Friday, August 31, 2007
i talked to thad.and i THANK God he didn't blow up at me or kill me or get angry.everything i was so so so nervous about.but all was good all was good.i still have my doubts.but oh wells.we will just take things slowly.and i fricking lost his ring.i feel like the world's BIGGEST ASS for doing that.really.ughs.i hate myself sometimes.i really do.
PRIYA:hey girl.i am not going overseas.still studying here in singapore but an overseas university.so it is something like private.and when i said i am going to be there for a few years i really didn't mean for it to sound like i am going overseas.haha.sorry.i will still be in boring old singapore.
J:you're crazy la.PLEASE hog the tagboard all you want.it's getting a tad boring for my taste.and everybody spices it up.haha.and yea caramel frap was the only thing i could come up with at that time.and you are not a kaypoh kia.you're welcome here anytime anywhere. and your imagination seriously cracks me up.haha.and if you will,please accept my apology for not replying your email.i really am sorry that i don't know what to say.
jan:yea jay's imagination is super vivid and super funny.and jan i would turn les just to irritate the LIVING DAYLIGHTS out of you.haha.and janani bring a seashell or pebble back from msia ok?haha.love you sexy little one.
i //young of the butterfly// you 11:20 PM
Thursday, August 30, 2007
so the teacher i am relief-ing at my primary school is like so hot.i met him today and i was like 'OMG that's him?'.i couldn't even look him in the eye.so embarrassing.felt so shy and flustered.don't ask!
and anyway i was thinking of turning les.for the fun of it.jan what do you think?somehow i think you would throttle me upside down.then dig out my brain and fill the skull with caramel frap.this thought came to me at some random moment.don't even ask.
i have decided that i need to free myself from something and probably made the biggest decision ever.am going to talk to thaddeus tomorrow.probably the most sensible and also the dumbest thing i am ever going to do.but i need the freedom.i need the release.i don't want to hang on and be stuck.i just hope i don't fumble tomorrow.and i hope to God he reacts fine.
i need tops for school.unfortunately my arms are too fat.
i am in a really crazy/psychotic mood.
i need to start cleaning up my room before i attempt to study because right now there is no room on the study table for me to put my books down and do work.i am starting school in about 2 weeks from now.am very very very nervous and scared but i cannot do anything i guess.just hope things go fine.i am bloody going to be there for 3 or maybe 4 years!darn.
have yet to meet chris and talk to her.i miss her.and i miss zana too. ):
i //young of the butterfly// you 7:54 PM
Sunday, August 12, 2007
i tired writing a letter to zana.
i tried typing an email to zana.
they didn't work.
some things are just not meant to be told.
i actually saw hafiz on tv during the parade and suddenly i miss hafiz a lot.was looking through the chat logs.yes i keep most of my chat logs because i love most of the people on my MSN list.haha.i won't deny that he was a great friend.the male version of zana.but i guess i cannot blame him because i was at fault.this is pretty retarded because he is online as i type.but i am too afraid to initiate a conversation with him.its ok.i am still going to wish him on his birthday.just afraid of his reply.or maybe even the lack of a reply.i mean what if he replies and asks who is this?gosh it will be such a slap in the face.ok i should not even think about it.
my room is currently a HUGE mess.even after i TRIED to clean it up.gosh.i suck.it is getting more depressing being in here man.
there is something very sucky about sundays.really.and whats worse is going to sleep on a rainy sunday and having to wake up to a shitty rainy monday morning all alone by yourself in the house.which is what i am going to do.as it is i am already feeling so depressed.wish i could ask somebody to come over but nobody is free.it is either work or NUS.hais.sucky man sucky.and with the rain i think i might just have a melt down in the morning.i wish my brothers had no school or something.seeing the damn mess of my room tomorrow is enough to make me burst into tears.i swear.
probably have to go down for henna class tomorrow.just hope that it does not rain when i am about to leave because then i wouldn't want to leave.why does the fucking shop have to be all the way in bloody jurong?and just a question ANYBODY out there want me to thread your eyebrows for you??because i am learning threading.all by myself actually and i just want people to TRUST me with the eyebrows.i will TRY my level best NOT to spoil it.i am serious.i just need MAJOR MAJOR practice.so once i get the hang of it you can go around telling people you helped in my becoming a threader.or maybe even a beautician.well if you ever need henna or mani or pedi.i could TRY.i mean i am learning.all by myself. (: you can help me. (:
and one more thing anybody i actually know happen to be going for sassychix's make up classes?because i want to go.but not alone.so yea.anybody?
i //young of the butterfly// you 9:18 PM
Friday, August 10, 2007
i guess i haven't blogged for close to 2 months because i know people would not be interested in reading stuff about my mum again.but then again i am writing this here because i cannot deal with writing too much in my diary at one time.cannot.these are my memories.
things are really not going well AT ALL.it just keeps getting worse and worse and i just keep trying to deal with it and end up not being able to do it.
my mother had a 'talk' with me a few weeks back.during which she said that she WANTED to talk things out but throughout the whole 'talk' kept on BLAMING me.i took it in and in and in.as always.she said a lot of nasty things.she also said a lot of untrue things.throughout the whole time my father sat there saying nothing.i was kind of half expecting him to slap me.perhaps a little bit of reaction would have been nice.i cannot say i know the man very well anymore.but it cannot change my love for him.after the 'talk' i tried changing myself but my mother didn't reciprocate.i cannot do anything anymore.i don't know whether it is called giving up.or called admitting defeat.but i know i really cannot and don't know how to deal with this anymore.i cannot.i am trying to not get angry over this kind of things anymore.trying to just put it past me and think happy thoughts.ain't exactly working.wondering if a counsellor would help.but the thought of opening up to an unknown person is plain fucked up.which is why i will never do it and be stuck in this.probably for a very very long time.
i was so fucking pissed off when i found out that once again my mother opened my school letter and so i didn't know about it until she gave it to me 2 days ago.thank God i called up the school and did the necessary.this is why i say don't fucking put your pretty nose in my fucking matters.
my mother says she wants to go out with me alone because she sees all the other mother doing it and obviously she wants to show the whole world that she can also do the same.but i have asked her 3 times already.and all 3 times she gave me this scathing remark 'why should you go out with me?just because you need my money is it?i am not giving a single cent to you.so forget it'..ok mum what happened to the whole wanting to go out with me and being like everybody else?oh right i forgot you are too fucking stingy with your money.
my mother says i never do sit down and talk to her about things.so i tried again.i tried telling her about my schools and work,asked her for some recipes so i can cook,told her some beauty tips.what did she do 75% of the time?ignore me and act like i never existed.it hurts.it feels like my heart is being ripped up REPEATEDLY when she does that.but then again i tell myself this always 'i have been tolerating it for the past 5 years what is a few more years?'.
i don't know.it is just so painful.very very painful.i am not numbed yet.just so upset.i don't even know what i want anymore.i really wish i could just fall and cry into someone's arms and stay there forever.
i //young of the butterfly// you 9:04 PM