im a lil butterfly (:

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

-my EARLIEST TP test date wld be 120107..tt fucking means i will only get my license nxt bloody yr..n guess wad?if i dun fucking pass tt i'll hafta wait another 3-6 mths for anothr test date..OMG!..

-saw chew on wed wen i went shopping wid marianne n mee-shell (: was so glad to see chew..n i was thinking of tt netballer grp n 4/7 lyk a few days back...spent some time toking to her (: ..well i wldnt mind a 4/7 gathering though (: and i saw this PRETTY dress in far east..im so in love wid it..n my reaction to tt dress was a priceless moment or so marianne claims..but tt dress was oh-so gorgeous..but i cldnt try it on cuz i was wearing the wrong bra...rightt....i saw this pretty tube in phuture london oso..it says 'SPOILT LITLLE PRINCESS' and 'ROYAL ANGEL'..if only it had BUTTERFLY smewhr id be happier..haha

-thurs was GREAT..woke up went for tuition..and met CHRIS after tt...YAYNESS n HAPPINESS..went to watch The Devil Wears Prada..was a great movie..n i got to try on my beautiful dress.. (: n then i bought the tube..shall be using tt the nxt time i go clubbing..i promise.. (: but anyways spending the day wid chris was great..we went to TCC after the movie thinking of juz drinking coffee..but we ended up pampering ourselves...wid the oreo cheesecake n choc fudge cake..n magarita coffee n hazelnut smth...haha..n we talked lyk A LOT..hais happiness happiness..
but on a heavier/sadder note..wen i came online after i reached home...niva told me smth..nah it wasnt wrong of her to lemme kno..but i guess it struck smth in me...it made me feel kinda awkward..but well im hecking it..

-fri..was juz.....thr r no words to describe it..felt SO much at home in IJ wid mel n jo..it was juz happiness n peace again..talked to mrs alex..susa..a pity we din see annabel chow n mag low...but we saw shanthi..n talked to her..erm kinda weird for me..after 4 yrs toking to her..bleahs..but yea..talked to the teachers..miss IJ so much..hais..really so badly wana go back thr..im hoping i can relief teach thr nxt yr..really hope i can get it..then had lunch in IJ..affordable..good value for money.. (: haha...then went to jo's to slack...played speed n stress not wid uno cards...wid the gambling cards..haha..it was SO funny cuz mel kept trying to get her JQK right..hilarious man u mel..haha..but yea i was happy..which is good..thrs more to come..
after tt went to mr muthu's hse..was SO DAMN happy again..its another place i feel happy n peaceful in..n talking to mr muthu again..YAYNESS!!haha...was talking to the tuition kids n then realised how much i missed tuition wid jay ash jeff kart jan n fariha...gosh..
after tt met jan..went home wid her n talked..i lyk my 811 rounds wid her..haha..another thing tt made me happy again tt day.. (:

-sat..suta wanted me to follow her to dancefloor auditions..n i did..wid the intentions of studying after tt..but we din carry tt out OBVIOUSLY...n the auditions were lyk seriously FUCKING good..cant wait to see the show..then after tt went to get shob's present..went to suta's hse..waited for my grandma..got scolding frm my grandma for wearing the cross chain again..went home in a pretty foul mood..

-sun morn i went driving..tt was super fucked up..first time i was feeling so irritated wid my driving instructor..cuz he seemed so impatient..i was half gona stop the car n tell him to drive..god..tt sucked so bad..my moving off is still in the pits..fuck it la..
after tt went to shob's hse cuz it was her bday..stayed thr till lyk midnight+ even though thr was sch the nxt day..i like bdays n i like spending time wid ppl on their bdays..had lotsa fun wid roshini esp..our cam whoring tendencies..gosh unbelievable..haha..but yea..so all in all sun was pretty good.. (:

-mon tues wed..nothing much happened really..othr than the fact tt ive been having a ROTTEN headache or migraine since sat...hurts lyk hell..wed morn saw denesh..she came to surprise me in my class..was SOOOOO damn happy to see her..haha..missed her LOADS man..

