Thursday, October 04, 2007
dearest little love.i am not going to publish your name here but you know who you are.decided to do this since you were really too tired to talk.there wasn't much said i know.but i need you to know that i am here for you.well firstly you asked me how far would i trust someone.a lot.i trust zana,you and chris with my life.totally.the 3 of you have done too much for me.i tell you anything and everything and you know that.in these few months i have opened up so much to you and you mean hell a lot to me now.when i trust,i trust that person to no end.because it makes me feel secured and loved knowing that there is someone i can trust and someone who trusts me back.i just trust the person with everything.as for why you bother so much and cannot stay firm with him.i don't have the answer to that.because between you and him you know its purely friendship.as for me and him you know there was more to it.whether he did anything or not i was willing to forgive him because i really liked him.in your case i really don't know why you can't just chuck him away because i have done that to all the guys who took me for granted as a friend.and you know how i just chuck people away.i know how much he has hurt you and i don't want to see you go through that pain again even though you think he has changed.i never did trust that fellow and i don't think i ever will.but seeing you do so much for him and him not appreciating it is what makes me feel for you.being stone hearted and one mother hell of a bitch is something i expertise in.haha.which is why i easily put people out of my life.it is not a problem for me.i mean think about that stupid gang from CJ.how within these few months i just completely let go of them?and honestly after telling thad everything,we haven't kept in touch.if you really want to push him out of your life you just got to be strong and ignore everything of his/him.you just need to really let go.perhaps there is a small part of you that still cannot let go which is why you are a bit stuck.i know that i sometimes say 'let us give things/people a chance'.but knowing what he has put you through and everything i really don't think it is a good idea.and another thing is he tried to come back in your life when the wounds are probably fresh.you haven't fully healed and recovered from the things that happened which is why you get that funny/weird feeling.same thing for me here.i saw him after 1year and 2months.after that long time.enough of a healing period.what did i do after that?call zana and laugh.and to think that all this time i was so afraid.and thing is even though i still like him i will not let him back in my life.same thing for you girl.you need the time to heal and think things out properly.and sometimes some people just aren't meant to be in your life.and girl like you said yourself you don't feel good about anything and you hardly ever feel like that.obviously that spells trouble.trust yourself.because you know yourself best.your perception that every time he is nice,something bad happens.it isn't wrong of you to have that perception.there have been times when a lot of shit happened which is why you feel that way.it comes from the experience.it has happened before and it possibly could happen again.everybody has a fear like that.it is not irrational or stupid.it is human to have that fear darling.and now to be completely honest with you.i was actually very surprised when you told me that you thought he was changed.i do not know why.but when you were talking about him you let it seem like you were back to normal.i was actually wondering how come it just happened you know.but now i know that you are still unsure and everything.and also i was trying to figure how you could make that out from just a phone call.well maybe it is because you know him well i guess.if it were me i still would not trust what he was saying over the phone.but then again i never really clarified this with you so i don't quite know.perhaps you also didn't trust him.you are a person with just about the biggest heart ever.that i know for a fact.and that heart might tell you to give him a chance or still have that soft spot for him.it will happen.could have happened.but eventually you will know what to do.but i don't want to see you end up hurt again.i don't want you to live through that again.just know that no matter what you have got my shoulder to lean on or cry on if anything ever happens.because i really do love you a lot.i always say i love you when i don't know how to express myself.it's like this.i somehow know the pain of it.it is slightly similar.i know that pain and hurt and anger and hatred and everything else that comes from it.it is not easy to deal with and i don't want to see you struggling with it.but if it ever happens you have to deal with it to learn from it.but throughout the journey i am going to be there beside you,walking with you.know that.
to everybody else.hello.well well.quite a few things have happened these past few days.
tuesdays with janani and christina.haha.fun fun fun times infinity.jan is so funny with her addiction to her munchy donuts.she had 4 donuts for herself people.and she doesn't put on weight.i swear she has a secret weight losing formula.maybe we got to get you drunk and get it out of you jan?haha.
anyway so on the way home in the feeder bus i think we saw monan.he was waiting at that bus stop.and to be completely honest my heart just stopped.and so i looked away.my heart was beating really fast and i couldn't quite think straight.the effect he still has on me.but after everything the whole situation seemed pretty funny to me.i called zana,talked and really laughed like a lot.and jan and i are still trying to figure out who that girl was.haha.jan i am telling you it is either the sleeping partner or spare tyre.haha.after 1 year and 2 months.after this long long long time i thought i would be freaked out and scared and panic when i saw him.it wasn't much of a panic attack or freaking out or getting scared when i saw him,it was heart stopping and then really funny.it didn't leave me with any bad feelings.don't worry.i am fine.i know you don't get why it is funny but it is.and to think that was the place that we both were at during the very very very last time.how we were sitting.everything is funny.dark humour?and don't get me wrong.i know i am still not completely over him and i thank God for putting me in the bus and him at the bus stop.i thank God for not letting me get off at that bus stop earlier and walking home because i WOULD have met him somewhere along the way home.i thank God that he did not get on that same bus as me.i would personally like to believe that this is the last i am ever going to see him and that this is the final healing of whatever i went through.or if it is meant to be a 'sneak preview' for something bigger then i trust that God will bring me through.
university is becoming way way way more than what i asked for.i am having a lot of problems with a lot of my work.i just need to put myself in that studying mode like pretty soon.i have got 8 weeks to my mocks.and 8 weeks to study 6 completely HEAVY modules.
and friends i know you mean well when you ask me to do something to change the way my life is.i have tried.i tried enough.and for now i am really sick of trying.i appreciate your worry and concern but don't.just be there when i need to cry or talk.that is all i ask of you.janani and priya thank you very very much for caring.but i have tried.maybe just not enough.but i don't want to do anything for now.university is taking up a lot of my life and i am glad for it.i don't even see my mother or dad much.come home and i only talk to my brothers.but all has been fine and sane so far.
zana interpreted another dream the other day.surprising how she managed to interpret it spot on.it was exactly what was happening in my life.putting the distance between myself and suse auntie/sathesh is very very painful.not telling my mother that i have been meeting suse auntie every morning when i go to school is another thing i fear my mother will find out one day.telling suse auntie not to say anything makes me feel like a complete bitch.but i cannot help it.and not seeing sathesh for so damn bloody long makes life so..empty..the only other guy i would trust my life with besides my father.i just hope that one day i get my ass down to seeing them.and when i do that once again i have to lie to my mother.because if she knows the truth she won't be happy.it has been happening for sometime.this whole lying to my mother when i meet my aunties and stuff but lately it has just got me wondering and very confused.but i don't want to trouble myself further.as long as she doesn't know anything,she can remain that way for a long long time.
ok all.i am dead tired.the above italicised post applies to only one person and if it doesn't concern you don't think too much ok?and janani you asked for an update.haha.this is for you.and jay what happened to you becoming a PR on this blog?you want to be exiled from land of the little child of God?i am going crazy.it is 3.30 in the morning.so don't blame me. (:
i //young of the butterfly// you 2:28 AM