Wednesday, October 26, 2005
im not supposed to be here really..im supposed to be mugging lyk crap for my econs paper..but obviously im not..maybe ive juz given up..im kidding myself u kno wen is ay i can do it..
its a fucked up day today..i mean i was so happy in sch for sme weird reason..actually i kno y cuz i was gona go back to IJ..it helped me pull thru today...then i went back n saw my favouritestest teachers n was so happy...juz to come back n get my mood spoiled..fought wid prasaanth..well it was juz me beating him up...i duno..wen im pissed n my anger takes control of me i get scared of myself...n after tt i REFUSED to do any hsewrk..i juz showered n locked myself in the room for 4 hrs..n i fell aslp crying...i woke up n am feeling so lost...all this cuz my bro refused to wash the mop....dun ask....
i got so much of fuck to do ok....so much..i juz wish my mum wld hire a temporary maid or smth to help clean the hse till deepavali is over cuz thrs SO much to do...n i gotta mug lyk shit for tamil..my table's a MESS...how am i to clean it over the wk end??...n i wil die if i start cleaning it on mon afternoon..cuz then i will prolly take lyk 10938423 hrs to clean it up....UGGGGGGGGGGHHHHSSSSSS!!!.....n i dun even kno if ppl r confirm coming to my hse..
been doing too much of UNNECESSARY thinking these past few days all cuz of stupid econs..u kno rite now im juz holding a lot of anger in my heart...at a lot of ppl..who disrupted lessons..esp the econs lessons...its juz so sudden..dun ask...evrybody whom i happen to be OK wid in my class is being promoted..n i haf a vry high chance of NOT being promoted..so wad options r thr for me if i retain?...i dun wana leave CJ n go elsewhr cuz the arts programme here is damn good..but at the same time if i do retain shld i juz leave n go aussie??...i feel so sad..i found one really good fren in my class...michele..n i kno y God made her my fren..i also kno y i was put in this class n now we r all gona be separated??....y?...i dun wana go n make frens all over again cuz i dun wana..im an anti social person...evrybody in class is telling me i CAN do it..but i keep thinking i cant..n heck if i continue wid this thought DUH i will never make it rite...n u see ah i kno it u kno but i juz dun follow it...i really wana be promoted n keep this class...n graduate wid them..but y do i keep feeling it wun happen?
my mum still isnt toking to me...n i feel so fcking depressed...cuz i haf NO ONE to tok to in the hse....its scary/sad to kno tt i got nobody to tok to...i feel so pathetic..its really so stupid..i really think it is...n i swear i think my family hates me...
i //young of the butterfly// you 10:12 PM