Monday, May 09, 2005
edrea : i really duno dearie..im vry vry confused..im so sorry..really cant give u a definite ans till mayb jul or after tt??sch today..the only thing tt pulled me thru was the fact tt thr was ICS after sch..sara attended ICS again..but this time i was way too tired to crap wid him..hais but again he crapped a lot..hais..if he stops coming i will be left alone..hais..went for tuition after sch to see baby muthu..arghs..was so freaking happy..he was happy to see us im sure..haha..bugged him for a while..n then me n sadia kept teasing each othr..haha..n we tol him abt the skirt issue n my econs tests n maths test..haha..i also need to tok to him abt loads of stuff..hais..anyways hope he appreciates the surprise we're gona give him..:) :)..haha..i felt so happy wen i saw him..went to teach rasheed after tt..blew ten bucks on the cab..hais..was feeling so tired..almost slept..but thank God the coffee got me going..im still awake now..
im feeling so disturbed abt the whole leaving thing..i was so fricking scared wen ani auntie asked for my results n cert..but i had to give it to her..i wonder wads happening now..i half wana leave half dun wana leave..fran gave a totally out of the world reaction cuz she teared..duno y...im not even leaving man..n shucks i haven tol priya..arghs..duno la..im messed up rite now..
wana kill lene..she hasnt replied any of my smses..i wonder wen she is gona be done wid my letta cuz once again i got so fricking much to tell her..lene i hope u read this..can u PLS sen me my letta..
im not a strong person..im a coward..a real coward..n im really weak..i cant handle stuff lyk tis..i so cant..im not strong enuff ok?..today almost the whole back row din tok to me..or mayb i din give them a chance to?..i duno..u kno i juz felt lyk crap wen fran tol me she gets bad vibes frm my class..i dun blame her..but i duno..i was kinda affected by it..i saw the looks on my classmates faces wen i juz grabbed my bag n went to t08 w/o even lyk greeting them..i duno..i think they were pissed??..i duno la..i duno..right now i think the class is pure shit again..pure fucking shit ok..smetimes wen im wid my frens i juz feel lyk crying but smehow the situation doesnt permit it..not at all..i juz cant..
i really wana cry..cry till i can cry no more..my eyes are red swollen puffy n itchy..i wana cry lyk tt every single day..everybody says i look lyk crap..wid my sunken eyes n terrible eyebags/dark rings..evryone says its so obvious smth's bothering me..n zana warned me tt im showing signs of slipping into depression again..i hate this..i absolutely hate this..im not getting enuff slp..im so worried abt my studies..i HAFTA do well for my mid yrs n promos..n this time its not on my own accord..its cuz it will help in my application for aussie uni..he is also on my mind..studies..frens..family..class..so many things..i cant concentrate..cant focus..cant discipline myself..i failed my three econs test..feeling so low right now..morale desperately needs a boost..
him..received his sms on sat night..teared wen i saw the msg..smehow i cldnt bring myself to reply the sms..not at all..dun ask y cuz i myself duno..im feeling lyk shit n i wish he was here..i want him back..i lyk feeling secure..i juz lyk knowing tt i will be receiving a silly call frm him to brighten up my day..lyk knowing tt he will listen wen i want him to..i kno its all repeated but i cant help it..i juz feel this way..i miss him so much..
this mth got lyk 3 bdays..money's really gona go down the drain..duno wad to get for jay n priya..duno wad to do for jay..duno wads the plan for priya..mr muthu's one...things r a bit messy at the moment..hais..im equally messed up..then nxt mth got clare,zana n chris bday...n somemore two of them turning 18..gotta be special..hais..im so broke..im so so so terribly broke..
wana watch star wars..cephas has tix for gala premiere..SOOOOOOOO cool..haha..he n laureen going i think..i wana go but dun wana be an extra..hehe..but its on wed..haha..after sch sadia sara n me were eating..n i duno how me n sara took out our water bottles n started pretending we were in star wars..hehe..him the green light saber..n mine the nike light saber..eh..isit even called a light saber??..or isit laser??..MEL JO??????....i forgot..haha..but i remember
PRAVANAKIN clearly..haha..tol cephas too..haha..STAR WARS!!!....omg..sorry..im high now..haha..actually today was fun cuz i was wid jo n pinks in the morn..n i got van's pink strip..i LOVE pink*..hehe..n then after sch was crapping wid sara n sadia..after tt ICS again crapping wid him n sadia..then after tt went hme wid them n fran..then saw MR MUTHU..hehe..ok..im not high anymore..
i //young of the butterfly// you 11:26 PM