anyway i realised how much ive missed pinks..wen i saw her last wed in zara..coincidentally i felt so happy tt we even exchanged a few words wid each othr..n tt was the day i lyk admitted how much i missed her..n smetime back wen she saw tt i was sitting for my FTT she chatted awhile wid me n wished me luck..u kno moments lyk these really make me happy..cuz i miss her so much...its really hell being in the same sch as one n not even talking to each othr or seeing each othr really..n then yest after maths lect or smth i was walking back to class wid her..i felt lyk hugging her cuz i was so happy tt i managed to talk to her..but i duno..i juz din haf the courage to hug her..its lyk pinks was someone who was ALWAYS willing to be thr to lend a listening ear,give u advice,give u encouragement..she was juz sucha beautiful person..for the record i think ALL my frens are beautiful inside out..well anyways i still love pinks alot..clare i miss lyk hell..haven seen her since 2/1 gathering..i PROMISE to go clubbing wid u after As kaes..its a promise...even wen she was in CJ we seldom got a chance to see each othr..it was so fucking annoying u kno..n now she is in TP..so i dun even get to see her pretty face around sch..n lene oso missing her n her letters..but she is always lyk busy studying or doing i duno wad..well in any case i SOOOOO cant wait for the deepavali dinner..its gona be 6 of us again..n hopefully fran can make it..it'll be lyk the old times.. (: happiness..thinking abt it makes me happy..n im glad tt my invitation for the dinner made all u guys happy cuz i got GREAT reactions frm u all..well in any case MEL JO CLARE PINKS LENE i LOVE you guys SOOOOOO DAMN BLOODY MUCH...really.. (: and mel n jo even though i din blog abt you guys im sure u guys kno i LOVE u guys PLENTIFUL N LOTS N MANY N LOADS N WHAT-NOTS...no matter wad i'll always treasure u guys.. (:

k wait one more thing..on sun after driving..as i was walking thru the carpark..guess who i saw??..OMGGGGG i sound lyk a fricking bimbo here..but i saw RAJAAAA aka KING aka MAJOR HOTNESS...OMG..i was lyk smiling so widely..then we talked a bit n all..then after tt while walking to the MRT stn i was RETARDEDLY smiling to myself..gosh he is lyk so BLOODY HOT..he's juz TALL DARK N FRICKING FRICKING HANDSOME la..OMG!!..im lyk sucha hopeless romantic..he's alrdy lyk attached..but he is juz SO hot..how not to admire him?...omg..im gushing now..HOTNESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.... (: (: (: (: (:
n this was meant to be a brief updating post..rightttttt.....

i //young of the butterfly// you 8:56 PM

Sunday, September 17, 2006

well today my instructor told me tt driving instructors arent allowed to book test dates for their fixed trainees anymore..so now it means i WUN be getting my license by nov like i wanted to so i cld drive myself to prom..but yea..i wun be driving anymore..to prom i mean..im trying my best to take it easy cuz i really wanted to drive thr but well...i dun wana feel upset anymore..fuck it..really fuck it..now i will prolly only get it nxt yr..hais..i juz duno wad to say or feel..

if i had told this to zana i kno she wld haf said tt thrs a gd cause behind it..n tt God prolly stopped it cuz maybe i ld haf failed it the first time round..or maybe i wld haf gotten the worst instructor..or maybe i wld haf gotten a shitty test route..i WANT to believe tt..u haf no idea how hollow n empty my words sound to me..i wish i cld believe tt..but i cant..im upset abt not being toget my license asap..its being dragged for so fucking long alrdy..hais..

n anyway i cleared things up wid the person i think n i hope..smth was juz nagging at me to explain myself..cuz i dun lyk misunderstandings esp wid ppl whom i consider impt..so yea..i juz really hope i can go back to normal..cuz usually ttz vry difficult for me to do..

i really think my mum is crazy..she wants to get a tattoo n pierce her navel..BUT she thinks ppl wid many ear piercings are indecent..so i asked her since i haf 8 am i considered indecent..she said yes..n i said gd cuz im gona get more at the end of the yr..randomness but yea..i think im the first in my family to brk tt stereotype tt teenage girls wid more than 2 piercings r havoc...i haf 8 n i want more...n a nose n navel piercing.. (:

went to watch VV yest..wid family..i HATE watching police movies..KK was another movie tt had the shittiest ending...at least this one wasnt bad..but its ok i guess..saw uma n uthaya thr..haha..spent some time talking n crapping..uthaya seriously will never shut up..

