Sunday, July 24, 2005
well first of all im not going to india at the end of the yr..2nd it was MY decision even tho my mum allowed me to go..n 3rdly im vry vry upset..
im juz feeling so down n empty right now..im on lots of medication...n i might as well go take sme anti depressants cuz im really losing my mind...n once again its my family...esp my parents..i duno wad to do anymore...cuz of one monk........evrything changed...my mum thinks she is gona die anytime soon..my mum keeps saying tt she wun b living for long..things haf changed ard my hse..more prayers n going to temple..mum isnt going to work much anymore...i really duno if i shld burden them by still insisting tt i wana go aussie..i duno anymore...my mum says 'u think i will be living for tt long???u count my days i got not much time left'...she keeps worrying abt hell n heaven..whr she will end up...DUH she is scared of death n yea i got it too...so cuz of this monk my mum CANNOT leave the country..nope..not even to msia...so india is OUT of the ques...n wen i claimed it was all rubbish..my auntie pointed out sme stuff to me....so i had to believe it..gosh i duno wad to do anymore u kno..i wana cry yet i cant..i wana die yet if i do i duno wad will happen..i juz duno wad to do..monan will be leaving tis wk...chris is having sch...i juz got not one thr anymore..jay is in OBS...i duno wad to do u kno...i wish thr was smeone who wld tok to me n help me thru this but unfortunately thrs no one....i really duno how im gona pull thru all of this i really really duno..
ive got an econs test which i totally forgot abt..im gona go ask mrs tan to push the test to a lata date..cannot study at all..too occupied wid things..my mind's really really clogged up u kno...i cant i cant cope wid evrything..not right now..cuz my family is on my mind..
i think i demand too much..
i think im a bitch..
i think im a screw up..
i think im a mess...
i think im a burden..
i think im irresponsible..
i think im juz so unfair..
i think im unreasonable..
i think im judgemental..
maybe i dun think at all..maybe i juz AM...n i kno ive been horrible to evrybody juz not giving them a chance..but i feel so upset cuz evryone in my life is missing..its lyk i cant even go to my FRENS for help..i duno..i juz got no more courage,guts,strength to approach them cuz im really vry vry lost..i cant even think abt wads right n wads wrong n wad to do...i duno anything...i duno how to approach them n tell them all tt ive been going thru..its juz so much easier to tok to the ones who haf been thr frm the strt...n i feel so helpless cuz i dun wana lose my frens juz cuz of smth tt is MY fault..i duno..im losing evrybody n evrything n i duno wad to do or how to get it back..do i even want it back??...
i //young of the butterfly// you 10:11 PM