Monday, November 20, 2006
so hafiz's lunch today..i went expecting the worst...lets juz say it was kinda good..well definitely a brk frm the usual fcked life..but smehow my mind was smewhr else..
another totally random thing......
1.u must be stupid..
2.u haf such a big heart tt u CANNOT bear to tell IT off..
3.u dun believe IT but u juz dun give a fuck..
4.u dun believe IT but u actually let tt be known..
take ur pick..n wen u figure it out do lemme kno aites??oh by the way my 15 yr old and 12 yr old bros take 4..which is so OBVIOUSLY the smartest choice..
so i wana run away...why???..really praveena why do u wana do tt?..the utmost bottomline is i juz need a brk frm these ppl...frm family mainly..maybe i dun wana run away..but i juz wana be away temporarily..i cannot take seeing my brothers being put thru smewad the same shit i was put thru..even tho they are handling it WAY better..they dun seem to hate my mum..but i think ttz cuz they got my dad to tok to..i feel lyk its a prison whr im living in..i cannot watch the tv wen my parents are back frm work cuz they hog the tv..at night i cant slp n smetimes i cant use the com cuz my bro needs it..in the day i haf hsewrk n othr stuff to do..now since its the As its juz studying..but after tt im juz gona haf NOTHING to do..im lyk living without a purpose la...its juz shitty..u kno wen u juz haf nothing to do at all it can drive u crazy u kno..sitting thr n juz stoning..i think its driving me crazy bit by bit..
n trust me i SOOOOO need a brk frm PEOPLE in general..gosh...honestly as im becoming older im meeting weirder n weirder ppl...its so tiring to make compromises for evrybody n deal wid them..really..i lyk try to make compromises for ppl cuz i kno thr r ppl out thr who make compromises for me...but gosh smetimes ppl juz push u to ur limits..i juz wana be away frm those ppl who make me feel lyk i haf no worth..i wana be away frm ppl who are an INSULT to MY existence [oh n thr r PLENTY]...
And that’s all. Life, human existence ultimately amounts to one big NOTHING; this is the nothingness of human existence. This is nihilism. Life perceived and understood in this way is no longer meaningful. Instead life viewed in this way seems absurd, so pointless, so meaningless.If this is all there is to life, then what is the point of it all. Not being able to see any rhyme or reason to life inevitably makes life seem absurd. the urge to pick up bharatha natyam again is bloody strong..i juz wish my mum wld encourage me a bit more n be happier tt i wana take it up..in any case im doing it soon..maybe this sat..go thr n sign up..
n anyway hearing my mum LIE thru her teeth smetimes hurts me..she juz says a lot of crap abt me..n it juz bring my self esteem lower...i think now its in the negative millions..i juz feel so completely stupid..she keeps drilling it into my head tt im ugly n tt i DUN behave lyk a girl..k the ugly part forget it cuz wen i TRIED to prove to her tt im not she managed to pick out MANY flaws..BUT how dya want me to prove to you tt i really am a girl??n tt i do behave lyk a girl?..gosh smeone pls tell me i dun behave lyk a girl?..sat RIGHT after family gathering she gave me hell..she started shouting n scolding n putting othr sort of rubbish ideas in my head..n even wen my relatives were thr she kept saying tt i duno how to pick out sari colours..i felt so exasperated..cuz i KNOW she hates black n i NEVER do pick any black saris wen i go out wid her..n she kept saying tt i do..i mean why?..why does she lie till lyk tt?..n i feel SO completely stupid for sitting here,typing this n crying at the same time..i feel so goddamn helpless..
n thr was this pnt in time wen i told her she shld watch munna bhai 2 cuz its abt ghandhi's teachings..she told me straight in my face tt i shld go learn n change myself first..omg mum do u even realise tt ur more screwed up than me?..do u ever haf moments wen ur TRULY GENUINELY happy?..haf u come to realise tt money ISNT evrything?..i can answer both for u..NO and NO..im so sick of having to deal wid you..i TRY to help u realise but u dun want to..im so....at wits end...
n she keeps reminding me tt i once said tt i dun give a damn abt wad othrs say...true i dun..u kno why cuz they happen to say 'good' stuff abt me..nothing,never ever tt puts me down..whereas u do...my frens ALL happen to say stuff to heighten my self confidence but do u kno u DUN?..u juz say all the WORST UNIMAGINABLE stuff abt me tt i feel pretty disgusted wid myself..k maybe ttz another reason why i wana die..
my own mother..my birth mother..my mother..the ONE being who supposedly comes BEFORE God..she hates me for me..she juz doesnt lyk me..perhaps in a certain sense she sees sme of herself in me..n ttz why she hates me..god i duno..i really dun..n wad to do?i hate myself too..
thoughts of suicide..something i still do have..i dun care if u call me a fucking coward cuz u think im not brave enuff to go jump off the building..really dun give a damn..maybe to a certain extent i am..definitely..it takes ALOT to actually do it..today in hafiz's hse smth lyk this happened la the whole talking abt suicide thing..in a sense its quite funny..but then again wad makes u think i dun actually do othr stuff to myself?..i was juz thinking..ive actually tried othr shit so many times juz for the fun of it..i find the whole thing SO funny..ive even contemplated juz spoiling my life...u kno lyk going into prostitution or joining a gang..or doing smth REALLY stupid..but fortunately or maybe even unfortunately i only haf thots of it la..not really wana do it..maybe this is one of those things tt distracts me frm my alrdy fcked life..
ultimately i think my life is juz a complete joke..i DUN want ppl to feel sorry or whatever for me..but pls seriously feel free to laugh at my life...
n i think i sound lyk a complete psycho..
i //young of the butterfly// you 12:11 AM