i thought i was the only mad one around..but udaya oso feels the same...abt our parents n stuff...i duno la..wen i heard her say it today i felt vry reassured tt i wasnt the only one feeling this way..my parents never attended any PTMs in my entire life..till i came to JC..n the teachers made it so difficult n if parents din come down they had to come down another day n all tt shit..so last yr my mum started coming..n tmw she is coming again..but im not scared or anything whereas evrybody is..cuz i kno my mum doesnt really care..she doesnt even wana come down tmw actually...i think she is only coming cuz i forced her..anyway evrytime she says she doesnt wana come i still get affected..she wana come oso i feel affected smehow..i juz duno wad to do wid them anymore..
PMS/monthly visitor starting really soon..im gona be more of a bitch than i alrdy am..hais..i juz feel it..
n im doing it once again..i did it yest juz for the fun of it..can u believe it..i laughed..cried..n i duno wad else i did..ive been breaking down EVERY single night since the time sch started..can u imagine?...its retarded rite?..i feel so stupid but yet i juz hafta brk down...been so mentally/physically/emotionally drained these 2 wks...had a tok wid miss chia yest..thank God i din cry in front of her..i wld haf felt so stupid...hais..nvm la..i am stupid anyways..
right now am toking to yipin online..n its been so long..can u believe it 9mths alrdy...she's been thr..hais..i miss evrything so badly...hais...the old frenships..the old times...IJ..can u imagine EVERY single thing i kno has changed..so much...n now things r all new to me..n i feel lyk im putting myself in too deep once again..well it always happens rite..
i haf so much to say..so little time...time's seriously running out n im still lagging behind..i laugh at myself cuz i seriously AM pathetic..its quite bad actually..but funny wen u think abt it..
i got more things to say but i dun wana say it here anymore..so bye ppl..
e tear is her way of expressing her joy,her sorrow,her pain,her disappointment,her love,her loneliness,her grief n her pride.
i //young of the butterfly// you 10:41 PM
Monday, March 27, 2006
i was in sch..having a very normal sch day...n then suddenly i either fainted or had an asthma attack..but it seemed more lyk an asthma attack..n then i blacked out...n by the time my eyes were open SOMEONE was carrying me to a 'safer' place..n i looked at the person n i realised it was HIM..evryone around us was juz staring..no one was bothering to help..except for the fact tt smeone was calling the ambulance..n my maths teacher stood thr staring at the both of us as if we had done smth really illegal in sch...n HE was trying to ensure i was ok..toking to me..getting my inhaler...patting my back..n then i WOKE UP...
well yea it was a dream but it had this impact on me..i felt vry weird after tt...but then again i din think abt it until i saw HIM in sch on mon..n so i asked my fren wad it cld haf meant...n she said tt tis cld be a warning as to wad might happen in the future...as in me having one of those 'episodes'..whatever it is i hope it aint nothing serious..i juz dun lyk dreams la..they make u think n ponder...
well anyway today first ICS meeting wid the J1 indians..well it was quite funny la..not many...actually VERY few J1s turned up..anwyays im sure the J2s had lotsa fun themselves la..haha..crapping..esp wid keerthi thr...gosh!...hilarious man...had a gd laugh today la...but after tt i duno mood went downhill again..i think cuz i started toking abt family..sucked man..sucked..hais..came home..n felt lyk shit...well i will get over it anyway..
ive realised the freedom n joy wearing singlets give u..hahaha..a bit crazy...stole all my bros singlets since he aint wearing them...n im wearing them now..it feels so free n much much cooler...
