Thursday, October 12, 2006
lemme juz say a few things tt ive been thinking abt these past few days..a lot has been happening..i haven got the chance to tok to ppl n maybe i juz dun wish to..i dun even tok to zana or chris much anymore so dun expect me to tok to othrs much..
i really wonder wad it wld be lyk to haf suse auntie or santhi auntie or radha auntie as a mum..well suse auntie n radha auntie is cuz they treat their kids lyk their own frens..they share a MOTHER-DAUGHTER relationship..they tell each othr stuff..they go out wid each othr..the mums dun mind going out wid their kids n vice versa...whereas my mum refuses to go out wid me..nags whenever i suggests it or juz point blank refuses to go out...n santhi auntie i duno she is juz nice to her daughters...she talks to them..she doesnt come home n throw a bloody tantrum..but then again my cousins wld say tt they wld prefer my mum..cuz they look at her as being nice to me oso..the pnt of this entry is not to show ppl tt my mum is a freak or anything but to sort things out in my head..i kno my mum is good hearted n nice..i really appreciate her n all the stuff she has done for me..cuz i kno tt in my family i was/still am/will be the most difficult to handle..i am juz very unpredictable..i appreciate her..but wad i really want from/in her is a fren..whom i really can rely on n tok to..a real fren who isnt gona backstab me or treat me lyk dirt or make me feel lyk shit...but i cant get tt frm her no matter how hard i try..i mean i kno thr may be othr mothers out thr who dun give a damn abt their kids or abandon them or whatever shit..im thankful tt my mum hasnt done tt to me...but really it hurts wen u realise u cant even find a gd fren in ur own family..not in ur brothers or parents..its bad u kno..i kno ive been scarred by this..im really trying to repair it..im not wallowing in self pity or depression here..im talking to my bros evryday in the hope tt one day they will realise tt i do love them alot..n im doing my best wid my parents..trying to help them as much as possible..n talking to them even though they dun usually talk to me..u kno i try so hard..but really thrs a limit for me..i haf reached my limit..lyk a long time ago..but im still trying my utmost best n its so futile..its tiring to continue..its hurting as well..n i mean who will actually understand this?my mum got a new job this wk..n she has started to come home wid her temper..so evrytime she comes home she juz shouts n shouts n nags..she need not be shouting at me but i juz feel weird wen she shouts..i duno how to explain it..i duno if its fear or anger at her..i juz duno how to explain it..n yea we haven spoken to each othr at all this whole wk..how cool is tt huh?..n wen she quit frm her job she told my auntie not to tell me anything..why not?..am i a stranger to u?..am i an outsider?..am i NOT supposed to be a part of this family?...why do u not tell me stuff?..why isit tt u hide stuff frm ur children?..it hurts me really it does..but after awhile i really gave up on finding out wad was going on in her life..i gave up cuz she wldnt tell me no matter wad..n u kno its cuz of all this wen my aunties try to be nice to me i shy away frm them..im scared to tok to them too much or let them into my life cuz im afraid tt i will start to turn to them for a motherly figure..i rem wen i found tt zana's mum calls me her daughter n really treats me lyk one i was really so touched..cuz she really treats me lyk one unlike my own mother...but after all this i juz cannot hate my mother..i cannot alrdy..i haf no energy left to hate..n besides i dun want to..i also know tt on the outside evrything looks fine n good..it seems as if we both haf a perfect rtshp but trust me we dun..n i also understand tt ttz e same for the rest of the ppl...on the outside things look good but i kno on the inside smetimes thrs shit n all tt...so yea..smehow it seems lyk wad i was thinking of n this post so do not tally wid each othr..if onyl i cld type as fast as i think..
