Tuesday, June 19, 2007
i sat here at the computer about two hours ago meaning to free my head and heart from its pain but i could not bring myself to write down everything that i have been telling myself for the past six hours or so.
perhaps it is time i wrote my mother a letter.telling her whatever i have always wanted to say.i do not know how long i can carry on like this.
it feels like crap when your mother asks you to meet her at little india and then acts like even a ghost you does not exist.
it feels like crap when your cousins are all there talking to their mothers and your own mother does not even want to talk to you.
it hurts when she forever disapproves of your taste.
it hurts when she makes scathing remarks.
today when i went to that place to apply,niva's dad kept asking me what is the problem i am facing.i have nothing against her parents.in fact i am grateful to them for having come this far with me and helping me do a lot regarding this whole university thing.my heart just shattered when i saw niva come with BOTH her parents.you know why?at that point in time,my own mother did not even know where i was.she had no idea what i was doing.since sometime back,she has refused to sit down and talk to me about my university applications.everytime i brought something up i was always put down.she never ever ever helped me out.it hurts to know that my mother only cares so little.it is just so painful.
i felt tears pricking at my eyes when niva's dad kept questioning me about my parents.hell it is not my fault that i am so distanced from them.what can i do if they do not want to talk?they do not even bother to ask me anything about my life.they know zilch.what can i do?i fear meeting niva's dad again because i DO NOT want to talk about my parents.i really do not want to anymore.
sometimes i try to convince myself that my mother actually does love me.just that she shows her love in a very very very different way.but i cannot accept it.because all i want is to have someone i can really trust and talk to in my family.i do not.it is so emotionally tiring and taxing when you do not have that one person whom you trust your heart and soul with.i could give my heart and soul to someone in my family because i can be sure that they would take care of it.but i do not.
its just so painful that my mother has not been there for me since the time i got my A level results.it was as if she just chucked me in one corner after she found out how stupid i really was.she has no idea what i went through.i would love to let her know but she does not wish to talk to me.
it is also so painful that my auntie can appreciate something my mother cannot.when i told my mother about this university application,she told me to pay the full sum myself or not i do not need to attend that university whereas when i told my auntie she praised me on my choice and wished me all the best.see the difference?i feel like my mother curses me each time she talks.each time she says something it is as though she is cursing me without knowing it herself.
if you took out my heart right now you would see that it has been torn into pieces and bleeding so much because that is what i feel.i have not felt this in a long time.my heart just feels so heavy
and painful.it feels like it would be good to take it out and put it out for awhile till the weight and burden has gone down.
i just need my mother's acceptance.something that i have been wanting for a very long time.just her acceptance.
i have given up on hating her.it requires too much from me.and i do not want to hate her because i know that i love her too much.but unfortunately she does not realise it.
ultimately my only fear is that i will turn out to be a mother like her to my children.which i really do not want to.i want to be the best mother i can ever be and love them unconditionally and be there for them always.but the fear is just there.do not laugh at me and say that i am being irrational or paranoid.but i do think ahead.in about 20-30 years time,i do not want my children sitting at the computer blogging or writing in their diary that they hate their mother and that their mother does not love them.no child should EVER feel like that.i do not want my children to feel that way ever.but then facts and figures prove that daughters turn out to be like their mothers at least 90%.please save my children from me if that ever happens.
please do not say you understand because you really do not know how fallen apart,broken and hurt i feel right now.i wish there was somebody who would hold me in their arms.let me cry everything out.just hold me and let me cry.
i //young of the butterfly// you 12:23 AM