Wednesday, March 08, 2006
3rd day of orientation n im SERIOUSLY shagged..been having a vry bad migraine since mon...i hate it..n i feel so out the whole house thing..juz hope thurs finale night will be fine..i hope im ok...n not pulling a long face lyk evrybody puts it..
i miss my IG..i duno..feels so odd..i think my IG was really great...even tho thr were probs...ppl showing attitude n stuff..but really other than tt the others made up for it..i really want them back la...hais..
anyways im feeling more n more like a failure each day..im juz failing in evrything u kno..n i feel really stupid..i mean i really feel lyk i haf no purpose in life at all..ive been hearing so much frm ppl...failure is juz a temporary setback..hell yes it is...but then again to me its juz a permanent setback..i feel lyk sucha bloody loser for failing..it upsets me a lot u kno..it juz does..n i mean even wen i tell ppl its not lyk anybody understands..evrybody tells me to relax not to panic not to be scared...its not easy for me to do it cuz i set vry high standards for myself n REALLY wana achieve it..but i never do achieve my aims..never..it juz further proves the fact tt im dumb....i duno..i got news tt i failed sme stuff this wk...n i felt lyk shit..i really did..ive never felt dumber in my life..it makes me feel lyk i try n try n try n YET never get it..so wtf?...y shld i even bother to continue?..
lately thrs been so much shoutings going on at hm..i duno..for no apparent reason..even tho they dun shout at me i get scared whenever i hear anybody raising their voices..i figured perhaps its juz a psychological thing...i duno la..it juz feels crazy..i remember at the strt of the yr how upset i wld feel if i came hm at lyk 10+ n be not able to see my family..but nowadays i juz dun wana come hm to see anybody anymore..again the feeling on unwantedness n being unloved comes in..n i dun lyk this feeling..i really really hate it cuz its the shittiest feeling ever..really..
seriously evryday..almost evryday i feel so upset..i think maybe ive figured it out..im not upset wid the things tts happening around me...but more lyk im UPSET wid myself for the way i turned out..screwed up in evry aspect possible..its seriously fucked..i mean the more i see myself the more i hate myself..maybe this causes me to appear as a real bitch or a really fucked up person or smth..i really really hate myself so badly smetimes...
the frens i haf around me..i appreciate all of u..evry single one..im glad tt ive got u guys u kno..but smetimes it feels as if they r juz making empty promises or saying stuff tt has no meaning...its juz sad..i mean its on a general lvl la..no one in particular...smetimes i feel lyk maybe i shld juz be a loner or smth n never make or haf any frens..
im also glad tt ive gotten closer to my class..i realise the ppl can actually be really super caring n nice...juz tt u gotta look for tt side in them..cant wait to get back to class with them..met michelle today after 3 days..i miss her lots lots lots...i hope she is getting along ok in class oso..hais..feel damn guilty leaving her lyk tt but i dun haf a choice..but i will be back soon michelle..so u wun be alone anymore.. (: (:
lastly..im glad tt jay isnt leaving yet..i need time to prepare myself for her leaving..so yea im SUPER glad tt she aint going..YET..
i //young of the butterfly// you 10:35 PM