well been toking to KART lately n i realised how much i miss tuition..i wana go back wid all of us...i remember thr wld be somedays wen we ALL wld be thr...the crap we will crap..the tok we will tok..mans i miss it..i miss kart..i miss ash..i miss jeff..n thank God jay n jan r still here...n its also been smetime since i updated jan on my life..haha..but met her last wk..was quite happy to haf met her n jay n toked things n stuff...felt so good..must meet jay n jan lyk many many times before jan starts poly n before jay leaves..but thrs still a LONG time for tt.. (:
had my first driving on sun..it was [unexpectedly]fun n [expectedly]scary...haha...but my left thigh was quite tired frm pressing the clutch...i CANT wait to use auto...but then again for the actual test i gotta use a manual..so yea..gotta get used to it rite...bleahs...i tol my auntie abt it cuz she's the only female whom i kno who has her driving license..so i tol her abt it..n she tol me wen i drive i juz gotta relax..n NEVER EVER feel nervous or scared..i guess i gotta do tt la..i was super tensed n nervous for the first lesson tt i cldnt keep my eye on the road..i KEPT looking at the speedometer n the technometer [now dya guys kno wad im tokign abt?] ....anyways...yea..n the instructor kept reminding me to look up..n yea it was kinda fun taking charge of the wheels..lyk the min i got into the driver's seat, i got reminded of priya's mum cuz she drives the car..n then i kept getting reminded of how she started the car n how she checked the mirrors n drove so confidently on the roads...she was SUPER careful on the roads i realised...hoping tt i can be as confident as her wen i drive nxt time...on the roads..thinking abt it is quite funny la..HAHAHA...sorry.. (:
also going for bhindo's 21st made me realise how much i miss IJ...i remember the ICS meetings we used to haf u kno..n then last time a grp of us wld go to the desert shop near sch n eat the ice kachang n tok n haf so much fun..the SUPER fun ICS meetings whr the grp was quite big..i think the best yr was wen i was in sec 1..tt was wen ananthi bhindo indhu n all were thr..n i remember the morn train rides to sch..wid the cedar bitches n VS dogs in the same carriage...man i miss those times..n then we'd always meet outside sch n then go in together...it made IJ a really great place...n wen i went for bhindo's party all the memories came back..how much we all haf grown..she's alrdy 21..n im 18 alrdy...we're all so big...hais.n seeing chitra...i really felt bad for not toking much to her..gosh i miss her SO much n i mean it...its been so long since i toked to her or smsed her or went out wid her or chatted wid her online..hais..oh n looking on the bright side of life MR CRUSH was thr..OMG!!!!!!!!!!...lyk OMG!!!!!!...haha...i shld be really grateful to bhindo for putting us at the same table..hahahahahaha..it was fun stealing glances at/of him time to time...n i SHLD haf taken a foto wid him before i left...so wasted...hais....but he is so MAJORLY hot man...TALL DARK N HANDSOME...MY KING!!!.....hais...n if only zana had given me the chance of sitting nxt to him....haha..quite thick skinned ah i..(: well its MR CRUSH n i wun be seeing him anymore until maybe at ananthi's or bhindo's wedding or smth...or unless he decides to come to CJ to say hi to us..which i doubt he will..oh MR CRUSH wen will u ever realise im in love wid u...hehehehe..no la..not love all..juz superly HOT eye candy..nobody's good to look at anymore...haha..signs of boredom by the way..
i //young of the butterfly// you 11:40 PM
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
u kno tis kinda stupid cuz i kno why im feeling this way but its kinda impossible for me to say it out..n wen i tell ppl they laugh it off or tell me to juz forget it..i duno but im starting to feel depressed again..its not a vry nice feeling really..i oso duno...i feel lyk i need to cry but i juz feel tt i cant anymore..n im starting to distance myself frm ppl somemore...its horrible..but im doing it again..back to square one again i guess...
u kno at this time again i feel lost..so lost..but im not changing or doing anything abt it...cuz i really haf no clue wad to do..man..it really sucks...i mean i really dun understand life...its juz so damn bloody complicated..n im really quite sick of it u kno..i mean wtf la im 18 n im still so fricking childish..i really hate it..i mean wen i try to do smth to change i juz end up failing..failing..and failing..so wad the fuck?...i mean to try n try n then keep failing is seriously vry draining...
n family situation isnt exactly helping...got a lot of shit frm parents..i juz feel so disgustd by wad they said..i feel so worthless n screwed up..i feel lyk im the biggest mess in the whole world...n my bro said smth vry insulting to me last wk..tt hurt so bad...n yea it juz keeps ringing in my head..kinda stupid rite..but yea..its juz thr...maybe i juz shldnt bother at all..but then again its not the first time my bro's saying it to me..
well anyway..its kinda freaky..was checking my email halfway while typing this post...i got this email smetime ago titled SOMETHING BOTHERING YOU?...well i juz opened it now...n i guess it did 'speak' to me..n i rem was hafiz tol me last wk..'always look at ppl who r inferior than u..ppl who haf lesser than u do..then in tt way u'll realise how fortunate u actually are..'..i guess its true in evry way possible..i mean yea wen i see ppl ard me who r inferior n all tt...i appreciate my stuff for awhile..then after smetime evrything goes wrong again...i seriously duno how to cope wid tt..
i think the bottomline is tt if u dun believe in a GOD,its gona be very difficult to live ur life..i mean since young i always believed tt God existed..i did stray away frm religion but i still somehow believed...but now at this age i truly dun believe tt a God exists..n even if He does,He doesnt lyk me..but then again i believe in nothing..i seriously cant find anything to believe in...so maybe i understand y im so lost..well coming to terms wid it sure isnt easy..but i guess i'll live..
n i think i juz gotta stop bugging ppl..n anyways i hope wad im doing is right...
i //young of the butterfly// you 9:40 PM
Sunday, March 19, 2006
i //young of the butterfly// you 12:39 AM
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
i //young of the butterfly// you 10:35 PM
i //young of the butterfly// you 10:35 PM