Monday, May 02, 2005
he is gone..gone..called before leaving..came home n cried lyk shit..was fucking hurt..i din even get to meet him..i really duno how to get over this..i dun..the convo we had last night..was too much for me to handle..i cant..as i said im not as strong on the inside as i look on the outside..i kno i tried ur best to help me but really its juz not ez..im so confused n hurt n messed up even if u gimme ur advice i dun think id follow it..n now tt ur gone who's gona make me feel better again?who's gona gimme silly calls at 1am in the morn asking me wad im doing n then say u dun wana disturb n put down?who's gona force me to come over?who's gona sen me silly smses tt always make me happy?who's gona make me smile?who's gona make me happy??who who who??y did u hafta leave??y?u juz duno the emtions u evoke in me..u dun..im smehow incomplete w/o u..im really a mess..
sch tmw..not looking forward to it at all..duno y suddenly the queasy feeling is back..the hatred is back..evrything is back..sch's gona be a bitch now tt ur not here anymore..i wun be looking forward to anything after sch..cuz thr wun be anything to look forward to..nothing..it hurts..it hurts me to realise tt i wun haf anyone to help me get thru the day..
watched sukran juz now..nice movie once again..keyboard's being screwy..pinks is running for council..so is almost evrybody i kno..shucks..i feel lyk total crap right now..i may haf stood a chance right??..ughs..dun wana think abt it anymore..
things wid her aint going smooth..cuz im fucking pissed wid her..y isit tt im always the one who gives in in our frenship??y me?fuck it..evrything she says i gotta do or i gotta listen..fuck u..fuck seriously..i dun wish to listen to u or give in to u anymore..i dun give a damn whether it cuz of ur family or cuz of ur wadever FUCK ok?..fuck u..seriously..im so angry wid u tt i dun regret my bitchy behaviour towards u these 2 days..not at all..not at all..i think u deserve worst..u expect me to give u evrything but i get nothing in return??is tt wad it is??..well im not prepared to give u evrything n not get anything in return cuz im SICK of tt feeling..totally sick of it..im a vry angry,hateful,spiteful,jealous person..of course if im giving u evrything i expect u to give me at least a bit in return..but no u fucking dun even do tt..i hafta do evrything for u..ok..im sick of it..u always MAKE me do it..lyk u hiding the keys wen i wana leave..dya kno how much of shit ive gone thru juz cuz i came hme late cuz of u?..n u forcing me to follow u wherever u wana go..dya kno i always sacrifice othr meetings for u??but u kno wad??wen i ask u to follow me smewhr u say no..straight into my fucking face..this frenship is tiring me really..i cant take it anymore..i cant..n tt day wen u called me up n tol me 'ur following me for the show tonight k.im paying for ur tix..meet me blah blah blah'..fucking hell i swear i wld haf blasted ur fucking head off..thank ur lucky stars my mum was thr so i shut up..n today u wanted me to follow u watch tt movie n pay for it myself..hello???????...fuck u again..firstly ive alrdy watched tt movie..secondly i need to save up cuz i got two impt birthdays this mth..i dun need to listen to whatever u hafta say ok??..heard me..stop pissing me off.FUCKING SHIT..
im in a vry pms-ey,angry mood..cuz he aint here anymore..ok..so think twice before fucking ard wid me..im not happy..im juz sad,angry n hurt..n if ur here to irritate me i suggest u piss off..ARGHSSSSSSSSSS..i fucking need to scream..i need to cry..i need to write..im drowning in tt humongous pile of hw..im dying seriously dying..n the things im going thru..im so so so so so unprepared/lost/confused..i duno wad to do..God i really really need ur guidance..i really do..
i //young of the butterfly// you 9:26 PM