Friday, February 23, 2007
22nd feb 07..my grandaunty passed away..
i don't know how to explain the feeling..
when i got the call from my mum after niva's BTT i cried on the spot..but i tried my best to be ok..then i went to the house..i had no guts to actually go and see her face..till the end i did not..i only saw her when they carried the body past me..yesterday i was fine..i managed not to cry in the house..but i cried myself to sleep..
what really shattered my heart was seeing my father cry..never in my life have i seen him cry..i cannot recall him crying at his father's funeral..really cannot remember..but when i saw my father crying that was what shattered my heart..i saw it again today and i felt totally like crap..
today i could not hold back the tears..i cried..i felt sad..because she is gone..she won't be there at anymore family gatherings..her body has been cremated..what is left is the ashes..everything is lost..
i felt sad because this is the first time after 19 years im actually experiencing a funeral where i KNOW what is happening..and it is a family member..i just cannot cry it out at home i don't know why..i feel like they wouldn't really understand..
i feel sad hearing what my relatives said..'you won't be here to see my wedding''who else do i have besides you'its just damn saddening..for my aunty it was her mum passing away..it must have been so heart wrenching..really..and for my cousins their grandmother..for me it was my grandaunty but even then it was a family member..
the sucky part is that the last memories i ever have of her were from dec 27th..how sick and small and frail she was..how she hugged and kissed me even in that condition..the other memories they are there..but the most recent one..it hurts really..
now she is really gone..nothing of her is left..i will not be seeing her at anymore family gatherings..she is gone..
the way my grandmother cried also broke my heart...it was her sister..her sibling..she had no strength to go down and see the body off..i don't know how she could do that..but i guess she has her reasons..i would have felt so guilty and upset if i had not gone for the funeral or not gone down to see the body off..
my brother told me that he overheard my auntie telling someone else this..two or three days before my grandaunty's passed away she saw a boy sitting near her..a ghost in literal sense..well apparently the boy was her long ago deceased son..and i think indians or rather hindus actually believe that when a dying person starts seeing dead relatives,his/her death time is very near..i just wish my mum had gone over more often to visit and see her..i wish we had some other warning..really i wish..
i really cannot explain things anymore..a part of me will definitely miss her..family gatherings will always remind me of her..and there is another thing that just struck me..my other two grandmothers are getting old..
i need to cry everything out..the sadness..how much i am going to miss her..i need to cry to somebody..i just need someone here with me..someone to be here without me asking..
i //young of the butterfly// you 11:08 PM