Monday, May 28, 2007
right about now.i cannot feel anything.i feel like a rollercoaster of emotions are running through me over and over again.aptly put i feel my whole body going up and down and up and down and up and down.i feel like i am about to throw up and cry and laugh and fucking hit something all at the same time.
i am in no mood to work tomorrow although it is going to be my first day.
i am in no mood to talk to my mum because i know she would never ever understand.
i am in no mood to face my family because they happen to think i am a fucking disgrace.
i still wish i had the courage to kill myself and actually SUCCEED in it.
i wish the throbbing pain in my right arm would go away just for a few hours.
i wish i could have made my parents proud of me forever.
i wish my parents never ever had to suffer.
i wish i could die and rid them of one burden.
my dad and mum both hate me and wish they had never given birth to me.
i wish that both my dad and mum had never given birth to me.
i wish that God had thought a HUNDRED times before making me their daughter.
i am the BIGGEST disgrace in my family.
i feel so ashamed of myself.
i feel like going back two years and doing it all over again.
i feel like dying.
i feel like the BIGGEST failure.
i feel like i have nothing left in the world.
i feel like i have nothing to fall back on.
i feel like i am fucked.
finally i just want to cry to my parents and tell them how sorry i am for failing them so badly.i want to cry to them and tell them that no matter what i do i would still take care of them and love them.but alas my mother would NEVER EVER understand how i am feeling.she would never understand that i feel this way.she would never understand.she thinks i think that everything is a big joke.they would never see the other side of me and congratulate me for that or praise or encourage me for that.they will never.
i am just a failure.nothing but a failure.
i //young of the butterfly// you 8:58 PM