Saturday, December 30, 2006
27th dec 06mid afternoon i get call frm my uncle saying tt my veli ammumma[grandauntie]is VERY sick n tt he wants me to inform my mum immediately..so i did tt..well in a state of paranoia of course..then abt 10mins lata i get anothr call frm chris..n she said tt my veli ammumma happened to only haf abt a 10% chance of living today n tt she wants to see evrybody..yea tt set me into FULL paranoia mode..showered changed n cabbed thr wid my bros..
she was lying on the hall couch..this small old shrivelled up person..had to pay her my respects so went to hug her n tok to her..which was so diff cuz i speak vry little malayalam..i hate myself for tt ok..after tt i teared..i went to sit down..
i cldnt eat or drink anything the whole time i was in the hse..all i cld do was sit thr n stare at her in shock n helplessness cuz i juz so wished tt i was in her place n tt i cld juz take away whatever pain she was going thru..
for 18 damned yrs of my life ive never seen a funeral..k acually wen i was 6 i went for my granddad's funeral..but heck i was 6 then..wad wld i kno wad was going on?..i was actually playing n laughing during tt funeral..but today..it wasnt even a funeral n i was vry vry shaken..
juz before i left i went to hug her n kiss her again..n i felt lyk crying so badly..n the fact tt she wanted me to kiss her moved me the most..cuz i remember a few months back wen my other ammumma got admitted n i went to visit her..then wen i left i kissed her n she said this 'for wad kiss..dun need'..ermmm rite...tt was lyk 2 slaps in the face for me..i felt embarrassed..is tt the word?..n well wen i hugged n kissed my veli ammumma i was gona brk down any min..but i was so touched tt she accepted..well she actually initiated the hug n kiss so i was really vry moved..
seeing my cousins n aunties cry really really made me feel lyk shit..it really did..i juz felt so helpless..i juz din kno wad to do.. she had no strength even to sit up..wen my cousin helped her up she fell right back down..i cldnt take it..n i juz duno why..evry time smeone said smth nice to me i juz started to tear..i really duno why..i cldnt tok..n i ignored most ppl tt day..
well in any case i really duno how im gona deal wid e loss if anything happens to her..n lyk everybody was saying tt she prolly has only a few days to live..but im really proud of her cuz 10-15 yrs ago wen she had her breast cancer thingy removed,doctors said tt she had only lyk 2 yrs to live..but heck she fought on for abt 10-15 yrs n im really proud of her..n then now this..i juz so hope nothing happens..well all i can do is pray..n till now though its only been 3 days nothing has happened..n i thank God for it..
thrs not one day tt passes without me thinking of her..im juz very very worried tt smth might happen..my days r juz filled wid paranoia..i juz wish n pray so hard tt nothing wld actually happen..
ppl if i need anybody pls i juz ask u to be thr for me..cuz im really gona need as much support as i can if anything were to happen..this is all i ask frm u guys..please..
nivesduno whether u still read my blog..but thanks..for cheering me up n toking to me..n thanks so much for bothering to call me to check on me..trust me i REALLY appreciate it to bits...cuz u kno tt these past few days things haf been kinda messy..thank u so much for calling darling..love u darling..
zanathough i kno u'll never read this..perhaps im riting it juz for memory's sake..saying thank u to u is lyk so cliched alrdy..anyway i really appreciate u for keeping ur doors open for me at all times..be it the doors to ur hse or the doors to ur heart..HA!..anyway thank u for taking away all tt paranoia those few times i called u n msged u n turned ur hse upside down in this past wk tt things went wrong..i really duno how u handle me cuz those few times i called u i wasnt even toking properly..i mean my mind was elsewhr n i was juz rambling n yet u listened..hais..in this shitty times i swear if u werent thr i prolly wld haf done some othr shit to myself..saying i love u to u is also so cliched..but anyway i love u..
