Thursday, October 20, 2005
does anyone UNDERSTAND and i mean UNDERSTAND wad im going thru??dya kno how much of confusion, anger, hurt, stupidity, fear im feeling??...does anybody fucking know??..yea evrybody is supportive of me..encouraging me...but dya understand????understand why im feeling all this why im so scared why im so upset why im so sad??NO NO NO!!!!!!...i dun think anyone besides chris n priya understands...i fucking failed my econs Jay..this is the FIRST time in my life im failing a subject n getting BELOW a 30 for it..and getting an F...how dya think tt makes me feel??..FINE?OK?...no...i duno y we keep quarrelling...y we keep juz MISUNDERSTANDING each othr..but im bloody sick of it ok...im considered the smartest in my family..the first one amongst the cousins to have completed her Os n actually done VERY well in their eyes...the only one who will ever go to a JC n make it..ttz wad they all believe...dya haf any idea how much GUILT im feeling??...GUILT cuz wen i tol my mum i failed my econs she din shout she din scream..she DIN do ANYTHING...she wasnt angry...no she wasnt...she was juz DISAPPOINTED...u kno how bad tt made me feel?...ive been crying myself to slp evry night cuz of this guilt..she juz keeps telling me to study really hard for the supp paper n juz do my best...n she made a vow to do this 108 round thingy at the temple evryday till i do my exam or smth along those lines..dya kno how i felt???...dya kno HOW fucked up how guilty i feel??...does anyone fucking know??...god u guys dun understand n then assume im pissed wid u guys or im juz giving u guys attitude or tt im juz accepting my fate of retaining..i DUNO whr to start studying frm..i DUNO how to study...i DUNO wads the best/most effective way of studying so tt i will get promoted...i DUNO...im confused..im scared...n y do u guys immediately assume im accepting my fate...NO i REFUSE to accept tt i will ever retain..i wana study..i wana do well.but i duno HOW and WHR to start from..ttz my problem..i blew up at ash last night..fought wid jay juz while ago....god i duno wad to say...im juz so scared tt now if i take the supp paper if thr is even gona be one i will fail it...n i will retain..im scared...yea i can study n mug n memorise n practise n do whatever....but wad if i fail again???....im really desperate u kno..i am...im gona go for tuition again tis sat...collect notes frm santhi aunti tis sat...i juz need ppl to be patient enough to listen to me...not get angry wid me wen im angry too...cuz now my mood/feeling r really super unpredictable..i smetimes dun even kno wad im feeling..all i kno is tt im really snappy cuz of this whole thing..i wana be promoted..i wana be..i mean evrybody else i kno is gona be promoted..except me..it makes me feel so stupid...i wana continue in a JC..i wana move on..i dun wana do a whole new syllabus...i dun want to ok...im on the verge of breaking down again....i juz want u guys to understand this....
i //young of the butterfly// you 8:26 PM