by the way i juz told zana tt i wun be able to get my license by nov..n she said exactly wad i thot she wld haf said..

today's miss vasantham..was MUCH better..i think the intelligence department is so much stronger is in this batch..n i HOPE devi priya gets the title..she is juz HOT SEXY n BEAUTIFUL..

things to look forward to nxt wk
-PRELIMS ENDING ON WED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-spending the remaining of wed in zana's hse slping
-thurs morn going back to IJ..thurs afternoon wid darling chris n TDWP
-fri morn prolly beach n my diary..
-sat i got smth on but i cant rem wad..
well hopefully nxt wk will be fun (:

i //young of the butterfly// you 4:30 PM

Saturday, September 16, 2006

DEAREST JANANI NAIR..A VERY VERY VERY VERY BLESSED BIRTHDAY TO YOU..I HOPE U HAD A GREAT DAY..WANTED TO GO OUT WID U TODAY BUT UNFORTUNATELY HAD TO HAF A STUPID PAPER..ANYWAYS I HOPE U ENJOYED URSELF GREATLY KAES..I MISS U..NEED TO TALK TO U SOON..HOPING TO SEE YOU SOON AGAIN GIRL..ANWYAYS ONE LAST TIME BLESSED BIRTHDAY..LOVE YOU LOTS.. (: AND ANYWAYS UR GONA GET RID OF ME IF I HAF THOUGHT OF GETTING RID OF MYSELF RITE?SO CAN U JUZ DO IT ASAP..BUT BEFORE U DO IT LEMME PLS DO A FACIAL FOR U..VRY FUN.. (:

FAITH MELODY ZACCHEUS..MY BRO'S CRAZY U KNO..AND THE DELE GATE JOKE..GOOD ONE THR MEL..HAHA..ANYWAYS WE SHALL GO BACK TO IJ OK.....WANA MEET U (: N SEE U (: N TALK TO U (: AND THANKS FOR ALWAYS LISTENING (: HUGS AND LOVES BACK TO YOU (:

JO LAU...I MISS U SOOOOOO MUCH N WE'RE BOTH IN CJ STAND NXT TO EACH OTHR DURING ASSEMBLY CLASSES NXT TO EACH OTHR N SELDOM TALK LA JO..HAIS...WE SHALL GO BACK TO IJ ON THURS KAESSSS...N TALK THR..LUBS CHU MUH DARLING (:

UDAYA..YEA MY BRO IS CRAZY I SWEAR..PRETTY STRESSED UP WLD BE AN UNDERSTATEMENT (: ANYWAYS THANKS FOR THE ENCOURAGEMENT..LOVES (:

i am going to n i MEAN i WILL attempt suicide once this wkend..for the fun of it..for the whatever of it..i will do smth..be it taking a whole box of panadol..or cutting myself..or jumping out my window[lyk chris suggested]..i will...for the fun of it..really..any othr suggestions ppl?how abt u jan??maybe u can take the knife n pierce it thru my heart..

i admitted to chris today..doing all this is actually deep down inside a cry for help..but then again maybe im juz going mad..really going mad..

right now ALL i wish for is my sec 4 yr again..the memories..in IJ..in tuition..all too precious to lose..
1.having mel niva n yipin in class..then mel n niva ALWAYS not being thr during assembly..n me being sad..then having them thr in class always..talking..trying to keep each othr awake..going toilet together..
2.having clare fran pinks lene jo mel priya niva yipin ALL in the same sch..spending recess together..ALWAYS..
3.tuition
4.meeting jay jan ash kart ALMOST everyday
5.MR MUTHU the ONE person who kept me going on..the ONE person who kept me positive for tt whole yr..the ONE person who pushed/motivated me n NEVER gave up on me..NEVER..i miss him..ALWAYS..ALOT..

