im a lil butterfly (:

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

i think my blog's kinda dying..bit by bit..haha..

anyway i toked to him on mon..finally...it felt lyk i was getting a BIG load off my chest...n thank God he was so damn understanding abt evrything..n thr i was paranoid tt he wld get angry wid me...but well he din get angry n things r more normal now so im rather happy..n as long as we both dun haf a prob wid each othr im sure things will be fine.. (:

went home wid denesh today..had a nice long talk wid her..nice..well im hoping tt fri evrything will go well for her...i really look upto her for doing this...n i hope tt no one gives her any problems on fri..well im going down..hope sara n the rest comes too..well anyway wid denesh..haha...she tol me smth...haha..n i found tt really funny..but she will so die if she mentions it in front of the whole grp..haha..but i kno she wun..

today sch was pretty boring..fahy's lesson was kinda interesting tho..the whole seating arrangement..more diff to slp lyk tt i think...n its a record cuz he hasnt called me at all for the past 2 wks..n i felt really rotten for slping during ms chok's lesson...felt bad really..well im gona make sure i do my work n give it to her..slept the whole of brk..God...was so damn fricking tired...my biological clock is taking its toll on me...n tt sucks..

haven been staying back for night study..i think im really too tired to stay back anymore..tmw got tuition tho..irritating...come back n shall attempt to be productive...'napped' for 2 hrs wen i came hme today...sucked man..well i shall stay up lata...hehe..

anyway juz gave zana 'a poison tree' poem to help me translate..juz wana compare both hers n hafiz's n then maybe combine..n zana sent me tis irritating sms...ur gona die for tt u kno u fool..

sometimes somethings wun even let me cry.
"he loves me but he wun say it...oh why?"
"but ur eyes are speaking, in silence ur seeking!"

im toking to mel rite now online abt *...haha...mel mel..thanks so much for listening to me bitch n being thr n understanding wen i need it..well at least im honest wid her..cant really be honest wid the rest..cuz its kinda embarrassing...but mel understands.. (: i needed to get all this off my chest n toking to mel helps..(: thanks mel...n anyways MEL JO ME got a date on sat...lunch n neoprints n MANY MANY MANY photos..we shall take ok..PLENTY..haha..YAY!!!...i cant wait..n its thurs tmw..faster come SAT...n i hope jamal takes me for driving again on sat..

i //young of the butterfly// you 9:02 PM

Saturday, April 22, 2006

the feeling of hatred was so goddamn fcking strong today..God...PE today juz sucked..i wanted to throw the fcking basketball in his fcking face..i wanted to punch him so bad...i wanted to SPIT at him..n i wanted to call him a FCKING BASTARD...wtf is wrong wid his fcking shitface...u kno 'failing' my napfa once again makes me feel lyk the biggest fcking loer on the face of tis earth..n i guess i will CONTINUE being a failure...i mean i juz wanted a silver for my NAPFA..nothing else..n juz cuz of pull ups i cldnt get it..well fine..if ttz the case then so be it...im juz a fcking failure n a fcking loser...n its juz me i cannot accept the failing n losing part...esp wen i set a proper standard for myself...i still cant achieve it..im a fcking loser...i went to the toilet n cried...i shld haf juz rebelled n stayed thr the whole PE lesson...motherfucker..i hate him i swear..i juz hate him..

after sch had to go for my BTT...i swear i panicked the whole time...tt was another reason y i broke down earlier on in the day...but then haha..i PASSED it miraculously...was so happy tt i forgot to be happy..but anyway yea..i need to apply for my PDL asap...but dun think i'll be allowed on the roads anyway..hehe..cuz i might cause an accident..

anyway been spending PLENTY of time wid niva tis wk..u kno after wad i heard frm her being wid her gives me a sense of security..n we've had LOADS of catching up to do..well now tt things r bit clearer i guess im a bit clearer as well..but anyhow im still a bit confused n messed up..im scared...its a bit hard to let go wen uve lyk put almost evrything in it...it is difficult..n i guess ttz how it is for me..i knew i wld be hurt but i din kno tis soon...haha..quite funny actually..but im not hurt to the pnt of depression..not worth it..but yea..thank God nives caught me before i fell..thankful for tt really..

