Friday, February 24, 2006
ive been riting a lot of letters to God recently...small notes..long letters...hate n love...evrything la...juz feeling so down n upset lately..CTs r next wk...am staying back evryday n mugging lyk nobody's business...i deserve to at least pass my damned maths n lit...
firstly...right now the only ques tt has been in my mind for a vry long time is
'do you really exist God?'...really do u?..cuz its difficult for me to believe tt u do..n believe or haf faith in u..i really duno how my faith started backsliding...but it juz did...so terribly...n it has come to the pnt whr i doubt u ALOT..i really duno God...i duno how to connect wid u or tok to u or approach u...i swear i duno...right now im lyk praying for a near death experience whr You would come n tell me smth..or juz show urself to me..so tt id believe...cuz i think not believing tt God exists is the WORST thing tt cld ever happen in life...n also its a bit mad to belive in God n yet believe at the same time He only hates U n ONLY U..
n i think i kno y ive stopped believing in u..u shld kno tt deep down inside i miss priya n her sisters ALOT...last yr wen life felt so empty n desolate priya filled up the gap...she suddenly became the sis i never had...the bestest fren anyone cld ever ask for...she became almost evrything to me...n wen we suddenly stopped toking for i duno wad reason, God ttz wen i HATED u n believed tt u HATED me...n ttz wen i tol myself YOU DIDN'T EXIST..tt was when i STOPPED believing...wen i let sush udaya n nives read tt letter i rote to u,they all pretty much said the same thing...tt u exist n tt u lyk playing games wid us..n blah blah..n then i tol sara tt u hated me n he said tt God doesnt hate anyone...but u hate me..i kno u do...
really God uve put me in sucha terrible turmoil these past few days..its upsetted me so badly...im confused...i feel lyk im back to square one...stupid dumb empty lifeless stone hearted n wad nots...i hate it God i really hate it...u kno God suddenly evrything is screwed up again...toked to sara abt priya n all n as a result been thinking abt her a lot lately...n it doesnt help tt her 2 sisters tell me tt they miss me...cuz wen they did i juz cried n cried non stop...old memories juz resurface...went to the art fren at sunshine plaza today n got reminded of priya...while coming up wid nicknames for me 'PARNA' came up n i got reminded of priya again..evry small thing reminds me of her...n dya kno how much it hurts?...i hope u do God...evrytime i tok abt this i get butterflies in my stomach cuz im scared...scared of rejection...scared of getting hurt again...scared of trusting smeone again...scared God juz scared tt smth will happen n it wld affect me again...cuz it ALWAYS does..cuz u hurt me..
ppl say tt wen u take away smth frm us its always to give us smth better...so wad r u gona give me in return for priya?...who u gona give me rather..for the record i wldnt wana give her up for anything...i juz wish all this shit hadnt happened in the 1st place n tt we were toking fine... being fine wid each othr..it hurts evrytime i think abt her or her sisters...evrybody tells me to juz tok to her...dya kno how difficult it is for me cuz i DUNO wad to expect...i duno wad my reaction is gona be...i duno wad we r gona tok abt...i duno wad the consequences r gona be...i juz duno wad to expect...i really duno wad to say abt this God...r u listening?
wen sara tol me tt the prob wid me is tt i get overly attached to things i really wanted to cry cuz i felt so stupid for being lyk tt..but i really cant help it...i juz cant...maybe cuz i kno wad the feeling of being unloved is lyk,ttz y i lyk loving ppl...i lyk being nice to ppl i lyk..i lyk being ard them...i lyk making them happy n doing stuff for them...but isit my fault tt i haf the capacity to love evrybody i meet?...im sorry if im OVERLY attached to things but really im juz lyk tt..
anyways...sara din come today n the day felt so empty smehow...his presence is juz......comfy....very comfy...n we ALL missed him!!!!!...so sad..but he will be there tmw...n then i prolly wun be going for night study...haha...juz wana get smetime to tok to him first...i had GREAT fun wid udaya during brk n sushma n all after sch...n night study was a bit distracting cuz Sara wasnt thr to motivate us...but i did get A BIT of work done..n i think by teaching ppl how to do the maths ive learned how to do it myself...
i //young of the butterfly// you 1:16 AM