Monday, May 14, 2007
i think i have let go of the anger and hatred today.i was just feeling so resigned after crying everything out last night.i absolutely fucking HATE god.i mean it.and this is one reason why i will NEVER EVER believe in Him again.i cannot do it because it is too painful.
on saturday morning,my father fell down somewhere.he fell on the leg on which he limps on.i fucking hate You for that God.upon hearing that when i woke up,these were the few thoughts that were running through my mind : "when he fell did anybody help him up or were people just laughing at him?what happened to him?how did he fall?".what the fuck do You think God?You think i hate my father and i do not care anymore is it?for Your fucking information i still do.i LOVE him like i love NO other.there was NO goddamn bloody fucking reason for You to do that to him.so why are You punishing him for?what did he do to You?honestly speaking God if I were in my dad's position,i wouldn't have a single ounce of faith in You because You have done nothing but trouble him since young age.he was born with a limp.his younger brother died at a young age.he never managed to come up in life.almost all his friends played him out.worst of all God SO DAMN MANY people criticised him.so how much more do You want to fucking test him?
i remember on saturday morning when i first heard that the first thing i did was curse and swear at God because i was fuming mad.when my dad came home,i realise he could not even walk properly.i hate You God.i really do.it was so damn painful and hurting for me to see him go through all that.too much for me to handle.i just could not.
what the fuck do You want from me?if You are not going to let my family prosper,then let me know.because at the rate You are going God it seems like you are going to absolutely fuck up all our lives.i am so sick of it.every morning/day when i pray,i pray NEVER for myself.i always ask that You keep my parents safe and that You ensure that nothing bad happens to them.same thing i pray for whenever i have the free time.and look at what You did.You expect me to have 100% faith in You after that and commit my life to You.NO WAY!For all you know You may decide to take their lives.i cannot believe in You anymore.i just cannot.i tried for a LONG time and really You have done nothing but mess things up SO BAD for me.and now You do this to my father.i cannot.
but after everything,let me just say this.it is so tiring to hate God.it is so tiring to curse and swear at You all the time.it is equally tiring to sit down and have thoughts of my father consume my mind.it is also tiring to think about my father and start crying and never stop.i wish You had been kinder to him and been more merciful.i wish You had let him prosper and make him better.
i feel so sad for my father because i know that his leg is becoming more painful each day.the one he limps on.it is getting more obvious.and i am feeling very scared for him.nowadays i worry more whenever he gpes to work.i will not be able to take it if anything happens to me.which is why i am having the most fucked up time now.i am worried sick and i have done nothing but curse God and cry like hell.
i hate You God.i really really do.
i //young of the butterfly// you 9:51 PM