Thursday, June 30, 2005
i guess everything was my fault..u kno evrything i say or do ppl still point fingers at me..im the one at fault..n i kno it..but its juz so difficult to accept tt so much shit happened in four wks..i cant accept it..
i read mel's n jo's blog..n wen i read mel's blog on the part abt her frens..this is wad she wrote..n i cried wen i read tt..
2.Prav if she still wants me..yes obviously i do want her but its been so diff for me to accept things lately..i juz cant..i want things thr laid out ez for me..i dun wana go find things..i want it give to me..u get wad im trying to say..thr r so many things running thru my mind..i feel one day if i dun let out this anger my head is gona burst..it will..n i feel so weak n helpless..i duno who to tok to..i duno who to turn to..i duno wad to do..i juz duno wad to do..i need time to think..but unfortunately its costing me big time..im losing frenships wid evrybody..smehow i thot i din really care..but deep down inside i think i do..greatly..cuz all those ppl were a great part of my life..i depended on them wen things screwed up wid my family..they were thr during those 4 years..but after tt evryone seems to disappear..sch work..too far..too difficult to meet..too bz..no time...i duno..i juz duno anything anymore..
i feel bad for putting the distance between me n mel n jo..i feel bad..i feel guilty..i will take the blame for it..but i duno wad i want..i duno wad im gona gain or lose by doing this..by riting this..i duno wads gona happen..ive been toking to chris abt it..to monan..to ash..to priya..to jan..n ive gotten different viewpoints..but i juz duno how to make a proper decision..thr r so many things i wana say..but the things tt i wana say it will seem lyk im blaming them for it..but even if it does, im still making myself the guilty one cuz i feel n kno tt im in no position to blame anybody..but im not gona rite those things here cuz i kno it will juz make the frenship worst..ive juz got so many questions to ask them..but i dun want to..cuz i dun think i shld n i dun think they will be too happy to hear those ques..
i think i desire too much..way too much..cuz right now at this point in time evrybody's life changes..it changes as we move on to a diff sch..a diff chapter of our lives..im juz stuck behind..im not letting myself move on cuz of wad i think of many things..it juz doesnt go wid evrybody..not at all..ttz the main reason y im behind..y im losing frens..y im losing it..y im losing my concentration n focus..y im juz losing it all..i kno its me..but i feel so strongly abt wad i think n wad i do tt i refuse to change myself..i juz dun want to..n i kno tt this is y i wana run away to australia..i kno..i juz kno things..but ppl think im fake..im juz a loser left behind..tt im stupid n dumb..hey even i feel pathetic..u kno wen i stand on one side n look at everybody ard me in CJ i see themselves enjoying their time..enjoying their time in CJ enjoying their time wid their class..but I am the one who is making life miserable for me n i kno tt..but i juz dun wana change..i juz dun want to..cuz to me if i change i will be a faker to myself..n i dun want tt..
i juz wana feel happy again..i wana feel happy n haf frens..i wana feel happy frm the bottom of my heart...n kno tt ppl r thr for me..ppl haf got my back..ppl care..ppl accept me for who i am..ppl love me..but i guess things dun always remain the same right??things juz dun..n ive seen it n i kno it doesnt..they change..all the time..n its upto me to accept these changes n live wid it..or be a dumbass all by myself..
i //young of the butterfly// you 12:59 AM