Sunday, October 29, 2006
suta u wanted an update..here goes..
today..29th oct 2006..today was the 2nd time i recall tt i cldnt control my hatred n anger..i felt lyk an enraged beast wanting to tear smeone apart..n it all started wid my bro spitting in my face..i wanted to tell him..not scold..tell him its wrong..he ran away n threw a cushion at me..in the process he knocked down the choc pudding cointainers n spilt the juice on the floor..he also knocked down a drink..on top of all this he REFUSED to clean it up..n then i got up to grab him n he ran to the kitchen toilet..n spilt the dog's water all over..wad does my mum do?..shout at me..she told me to get lost..then she shouted more angrily 2nd time round..n i got damn fucking pissed at her..so i went to my room locked myself up..n wad did she do?she started throwing her bloody fucking tantrum..she started shouting..then she banged on my door..i opened it n she threw my shoes into my face..
this was wad happened..smehow i wished my father had been smewhr ard n tt he had juz taken my head n rammed it into the rock wall..get my head split open n lemme die...or rubbed my face on the wall n get me disfigured n lemme bleed to death..i went to my room..i wanted to cut myself..but i din i duno why..i started hitting myself instead..i wanted to fucking die..i wanted to get an asthma attack thr n then n juz died..i wanted to take as many panadols as i cld..but i din haf any in my room..i juz wanted to die..
why shld i even be in this family when my mum has called me a fucking bitch?
why shld i even be in this family when my mum threw shoes into my face?
why shld i even be in this family when my mum regards me a stranger?
why shld i even be in this family when my mum and dad dun even talk to me?
why shld i even be in this family when my mum says she picked me up frm the dustbin?
why shld i even be in this family when my mum calls me black?
why shld i even be in this family when my mum says im ugly?
why shld i even be in this family when my mum tells me tt ALL my relatives hate me for who i am?
why shld i even be in this family when my mum says i haf a stone for a heart?
why shld i even be in this family when my mum fucking hates me?
i really wana die..i cannot take this anymore..after today i kno for sure my whole family hates me..im juz nothing to them..i dun mean anything to anybody..i kno for sure tt i haf no purpose in this world..i also kno for sure tt God doesnt care abt me juz lyk my mother doesnt..i kno tt my mum hates me so much..i saw the hatred in her face..
i cldnt even bring myself to call chris or zana to clear my heart..i duno wad to say abt tt..
i contemplated running away tonight..i oso contemplated dropping out of sch..or juz not turning up for the A levels..i contemplated giving myself up for prostitution if i cldnt find a job..i contemplated dying..i wanted to brk the windows n run away..i wanted to do smth so drastic..but i ended up lying on the floor for a few hrs..i dun even kno wad was running thru my mind..or whether i slept..
i juz wonder why my mum hates me so much..wad did i do to make her hate me?..i mean..i juz dun understand why she treats me lyk i dun exist..why she treats me lyk a stranger..
i cannot take this anymore..im really at a loss as to wad to do..i really wish id die soon..juz wana die..its no use trying to psyche myself into thinking tt all this is normal or tt all this happens in every family..ive been trying to find a purpose in life..n i cant..the only words tt can really express wad i feel right now is i juz wana die..
i //young of the butterfly// you 9:23 PM