Friday, April 27, 2007
i have been doing invigilation for the past 2 days for my favourite class.and they have just been nothing but plain idiots.well most of them at least.they have been talking during my invigilation.but you see i am not really bothered because i know that they are not talking about the content/answers of their exam papers.they are just crapping like how they do during normal lessons.today they kind of almost got caught.or at least one boy did.i do not know what is going to happen.i just hope he does not fail that paper.well lecture time from me again on monday.
i have got marking to do.4 classes of comprehension,editing and cloze passage.hope to be done by this week so i can help out with niva's marking.i just wish i was marking my normal class one as well.
hope he joins the soccer tournament.
i am dead tired but i do not want to sleep.i do not know why.
shopping with niva again tomorrow.i need to get a few things.so hope i do.besides i need to meet zana to get my mascara.i now own the complete set of LAKME SHEER COLOUR EYESHADOW.i find it fascinating.i want MORE!
i am really at an emotional low.i notice myself being how i was 2 years ago which is not a very good sign.matters of my mother is just getting to my head.my head is feeling more and more painful nowadays.i am totally losing my appetite.
i need anger management classes.or maybe rage management classes.because i cannot control my rage.i have been locked up in my room since 7pm.it is now 11.30pm.i did that because i went fucking mad just now.i needed to 'cage' myself up.both my brothers caused it.and i pretty much cannot hate them though i would love to.
how can you love someone so much,do everything for them,go to the ends of the world for them,protect them,fight for them,defend them, and love them after knowing that they couldn't care less about you?you do all this KNOWING that they are never going to love you back the same way.you do all this IN THE HOPE that someday they will come to realise it.i will say that i am very tired out by it.but people will say this '3 years is no big deal.some even wait for 10 years or more'.so i will still try but i know that with all this crap comes A LOT of tears from my part.i know that when i cannot handle things and i feel like giving up i will break down and cry.and then i will curse myself for not trying and then try harder again.and then give up again and cry.its a cycle for me.and i guess it has become so routine that i just do it anyway.
i told you it is an emotional low.someone help me cut down on my chocolate/sweet/sugar/ice cream in take..i need help.im growing fatter and expanding width-wise.im turning to this junk for comfort.im dead.
have i ever ended with a sad face?here goes.
): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ):
i //young of the butterfly// you 10:44 PM
Thursday, April 19, 2007
i was online talking to iswaran the night before the fucking ECONS A LEVEL paper.it is no wonder i messed up my A LEVELS.
i get all tingly and high whenever i hear THE KING's name or whenever i talk about him.i am mad.i have lost it.and guess what im actually happy about him being single.though him being available is another question.and i am waiting for the 2nd of june.pity he was not at chitra's party.
anyway chitra's party went alright.she seriously looked like such a beautiful doll. (: and she really has the sweetest face on earth.i don't think one can ever get sick of looking at her face.but i really think she just looks so good all the time.well anyways as me and vasan were sitting there,vasan started planning for HER 21st.haha.i am not even planning anything.don't think i want to celebrate it either.mainly because i don't know what to plan and i just don't intend to i guess.
i am going for speech day tomorrow.don't ask me why.i just am.because we both decided to go and earn ourselves a good name??or rather i just want to see the performances.i am wondering prom heels or the lower ones?
3 months and 7 days and i still have not driven a car.any kind soul want to lend me his/her car?
i am getting a bit sick of the damn students again.almost broke down in class.almost shouted some damned vulgarities at them but i had to control everything.i am dying.well about a week more to go till their english exam and i just don't wish to teach them anymore after that.
my charles and keith shoes are not in production anymore.ok i got one thing to say.SCREW YOU.the nicest heels you stop producing but the FUGLIEST heels you continue.oh whatever!the laws/theories/whatevers of business suck ok.anybody can recommend nice heels at an affordable price meaning at least below 40?
i have not packed and i have not decided what to wear tomorrow.so i am a bit screwed becuase i intended to sleep early tonight.darnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
i //young of the butterfly// you 9:30 PM
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
things NEVER go the way i want them to..
it is the period and moodiness talking i know..i am DEAD tired..having a really bad headache..throat hurts so bad..i am just feeling so grouchy..
my mother will never learn her lesson..i still hate her as much as ever..
fuck everything..i mean it..including you..
i //young of the butterfly// you 8:14 PM
Monday, April 02, 2007
i am lucky to seriously have God's angel by my side.God's angel equals to zana.
you know what mother of mine?you are so fucking lucky that zana is the world's most understanding person.you are so fucking lucky that zana is not a guy.you are so fucking lucky that zana ALWAYS looks on the bright side of things.you seriously are fucking lucky that she is the only thing that is stopping me from killing you.you are seriously fucking lucky that she is the only thing that is stopping me from even hurting you.
listen up world.today 2nd april 2007.my mother told my auntie im lesbian.HAHAHAHAH.joke.wait the best is yet to come.she told my auntie that zana is using black magic to make me so close to her.Oh silly little mother of mine.don't you understand what is pure love for a friend?don't you understand what is trust?don't you understand what is friendship?i sit down here and cry and laugh at the same time.you know why?you will never know how sorry i feel for you and how much i want to hate you for this.
