Friday, August 10, 2007
i guess i haven't blogged for close to 2 months because i know people would not be interested in reading stuff about my mum again.but then again i am writing this here because i cannot deal with writing too much in my diary at one time.cannot.these are my memories.
things are really not going well AT ALL.it just keeps getting worse and worse and i just keep trying to deal with it and end up not being able to do it.
my mother had a 'talk' with me a few weeks back.during which she said that she WANTED to talk things out but throughout the whole 'talk' kept on BLAMING me.i took it in and in and in.as always.she said a lot of nasty things.she also said a lot of untrue things.throughout the whole time my father sat there saying nothing.i was kind of half expecting him to slap me.perhaps a little bit of reaction would have been nice.i cannot say i know the man very well anymore.but it cannot change my love for him.after the 'talk' i tried changing myself but my mother didn't reciprocate.i cannot do anything anymore.i don't know whether it is called giving up.or called admitting defeat.but i know i really cannot and don't know how to deal with this anymore.i cannot.i am trying to not get angry over this kind of things anymore.trying to just put it past me and think happy thoughts.ain't exactly working.wondering if a counsellor would help.but the thought of opening up to an unknown person is plain fucked up.which is why i will never do it and be stuck in this.probably for a very very long time.
i was so fucking pissed off when i found out that once again my mother opened my school letter and so i didn't know about it until she gave it to me 2 days ago.thank God i called up the school and did the necessary.this is why i say don't fucking put your pretty nose in my fucking matters.
my mother says she wants to go out with me alone because she sees all the other mother doing it and obviously she wants to show the whole world that she can also do the same.but i have asked her 3 times already.and all 3 times she gave me this scathing remark 'why should you go out with me?just because you need my money is it?i am not giving a single cent to you.so forget it'..ok mum what happened to the whole wanting to go out with me and being like everybody else?oh right i forgot you are too fucking stingy with your money.
my mother says i never do sit down and talk to her about things.so i tried again.i tried telling her about my schools and work,asked her for some recipes so i can cook,told her some beauty tips.what did she do 75% of the time?ignore me and act like i never existed.it hurts.it feels like my heart is being ripped up REPEATEDLY when she does that.but then again i tell myself this always 'i have been tolerating it for the past 5 years what is a few more years?'.
i don't know.it is just so painful.very very painful.i am not numbed yet.just so upset.i don't even know what i want anymore.i really wish i could just fall and cry into someone's arms and stay there forever.
i //young of the butterfly// you 9:04 PM