Saturday, December 30, 2006
27th dec 06mid afternoon i get call frm my uncle saying tt my veli ammumma[grandauntie]is VERY sick n tt he wants me to inform my mum immediately..so i did tt..well in a state of paranoia of course..then abt 10mins lata i get anothr call frm chris..n she said tt my veli ammumma happened to only haf abt a 10% chance of living today n tt she wants to see evrybody..yea tt set me into FULL paranoia mode..showered changed n cabbed thr wid my bros..
she was lying on the hall couch..this small old shrivelled up person..had to pay her my respects so went to hug her n tok to her..which was so diff cuz i speak vry little malayalam..i hate myself for tt ok..after tt i teared..i went to sit down..
i cldnt eat or drink anything the whole time i was in the hse..all i cld do was sit thr n stare at her in shock n helplessness cuz i juz so wished tt i was in her place n tt i cld juz take away whatever pain she was going thru..
for 18 damned yrs of my life ive never seen a funeral..k acually wen i was 6 i went for my granddad's funeral..but heck i was 6 then..wad wld i kno wad was going on?..i was actually playing n laughing during tt funeral..but today..it wasnt even a funeral n i was vry vry shaken..
juz before i left i went to hug her n kiss her again..n i felt lyk crying so badly..n the fact tt she wanted me to kiss her moved me the most..cuz i remember a few months back wen my other ammumma got admitted n i went to visit her..then wen i left i kissed her n she said this 'for wad kiss..dun need'..ermmm rite...tt was lyk 2 slaps in the face for me..i felt embarrassed..is tt the word?..n well wen i hugged n kissed my veli ammumma i was gona brk down any min..but i was so touched tt she accepted..well she actually initiated the hug n kiss so i was really vry moved..
seeing my cousins n aunties cry really really made me feel lyk shit..it really did..i juz felt so helpless..i juz din kno wad to do.. she had no strength even to sit up..wen my cousin helped her up she fell right back down..i cldnt take it..n i juz duno why..evry time smeone said smth nice to me i juz started to tear..i really duno why..i cldnt tok..n i ignored most ppl tt day..
well in any case i really duno how im gona deal wid e loss if anything happens to her..n lyk everybody was saying tt she prolly has only a few days to live..but im really proud of her cuz 10-15 yrs ago wen she had her breast cancer thingy removed,doctors said tt she had only lyk 2 yrs to live..but heck she fought on for abt 10-15 yrs n im really proud of her..n then now this..i juz so hope nothing happens..well all i can do is pray..n till now though its only been 3 days nothing has happened..n i thank God for it..
thrs not one day tt passes without me thinking of her..im juz very very worried tt smth might happen..my days r juz filled wid paranoia..i juz wish n pray so hard tt nothing wld actually happen..
ppl if i need anybody pls i juz ask u to be thr for me..cuz im really gona need as much support as i can if anything were to happen..this is all i ask frm u guys..please..
nivesduno whether u still read my blog..but thanks..for cheering me up n toking to me..n thanks so much for bothering to call me to check on me..trust me i REALLY appreciate it to bits...cuz u kno tt these past few days things haf been kinda messy..thank u so much for calling darling..love u darling..
zanathough i kno u'll never read this..perhaps im riting it juz for memory's sake..saying thank u to u is lyk so cliched alrdy..anyway i really appreciate u for keeping ur doors open for me at all times..be it the doors to ur hse or the doors to ur heart..HA!..anyway thank u for taking away all tt paranoia those few times i called u n msged u n turned ur hse upside down in this past wk tt things went wrong..i really duno how u handle me cuz those few times i called u i wasnt even toking properly..i mean my mind was elsewhr n i was juz rambling n yet u listened..hais..in this shitty times i swear if u werent thr i prolly wld haf done some othr shit to myself..saying i love u to u is also so cliched..but anyway i love u..
priyaduno if u still read my blog..but in any case girl..i wana say thank u for msging me n letting me know..i never expected u to tell me in the first place..but thanks..i juz hope tt i was thr for u wen u needed smeone even though i was hugging u for lyk a few seconds n i barely got to tok to u..do pls take care of urself..n i juz pray tt u feel better soon..it may not sound truthful or honest to u but really i love u babe..take care n God bless..
sutashinihey darling..i gotta say thank u so much for coming over tt day..although u juz came for lyk so little time..u came hm,bought lunch,eat then leave..PIG!..but thank u for coming over cuz u helped me take my mind off many things..n remember this one thing girl i will always love u the way you are..n trust me on this..sathesh and i haf ALWAYS got ur back..so dun worry abt anything..we're here for u..love u lil pyrncess..
i //young of the butterfly// you 2:22 AM