understand this mother.I LOVE ZANA.period.i don't treat her as my lesbian partner.as a matter of fact she is the only one who seems to understand me perfectly.the one who loves me for who i am.the one who will always be there no matter what.the one who helps me out of things.the one who is willing to listen.the one who shares her home with me.the one whose family treats me with love and respect.the one who is MY EVERYTHING.something that YOU are supposed to be and you are not but make noise when someone else takes over the role.but let me get this straight.my mind is on the right track.i have no 'weird' feelings for zana.i so totally cannot think of zana as my lesbian partner and vice versa.we're just really good friends.i treat her like my angel from God.i don't know if she thinks of me the same but i know she loves me a lot.
after i told zana what you thought this is what she said "hahaha tell your mum that i don't need black magic.just that you have given me your trust and friendship willingly.by the way tell her she is lucky i ain't a guy".see mother.see how pure she is?how NOT to love her?
understand this mother.there are MANY MANY MANY different kinds of love.MANY.
mother-daughter.mother-son.father-daughter.father-son.friend-friend.girl-boy.grandmother-grandson.grandmother-granddaughter.auntie-niece.auntie-nephew.
SO MANY la.SO MANY u shit.me and zana.its just friend to friend love.UNDERSTAND that.her mother does not think anything sick of me you know.her mother thinks of me as her own daughter.in fact she has said MANY times 'you and zana are one to me.there is no difference between you two.she is my daughter.you are also my daughter'.she loves me as a daughter.can't you do the fucking same for zana?ok if not love her just fucking accept her as your daughter's friend.
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you know what's the best part?zana laughed.zana's mother will also probably laugh.i should be laughing.i will laugh when i see the humour in this.right now i think you are mad.i want to hate you for thinking in such a way.i want to slap you.i want to knock some sense into you.but you know what?you really are not worth it.not the slightest bit.not at all.i don't even know if i hate you right now.i really don't know.i feel more love for suse auntie and zana's mother than i do for you.that's for sure mother.
right now i am unsure of whether to cry or laugh or not feel anything.
i //young of the butterfly// you 8:58 PM
Sunday, April 01, 2007
my heart really hurts..i cried really badly just now..my head hurts as well..my eyes and face are swollen..whatever that stopped me from inflicting pain on myself..i don't know what that was..but thank God i did not do anything stupid..cried so much till i fell asleep..i think i slept from the time they left till about 8 plus or 9..
everybody else is more of a mother to me than my own mother is..i will give suse auntie and santhi auntie an explanation in my own time..but i am not expecting them to understand because i know they will still take my mother's side..i just need a bit of understanding that is all..
i was being a bitch to zana just now but you know what..i really don't care..i am not feeling the slightest bit remorseful..i feel angry..rage and hatred are seriously coursing through my veins right now and i am not in the mood to go and apologise to anybody..
i am going to have a very late night tonight and probably sleep in school tomorrow..bye world..
i //young of the butterfly// you 11:24 PM
i almost died when i came home today to find that my grandma was at home..yea..erm..you see my room is not exactly clean..in fact it is nowhere NEAR clean..and my grandma is capable of making a big fuss about it and crying over the state of the room..and drama-ing a lot..so i am quite dead tomorrow morning..quite dead..
i so badly want to see zana..even though i just saw her..but oh wells..i have got many busy weeks coming up..seems like i only get to spend time with niva and nobody else..sucky man..seriously...not that spending time with niva sucks..just that i don't seem to have time for the others..
*chitra im so sorry that this whole week i could not go out with you..i was seriously very busy..i am so sorry that you are starting school next week..am doubtful that i will get to see you at all till your birthday..i love you babe..and i will really try to find time ok..so sorry..next week going to be equally hectic..i HOPE and PRAY that suta's bday celebration is not going to be on sat..because then i would be really torn between suta and michelle..and usually family always wins..i should really keep track of my 'appointments' here because i keep forgetting everything..me and my STM..
MON : HENNA CLASS OR MR MUTHU'S HOUSETUES : CONTACT TIMEWED : HENNA CLASSTHURS : SPORTS MEET/DINNER WITH ASHFRI : CHRIS'S CHURCHSAT : MICHELLE'S CHURCH OR SUTA'S BDAYive got a pile of essays waiting for me..and i intend to finish them BY good fri..I PROMISE..i need a bit more willpower..
just a thought that crossed my mind..i love my dog to death..no words can explain the special love..i treat him like my little child..the only one in my family who seems to love me back..and everyday i come home and see him in his cage i want to cry..i have been having thoughts of calling the SPCA to take him away to give him a better home..enough of caging him up..everytime i want to let him out my parents don't allow it..or they put him back within one hour of letting him out..it hurts me i don't know why..it is driving me mad..i just need to make sure i bring him out more often..i keep saying i will..but i don't do it at all..and it sucks..rather I SUCK..but dear God i pray please do something about this..i feel like i am torturing the dog indirectly..God just please do something about it..because i cannot bear to see the dog like that..i just cannot..i feel like taking his place..i feel like i deserve a really bad punishment for doing that to him..please God do something..
i miss my darling little bro..i have been coming home late the past few days..and haven't got a chance to talk to him..i miss him..
i shall stop here..im dead tomorrow..
i //young of the butterfly// you 2:00 AM