Friday, February 23, 2007
22nd feb 07..my grandaunty passed away..
i don't know how to explain the feeling..
when i got the call from my mum after niva's BTT i cried on the spot..but i tried my best to be ok..then i went to the house..i had no guts to actually go and see her face..till the end i did not..i only saw her when they carried the body past me..yesterday i was fine..i managed not to cry in the house..but i cried myself to sleep..
what really shattered my heart was seeing my father cry..never in my life have i seen him cry..i cannot recall him crying at his father's funeral..really cannot remember..but when i saw my father crying that was what shattered my heart..i saw it again today and i felt totally like crap..
today i could not hold back the tears..i cried..i felt sad..because she is gone..she won't be there at anymore family gatherings..her body has been cremated..what is left is the ashes..everything is lost..
i felt sad because this is the first time after 19 years im actually experiencing a funeral where i KNOW what is happening..and it is a family member..i just cannot cry it out at home i don't know why..i feel like they wouldn't really understand..
i feel sad hearing what my relatives said..'you won't be here to see my wedding''who else do i have besides you'its just damn saddening..for my aunty it was her mum passing away..it must have been so heart wrenching..really..and for my cousins their grandmother..for me it was my grandaunty but even then it was a family member..
the sucky part is that the last memories i ever have of her were from dec 27th..how sick and small and frail she was..how she hugged and kissed me even in that condition..the other memories they are there..but the most recent one..it hurts really..
now she is really gone..nothing of her is left..i will not be seeing her at anymore family gatherings..she is gone..
the way my grandmother cried also broke my heart...it was her sister..her sibling..she had no strength to go down and see the body off..i don't know how she could do that..but i guess she has her reasons..i would have felt so guilty and upset if i had not gone for the funeral or not gone down to see the body off..
my brother told me that he overheard my auntie telling someone else this..two or three days before my grandaunty's passed away she saw a boy sitting near her..a ghost in literal sense..well apparently the boy was her long ago deceased son..and i think indians or rather hindus actually believe that when a dying person starts seeing dead relatives,his/her death time is very near..i just wish my mum had gone over more often to visit and see her..i wish we had some other warning..really i wish..
i really cannot explain things anymore..a part of me will definitely miss her..family gatherings will always remind me of her..and there is another thing that just struck me..my other two grandmothers are getting old..
i need to cry everything out..the sadness..how much i am going to miss her..i need to cry to somebody..i just need someone here with me..someone to be here without me asking..
i //young of the butterfly// you 11:08 PM
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUHAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUHAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR DENESHHAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU (: (: (:you know its always worth it when you surprise someone and they really appreciate it..i feel so happy and satisfied..well my dearest denesh was damn blur even when i kept asking her where she was..finally she found us at her void deck and we did not even light the candles and prepare the cake..so we just went up to her house and did it for her there..well it was only me niva and her..but oh well DENESHWARI D/O smth..I LOVE YOU ALWAYS AND IM SO BLESSED TO HAVE YOU AS MY FRIEND..cannot wait for next thursday..more bitching and talking to do..I LOVE YOU ALWAYS ALWAYS.. (: i really miss her man..thank God i met her and got to know her better..i wish she could be done with her A levels like NOW!!!
getting a little TOOOOOO comfortable with each other is not always a good thing..look at where we ended up?
my tall dark and drop dead gorgeous king invited me to his birthday party this saturday..but very very unfortunately vasan's not going which means im highly unlikely to go as well..which VERY VERY VERY UNFORTUNATELY means one less chance to try and seduce him..so sad..im in love with him i swear..well anyway HAPPY AND BLESSED 21st TO YOU..ENJOY YOUR PARTY HAVE FUN WITH YOUR FRIENDS AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND..it is indeed a pity i am never going to have a shot with you you oh-so drop dead gorgeous hunky tall sexy king..
ok im done professing my love for my KING..
i had this weird dream of bose..and in a very odd sense i miss that guy..and the dream was equally weird..well yea somehow i just miss him quite a bit..and how weird was it that in the dream we had SO MUHC to talk about but in real life most to most we exchange civil words??
and i have been meaning to call francesca for a bloody long time..but i keep forgetting..i should get down to it now..
BYE ALL..please tell my king i love him forever and ever..
i //young of the butterfly// you 9:05 PM
Sunday, February 18, 2007
JAN:hapyp valentine's day to you to darling..hope you had fun..anyway glad that i saw you that day and that you could come for the movie..during your march holidays we better be meeting up MORE often ok..love you always babe..
CHITZ:hey darling..happy valentine's day to you too. (: hope you been doing good babe..love you as well..
i was being a total bitch to thad juz awhile ago AFTER zana told me not to..well..i AM a bitch..period..please don't expect me to be fine after hurting my damned feelings with the stupid dumbass things you say..n you know what??..don't bother asking me to tell you what the mistake is..because if i do then there won't be any need for us to talk already..i was thinking of calling thad actually but the past few days/nights haf been really hectic..i had just finished showering when he called..and well he had to tolerate my fucking attitude once again..i just don't know what to say..zana told me to explain myself..but when i was actually talking to him i just knew that i couldn't do it without actually crying..which is why i didn't bother..and i mean even if i had actually told thad what was it that offended me what difference would it have made??..no fucking difference..why??..because they will probably do it again..so whats the point?..i mean what the fuck..i have been through hurt after hurt..pain after pain..this is bloody nothing..im just going to force myself to push it to the back of my mind..don't think i actually wana see or talk to them for awhile..it just fucking doesnt matter..
this brings me back to a point..NO guy will EVER EVER understand me..NO good guy actually exists..good guys exist ONLY to their girlfriends..other than that most guys as friends are just crap..it doesnt matter to me whether all the guys are like tt because i have been meeting fuckers from the time i was 14..i gave up on finding for a good guy quite sometime back..so forget it man..don't really see any reason to keep in touch because i am only going to get more n more difficult..it would be better for you guys to just go lead your happy lives without me there..
spent almost half the day in NUS..for that sports spectra thing..since CJ had actually sent in one team for netball..i decided to go down and support them with niva..so we went..had quite a bit of fun..and this was the first time seeing chris play netball..haha..NP's netball spares no one..quite cute actually..and CJ's team was such a contrast..they just like went there just to have fun...anyway spent time with all precious people today..so i am ok i guess..
after that went to suta's hse..as usual we didn't spend enough time there..but had a bit of fun..putting henna for them..toking and crapping..then went home slightly late..
friday had my cousin's ROM..i think everything actually went well..surprisingly..no jam..no problems nothing..just that the transport was ultra small and that we were so cramped up..but it was good spending time with the beloved sathesh.. (: (: (: (: well all in all things were fine..
i //young of the butterfly// you 12:01 AM
Sunday, February 04, 2007
i feel very sick to the stomach..
im still trying to reply chris's email which is not easy to do at all cuz i honestly duno wad to say..n im guessing that the **** on my tagboard is chris..i vry much WISH i had the guts to call u n tok to u..but i kno i wun be able to do tt without crying or getting angry so no pnt in creating another misunderstanding..
ive been thru enough heartache and hurt these past few days that i duno how to describe this feeling..
i think abt my rtshp wid God..i pray in times of need..i pray to thank Him..i pray juz to tok to Him...yea i pray sometimes many times in a day..or once in 3 days..but fact is everytime i pray,He does not seem to reply..so how do u expect me to believe He exists?
i //young of the butterfly// you 8:59 PM