Monday, June 11, 2007
you know family can be a very complicated thing.meaning extended family.like your mother's sisters' children.somehow i know after my teenage years i have always sourced for love outside my family from my aunties and cousins since i always felt VERY happy around them.but a lot of things starting messing up since i was about 15 or so i think.everything just started going downhill because of issues.
i have been very very very angry for the past few days.actually to be precise since tuesday when suta came to stay.suta was someone special to me.pretty much the first female cousin i could really get along with from my mother's side.but very unfortunately i had to find out that she has been lying to me for a VERY long time.i would have been a bit more level headed and calm IF from the beginning she had told me about her crooked sexual orientation.i really would have advised her in a more calm manner.but i cannot accept the fact that she has been lying to me ALL this while whilst i have been doing so much for her.i would definitely expect MUCH more from a seventeen year old who has pretty much been through some shit.but it seems like she has nothing in her fucking head.i am just disgusted with her.i have promised not to talk to her for sometime because i know i am still too hot headed.i am not angry with her for being crooked but more that she has been fucking lying into my fucking face damn it.it is fucking annoying when someone you love does that to you or hurt you.but then again suta would not feel anything since she is so fucking in love with her oh-so-fugly-butch.i really do not know when i am going to calm down.then again if i mention any of this to my other cousins they would tell me why am i being so childish.trust me you do not understand how it feels to have this done to you especially when you love that person.
then the other two female cousins.logita and tina.i really do not know if they can be trusted.most of the time 'my female intuition' tells me that all of them are just a lying bunch of freaks and just keep them at arm's length or if possible way way way away from me.but then again the heart and the sappy love takes over and i tell myself i cannot do that to them.
i hate it when there are issues with cousins.you know why?they are going to be stuck to you for the REST of your life.they will be there.whether you like it or not.when i had a disagreement with chris last year i was prepared to NEVER EVER see my father's side because i did not ever want to see her again or talk to her.but then things cleared up slightly and i can only say that we are just civil to one another[that is in my opinion].but then my mother's side is different.we are always together.through thick and thin.through rain and sunshine.through happiness and sadness.we are each other's support.and i cannot believe something like this is happening.after the dinner on saturday i knew that i just will not talk to suta anymore.somehow i know it is going to take time for me to go and talk to her.because there will ALWAYS be something telling me that she ONLY speaks lies.
it fucking sucks to have cousin do this to you really.it broke my heart and it took me sometime before i eventually broke down.but ultimately the anger is still there.
friday was not really very eventful either save for the clubbing part.well when sinthu asked me to join them for chris's dinner,i told myself i would not because i was just DYING to meet clare.but then this fucking voice in me..i really got to kill that fucking voice..that voice told me that family should come before friends.so in the end i said i would go for chris's dinner and meet clare at the club.i had a.....i really don't know how to describe it..time.i waited for them for more than half an hour.was ready also at least 20 minutes before them.and then after meeting up i realise that it was not only us girls.we were going to meet 2 of their guy friends.ok let me clear this up.if it were girls i would fucking shut up but very UNFORTUNATELY guys and me do not get along.i am easily shy and embarrassed in front of them PLUS i HATE anti social guys.1 out of the 2 guys was fine.the other was simply getting on my nerves.i hate it when i have outings with people and i have nothing good to remember regarding the people with me.i felt alone and lost.2 feelings which i hate when i am with people i should be feeling close to.through out the whole dinner my mind was on the IJ girls and i just wished i had joined them instead.chris i am sorry if you are going to read this.but you know my issues and i have not changed yet.the dinner did not suck but i really felt so out of place.and i hate the fact that it keeps happening between us.
reading priya's blog sometimes makes me wonder how she is fine with mercy now.trust me i know that i am not really fine with chris.as i say civil is the word to describe our relationship.we do not talk as often anymore.we do not share stuff.nothing.it feels like there was even no point in clearing things up between us.
i have a lot of insecurities.always have had them.it just hurts when people break your heart or hurt you over and over again.it has happened to me many times and right now i feel so broken.it is like i keep expecting it to happen with people i love the most.i just somehow know that the relationship will eventually screw up.
it has been probably a month or maybe less since i have confided anything in zana.i have been avoiding vasan's calls and smses.sometime since i have confided anything in chris also.it has seriously been MONTHS since i met up with jan and just chilled.the only person whom i talk to is niva.that is all.right now i would say i lead a very lonely life.it upsets me that is for sure.but i cannot bring myself to talk to people and all when there are so many issues going on in me.people really would not understand.and please do not give me the bull about how sometimes to my amazement people would really understand.fuck off.i have no time for that shit.if more than half the people i love have been doing this to me then there really isn't anybody who can understand me.
then there have been this people who have been giving me the bull about positive energy and positive vibes.specifically the MOTHERFUCKER of an ex boss.i wish i could have punched his fucking face in and fucking make him lose his manhood.it is a good thing i quit WITHOUT any notice.it does not matter anyway because it was a fucked up job with fucked up people.he kept on telling me about how easily i gave up and how our indians never prosper because of that mentality.oh well i here for one happen to want a stable job with a stable pay since singapore's education system fucked up my life.if i had been able to close a few deals in those few days i would have not given up.but after 3 days of working..and mind you it was so physically and mentally tiring..i did not earn anything..fuck you motherfucker.don't fucking come and mess with my mind when i have already got so many things on it.
i know right now because of the issues on my mind,i probably will not be able to get along with most people.even the cousins.and unfortunately we will be meeting up quite a few times.at saturday's dinner i felt very out of place again.i just felt like i could not talk to them.they felt strange and foreign to me.i do not know how long this is going to last because honestly they mean a lot to me.but i realised that i did not even talk to sathesh properly.i know things will probably blow out of proportion soon.and this is why i am always always ALWAYS the outcast.
i had the weirdest dream the other night.i dreamt that this year i would wish hafiz on his birthday and he somehow said he wanted to talk about how things went sour between us.i surprisingly said ok.but then after meeting him all i remember telling him was how the 2 of his closest female friends were bitches.i do not remember his reaction.he could have slapped me though.i don't know?..and i told him that i did not want another girl calling me a bitch by being their friend so i eventually pulled away from them.then i walked off.a premonition?not really.but then i am really much happier without that bunch around.it was a terrible mistake.one that i HAD to make in order to realise that fucked up guys and even more fucked up girls exist.but then again as long as they wish me on my birthday i will definitely wish them back on theirs.
then i had another weird as dream with A LOT of water everywhere.like beautiful HUGE waterfalls in the hallways of school.how weird is that?and i remember myself wearing a nice baby pink top.maybe i was jane for the day?
i //young of the butterfly// you 2:15 AM