Monday, July 18, 2005
im juz going mad...
my dad came hm wid a sprained/swollen ankle...as it is he alrdy limps..y is God so unfair?...im juz blaming God cuz i need to blame someone to juz vent my anger..i kno how unfair i am..but its at times lyk this i lose all my faith n i juz start blaming God for everything..is He really tt unhappy wid me n my family?..is He?..does He really hate us tt much?..first was my mum then dad then mum then dad again..wad is He trying to do?..i really cant take this anymore..wen i came hm n saw his leg bandaged..i din kno wad to do..i juz suddenly felt so empty n hurt..n i immediately juz started blaming God for it...wen juz a while agao Vasan tol me tt any type of sickness doenst come frm God..i duno..i juz duno wad to do..wen i met monan juz now n tol him abt this..i juz almost cried..but i held evrything in till i was coming hm..n i cried in the fcking bus..he tol me to juz tok to my dad..he said this..'u kno ur worrying n u love him so juz go n tok to him..y let ur fcking ego n pride take over u?for wad?'..n then both of us juz kept quiet for 15mins..u kno how tt suckeD?...i felt so rotten inside..i cldnt even think properly..i was banging into evrybody n not apologising..does anybody kno wad im going thru..u kno im juz so worried abt my family evryday tt i always think abt them..i start to think wad if my parents die today or wad if my bros die today..or wad if..or wad if..then i start getting scared n panicky...i duno y..i juz dun feel safe anymore...my mum keeps falling sick..dad either dislocating his shoulder or spraining his ankle..i duno y God punishes us so...n u juz look at my mum..how haggard n tired she looks..my dad the same..i juz feel useless here..i feel lyk i cant do anything..im juz a failure..my mum will prolly get a heart attack or smth wen she comes for PTM..n i duno how to face her..i juz feel so empty n yet im going thru an inner turmoil..monan keeps telling me PRIORITISE...wen studying only STUDIES...after tt worry abt family frens whoever...but i cant..i fcking cant..im emtional so emtional..i fear death..i love my family so much tt im so scared God will take them away frm me soon..i got no strength to face death seriously..i dun..now suddenly i feel so lost...i need to tok to someone..thr r ppl around but i duno who to tok to..n i feel if i do tok im burdening tt person...im really a mess..if i cld i wld really really take over evrything n provide for the family..i wld..i wld get my mum n dad to stop working n do EVERYTHING myself cuz i dun wana see them hurt...but i cant do it now...cuz i dun even kno wad to do..evrytime i do my hw my mind juz keeps going back to them..it keeps going back to the time i came hm n saw my dad...n he has been doing OT lyk 3times a wk..n my mum tells me its a part time job..wth..he is doing 2jobs juz to support the family..i cant take this kinda things u kno..how many nights i thot abt this n cried myself to slp..i cannot..i juz cant handle all this..i got no more strength really...i cannot face all this...im till trying to take evrything bit by bit but things r happening too fast..its lyk i cant go thru this on my own n i cant maybe dun wana find smeone to go thru this wid me...it is juz so difficult..ive juz been so upset the whole day..i cldnt be myself..juz now wen i left to go pass sadia her stuff i cldnt stop thinking abt my dad n bros at hm..i cldnt..n after i met monan i wasnt even my happy crappy self..i was juz so quiet..he knew n he toned down...until i tol him wad was bothering me..i haven tol chris anything yet cuz she's having her exams now..dun want her to worry abt me..its juz not ez for me..ive been trying to pray evryday but wen small things lyk this happen i lose all faith...n i juz need smeone to blame..i mean who else is thr to blame..the devil??....i duno..im really so confused...i juz wana cry evrything out..i juz want smeone to comfort me n juz listen..juz listen..i juz wana take a brk frm evrything n absorb evrything tt has happened cuz i dun think im ok at all...im not...i duno wad i need...but i juz wana be strong again for myself first...
i //young of the butterfly// you 11:01 PM