Friday, January 05, 2007
FUCK the new yr..the mother spoiled my first day of the new yr..she did evrything possible to wreck it..she did evrything possible for me to feel evrything frm rage to sadness to hurt...haf had enuff of her..
its a gd thing thrs work to take my mind off things..ive been numbed for these 2 days tt i had work..which is a GREAT thing..
i wish for a few things rite now..
i wish i cld juz punch my mum n make her shut the fuck up.
i wish i cld record her bloody fucking naggings n let her listen to it.n then make her bloody fucking realise how it can seriously drive a person CRAZY.
i wish i cld fucking torture her.
i wish i cld fucking hurt her the way she hurts me to ler her know HOW fucked up it feels.
she takes away evrything tt makes me happy..she deprives me of anything tt makes me feel good..JUZ BECAUSE SHE CANNOT GET IT..
i DUN CARE if my room's a BIG FUCKING mess alright..i DUN CARE..u fucking throw away ANYTHING u see bitch wad i fucking do to u..ive had enuff of ur crap..enuff..im going MAD..hearing ur constant naggings..ttz why i try to come home late evryday..or once YOU come home i lock myself in my room..cuz im SO damn fucking sick of u..
im sick of feeling guilty..juz cuz we go out n u spend $300 on me DOESNT FUCKING MEAN A FUCKING THING..cuz u OUGHT TO!!!!i used to feel guilty tt uve done such a thing n make me think tt i shld juz forgive u..but not this time i swear..i wun feel guilty..
its cuz of you FOUR FUCKING times ive hurt myself in a terrible fit of rage..i wish i cld haf maybe juz punched u or hit u or smth...but instead i do it all to myself..n then ppl fucking question me..ONE MORE THING PPL WHETHER I CUT MYSELF OR DRINK GLUE OR TAKE A WHOLE BOX OF PANADOL IS NONE OF YOUR BLOODY FUCKING CONCERN[this goes out to evrybody except zana of course]..i totally regret hurting myself..cuz the most recent scars r the 2nd ugliest shit ive ever seen..im disgusted to see it evryday..i wish i cld hide it but wads the goddamn fucking damn pnt wen ive alrdy done it..ive gotta live wid it rite..FUCK...
I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!
thr ive let it out..till the PMS clears which it will after i start to leak..DUN try to fucking piss me off..DUN..i swear..
now tt ive let out the rage..lemme let out the fear..after having such HATRED n ANGER for my mum..i happen to be VERY scared to haf a child of my own..in the fear tt she may hate me lyk how i hate my mum..in the fear tt she may turn out exactly lyk me..someone wid low self esteem..someone who isnt strong at all..someone who turns to hurting herself to let out her inside pain/for the fun of it..someone who is so screwed up..someone who hates herself for wad she is even tho ppl happen to love her..in the fear tt she may not get enuff love frm me..in the fear tt she may sit down at a com one day n type this exact same things..i also fear tt i may really start hating my mum..cuz im sure i dun..im juz vry angry at her for taking away things tt make me happy..i fear tt we will never ever ever fix the rtshp..
right now wad i need is a PLACE..a PLACE whr i can be by myself..a PLACE whr i can find peace..i juz need a peace of mind rite now..i really juz need to be away..frm things..frm ppl..i duno wad to do to get rid of all these fucked up feelings..
thrs no pnt in complaining abt chris anymore..i haven thot much of her since after seeing her at my grandauntie's place..duno if i forgot or wad..but the more i realise how much she has been in the same situations wid her frens as wad happened between the both of us..she still can make allowances for her frens..not me..makes me realise tt i definitely wasnt a priority in her life..it hurts to kno tt smeone u love so much cannot love u tt much in return..well i duno if im coping wid it..n id be lying if i said im completely ok..lets juz say i dun wana see her face anymore cuz i wun be able to bear it..it sucks to kno tt this happened between us..but i guess sooner or later we'll juz become surface frens lyk wad happened wid priya..i duno wen i finally got over the hurt of losing priya's frenship..i duno wen i finally got over the hurt of losing jay's frenship..thing is i dun even kno if ive gotten over it..i duno wen i will get over the hurt of losing chris..but i juz hope n pray it be soon..it wld be convenient if i juz forgot her rite..but dya realise its fucking hard to do it cuz she happens to be cousin..whom i will be seeing at evry family gathering..n the best part is tt her sis thinks she is right n tt im in the wrong..hais..wad happened to the matured mentalities of 24yr olds huh?..
i also see anothr thing..ppl cannot accept my temper/moodswings..well ppl u haf no damn idea how difficult it is for me to change it..really u dun understand..n u wldnt..i kno tt ppl i meet along the way arent gona last cuz we'll fight or drift lyk wad happens wid all the ppl i meet or end up loving..i wish id stop trusting ppl..i will..i hope..chris hates me for my FUCKING attitude..anybody else who hates me for it PLEASE lemme kno..i can compile a list..it wld keep me entertained for some time..besides it wld interesting to kno how many ppl hate me..
n ppl in case u dun realise thrs such a thing called the PHONE or SMS if u dun feel lyk hearing my voice..not only MSN or blogs exist ok..
n the person who said he wants to do the grand honours for my death..do u wana kill me?..cuz if u want to im open to the invitation now..juz make me die..as long as i die..
i //young of the butterfly// you 9:46 PM