this is all juz summming it up..one thing i miss the most abt my sec 4 yr is tuition..i juz wish i was back thr cuz then now i wldnt be so negative anymore..mr muthu was the one thing tt kept me going on tt yr..despite all the family problems n shit..he pushed me he motivated me..n i was so thankful for him..i think tt was the best yr ever..n u kno i was juz thinking tt if i was thr now all this shit wldnt be happening in my life..u kno mr muthu was my mother/father figure...both my parents haf never actually been thr for me..n to me mr muthu was lyk my mum/dad..always encouraging me motivating me talking to me..doing wad i think a parent shld be doing..i always looked up to him as a grandfather/father figure..n sitting here typing all this makes me wana cry cuz i juz wana go back to tuition...i juz wana go back thr n talk to him..one day isnt gona do any gd..i need to go for a few mths...i need to..

i plan to disappear after the As..go stay wid Ani auntie for awhile in Aussie..aways frm ppl..wana see asiah too..need a brk frm a lot of things..actually i need the brk rite now but i kno i wun get it till after As..so i gotta wait..and anwyays they..the whole family of 9..ani auntie's family will be coming down nxt feb for 2 wks..n my mum agreed to let asiah put up here..i CANNOT wait to see her...its been YEARS..n i mean YEARS..the last time we saw each othr was lyk wad 7 or maybe younger?...i miss asiah...n the small cute lil sister daphne..hehe..n i wana see the new cute lil children...

yest smeone mentioned smth along these lines 'no pnt telling it cuz it wld be lyk im explaining to a wall'..tt hurt..vry bad...n i cried upon reading tt..i dun think tt person reads my blog[i think i will give tt person my blog add anwyay]..but if u do..well i want u to kno tt hurt..u kno smetimes its not tt i DUN listen to ppl..i do..i listen to wad u hafta say but i juz dun take action on it..u kno im scared..to change myself..i duno y..i juz am..of people's reaction..wad if i end up becoming smeone i hate?..alrdy i hate myself so much...wad if i become worse??..n u kno im thinking wads the pnt in changing?..wads the pnt in becoming positive?...wads the pnt in hoping for the best??..thing is i juz DUN see a point in it..ALMOST EVERYTHING i do turns out wrong..turns out fucked up..ppl may say 'its cuz YOU choose to think so'...ok fine maybe..but things ALWAYS do end up lyk tt..u kno wenever i tell zana tt evrything i do turns out wrong,she always tells me to look on the bright side cuz i learn smth frm it..fair enough i do..but im STUPID enough to make the same mistake again..then i end up hurt again..ttz why i say evrything turns out fucked up..how come i juz cannot learn fmr the damned fucking lesson?..then again it proves the pnt tt im stupid rite?or maybe juz slow..i really wonder how come i dun believe in being optimistic..i duno..i juz cant..i juz cannot believe tt smth good will happen to me or happen at all..i dun see anything good..i kno tt a few things tt happened to me tt were good..they still are..im talking abt ppl here..im thankful for them in my life esp chris n zana..n a random few othr stuff have happened tt were good..but othr than tt ive only known of sorrow,anger,hatred n no-love..ive become so stubborn tt ppl think they're talking to a wall..ur not..n dun call me a wall again cuz it hurts..it made me think last night haf i really become lyk a wall?..maybe to ppl i haf..but i do listen..i really do..its juz tt i cannot change..not yet..i do understand tt wid this attitude im not going anywhr..as u can see im still not headed anywhr..but i really duno how to change it..really..maybe it really is time to talk to mr muthu..i think i need to..he is the only person who is gona understand..

im juz crumbling..brking apart n i duno why..thrs still a lot i wana say..juz haven put them into words yet..

n right now i wana talk to zana as well..spending the evening wid chris was good..i was thankful tt i went thr..managed to talk so much...under all tt happiness n laughter n hyper-ness was juz too much of sadness...i juz cldnt take it..needed an outlet..n thank God chris was thr..really needed smth/smeone to make me laugh..really needed tt..

anyways driving tmw morn..n im praying for a clear n quick thinking mind..cuz tmw's assessment..nxt 3 lessons r gona be assessments..n i need to go get my passport size foto..n im gona be telling him tt i passed my FTT n see if he can get me an early test date..n hopefully he can get one before nov n i pass tt oso.. (: juz hope all goes well tmw..

then midnight show wid relatives..gona be doing tt after a REALLY long time..i miss them..n sathesh of course......cant wait.. (:

i //young of the butterfly// you 1:00 AM

Thursday, September 14, 2006

-im really tired..n i mean both physically n mentally tired..doesnt help tt its prelims n im back to my insomniac pattern of sleeping..my brain is juz dead..my body is equally dead..