priyaduno if u still read my blog..but in any case girl..i wana say thank u for msging me n letting me know..i never expected u to tell me in the first place..but thanks..i juz hope tt i was thr for u wen u needed smeone even though i was hugging u for lyk a few seconds n i barely got to tok to u..do pls take care of urself..n i juz pray tt u feel better soon..it may not sound truthful or honest to u but really i love u babe..take care n God bless..
sutashinihey darling..i gotta say thank u so much for coming over tt day..although u juz came for lyk so little time..u came hm,bought lunch,eat then leave..PIG!..but thank u for coming over cuz u helped me take my mind off many things..n remember this one thing girl i will always love u the way you are..n trust me on this..sathesh and i haf ALWAYS got ur back..so dun worry abt anything..we're here for u..love u lil pyrncess..
i //young of the butterfly// you 2:22 AM
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
so christmas sucked..or rather going to chris's hse sucked..ive given up..ive prolly broken a new record n ttz to haf 'broken up' wid 3 friends...3 really wonderful great friends..ive done this in a span of 1 yr..initially i didnt feel the loss..but now i am..cuz its definitely NOT coincidence wen jay's in spore currently,priya smses me abt smth n chris riting me a letter..
i made plans..for my 19th bday n for chris's 20th bday..since id be earning nxt yr onwards i thot id bring chris out on my bday..celebrate wid her..treat her to lunch in an expensive place then bring her shopping after tt n get her stuff..n id spend the whole day wid her n tt wld be juz perfect..then i planned tt on her bday id give her a REALLY great surprise since she always wanted one but never got it..n i planned tt id make things perfect for her..but no these plans juz went down the drain..n lemme juz say these r juz 2 of the MANY plans id had in store for us..
but i guess its time for me to realise tt i really am not the top priority for chris unlike how much she is for me..i would die for her if need be..n trust me it does not at all sound cliched to me..but well things turned out wrong i guess..i gave zana the letter to keep cuz i kno tt if its in my hse,id MAKE myself read it n cry n do shit to myself..nothing has happened so far..well its only been lyk wad a day or 2?..so wad the hell..u cant say rite..thrs still my whole life to go on..only maybe without her..
n i really cannot be bothered if ppl r gona think tt my life is prolly gona stop or be put on hold cuz of her..it is definitely gona be vry badly affected..id haf lost a dear fren..someone i do ALL my shopping wid..someone i watch movies wid..someone whom i confide in a lot..someone whom i trust wid my faith..someone whom i love so bloody much i juz duno how to show it to her..of course life wld prolly stop or be put on hold..but lets juz say im too stunned or shocked or maybe disgusted to even react rite now..i kno the tears n stuff will come later..prolly on the eve of new year wen i realise no one's gona be wid me..n prolly on my bday which i was really looking forward to cuz i had smth perfect planned out..
wads prolly funny is the fact tt chris prolly would never understand how much this has affected n will affect me..she prolly would never realise how lost i feel..cuz for her life hasnt been stopped or put on hold..cuz i was prolly never one of her top priorities..cuz she wldnt feel anything as long as she has her ppl wid her..i kno tt for a fact..
but for now as long as i dun cry n do stupid things to myself i shall be contented..i will try my vry best to overcome all this myself..its high time i do it myself..
i really really could do wid a fren rite now..
n i really really could do wid some cheering up..
anybody?
i //young of the butterfly// you 2:29 AM
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
She pulled up her skirt. Her leg didn't look too bad. There was a sliver-thin stripe of red with beads of blood emerging, like a red crystal necklace, along the rip. And bizarrely, this intense physical pain was manageable. It hurt but she could see the hurt, not like the hurt inside her that nobody could see.
She ran off to the loo, still holding the penknife. Sitting in a cubicle with the door locked, she hesitated before making another slice in her thigh. God, it hurt, but at the same time, it felt....good. She could control this pain. The fierce intesntiy of the physical hurt took away the pain in her head. This was centred on her leg. She was in control of it and that roar of control surging through her was like a blessed relief from all the hurt. She'd cut herself and let the hurt drip out. Who cared if she was marked or cut? Nobody cared. She'd do it again and feel the power of control over her life again.
