Thursday, September 27, 2007
i think my fears are that..
i will never find a man who will love me for me.
i will become the mother that my mum is and my kids are going to end up hating me.
nobody in my family as in my parents and brothers are ever going to love me.
i fear having a family.because i am scared that i am going to be like my mother.and that my kids are going to feel as incomplete as i am.i am scared that the father of these kids will one day stop talking to his daughters like what happened between me and my dad and that my daughters will feel that i am not there for them.i am scared that my sons won't love me sincerely and get scared of me because i nag.i am scared that when my kids get older they will think of abandoning me.i am scared that when i return home form work everyday i will nag.there are many more but i can't find the words.
if you think these fears are irrational then fuck off.and i mean it.just fuck off ok.
i wonder if my mum ever feels guilty for nagging.i wonder if my dad ever feels guilty for not talking to me.i wonder if my brothers ever feel guilty when they don't stand up for me.i wonder if my brothers really do love me.but actually i know the answer to this particular question.they don't.
i have yet to write a 'last wishes' letter.and in the future i intend to write a letter to the 'future husband'.and also a letter to the 'future kids'.
i thought i was stronger.maybe i am to a certain extent.but i still cannot find the explanation as to why i cry.
right now i could do with my own apartment properly furnished.i could do with my own car.and i could do without a family to hold me back.i need my privacy.everytime i cry in my room i feel like somebody is watching me and that my parents and brothers can hear my sobs in the other rooms.everytime i want to talk about certain things over the phone i feel like they are eavesdropping.i feel like i am invading my parents' privacy whenever i sit in the hall watching tv with them.
god i don't know.i am trying not to hate life.i am trying to love God.i am trying to believe.i am trying a lot of things.but knowing that you are on the losing end makes things a whole lot difficult.it is difficult when you don't know who to turn to.when i turn to God i really wish he would somehow maybe send me a hug from up above or something because i really could do with one.but just because he doesn't do that doesn't mean i am going to dismiss His existence.
[i just lost track of what i was going to say]
A:are you happy with ur family?B:i amA:how do they show their love to you?how would you show your love to them?B:me showing love is very simple.i always say i love u.i always give it.i make them happy whenever can.be it even in the simplest ways like going to get things for them.them showing love is when they are there for me i guess.i know my parents always provide for me.always listen to me.support me psychologically and financially.my siblings i know they cant bear to see me hurt.when i cry they will be there.my sis will always bring tissue.my bro will come and tell me not to cry.they will basically ask and find out wad's wrong i guess.
i cannot even assure myself that my parents have been there for me through the times i needed them the most.my mother was the brilliant one who managed to put a monetary value for the hurt i put them through with my A levels results.$50000.my brothers say this 'u girls are all so childish.everything also cry'.which is why if i am hurt i don't cry till just before i sleep.but usually when i get hurt i feel this huge wave of..hurt?..like something just heaves in me.and sometimes i cannot hold back the tears.and when i tell or rather demand/command myself not to cry it lasts for maybe about 10 minutes maximum.why i am saying this i still don't know.my father once said that i should just get out of the house.it was said in the heat of the moment.in anger.oh that hurt.like a lot.i was showering in the toilet when he said that.he didn't realise that i was the one in the shower.and i just started crying and crying and i know i didn't come out for like quite long.i shouldn't take it to heart.but he did say it didn't he?
i guess maybe i am still trying to figure out what i want from my family.some people say be happy that you have all your family members alive and there.but i say...they may be alive and here.but what about being there for each other?like how a family should?things don't feel quite right.
about half of this post doesn't even make sense to me.i am not looking for pity or whatsoever from anyone.i am just trying to sort things out and learn things for myself.
i //young of the butterfly// you 11:41 PM