-been talkng to clare lately..made me realise how badly i missed her..its been SO long..really..i really wana catch up wid evrybody soon..i miss mel jo lene n pinks too..

-im burning up..literally..having a fever..all this shit will happen during prelims..

-i miss denesh n kohila..wish i cld tok to them lyk prev how we used to tok evry morn...well guys ALL THE BEST for ur promos..love u guys..

-i really dun mind dying rite now..

-these past few days ive given up on studying..i either switch on the com n watch the time as it ticks away or stare at my phone n watch the time as it ticks away...[tis sentence sounds wrong]

-cousin's getting ROMed nxt yr..another cousin getting married..hais its alrdy time man..evrybody is either getting ROMed or MARRIED...so sad...n yet so happy....

-sat down for one n a half hrs juz now n cleared my mind abt her..had quite enough really..now its up to me to let go..n i realised after close to one yr i haven..

-TUES: i thot lit was fine..HOD was good..GM was good..BNW was fine..
-WED:econs was shit..Q3 was good..i felt so motivated n confident..then came Q2 n Q6 which i fucked up im sure...
-THURS:lit open bk was[in one word] FUCKED..EVERY bk...even HMT...
-tmw FRI: MATHS MY FAV..wish i cld feel as confident as i used to last yr..but i cant no more..so God bless me..if He wants to..

-i really think i will be doing the world a gd deed by getting rid of myself..firstly NOBODY/NONE OF MY 'FRENS' wld haf to deal wid me..they wldnt haf to share my sorrow..n im sure many dun want to..they wldnt haf to share my joy..which they may want to..they wldnt haf to deal wid sucha low esteemed person..they wldnt haf to deal wid such an ass..last time i wldnt even think twice abt smsing zana wenever im upset..nowadays i think MORE than thrice if i ever feel lyk letting her kno im upset..thrs no pnt in telling ppl..no pnt..ttz why for the past month or so ive been keeping evrything to myself..i haven talked to zana or chris abt anything..i only inform them wen im really happy lyk wen i passed my FTT...ttz all..thrs so much i wana say here right now..but i REALLY cannot bring myself to do so..juz cant anymore..

lemme end on a funny note (:
mum : delegates frm overseas r coming to spore for the IMF meeting
bro: wad is delegates
mum abt to explain
prav : God u duno wad a delegate is?
bro : i think its Bill Gates son.
mum n prav look at each othr n burst out laughing.bro embarrassed n shuts up.

i //young of the butterfly// you 10:41 PM

Monday, September 11, 2006

Damaged by TLC..

I know I'm kinda strange, to you sometimes
Don't always say, what's on my mind
You know that I've been hurt, by some guy
But I don't wanna mess up this time

And I really really really care
And I really really really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
Cos I don't want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It's nothing to you

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged

I might look through your stuff, for what I don't wanna find
Or I might just set you up, to see if you're all mine
I'm a little paranoid, from what I've been through
Don't know what you got yourself into

And I really really really care
And I really really really want you
And I think I'm kinda scared
Cos I don't want to lose you
If you really really really care
Then maybe you can hang through
I hope you understand
It's nothing to you

My heart's at a low
I'm so much to manage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged
I'm falling in love
There's one disadvantage
I think you should know that
I've been damaged

one song tt reflects me vry well..not juz the love frm a guy part..but ive been damaged in almost every way..

i //young of the butterfly// you 12:16 PM

Sunday, September 10, 2006

ive passed my BTT
ive passed my FTT
im waiting for the day wen i will say : ive passed my TP test n got my license.