Nobody noticed that the penknife had gone missing. It now resided in her room. And sometimes, not every night, because she couldn't do it every night, she cut small red marks into her thigh. Over the months, there was a criss cross of them: red raw and looking like she'd been flayed on one thigh. But nobody saw, she made sure of that. It was easy enough, who was going to see her with her clothes off?
Sometimes the wounds really hurt, stung her and she wondered whether they were infected. So she bought surgical spirit and doused her whole thigh in it, wanting to scream with the pain, and yet, that pain was good too, hurting her like everything else was hurting her. That knife became a symbol, the one bit of control she felt she had over her life.
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sounds like a psycho?..well ttz me for u..finally found smth to express wad i was feeling all this while..juz tt im not as bad as tt..got it from a book by the way..and it was kinda lyk my exact sentiments..
anyway went to surprise jo today since she injured her leg..well since she couldnt go for dinner we decided to bring the dinner to her.. (: hope she was happy..pity tt mel couldnt be thr though..but well i was happy..i mean time wid my IJ loves never fails to make me happy (: ..hopefully we can all go out nxt wed..(:
i wanted to juz clear my mind here..im vry vry scared of opening up to ppl cuz im vry scared of getting hurt..im weak i kno it n i also kno ive got a vry fragile heart..i get hurt by small things..small things can affect me vry badly..n i seem to juz haf a vry bad impression of guys n i seem to think they will easily affect me n also brk my heart[not necessarily in a romantic manner]..lets juz say its happened a few times..vry few..but its enuff for me to WANT to maintain the fact tt guys r juz bad..but unfortunately [or maybe fortunately] my opinions seem to be changing..bad or good?..i duno..i dun even kno wad i feel..if u saw the way i was toking to zana in the afternoon, u'd kno how scared/paranoid i am abt this change.. i USED to hate guys..but now i dun hate them anymore..its lyk ive always always always told myself NEVER to trust a guy or even haf a gd impression of them..but wad happened in CJ?.. good guys ACTUALLY exist..well im sorry..abt having such a bad impression of guys prev..i think it juz screwed up la..n it doesnt help tt guys suddenly start being nice all of a sudden be it out of genuine-ness or fake-ness..though the fake one i'd kno..actually i juz DUN want to haf a gd impression of them..except maybe a select few..im highly confused..still..after toking to zana..im seriously a very confused child..
and this yr's gona be a black christmas..not the mood..the colour code though..but really it doesnt feel lyk christmas at all..n im broke..broke enough to not even be able to buy chris n sham chech presents..im sorry..
haven toked to chris 5 days in a row..the fucked up empty feeling is still thr..im shutting up now..
n right now..im feeling very tired..but i cldnt slp when i tried to..im fucked up..all i kno is im gona continue doing this for the nxt few days..not haf enuff slp..be VERY grouchy..be VERY emotional..be VERY irritated..then i will brkdown soon..gosh i juz need tt breaking pnt lyk NOW!..
i //young of the butterfly// you 11:26 PM
Monday, December 18, 2006
i was lying in a hospital..the day just before my 20th birthday..i was dying..basically living my last moments..i couldnt speak..the only way i communicated was by writing on ppl's palms,crying or smiling..so wad was happening was tt i was in the hospital room wid zana,chris n *..and i was writing stuff on zana's hands n i was saying smth along these lines : 'you 3 are the vry few ppl who has actually been thr for me evrytime when i needed u guys..ive truly loved you 3 the most..and u 3 haf definitely made a vry significant impact on my life..i duno how to thank u guys..but im really grateful n appreciative of u guys'..then comes a flashback..yea a flashback in the dream..
