Monday, December 18, 2006
i was lying in a hospital..the day just before my 20th birthday..i was dying..basically living my last moments..i couldnt speak..the only way i communicated was by writing on ppl's palms,crying or smiling..so wad was happening was tt i was in the hospital room wid zana,chris n *..and i was writing stuff on zana's hands n i was saying smth along these lines : 'you 3 are the vry few ppl who has actually been thr for me evrytime when i needed u guys..ive truly loved you 3 the most..and u 3 haf definitely made a vry significant impact on my life..i duno how to thank u guys..but im really grateful n appreciative of u guys'..then comes a flashback..yea a flashback in the dream..
it was prolly a few hrs ago or smth..n this time i was wid my family..i was basically in the same condition..dying n not being able to say anything..and i was sayign this to my mum: 'u kno mum thruout my entire life you've always looked down on me..i got my inferiority complex and low self esteem frm no one but u..u always managed to find a flaw in me..i was always ugly or black or hot tempered..but u kno wad mum all my frens NEVER once said anything bad to me..n in my lifetime i really got confused as to whether to trust my frens or family more..im so sorry tt we actually shared a love-hate rtshp'..n then it moved on to my dad n i was saying this: 'Daddy you are the only man i've ever loved so much..even though we stopped talking,you really haf no idea tt i continued to love u so much..u were the most perfect gentleman i'd ever known n i love u so..but whatever the case i wana let u kno i will love you always and forever'..i duno why but i juz never said anything to my brothers..then it went on to another flashback though i duno why it was this situation..
it was me n * alone..n * was crying..n * said this: 'pls dun do this to all of us..juz pls live on..ur making me cry once again..pls juz live'..n my reaction was juz to cry cuz i cldnt do anything..i juz knew i cldnt live..n it was so heartwrenching..
DISCLAIMER'S NOTE..* is NOT a bf if ttz e first thing tt enters ur mind..
n then evrything stops n it comes to my really dying moments..so everybody was in the room..meaning my family..relatives..IJ clique n CJ ppl..i was holding on to zana's n chris's hands..and then juz lyk tt i was gone..
i met God..i only remember a big white figure n me smiling up at him..n then i was put into Hell..i juz remember being surrounded by fire but not feeling any pain..
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tt was my dream..scary huh..zana gave me a REALLY gd interpretation of tt dream..n i realised kinda how true it was..but wad if..juz wad if this was a forevision?..it means id be dying in abt a year n a month's time...quite funny..i remember wen i was first telling it to zana i was choking up so badly..n i was scare i was gona cry...cuz it wld be kinda dumb to cry over a dream rite..but surprisingly while typing it out thr doesnt seem to be any emotions..perhaps the interpretation changed things..and the question ttz kinda bugging me is how come * was in the dream?
so maybe i am gona die by 20..n somemore RIGHT before my 20th bday..well ppl if it really does happen pls do visit me n lemme tell u how much i love u guys..cuz i dun tell u guys vry often..n do bring white roses..or any colour roses to my funeral..n IF ive touched ur lives in anyway do lemme kno juz before i die k..n dun worry im sure tt id haf had private time wid evrybody..so ppl i really really do love all of u..but then again i still do believe tt i will be dying before im 20..lyk wad ive been telling zana for the past yr n a half..i will definitely die before 20..thing is i WANT TO die..so yea..
n oso another thing..its funny how ive always been having this dream before..the same situation..but juz tt i never died..or i wasnt ever tt weak..i kno tt in those prev dreams id been admitted for an asthma attack..n wen my mum came to gimme my med the first time this was exactly wad id told her: 'mummy juz pls go..call zana..i only want her..ask her to come n i'll be fine'..weird huh?..never my mum or dad or relatives or even chris..juz zana..
n im shy to name who * is ok..which is why the name isnt thr..n ppl if u've got ANY interpretations of this weird dream do let me kno kaes..
k now my shoutouts to those 3 ppl..
ZANA BEGUMS..
zana zana wad did u do to me?..wad did u do to me tt uve become this impt?..wad did u do to me tt i think of u as my own personal angel frm God?..even tho i ALWAYS tell u i love you its never enough to express the amount of gratitude i haf in me for having u in my life..zana i love u frm the bottom of my heart..n i promise u if thrs ever gona be a man in my life he CANNOT n SHALL NOT take ur place.. (:
CHRIS..
we've had our fair share of disagreements..but no matter wad i love u almost as much as i love zana..but i KNOW tt ud think of me as weird if i were to tell u i love you the number of times i tell zana..i kno u alrdy think im weird anyway..but girl i love u so damn much..tt i hate to see u hurt or upset or sad..im glad tt ur one person who can withstand all my moodswings n still cheer me up even though i give u the worst attitudes..but girl juz kno this one thing i love u frm the bottom of my heart oso..i really do.. (:
* ..
ur msg isnt gona be as mushy dun worry..but i found it weird tt after a long time of not speaking to u u were in the dream..it bugs me..but in any case i wana say a thank you for evrything..u duno wad u haf done in my life but i believe ur my 3rd angel frm God..n the fact tt u were in the dream shows tt we were still frens for the nxt yr n a mnth..so dun get me wrong here but i do love u in a sisterly way n wad i wana say the most to u is thank you so much.. (:
JANANI NAIR..
u bloody piece of shit..im sitting here wondering why YOU of all impt ppl was not in my dream..but i found the ans to tt la..
1.u were holidaying wid naga cuz he struck toto or 4D n decided to bring to u miami to get both ur names tattooed on each othr in the shop they feature in miami ink..
OR
2.u were juz too short for me to see u..
haha..ur so gona kill me for tis i kno but darling lemme kno wen u get back frm msia..cuz we is needing to catch up..loving u always darling.. (:
i //young of the butterfly// you 9:59 PM