(: (: (: (: (: (: (: (: (:

i //young of the butterfly// you 12:57 AM

Thursday, September 07, 2006

[edits]
last night was the shittiest night..n THANK GOD for ISWARAN N FAIZAL N RAJ..i went clubbing last night wid chris n annapoo..faizal n his fren were supposed to follow us but in the end they din wana go..so 3 of us girls went to drink cuz it was ladies night..we went to Gotham..free flow..we all had the 3 different vodkas..gin tonic..n chris continued wid bourbon or whiskey..whilst i juz continued wid vodka..all in all i think we all drank abt 6-8 glasses..those 2 nuts got high n went out of control..esp annapoo..after Gotham we went MOS n annapoo cldnt even dance properly..brought her to toilet n she vomitted evrything out..THANK GOD chris was smsing ish at tt time..n ish realised she was gone too n he called me..asked faizal to come down to MOS..so i brought the both of them out met faizal n raj..gosh..duno wad to say man..felt so scared..chris wldnt shut up..MY GOD!.she juz cont toking shit..finally brought them to macs..n sat thr the whole night..left at abt 6+ close to 7..took bus hme n slept nicely in the bus..i was juz thinking thank God i decided to go clubbing last night..if not i duno wad wld haf happened to these 2 girls man really..n thank God for ish who tried his very best to lighten my mood n cheer me up....n he did..was toking to him on the fone for damn long..passing the fone around among me faizal n raj..n chris frm time to time who blabbered sme shit into the phone..n having faizal n raj thr even tho i din kno raj..man..im damn damn grateful..even though its my 2ns time clubbing we've drank before..seen chris drink before..n this has never happened..had to happen yest of all nights..and surprisingly i wasnt high or anything..instead of them 2 taking care of me,i was taking care of them 2..nxt time we go clubbing the guys r so coming wid us..[edits]

its been fucking long since i blogged..well am blogging now cuz i got my com back..anyways to sum things up..........

-the ppl whom i thot made life in CJ good are the exact ppl i DO NOT wana continue wid...maybe a few here n thr...but not all of them..

-hp dropped into soup..the saddest day of 2006 for me..cried myself to sleep for weeks cuz i was so sad tt the msgs n the hp were gone..it was the emptiest feeling ever..to top it off my mum gave me hell without even finding out wad actually happened to it..

-sathesh[cousin] my bros n my female cousins r ppl ive come to love SO much..its so overwhelming..wen im wid them juz us children it feels so good n loving..i feel so blessed n its lyk the best feeling in the world..n its nice being the big sister taking care of all of them..i really do love all of them..

-wad happened on 20th aug i will never forget..the whole fucking misunderstanding cuz of I-DUNO-WAD..actually i think i was juz a bit too sensitive...i hate problems lyk this..i dun lyk dealing wid them esp wen things tt i said to ppl i trust gets passed around...n then this becomes lyk the 'Broken Telephone'..so yea..tt was one day i really hated..

-month of august always evokes jealousy in me..seems lyk i will never haf my parents love..hurt me so bad to see my parents celebrating my bros bday n not giving a damn abt my bday..

-"u know all along i've been telling pple.if u really love tt friend never let the person go no matter wad.cos its part and parcel of friendship to go thru shit.that's how u become the best of friends"..from niva...wonder if i shld haf applied this in priya's n jay's case?

-ash thot we gave up on her n tt made me so upset..promised to meet her after prelims n tok cuz we need to..n i miss her lyk hell..

-thoughts of suicide entering my head again..this time worse n its lyk i think of it more...im juz going nuts really..

-driving is ALMOST done..am QUITE glad..hoping to get my license ASAP..

-i LOVE ONAMs n DEEPAVALIs...cuz its a time of gathering for evrybody...tt day at onam priya chechi asked sham chech chris n me to be smth lyk a bridesmaid/flower girls...i kno we r a bit old..but yea its a diff thing..we're gona be carrying lamps..I CANT WAIT!!!!...haha..n jaya chechi n priya chechi r totally the sweetest..(:

-went thru my memorabilia tt day...cried over a lot of things..namely ppl i guess..n God also..
1.Pinks
2.Priya
3.Jay
4.Jolene
things seem very broken between me n each of this individuals..n well i really duno..but going thru all those things tt day made me juz wana go back to IJ forever..never wana leave tt place..

-went back to IJ to see susa n mrs alex after our teachers' day celebration..was SO HAPPY to be back in tt blessed n loving place...esp seeing these 2 teachers juz totally brightened up my day.. (: n spending the day wid my darlings denesh niva fran n kohila.. (:

well i guess ttz abt all my summing up.. (:

i //young of the butterfly// you 6:15 PM