it was prolly a few hrs ago or smth..n this time i was wid my family..i was basically in the same condition..dying n not being able to say anything..and i was sayign this to my mum: 'u kno mum thruout my entire life you've always looked down on me..i got my inferiority complex and low self esteem frm no one but u..u always managed to find a flaw in me..i was always ugly or black or hot tempered..but u kno wad mum all my frens NEVER once said anything bad to me..n in my lifetime i really got confused as to whether to trust my frens or family more..im so sorry tt we actually shared a love-hate rtshp'..n then it moved on to my dad n i was saying this: 'Daddy you are the only man i've ever loved so much..even though we stopped talking,you really haf no idea tt i continued to love u so much..u were the most perfect gentleman i'd ever known n i love u so..but whatever the case i wana let u kno i will love you always and forever'..i duno why but i juz never said anything to my brothers..then it went on to another flashback though i duno why it was this situation..
it was me n * alone..n * was crying..n * said this: 'pls dun do this to all of us..juz pls live on..ur making me cry once again..pls juz live'..n my reaction was juz to cry cuz i cldnt do anything..i juz knew i cldnt live..n it was so heartwrenching..
DISCLAIMER'S NOTE..* is NOT a bf if ttz e first thing tt enters ur mind..
n then evrything stops n it comes to my really dying moments..so everybody was in the room..meaning my family..relatives..IJ clique n CJ ppl..i was holding on to zana's n chris's hands..and then juz lyk tt i was gone..
i met God..i only remember a big white figure n me smiling up at him..n then i was put into Hell..i juz remember being surrounded by fire but not feeling any pain..
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tt was my dream..scary huh..zana gave me a REALLY gd interpretation of tt dream..n i realised kinda how true it was..but wad if..juz wad if this was a forevision?..it means id be dying in abt a year n a month's time...quite funny..i remember wen i was first telling it to zana i was choking up so badly..n i was scare i was gona cry...cuz it wld be kinda dumb to cry over a dream rite..but surprisingly while typing it out thr doesnt seem to be any emotions..perhaps the interpretation changed things..and the question ttz kinda bugging me is how come * was in the dream?
so maybe i am gona die by 20..n somemore RIGHT before my 20th bday..well ppl if it really does happen pls do visit me n lemme tell u how much i love u guys..cuz i dun tell u guys vry often..n do bring white roses..or any colour roses to my funeral..n IF ive touched ur lives in anyway do lemme kno juz before i die k..n dun worry im sure tt id haf had private time wid evrybody..so ppl i really really do love all of u..but then again i still do believe tt i will be dying before im 20..lyk wad ive been telling zana for the past yr n a half..i will definitely die before 20..thing is i WANT TO die..so yea..
n oso another thing..its funny how ive always been having this dream before..the same situation..but juz tt i never died..or i wasnt ever tt weak..i kno tt in those prev dreams id been admitted for an asthma attack..n wen my mum came to gimme my med the first time this was exactly wad id told her: 'mummy juz pls go..call zana..i only want her..ask her to come n i'll be fine'..weird huh?..never my mum or dad or relatives or even chris..juz zana..
n im shy to name who * is ok..which is why the name isnt thr..n ppl if u've got ANY interpretations of this weird dream do let me kno kaes..
k now my shoutouts to those 3 ppl..
ZANA BEGUMS..
zana zana wad did u do to me?..wad did u do to me tt uve become this impt?..wad did u do to me tt i think of u as my own personal angel frm God?..even tho i ALWAYS tell u i love you its never enough to express the amount of gratitude i haf in me for having u in my life..zana i love u frm the bottom of my heart..n i promise u if thrs ever gona be a man in my life he CANNOT n SHALL NOT take ur place.. (:
CHRIS..
we've had our fair share of disagreements..but no matter wad i love u almost as much as i love zana..but i KNOW tt ud think of me as weird if i were to tell u i love you the number of times i tell zana..i kno u alrdy think im weird anyway..but girl i love u so damn much..tt i hate to see u hurt or upset or sad..im glad tt ur one person who can withstand all my moodswings n still cheer me up even though i give u the worst attitudes..but girl juz kno this one thing i love u frm the bottom of my heart oso..i really do.. (:
* ..