n well tmw..oct 13th..marks my end in CJ..will i miss it?i duno..but one thing i kno is im sure as hell happy to be out of the damn sch...it made me go thru so much of shit..wid myself..my classmates..n my 'frens'..evrytime i go back to mr muthu's i realise tt i made the biggest mistake by going CJ..i actually wanted to go CJ cuz i wanted to be wid ym IJ frens..but i will say this one thing..none of them did stick by me..none..well ive learnt a lot of stuff though..who can be trusted n who cant be...who r juz users..no doubt all my IJ frens did let me down..niva..fran..pinks..jo...all let me down..but tt was last yr..n im alrdy over it..ive had enuff on depending on othrs..ttz y tis yr i din give a damn abt being alone or whatsoever..this yr i came to the pnt whr i cant be bothered if im sitting alone or walking alone or being alone..juz cldnt be bothered..n this yr i met quite an interesting bunch of ppl..the indian ppl..i really cant be bothered if u guys read tis or whatsoever..hafiz was the one person who made a huge impact on my life the way zana did..its amazing..since i appreciated him in this short time tt i knew him whereas it took me quite long to appreciate zana..but back to the pnt..these ppl..once again they taught me a lot of things..zana said one day id be thankful for them in my life...n this is the day..where im thankful i HAD them in my life..after i learnt the truth abt one of them i pulled myself away cuz i din wana get involved..i din wana go around lyk a blind bat..i din wana let them bring me down..n after a few more mths i pretty much distanced myself frm them..n im glad tt e end of sch is finally here cuz i really had enuff in CJ..n after this i dun think i will be continuing any of my friendships wid these ppl..maybe my classmates..but othrs no..being in CJ was really a majorly tough time for me..but im thankful schs done wid...juz the As to go..after tt im off..
deepavali's ard the corner..excited n not excited at the same time..im inviting a big bunch of ppl this yr n im wondering how im gona entertain all of them..ttz lyk the main worry on my mind..n sitting/seating space...thrs absolutely no space..in my room..im ok wid u guys crashing my bed n all..but i dun think EVERYBODY can squeeze on e bed so yea...n also this yr a lot more relatives will be coming in the evening..hais..i hope things go well..n i hope i find smth to wear..
the fear of losing chris to monan is back in me again..im not ashamed to admit this insecurity cuz chris is smeone i love vry much n one of the 2 who has the top priorities in my life..n well tt asshole is back..n i haven heard frm her in a vry long time..cuz ive been busy wid the bloody books so yea..im juz scared..of wad i duno...n i dun think chris will lyk put him over me but looking at it frm my POV,my vry insecure POV, it definitely seems lyk it may happen..n im SO hoping smehow they DUN go to the same uni as each othr..im sorry chris..but im praying so hard tt ur not going anywhr he is going..n im praying tt u will juz get into NUS..so tt i will meet u thr..n hopefully i go thr oso..
yest i was reading this book my cousin gave me a few yrs back..i read it before but it didnt really make an impact on me..but yest it made me think...thr was this title on 'WHEN YOU NEED LOVE'..i happened to turn to tt page cuz i was curious..n thr were MANY verses...telling me how love is truly evrything n the greatest power of all..i was thinking for quite smetime ive been telling ppl tt i lack love..zana agreed wid me..i was a bit taken aback..but yea..i feel i do lack love cuz all those i trust n love so much eventually let me down or hurt me...but then im wondering HOW wld u define love?...isit wen a parent buys things for a child?..in a way its material love maybe?..isit wen parents shouts at a child wen they do smth wrong?..isit wen parents give u too much of trust,space n freedom tt it almost seems lyk they forget tt u actually exist?..isit wen a fren shares her innermost feelings wid u?..i thot ttz trust?..n here im assuming tt trust comes wid love or vice versa?..isit wen a fren calls u once in awhile to go to sch wid u cuz she doesnt haf anybody?..i thot ttz using?..thr r so many examples i cld give...but then it wld lyk im starting to blame ppl..i duno..i juz never understood wad love is..n wad im trying to understand is FAMILY and FRIENDS love..dun even bother abt bringing in the boyfriend's love part..i so dun believe in tt bullshit yet...hell no..not even wen ppl ard me r together for a yr or more than 3 yrs..love maybe i do understand a bit of it..cuz then i was young..i knew tt my dad loved me n i loved my dad..i still do..i love my dad fiercely strongly n whateverly..but smetime back my mum told me im not his favourite anymore..i knew i was so upset..tt i teared...n came home n cried so badly..it was one morn wen we went for brkfast..but after we stopped talking i knew ttz wen evrything went downhill for me..but then love then to me was so simple..to me this was love:
1.he wld evryday after work,come to my room,sit down n talk to me..EVERY SINGLE DAY..
2.me waiting for him to come back wen he was OTing..even if it meant waiting all by myself in the hall n falling aslp till i hear him opening the door..n then him carrying me n tucking me into bed..
3.me holding his hands evrywhr we went.
4.me kissing him evrytime we parted..
..the memories r alrdy fading..they are..but this was love to me..my dad was/is/will always be my one true love..i kno it..n i kno strongly tt the day i fix my rtshp wid him will be the day i change my perceptions[misjudged/wrong] about guys in general..trust me..u guys reading this may scorn at tis or laugh at this..but only id kno the truth right..
i //young of the butterfly// you 4:57 PM