Saturday, September 16, 2006
DEAREST JANANI NAIR..A VERY VERY VERY VERY BLESSED BIRTHDAY TO YOU..I HOPE U HAD A GREAT DAY..WANTED TO GO OUT WID U TODAY BUT UNFORTUNATELY HAD TO HAF A STUPID PAPER..ANYWAYS I HOPE U ENJOYED URSELF GREATLY KAES..I MISS U..NEED TO TALK TO U SOON..HOPING TO SEE YOU SOON AGAIN GIRL..ANWYAYS ONE LAST TIME BLESSED BIRTHDAY..LOVE YOU LOTS.. (: AND ANYWAYS UR GONA GET RID OF ME IF I HAF THOUGHT OF GETTING RID OF MYSELF RITE?SO CAN U JUZ DO IT ASAP..BUT BEFORE U DO IT LEMME PLS DO A FACIAL FOR U..VRY FUN.. (:
FAITH MELODY ZACCHEUS..MY BRO'S CRAZY U KNO..AND THE DELE GATE JOKE..GOOD ONE THR MEL..HAHA..ANYWAYS WE SHALL GO BACK TO IJ OK.....WANA MEET U (: N SEE U (: N TALK TO U (: AND THANKS FOR ALWAYS LISTENING (: HUGS AND LOVES BACK TO YOU (:
JO LAU...I MISS U SOOOOOO MUCH N WE'RE BOTH IN CJ STAND NXT TO EACH OTHR DURING ASSEMBLY CLASSES NXT TO EACH OTHR N SELDOM TALK LA JO..HAIS...WE SHALL GO BACK TO IJ ON THURS KAESSSS...N TALK THR..LUBS CHU MUH DARLING (:
UDAYA..YEA MY BRO IS CRAZY I SWEAR..PRETTY STRESSED UP WLD BE AN UNDERSTATEMENT (: ANYWAYS THANKS FOR THE ENCOURAGEMENT..LOVES (:
i am going to n i MEAN i WILL attempt suicide once this wkend..for the fun of it..for the whatever of it..i will do smth..be it taking a whole box of panadol..or cutting myself..or jumping out my window[lyk chris suggested]..i will...for the fun of it..really..any othr suggestions ppl?how abt u jan??maybe u can take the knife n pierce it thru my heart..
i admitted to chris today..doing all this is actually deep down inside a cry for help..but then again maybe im juz going mad..really going mad..
right now ALL i wish for is my sec 4 yr again..the memories..in IJ..in tuition..all too precious to lose..
1.having mel niva n yipin in class..then mel n niva ALWAYS not being thr during assembly..n me being sad..then having them thr in class always..talking..trying to keep each othr awake..going toilet together..
2.having clare fran pinks lene jo mel priya niva yipin ALL in the same sch..spending recess together..ALWAYS..
3.tuition
4.meeting jay jan ash kart ALMOST everyday
5.MR MUTHU the ONE person who kept me going on..the ONE person who kept me positive for tt whole yr..the ONE person who pushed/motivated me n NEVER gave up on me..NEVER..i miss him..ALWAYS..ALOT..
this is all juz summming it up..one thing i miss the most abt my sec 4 yr is tuition..i juz wish i was back thr cuz then now i wldnt be so negative anymore..mr muthu was the one thing tt kept me going on tt yr..despite all the family problems n shit..he pushed me he motivated me..n i was so thankful for him..i think tt was the best yr ever..n u kno i was juz thinking tt if i was thr now all this shit wldnt be happening in my life..u kno mr muthu was my mother/father figure...both my parents haf never actually been thr for me..n to me mr muthu was lyk my mum/dad..always encouraging me motivating me talking to me..doing wad i think a parent shld be doing..i always looked up to him as a grandfather/father figure..n sitting here typing all this makes me wana cry cuz i juz wana go back to tuition...i juz wana go back thr n talk to him..one day isnt gona do any gd..i need to go for a few mths...i need to..
i plan to disappear after the As..go stay wid Ani auntie for awhile in Aussie..aways frm ppl..wana see asiah too..need a brk frm a lot of things..actually i need the brk rite now but i kno i wun get it till after As..so i gotta wait..and anwyays they..the whole family of 9..ani auntie's family will be coming down nxt feb for 2 wks..n my mum agreed to let asiah put up here..i CANNOT wait to see her...its been YEARS..n i mean YEARS..the last time we saw each othr was lyk wad 7 or maybe younger?...i miss asiah...n the small cute lil sister daphne..hehe..n i wana see the new cute lil children...
yest smeone mentioned smth along these lines 'no pnt telling it cuz it wld be lyk im explaining to a wall'..tt hurt..vry bad...n i cried upon reading tt..i dun think tt person reads my blog[i think i will give tt person my blog add anwyay]..but if u do..well i want u to kno tt hurt..u kno smetimes its not tt i DUN listen to ppl..i do..i listen to wad u hafta say but i juz dun take action on it..u kno im scared..to change myself..i duno y..i juz am..of people's reaction..wad if i end up becoming smeone i hate?..alrdy i hate myself so much...wad if i become worse??..n u kno im thinking wads the pnt in changing?..wads the pnt in becoming positive?...wads the pnt in hoping for the best??..thing is i juz DUN see a point in it..ALMOST EVERYTHING i do turns out wrong..turns out fucked up..ppl may say 'its cuz YOU choose to think so'...ok fine maybe..but things ALWAYS do end up lyk tt..u kno wenever i tell zana tt evrything i do turns out wrong,she always tells me to look on the bright side cuz i learn smth frm it..fair enough i do..but im STUPID enough to make the same mistake again..then i end up hurt again..ttz why i say evrything turns out fucked up..how come i juz cannot learn fmr the damned fucking lesson?..then again it proves the pnt tt im stupid rite?or maybe juz slow..i really wonder how come i dun believe in being optimistic..i duno..i juz cant..i juz cannot believe tt smth good will happen to me or happen at all..i dun see anything good..i kno tt a few things tt happened to me tt were good..they still are..im talking abt ppl here..im thankful for them in my life esp chris n zana..n a random few othr stuff have happened tt were good..but othr than tt ive only known of sorrow,anger,hatred n no-love..ive become so stubborn tt ppl think they're talking to a wall..ur not..n dun call me a wall again cuz it hurts..it made me think last night haf i really become lyk a wall?..maybe to ppl i haf..but i do listen..i really do..its juz tt i cannot change..not yet..i do understand tt wid this attitude im not going anywhr..as u can see im still not headed anywhr..but i really duno how to change it..really..maybe it really is time to talk to mr muthu..i think i need to..he is the only person who is gona understand..
im juz crumbling..brking apart n i duno why..thrs still a lot i wana say..juz haven put them into words yet..
n right now i wana talk to zana as well..spending the evening wid chris was good..i was thankful tt i went thr..managed to talk so much...under all tt happiness n laughter n hyper-ness was juz too much of sadness...i juz cldnt take it..needed an outlet..n thank God chris was thr..really needed smth/smeone to make me laugh..really needed tt..
anyways driving tmw morn..n im praying for a clear n quick thinking mind..cuz tmw's assessment..nxt 3 lessons r gona be assessments..n i need to go get my passport size foto..n im gona be telling him tt i passed my FTT n see if he can get me an early test date..n hopefully he can get one before nov n i pass tt oso.. (: juz hope all goes well tmw..
then midnight show wid relatives..gona be doing tt after a REALLY long time..i miss them..n sathesh of course......cant wait.. (:
i //young of the butterfly// you 1:00 AM