ur msg isnt gona be as mushy dun worry..but i found it weird tt after a long time of not speaking to u u were in the dream..it bugs me..but in any case i wana say a thank you for evrything..u duno wad u haf done in my life but i believe ur my 3rd angel frm God..n the fact tt u were in the dream shows tt we were still frens for the nxt yr n a mnth..so dun get me wrong here but i do love u in a sisterly way n wad i wana say the most to u is thank you so much.. (:
JANANI NAIR..
u bloody piece of shit..im sitting here wondering why YOU of all impt ppl was not in my dream..but i found the ans to tt la..
1.u were holidaying wid naga cuz he struck toto or 4D n decided to bring to u miami to get both ur names tattooed on each othr in the shop they feature in miami ink..
OR
2.u were juz too short for me to see u..
haha..ur so gona kill me for tis i kno but darling lemme kno wen u get back frm msia..cuz we is needing to catch up..loving u always darling.. (:
i //young of the butterfly// you 9:59 PM
Saturday, December 16, 2006
i really guess its high time me n my inferiority complex juz go n die..
wen u love a person SO much..do u actually expect the person to return the same kinda/amt of love?..or even if its less do u juz accept it cuz its the someone u love so much..but i cannot..i feel lyk wad i give the person i do not get the same back in return..n i guess it hurts..but wen u think abt it we both actually love each othr plenty but show it in different ways..its MY inferiority complex n low self esteem tt got in the way..so its me who is wrong rite..but then again i wonder isit really MY inferiority complex n low self esteem tt got in the way?..isit?..
clubbing yest was kinda...off...im HIGHLY pissed off at chris..yea...very..n im gona tell her off pretty soon..n the club n the crowd sucked..id rather haf juz gone to MOS..but nvm..shant complain..maybe if id had a fren wid me i prolly wld haf spent the whole night out..but then zana told me right frm the start NOT to go..n maybe i shld haf juz listened to zana..actually its not a MAYBE shld haf..its I SHLD HAF listened to zana n juz not go at all..but why i went?..for the sake of the othr 2 cousins..whom i juz wanted to get to kno better i guess..but the whole night was juz weird..ttz why i HATE going out in odd numbers n going out wid ppl i feel uncomfy wid..
n anyway chris..u may read this or may not read this..but i felt SO stupid last night..FIRST TIME im REGRETTING having u around...never have i had this feeling..i was holding back tears since 2+ or maybe even earlier..n i was waiting to leave so tt i cld juz cry..n tt was the 1st thing i did wen i got home..i dun even kno wad it was..i think it ranged frm hurt to anger to regret to maybe even dislike..n i dun even kno whether i shld let u kno abt this cuz i duno wad ur reaction wld be..i mean wen i let u kno in sec 3 u were vry understanding abt it..n we MANAGED to clear things up..but this time around i duno..i dun think things r gona get cleared up cuz the problem is wid ME..n as usual i dun think u will EVER understand my inferiority complex,my low self esteem..i dun think u will ever understand the type of person i am..really..n ttz wad hurts the most i suppose..i mean all the while uve been one ive loved so dearly but also the one who cannot really understand me..i cannot blame u i guess..but really after last night thr were juz so many things running thru my mind...im at a loss for words..
i dun even kno why i typed tt..but i duno i juz had to.. been feeling so emotionally fucked up today..even while watching TV i juz cried..i duno for wad reason..but its prolly cuz of last night..
i told myself id be happy for a few days..but well.....im still happy tt zana's here..but othr than tt evrything sucks..
i //young of the butterfly// you 8:44 PM
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
i haven called shob yet n its been bloody long...im so sorry girl..
well ZARINA is back!!!!!!..finally..n thank God she's back..MY LIFE IS BACK...hehe..its been PURE HELL without her ard..n well she truly truly understands me..so really deep down I LOVE HER to death..k im juz bloody fricking happy tt she's back k..get the pnt.. (: (: (: im all smiless..YAY..