went out wid my class girls yest...was really fun..haha...i enjoyed myself i did...n we toked abt quite a lot of stuff esp 1T09..n i found out tt they knew abt my old blog add..quite funny u kno actually..i duno..i hated the class so much last yr..but tis yr suddenly evrything is so much better..i was really so so surprised..n even now wen i think abt it i find it pretty funny tt i hated it so much last yr..maybe its the overall environment..evrything's changed tis yr honestly...but i think maybe the biggest change was having denesh n kohila here..it makes me really VERY happy to see them in sch evryday..i guess ttz y things in CJ changed..

looking forward to the band concert tmw..seeing nives n sara play..needing to buy them chocs n flowers...n im toking to ish online now..he is damn entertaining seriously...n ohoh the convo juz got deep.... ):

i //young of the butterfly// you 12:18 AM

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

HELLO PANDA tastes different in sch n at hm...eating one packet rite now while doing my work...thank God they aren't broken into pieces.. (:

anyways today was relatively fine i guess..juz din tok much..

anyways mel here's quoting u.....

happy sappy saturday:
you smile so prettily
happy sappy saturday:
ure teeth are white!
happy sappy saturday:
and so sweet smile

happy sappy saturday:
not ugly
happy sappy saturday:
i love you
happy sappy saturday:
so pretty
happy sappy saturday:
ure a superstar

happy sappy saturday:
sex on legs
happy sappy saturday:
sexy sexy legs.
happy sappy saturday:
hotbod
happy sappy saturday:
best smile.
happy sappy saturday:
sweet pretty eyes
happy sappy saturday:
overall 9/10

haha..quite funny...but I LOVE U MEL..N U TOO JO..

i //young of the butterfly// you 1:35 AM

Sunday, April 16, 2006

[edit]

another screw up juz happened..my BT trial has expired so i HAFTA retake the BT trial in order to take my BTT...so now i hafta re-study my theory ALL over again..my goodness..im really gona brk down..tis whole driving thing SUCKS really...its draining me so badly...the theory part esp..oh man..how fcked up can tis get?..n anybody willing to follow me for my BTTs??...i think im gona need the support...

[edit]

had my 2nd driving today...good Lord...u haf ANY idea how goddamn fricking demoralised i was after driving..i wanted to juz throw myself in front of a car n knock myself down or smth..i felt SO SO SO stupid..i stalled the car EIGHT-FUCKING-TEEN times today..18!!!!! on the goddamn 2nd lesson wen i only stalled it 4-5 times the 1st lesson...its seriously the damned fear ttz stopping me frm progressing...n i swear if they bring me on the roads,im gona be the FIRST student to make history by causing an accident..I SWEAR...i felt so damn physically-emotionally-mentally drained after tt..i wanted to CRY my eyes out for torturing myself..i wasnt even paying attn to wad the instructor was saying..i was TOO focused on the road...i din even kno tt he was actually asking me questions...could u believe tt?...hello praveena wad the HELL is wrong wid u?..seriously..u haf no damned idea how STUPID i felt..i really wanted to cry so badly cuz i felt so useless...n i hate the DAMNED clutch...fck tt shit man..seriously...my left thigh HURTS frm pressing it ALL the time..n the instructor today made me feel demoralised n stupid...he said tt i had no initiative cuz i din change gear myself unless he told me to..DUH!...i was too frightened to even use the 2nd gear ok...do u haf any idea how nervous i am?..i mean seriously u can fcking change to 2nd gear within lyk 3 secs...im SLOW n NERVOUS n SCARED n evrything else ok..i CANT do it yet...god driving SERIOUSLY scares the shit out of me esp wen i see the othr cars around me..i mean im scared of being the one who causes the accident...n he made me change lanes today..myself..tt one made me PANIC lyk hell kaes..cuz i was supposed to check ALL the mirrors to make sure i wasnt gona hit any cars...but tt seriously slipped my mind so i din..n he was telling me in an impatient voice..GOODNESS pls be patient wid me i beg of u...i REALLY wana learn driving but i AM stupid n slow so pls be patient...seriously DUN use tt tone on me cuz it makes me feel SO damn bloody stupid,useless n demoralised..ARGHS!!!..how am i EVER gona learn?..my auntie's really nice..she says tt one day she is gona lend me her car n my uncle knows whr we can prac so he is gona bring me thr one day n help me..cuz he knows how to drive a lorry,van,bike,car,EVERYTHING ok...so he is gona help me..thank God..

