Saturday, December 16, 2006
i really guess its high time me n my inferiority complex juz go n die..
wen u love a person SO much..do u actually expect the person to return the same kinda/amt of love?..or even if its less do u juz accept it cuz its the someone u love so much..but i cannot..i feel lyk wad i give the person i do not get the same back in return..n i guess it hurts..but wen u think abt it we both actually love each othr plenty but show it in different ways..its MY inferiority complex n low self esteem tt got in the way..so its me who is wrong rite..but then again i wonder isit really MY inferiority complex n low self esteem tt got in the way?..isit?..
clubbing yest was kinda...off...im HIGHLY pissed off at chris..yea...very..n im gona tell her off pretty soon..n the club n the crowd sucked..id rather haf juz gone to MOS..but nvm..shant complain..maybe if id had a fren wid me i prolly wld haf spent the whole night out..but then zana told me right frm the start NOT to go..n maybe i shld haf juz listened to zana..actually its not a MAYBE shld haf..its I SHLD HAF listened to zana n juz not go at all..but why i went?..for the sake of the othr 2 cousins..whom i juz wanted to get to kno better i guess..but the whole night was juz weird..ttz why i HATE going out in odd numbers n going out wid ppl i feel uncomfy wid..
n anyway chris..u may read this or may not read this..but i felt SO stupid last night..FIRST TIME im REGRETTING having u around...never have i had this feeling..i was holding back tears since 2+ or maybe even earlier..n i was waiting to leave so tt i cld juz cry..n tt was the 1st thing i did wen i got home..i dun even kno wad it was..i think it ranged frm hurt to anger to regret to maybe even dislike..n i dun even kno whether i shld let u kno abt this cuz i duno wad ur reaction wld be..i mean wen i let u kno in sec 3 u were vry understanding abt it..n we MANAGED to clear things up..but this time around i duno..i dun think things r gona get cleared up cuz the problem is wid ME..n as usual i dun think u will EVER understand my inferiority complex,my low self esteem..i dun think u will ever understand the type of person i am..really..n ttz wad hurts the most i suppose..i mean all the while uve been one ive loved so dearly but also the one who cannot really understand me..i cannot blame u i guess..but really after last night thr were juz so many things running thru my mind...im at a loss for words..
i dun even kno why i typed tt..but i duno i juz had to.. been feeling so emotionally fucked up today..even while watching TV i juz cried..i duno for wad reason..but its prolly cuz of last night..
i told myself id be happy for a few days..but well.....im still happy tt zana's here..but othr than tt evrything sucks..
i //young of the butterfly// you 8:44 PM