anyway i kinda admitted to a guy yest..tt i feel uncomfy going out wid a guy alone..i duno it juz makes me feel VERY conscious of myself..n i mean even wen i go out wid girls i alrdy feel so conscious of myself..but still i juz love my girls..n im quite sure they love me back..haha..so i prolly cldnt care less..but wid guys..its diff..i duno..i feel lyk im putting myself in a spot going out wid them alone..but thr r a select few whom i feel really comfy wid n wld prolly haf a great time if i were to go out wid them..but oh well..tt particular smeone found it surprising tt i said tt..oh well i guess im juz full of surprises.. (:
as u can see im REALLY VERY happy.. (: (: (: (:
cousins outing tmw..as in me chris sham chech n uma..first time 4 of us r actually going out..quite looking forward to it actually..yea we're going clubbing..n i cant wait to drink n dance.. (:
finally went to sinthu's hse..it's HUGE..n juz BEAUTIFUL..n they haf a fricking pool k..haha n i was telling sinthu id swim evryday if i had a pool n she was lyk yea ttz wad i was also saying..n suranth the lil boy..is juz SO damn adorable..how i LOVE kids..they juz manage to brighten up ur day..make u so happy..make u feel lyk thrs smth worth coming home for..its lyk i was juz so damn happy to see suranth even though he isnt my bro..but hais..it was really juz happiness..he was one of the few things tt brightened my life this past 2 DULL/MISERABLE/BITCHY wks.. (:
oh well i duno wad to say..LAUREEN's back as well..happy to see her..she hasnt changed ONE bit..went out wid her n marianne on wed..missed them both..n im missing michelle as well..LOADS..so we shall all meet up soon n tok n tok n tok kaes..
k ppl whom ive made dates wid..chits mel n the rest..i PROMISE i will go out wid u once i get a job..cuz ttz wen i'll be earning my own money n i wun need to feel guilty using my mum's money..so soon kaes..im really sorry..but i promise we will go out..
n i think all the world needs to know for now is IM HAPPY IM HAPPY IM HAPPY IM HAPPY IM HAPPY IM HAPPY IM HAPPY IM HAPPY IM HAPPY IM HAPPY IM HAPPY IM HAPPY IM HAPPY IM HAPPY..evrything times INFINITY..I LOVE ZARINA FOREVER N EVER N EVER N EVER.. (: (: (: (:
k i wang blog again..actually ive been happy since yest evening wen she told me tt she was gona come back this morn..cuz i was feeling miserable abt smth n i msged smth lyk pls faster come back..n then she said tt she was actually gona surpirse me this morn but since i sounded so miserable she told me..but the thing is her coming back this morn n the fact tt she wanted to surprise me made me SOOOOOOOOOOOOO damn bloody happyyyyyyy..but then she was having probs at the airport then i was sad tt she was gona be back later...but NOOOOO..this morn i got an sms saying 'I AM BACK' frm her n i was instantly HIGH..cuz she is back..ok world im telling u guys this cuz i wana share my happiness..n for all those who kno me u guys kno tt im seldom happy but oh well im HAPPY as anything nowwwww...n nothing's gona make me sad..for awhile...nothing.. (: (: (: (: (: (:
i //young of the butterfly// you 8:26 PM
Sunday, December 03, 2006
mel im so sorry tt uve been coming here evryday but seeing no updates..so sorry..juz tt iv no time to update n its vry inconvenient since the com is n my bro's room..
k so 30th nov was prom..my first time wearing a dress..in which i think i actually looked pretty nice..but the pnt is smth at prom or maybe post prom or juz smth left me feeling happy..i really cannot put my finger on it but evrytime i juz think abt evrything it puts a smile on my face..which is a gd thing for me.. (: or maybe i actually know wad it is..haha..but im not saying..im juz happy..