so grandma's back..am really SOOOOOOOOOO happy...got NEW saris too..but UNFORTUNATELY they're green..i HATE green..bloody hell..mother la...HELLOOOO...PRAVEENA'S LYK IN LOVE WID PINK...GET ME A PINK SARI WILL U??....anyways yea..n my grandma's staying for long long...which is really good.. (: anyway yest bday's celebration was ok..but i was hurt by wad they all said abt me...well...the ones u love the MOST haf the power to hurt u the MOST as well..n wad they said made my self esteem go even lower than the lower it alrdy is...so yea..i feel lyk fuck once again..i feel ugly n fat n stupid n useless..

my biological clock is ALL screwed up..not enough rest AT ALL...eating WAY too much..stressed out again..migraines...cough n phlegm still NOT going away..really feeling SO stressed up...duno whether to stay for night study anymore...

finally kart came online after SO long...n

~*SlAcKeR*~...r u mad?? haha sounds familiar?...omg i cant believe she sed tt!! says:
y shld u hav a low self esteem
~*SlAcKeR*~...r u mad?? haha sounds familiar?...omg i cant believe she sed tt!! says:
ur're pretty...
~*SlAcKeR*~...r u mad?? haha sounds familiar?...omg i cant believe she sed tt!! says:
ur're funny.....cute... great fren hu'll b ther wen no one else is...
~*SlAcKeR*~...r u mad?? haha sounds familiar?...omg i cant believe she sed tt!! says:
u approach evrything in a mindset tt u cn do it n u r gonna do it...

im so touched she said all tt cuz it made me feel happier...n sara really made my day last night..how ironic but at least tt sad mood was lifted...im glad tt thr are SOME ppl who actually haf tt small bit of faith in me..n yea ive been hurt again by ppl...haha..i duno y i bother wid them...kart said they cld be faking it or maybe they were judging me based on 1 incident..i really duno wad it is n y they said all those shit abt me...but im juz trying to ignore it..i mean after all they are NOT tt impt to me...n now i kno wad shits they are so y bother heeding them?.

well anyways back to sch tmw.. :(

i //young of the butterfly// you 8:27 PM

Saturday, April 15, 2006

[edit]
im a

-LIL SUPERSTAR
-GEM OF A GIRL
-n i BRIGHTEN UP SOMEBODY'S WORLD

n im high now.. (: (: (: (: (: (: im smiling lyk MAD!!!! can u sense my HAPPINESS????...ARGHSSSSSSSSS...
[edit]

i cannot find my Bible...i duno y i want it but i do ok...n it has offically disappeared..
so i set foot into a Christian bookshop after mths again n i juz felt lyk i want the connection wid God again but its gone for good so yea..n after reading priya's n ruby's post i feel empty...

im FINALLY gona see jay after a LONG LONG LONG time..hehe..YAY...im so so so glad..cant wait to go for brekkie[as she calls it] wid her tmw..MACS HERE WE COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

went out wid suta today after promising her a LONG time ago..was happy to haf spent time wid her...she bought my bag.. (: so now we haf the same bag..haha..a pity logita din come wid us..cuz i stupidly forgot their hse no n it totally slipped my mind tt i cld haf called her mum or bro..stupid me...then wen we were going wdlds we called her she wasnt at hm..nvm..another time..

anyway im glad tt i got to spend time wid chris oso..YAYNESS.... (: (: (: (: she puts a MILLION DOLLAR SMILE on my face...trust me she does...its been SO fricking long since we had a slpover...n yea slept over on thurs night..n our convo revolved mainly ard one thing=BOYS!...haha..quite funny tho...I LOVE U CHRIS... (: (: (: (:

i //young of the butterfly// you 12:03 AM

Friday, April 14, 2006

so i finally went to church after many mths...
so i finally wished my mum HAPPY BIRTHDAY after 18 yrs...

