Saturday, December 24, 2005
past 2 days haf been going carolling...juz wrote zana a long email abt wad happened n it disappeared smehow..
i enjoyed singing the carols and i absolutely LOVE singing these carols...i LOVE christmas...but generally on the whole i din enjoy myself..mainly cuz i felt so left out n redundant...its the same thing tt is happening to me as it was in chris's church..n the best part is tt tis is the reason tt drove me to leave chris's church..but i trust tt God has given me enough maturity to not make me do the same thing..cuz it wld be dumb to leave for sucha crap reason...
i also earned myself the name of bein a hot tempered girl...i duno wad to say to this...evrytime i try to change a bit of myself the past juz comes back..only i n my pri sch mates kno how hot temepered i really was in pri sch..n now is nothing compared to wad i was then..yea maybe the whole time during carolling i was so mood out n upset..i wasnt smiling n stuff...but it was only cuz i was feeling so left out..waddya expect me to do?..smile to myself?...tok to myself?...laugh to myself?...or rather i shld be laughing at myself..i kno this is juz not me...im not the kind of person whos always upset n moody...i can be talkative..i can be funny..i can laugh..i can tok..provided thr is smeone thr...but thru out the whole time of carolling i felt so alone so i juz kept quiet...
the whole time i was juz controlling my tears...i was on the verge of crying a few times..but thank God jay kept me going on...the minute i stepped out of the car i juz let evrything out..i din open my gate n go in till a gd half hr lata...i cried n let evrything out...came hm n this is whr i ended up...was actually typing an email to zana but it got deleted so posted it up here instead...maybe my excuse of being tired n moody fooled evryone...i even tried to force myself to believe tt i was tired..but heck i din believe it..im fully alive n not lethargic or tired..
after the first day of carolling n feeling so left out...i actually tol my mum evrything..i tol her how i was feeling...how left out i felt n all...n she said smth which i thot was so true...i wun say it here..but jay n i kno wad she said...n even jay says its true...n part of me believes tt...but wad she said hurt me a lot oso...but i juz tried my best to overlook tt..
this yr started off on a really bad note...literally bad...n consequently bad things juz kept happening...but thr were sme blessings frm God i believe...so much happened...n i feel lyk im a different person...totally different frm wad i was last yr..maybe juz maybe i haf forgotten how to smile..how to laugh..how to joke..how to be happy...i duno..i juz duno how to genuinely do all this anymore..i can smile but not frm the heart...i can laugh but not frm the heart..i can joke but not frm the heart...my heart has juz become stone maybe...after years of wad my mum has been telling me tt ive got a heart of stone..i think this yr it finally came true...im stone hearted...
smehow yr end isnt very good oso..doesnt feel right..i juz hope 2006 will be a gd yr..i hope myself will also change...i haf to..i really haf to...
evrybody shared at the end of the carolling in moses uncle's hse..wad jeremy said abt his father really touched me alot..it juz reminded me of how many yrs its been since ive spoken to my father..how yrs its been since we had a decent proper conversation...im gona be 18 soon n tt makes it 5 yrs..no one knows how much i love my father...its been so difficult for me to not haf my father's love even tho he is thr...n evrytime i see other fathers i feel so envious cuz i feel lyk im deprived of a father's love..maybe ttz y i shy away frm uncles n in general male figures..i duno....i wish i cld tell my dad tt im so proud of him n tt i love him so much..my dad doesnt need to be the head of the music team or a choir to earn my pride or love...he juz has to be himself n i love him so much for tt...but its reached the pnt for me whr i juz duno wad to go n tok abt to him...i duno wad to say..i duno wad to do..smetimes seeing him itself makes me tear..hearing his voice makes me tear...when i was a child,at family gatherings i never used to go to anyone but my dad....n now at family gatherings we avoid each othr as much as possible....it hurts me deep down inside..n perhaps this is the root for all the sorrow n worry i feel...
ive updated lyk u ppl wanted me to...its a bit too much but i had to get it all out..
i //young of the butterfly// you 4:28 AM