but on the othr hand its also kinda sad cuz my time in CJ is really up for now..i kno im definitely gona miss a few ppl..A LOT..well actually i alrdy miss them lyk a lot..n im glad tt i let them kno tt i missed them..its lyk the ppl u meet in JC r juz totally different..totally..n so yea ive met a few different kind of ppl..n it means things wun be the same u kno..its lyk u wun be seeing them evryday..u wun be getting the chance to tok to them evryday oso..tt im gona miss a lot..
the whole thing is scary..n i mean we're all growing up..we're no more 13 or 16..gosh...k now im getting freaked out so i shall shut up..
n it was annoying tt the post prom party had to end at 3..i was really in the mood to dance..n i din even drink much..only 1 drink k..but it was annoying..n then michelle left ard 3+..i decided to go home right after tt as well cuz i felt awkward staying wid my classmates..so my retarded plans of staying out the whole night got spoiled..i contemplated juz walking wherever my legs wld bring me but do i look lyk im brave enuff?..no..haha..so yea went home instead..n i actually danced in those heels..n yea its sun today [prom was on thurs] n i still cant feel my toes..they're SPOILT!..lesson learnt:NEVER EVER dance in 3.5inch heels again..NEVER!..my toes juz feel funny..its lyk they're thr n not thr but they're thr..but they're not..k im being annoying..i wonder if its a bruise or smth..the price i hafta pay for one night of beauty..aiyoh..
k so i went to pierce my ears again..for the fun of it..n stupid me has been eating seafood lyk nobody's business so now my ear itches n hurts lyk HELL..or rather lyk SHIT..or maybe lyk FUCK..sme fcking expletive k..its juz bloody itchy..i CANNOT take it..i hate the fact tt my threshold for pain has gone down lyk nobody's business..my nose piercing actually hurts..its retarded..last yr i got lyk 4 piercings done in a wk n it din hurt..now i got 3 n it hurts lyk shit..fuck it man..now i gotta find sme othr alternative..PAIN N ITCHY LAAAAAAAAAAAAA...
family..this one word alone means so many things..n its extended family..meaning relatives..esp mum's side..problems after problems..n im dragged into it..if i wana stay out of it they still tok to me abt it..n wad can i do..im really vry vry helpless..i feel lyk thrs nobody i can tok to abt it cuz they dun really understand..nobody i kno actually seems to be THAT close to their cousins n relatives..n even if they r they dun actually seem to haf tt problem..after wad suse auntie said today i REALLY almost cried in front of her..its juz so hurting to hear her toking lyk tt cuz i think of her as my guardian angel and a second mother..but wads done is alrdy done..i really really duno wad to do..u think u can help?..
n now for driving..yes went driving after i think a mth or 2..n yea i can still park n do all the circuit stuff..but guess wad?..i went for driving without renewing my PDL..wad a joke..damn funny man..so i cldnt drive on the roads..n i was so totally dreading driving..n well i got my wish..haha so i still need to renew my PDL by the nxt lesson la..so i still hafta drive on the roads..darn it..
im officially REALLY broke..christmas is juz ard the corner..n im kinda screwed..am gona start making cards soon..cuz thr r many many ppl i wana make for.. (:
zana's going off to india tmw..soo badly wanted to tok to her..but dun ask cuz i juz cldnt bring myself to do so..well nvm..lets juz wait till she comes back..i guess..n im not even sure if i wana tok..i means its not juz her..its a lot of things..
out of the 10 dates tt i was supposed to haf wid ppl i think ive gone out wid only 4 of them..how pathetic..need to make plans to meet the rest..but mel n clare having exams soon i think..n ash started wrk..denesh n kohila i so hafta meet them soon..really must..cuz wen the new yr starts im sure ppl will be busy again..n i may decide to go missing nxt yr..
k mel i hope this is good enough for u..haha..my faithful blog reader..i seriously think ur the only one who reads it..haha..I LOVE YOU.. (:
i //young of the butterfly// you 9:01 PM