Wednesday, December 20, 2006
She pulled up her skirt. Her leg didn't look too bad. There was a sliver-thin stripe of red with beads of blood emerging, like a red crystal necklace, along the rip. And bizarrely, this intense physical pain was manageable. It hurt but she could see the hurt, not like the hurt inside her that nobody could see.
She ran off to the loo, still holding the penknife. Sitting in a cubicle with the door locked, she hesitated before making another slice in her thigh. God, it hurt, but at the same time, it felt....good. She could control this pain. The fierce intesntiy of the physical hurt took away the pain in her head. This was centred on her leg. She was in control of it and that roar of control surging through her was like a blessed relief from all the hurt. She'd cut herself and let the hurt drip out. Who cared if she was marked or cut? Nobody cared. She'd do it again and feel the power of control over her life again.
Nobody noticed that the penknife had gone missing. It now resided in her room. And sometimes, not every night, because she couldn't do it every night, she cut small red marks into her thigh. Over the months, there was a criss cross of them: red raw and looking like she'd been flayed on one thigh. But nobody saw, she made sure of that. It was easy enough, who was going to see her with her clothes off?
Sometimes the wounds really hurt, stung her and she wondered whether they were infected. So she bought surgical spirit and doused her whole thigh in it, wanting to scream with the pain, and yet, that pain was good too, hurting her like everything else was hurting her. That knife became a symbol, the one bit of control she felt she had over her life.
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sounds like a psycho?..well ttz me for u..finally found smth to express wad i was feeling all this while..juz tt im not as bad as tt..got it from a book by the way..and it was kinda lyk my exact sentiments..
anyway went to surprise jo today since she injured her leg..well since she couldnt go for dinner we decided to bring the dinner to her.. (: hope she was happy..pity tt mel couldnt be thr though..but well i was happy..i mean time wid my IJ loves never fails to make me happy (: ..hopefully we can all go out nxt wed..(:
i wanted to juz clear my mind here..im vry vry scared of opening up to ppl cuz im vry scared of getting hurt..im weak i kno it n i also kno ive got a vry fragile heart..i get hurt by small things..small things can affect me vry badly..n i seem to juz haf a vry bad impression of guys n i seem to think they will easily affect me n also brk my heart[not necessarily in a romantic manner]..lets juz say its happened a few times..vry few..but its enuff for me to WANT to maintain the fact tt guys r juz bad..but unfortunately [or maybe fortunately] my opinions seem to be changing..bad or good?..i duno..i dun even kno wad i feel..if u saw the way i was toking to zana in the afternoon, u'd kno how scared/paranoid i am abt this change.. i USED to hate guys..but now i dun hate them anymore..its lyk ive always always always told myself NEVER to trust a guy or even haf a gd impression of them..but wad happened in CJ?.. good guys ACTUALLY exist..well im sorry..abt having such a bad impression of guys prev..i think it juz screwed up la..n it doesnt help tt guys suddenly start being nice all of a sudden be it out of genuine-ness or fake-ness..though the fake one i'd kno..actually i juz DUN want to haf a gd impression of them..except maybe a select few..im highly confused..still..after toking to zana..im seriously a very confused child..
and this yr's gona be a black christmas..not the mood..the colour code though..but really it doesnt feel lyk christmas at all..n im broke..broke enough to not even be able to buy chris n sham chech presents..im sorry..
haven toked to chris 5 days in a row..the fucked up empty feeling is still thr..im shutting up now..
n right now..im feeling very tired..but i cldnt slp when i tried to..im fucked up..all i kno is im gona continue doing this for the nxt few days..not haf enuff slp..be VERY grouchy..be VERY emotional..be VERY irritated..then i will brkdown soon..gosh i juz need tt breaking pnt lyk NOW!..
i //young of the butterfly// you 11:26 PM