the former wasnt as rewarding as the latter..but yea..wishing my mum was gd..tho i din wish her in person..kinda juz smsed her right after she left the hse..quite funny la..cuz she sent back a REALLY retarded msg...read it after assembly..never knew my mum was this crazy la seriously..may be getting her n my dad belated bday presents...

anway church was ok la...was having goosebumps during the shadow play which was quite ok...i really do miss doing stuff lyk tt..getting involved in church n stuff...but nvm..othr than tt nothing much..din really feel anything oso..so yea..

anyway i was thinking the othr day n it sorta dawned on me y i cant forget the issue..it took me quite sme time before i actually realised it but yea i managed to figure it out..n it really does make a whole lotta sense to me..but i dun really kno wad to do la..im still feeling lost n confused..i dun wana tok abt it cuz ppl will think tt im juz harping on the issue...n tt im juz confusing myself further..but i guess u guys juz duno how it feels yea..

right now im making too many commitments..im kinda bloody screwed up la..really duno if im gona be staying back for night study once grandma's in spore..n somemore i need my fricking social life back seriously..i want it back...i dun...somehow the dance is freaking me out...its another damn competition...hais..seriously..practising for this n studying n studying my life away..goodness...

my health is seriously deteriorating..is tt how u spell it?..PMSing so fricking badly the whole wk..but ttz besides the pnt...my health...im still sick even after taking the fcking medicines...i seriously feel lyk juz using the pump n pumping out the damn phlegm n mucus..sorry for the crap but yea i really juz wana do it cuz im having difficulty breathing...UGHS!

i //young of the butterfly// you 12:49 AM

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

been hooked on ONE TREE HILL..n ttz bad..really bad...esp wid sch..

PERIODS always make me bitchier than i alrdy am..so sorry if im extra bitchy nowadays..
met chris n ish on mon night...was really surprised to see them at yishun...n we met in the most unexpected place...yishun underpass but i was juz so damn fcking happy to see them i duno y...glad i left sch 'early' tho....they made my day...so toked to them for sme time before they took the bus n left..was half tempted to take the bus wid them cuz i juz wanted to tok to them more n more...but went hm instead..

tues din go sch...im worse than ever...duno if its asthma...but i was hoping tt it wldnt become more serious after going to the doc...but it still did..so i guess all those fcking med din work..i will not go to the doc anymore..i swear..cuz meds dun help..n its all fuck la ok...juz plain shit...i got shit scared wen i saw the papers n i saw tt ive been visiting the doc on the 6th of evry mth since feb..its no joke man...im scared n worried no doubt...but i haven told my mum n DUN wish to tell her cuz it will give her another reason to panic n get worried..

i cant wait for sat night or rather sun..cuz my grandma's coming back!!..im FRICKING happy juz hoping tt she'll stay here whilst she's here.. (: ...really cant wait..time for another cousins' gathering too.. (:

decided to go for service on thurs...hafta call sham chech tmw..n its her BDAY..then my mum the day after tt..n radha auntie's too.. (: wondering if i shld wish my mum tho...cuz i never do...

a best friend is a sister/brother destiny forgot to give u...beautiful quote..took it frm smewhr..

stole this frm smewhr as well...but im pondering on whether its true..i mean its true but it dun really apply to me..its different reasons y im a bitch..

I like being a bitch because the only reason you would call me that is because you cannot be like me.
You cannot walk right into a place and tell someone off to their face. I can. And thus you call me a bitch.
You prefer stabbing someone from the back whilst i prefer dragging forks right into the eye. Thus i am a bitch.
So i become the criminal because i commit the murder in full public view whilst you choose to hide yourself?
No, i'm not a bitch. I just have more guts than you'd ever have. I look fear in the eye and thus i'm known to be a bitch.
If being a bitch means i'm fearless, i'm fiesty, i'm driven, than by all means. Call me a bitch.
because i've never been one to bow down. i never settle for something just because i have to. i fight when my principles are threatened. i never let anyone win if they don't deserve to.
if you think i'm a bitch, indeed i am.

