY HEART - PHIL COLLINS
i //young of the butterfly// you 9:23 PM
Monday, May 14, 2007
i think i have let go of the anger and hatred today.i was just feeling so resigned after crying everything out last night.i absolutely fucking HATE god.i mean it.and this is one reason why i will NEVER EVER believe in Him again.i cannot do it because it is too painful.
on saturday morning,my father fell down somewhere.he fell on the leg on which he limps on.i fucking hate You for that God.upon hearing that when i woke up,these were the few thoughts that were running through my mind : "when he fell did anybody help him up or were people just laughing at him?what happened to him?how did he fall?".what the fuck do You think God?You think i hate my father and i do not care anymore is it?for Your fucking information i still do.i LOVE him like i love NO other.there was NO goddamn bloody fucking reason for You to do that to him.so why are You punishing him for?what did he do to You?honestly speaking God if I were in my dad's position,i wouldn't have a single ounce of faith in You because You have done nothing but trouble him since young age.he was born with a limp.his younger brother died at a young age.he never managed to come up in life.almost all his friends played him out.worst of all God SO DAMN MANY people criticised him.so how much more do You want to fucking test him?
i remember on saturday morning when i first heard that the first thing i did was curse and swear at God because i was fuming mad.when my dad came home,i realise he could not even walk properly.i hate You God.i really do.it was so damn painful and hurting for me to see him go through all that.too much for me to handle.i just could not.
what the fuck do You want from me?if You are not going to let my family prosper,then let me know.because at the rate You are going God it seems like you are going to absolutely fuck up all our lives.i am so sick of it.every morning/day when i pray,i pray NEVER for myself.i always ask that You keep my parents safe and that You ensure that nothing bad happens to them.same thing i pray for whenever i have the free time.and look at what You did.You expect me to have 100% faith in You after that and commit my life to You.NO WAY!For all you know You may decide to take their lives.i cannot believe in You anymore.i just cannot.i tried for a LONG time and really You have done nothing but mess things up SO BAD for me.and now You do this to my father.i cannot.
but after everything,let me just say this.it is so tiring to hate God.it is so tiring to curse and swear at You all the time.it is equally tiring to sit down and have thoughts of my father consume my mind.it is also tiring to think about my father and start crying and never stop.i wish You had been kinder to him and been more merciful.i wish You had let him prosper and make him better.
i feel so sad for my father because i know that his leg is becoming more painful each day.the one he limps on.it is getting more obvious.and i am feeling very scared for him.nowadays i worry more whenever he gpes to work.i will not be able to take it if anything happens to me.which is why i am having the most fucked up time now.i am worried sick and i have done nothing but curse God and cry like hell.
i hate You God.i really really do.
i //young of the butterfly// you 9:51 PM
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
i am majorly screwed up right now.i don't know what is happening with my body.but a few hours ago i knew that if i were to eat anything,i would probably puke everything out.but now..my stomach is growling as if there will never be another time for it to growl.and guess what?my mum does not usually stock up on snacks so there is nothing to eat at home.
excuse my absence from this blogging for a few more days.because as a 'teacher' i have 4 classes of scripts to mark and i am about 70% through and besides that i need to find time to do my portfolio.so thank you everybody for willing to be my model.i will be missing for quite awhile.
doing a portfolio is REALLY REALLY time consuming and very troublesome especially for someone like me.but i guess after you see the fruit of your labour there is no limit to the satisfaction you feel.but i know that i will definitely be putting my heart and soul into this portfolio.
and i am thinking of taking up the cosmoprof diploma in make up.not the expensive one but the 3k one.my mum herself actually suggested it.and i will be paying for it out of my own earnings.so i guess i will know the importance of it.but nothing is confirmed because i am still thinking about it.will anybody actually EVER hire me to do their make up for them??will anybody actually EVER hire me to do photography/bridal make up??....then again there goes my dream of being the MODEL for someone.now i am going to be doing the make up for the model.but it is quite cool come to think of it. (:
cousin's wedding coming up in about 2 weeks.it is going to be another major rush since it is a friday wedding.and it is all the way in jurong.God so far!!!but then i HAVE to go because i am carrying some oil lamp thingy for her.hais.why do i have this feeling i will make a fool out of myself in front of everybody?oh right.that is because i ALWAYS do.
i realised i CANNOT stand loneliness or having no one to talk to.past 2 nights i have been coming home after everyone is asleep or when one of them is watching TV.but they won't talk to me.and in any case if i come home after they are asleep,i really will not have anybody to talk to.and yesterday was just so bad.but i fell asleep before i could mess my mind up.thank God for that.it just sucks not talking to anyone in the family.
ok i just realised the damn time is 0020 hours.i should have been at least 35 minutes into my sleep by now.so i am disappearing now.i shall be back in a few more days with more 'reflections' as mel says. (:
i //young of the butterfly// you 12:04 AM