i //young of the butterfly// you 1:06 AM

Sunday, April 09, 2006

[edit] ONE TREE HILL IS ADDICTIVE I SWEAR [edit]

had a VERY long convo wid zana last night...its funny how i suddenly juz called her n then we talked juz abt EVERYTHING...going thru evrything in my mind now...quite funny...but glad tt i finally got sme things out...haha n i think i haf a higher chance of becoming a doctor[without cert] cuz of zana...she likes knows EVERYTHING...im sick n i tell her n she knows wads wrong...wow..quite amazing..or maybe its juz basic knowledge but then again im sure u all kno im pretty dumb..hehe..(:

its been 2 wks since i went for driving..im sure i forgot how to start the car n brake it..esp in 1st gear...so im kinda screwed..n im waiting for the fricking 21st to come ASAP cuz i NEED my PDL lyk soon..or not im gona be STUCK driving in the fricking circuit...
n dance competition again...scared as usual cuz before the actual comp i always feel lyk im gona screw it up...n besides tis time round its closer to mid yrs...dun wana be failing it..i WILL be getting a C or D for my econs tis time round...n i WILL do it...i duno how...but i smehow will..

im learning how to tie a tie..(: ...it makes me happy..i duno y...

been watching prabhu deva songs clips..n i realise dancing wid him is quite a feat..cuz u really hafta learn to dance smewad lyk him so the vid will turn out nice..n ive been watching one repeatedly n im quite amazed by the way they dance..its juz vry eye catching n awesome really..i duno wad it is..but sme vids are really good..

e more i think abt it e more i kno things arent gona change...i guess i gotta adapt n accept these things for wad they r...i am a vry complex person really...n its quite disgusting n irritating smetimes..im always at a loss...n tho i kno wad to do i think of the consequences n am bound by it [quoted frm smeone]....i guess in this situation all i can do is get over it asap n dun moan n groan abt it...juz try to see the good tt comes out of it all cuz thr must be sme good tt came out of it..im really trying...i guess smeday juz smeday it will be ok cuz i wld haf learnt to cope n live wid it..

i was juz thinking maybe i do believe tt a God exists..actually He does...but i juz kno tt He doesnt lyk me...call it childish/immature thinking on my part but really..nothing good has actually happened to me..but then again i realise He has blessed me wid othr things..i kno for a fact tt when Man proposes God disposes...i always remember this n i kno tt things cant ALWAYS happen the way we want them to...maybe this has cause me to lose faith in God...i dun believe tt anything good will ever happen to me..anything good tt will make me feel good abt myself...nah...it wun..so far its juz downfall after downfall..i juz really try to pick myself up time after time..im ok n fine on the outside...but i think on the inside ive alrdy been broken too many times...n well i give up on putting on a mask n masquerading cuz ppl haf finally seen thru it..i never knew i was tt transparent...but i guess my emotions really show themselves on my face...

its ok if u cant follow..dun try..n dun bother abt me really..

i //young of the butterfly// you 4:16 PM

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Enneagram type SIX.

"I am affectionate and skeptical"

Questioners are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

How to Get Along with Me
-Be direct and clear.
-Listen to me carefully.
-Don't judge me for my anxiety.
-Work things through with me.
-Reassure me that everything is OK between us.
-Laugh and make jokes with me.
-Gently push me toward new experiences.
-Try not to overreact to my overreacting.

What I Like About Being a Six
-being committed and faithful to family and friends
-being responsible and hardworking
-being compassionate toward others
-having intellect and wit
-being a nonconformist
-confronting danger bravely
-being direct and assertive

What's Hard About Being a Six
-the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind
-procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence in myself
-fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of
-exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger
-wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right
-being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations

Sixes as Children Often
-are friendly, likable, and dependable, and/or sarcastic, bossy, and stubborn
-are anxious and hypervigilant; anticipate danger
-form a team of "us against them" with a best friend or parent
-look to groups or authorities to protect them and/or question authority and rebel
-are neglected or abused, come from unpredictable or alcoholic families, and/or take on the fearfulness of an overly anxious parent

Sixes as Parents
-are often loving, nurturing, and have a strong sense of duty
-are sometimes reluctant to give their children independence
-worry more than most that their children will get hurt
-sometimes have trouble saying no and setting boundaries

the ones in orange r ALL true..abt me..kinda scary how true it is..

TAKE THE TEST HERE

i //young of the butterfly// you 10:48 PM